Lost

Disclaimer: I don't own The Magnificent Seven, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Angst, Slash

Rating: FRT

Italics and/or // indicates flashbacks.

Lost
Chapter 9


Buck watched Vin from across the room, wishing he could go to him. He didn't want to make a move on him, well he did, but he wouldn't. What he wanted, right now, was just to be able to talk to his friend again. To be able to joke with him, shoot a game of pool, heck just hang out like they used to. He sighed heavily, telling himself he had to accept that those days were gone forever. Buck knew he should just count himself lucky that Vin was able to work with him again, allowing him to keep his teammates in his life. Thoughts of his teammates inevitably brought up thoughts of JD, the little brother that wouldn't even look at him now, except to glare at him, warning him to leave Vin alone. Feeling that glare on him now, he forced his eyes back to the papers he'd been trying and failing to focus on for the past hour. A month, he could hardly believe it'd been that long since the horrible night all their lives had changed.

Vin could feel Buck's eyes on him, he wasn't sure when it had happened, but he was relieved to say that his friend's presence no longer made him as uncomfortable as it had. Fact was he was actually able to consider spending more time with Buck, with or without the team. He couldn't say everything was back to normal yet though and JD wasn't helping. It was ironic really, not what he would've expected. A small chuckle escaped, good thing he hadn't put any money on that one. After the initial discomfort had passed, they had all of them followed Vin's lead. Not one of them had tried to hide his feelings, each one dealing with it in whatever way worked best for him. With none of them reacting in quite the way Vin expected.

He had expected Chris to beat Buck to a pulp, instead it had been Chris who had taken care of Buck. Gave him a place to live when he couldn't face going back to his own apartment, never making him feel rushed to find another place. Buck hadn't lingered long at the ranch though. Understanding how much Vin needed his best friend while he healed, Buck had quickly found a new place to live. He hadn't gone for an apartment this time though, instead he'd bought a small ranch about half-way between Chris' ranch and Denver. Vin didn't blame Chris for taking care of Buck, he was glad he hadn't turned his back on his oldest friend, that wouldn't have been right. Of course Chris had been there for him too, though it must've been difficult at times for him to balance between the two of them.

He had expected Josiah to offer some kind of philosophical or religious story. Something meant to make him feel better. Something that would make him struggle to keep from planting a fist in Josiah's face. Instead the older man had simply been there, had treated him like he always did, while offering quiet support. He ofter asked for his help down at the mission where he volunteered, and that had helped more than any platitude ever could have. In helping others Vin felt himself healing, a little at a time. Looking back on it, he was sure Josiah had known that would happen, silently he thanked the spirits for giving him such good friends.

Nathan, who usually hovered whenever one of them was injured was surprisingly absent. He hadn't ignored him, he just seemed to understand that Vin needed space. Luckily there hadn't been much in the way of physical injury, not with Buck being as careful as he could during the attack. Still that had never kept Nathan from hovering before. He hadn't been sure what to make of it, had even considered the possibility that he thought Vin deserved what had happened, or maybe it was his bi-sexuality that was the problem. He'd finally asked him last week....

//”Nathan can I talk to you?”

Nathan looked up from where he sat in the break room, “Sure Vin, what ya need?”

“I was wondering, um, you ain't been acting like yourself the last few weeks...” Vin had looked away, suddenly uncertain about this conversation.

“You mean since the attack on you and Buck?”

“Yeah,” Vin whispered. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “Ya usually hover whenever one of us is hurt.”

“I guess I do, did you want me hovering?” Nathan couldn't help being amused and he knew it was coming through in his voice.

Vin smiled, the last few weeks might've been rough but his sense of humor was still intact. “Never thought I would miss your mother hen act, but I guess in its own way it's kind of comforting. Of course if ya ever tell anybody I said that, I'll have to kill ya,” he teased.

“Understood,” Nathan grinned.

Vin took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Nate, do you have a problem with me being bi-sexual? Do ya think maybe it was somehow my fault that Spencer got the idea to make Buck rape me?”

Nathan stared at him in shock, his mouth hanging open as his brain tried to process the questions. It was only when Vin started to leave the room that he shook himself free of the surprise that had him rooted to the spot. “Vin wait,” he called. He couldn't help gasping when Vin turned around, his dark blue eyes bruised with the pain he'd inadvertently caused.

“It's okay Nate, ya got a right to feel how ya do,” Vin mumbled, quickly looking away.

“But that isn't how I feel Vin.”

“It's not?”

“NO!,” immediately contrite, Nathan lowered his voice. “Sorry, but no it's not. The way I see it the only person to blame for what happened to you and Buck is Philip Spencer. The fact that y'all are bi-sexual doesn't mean a damn thing. Spencer got the idea because you were there, you're Buck's friend and in his warped mind he saw it as the perfect revenge.”

“Then why haven't you been hovering like you normally do?”

“Because I knew you needed space to deal with what happened to you. I know what you're going through Vin and I know you, I figured the last thing you needed was me playing mother hen.”

“I appreciate that Nate, but ya don't know what I'm going through and I thank the spirits that you don't.”

“You're right Vin, I don't know from first-hand experience. But I do know from something that happened back when I was in medical school.”

“Something to do with why you dropped out?”

“A friend of mine, he was bi-sexual too. Doug was a nice guy, would've made a hell of a doctor some day.”

“What happened to him?”

“He never hid his preferences, he didn't flaunt them either,” Nathan made sure Vin knew the man wasn't like that. “He was just a regular guy, who happened to like both men and women. One night on his way home from the movies he was attacked, beaten and raped. Doug was a brave man Vin, you remind me of him in some ways, he went to the campus police. He reported it that night, went to the hospital, did everything the way he was supposed to. They conveniently lost the rape kit and all the pictures of his bruises. From then on out he was harassed by students and faculty alike. He finally had all he could take and left school. During all this and after he left I heard a lot of talk about it being his own fault. These weren't students ya understand, it was the teachers, doctors, saying that if he hadn't chosen to be like that it never would've happened. They acted like it was his fault that he was bi-sexual and that he'd been raped. I left right after that, didn't want any part of a profession that acted like that towards the victim of a horrible crime. I tried to stay in touch but a couple months after he left school, he stopped answering my letters. I got a letter from him about a year later. He'd went home and instead of avoiding him, his family and friends hovered. He said that it never occurred to him that it could be a bad thing to have folks hovering, but it was. It made him feel like he couldn't breathe, like he didn't dare let himself feel whatever he felt because with them hovering he was afraid he'd fall apart and never be able to pick up the pieces again. Eventually he did just that, he'd just gotten out of a psychiatric hospital after a nervous breakdown when he wrote me that letter.”

“I'm sorry for your friend Nate,” Vin managed past the lump in his throat.

“Aww Vin, I didn't tell you that to upset ya. I just wanted you to know that I have some idea of what you're going through. I gave you space because I didn't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital like Doug. Frankly Vin, I'm not sure you could survive something like that.”

“You're probably right about that Nate.” Reaching down he pulled him to his feet, hugging him for a moment, “Thank you for your friendship Nathan.” Letting him go, he left the room, feeling a lot better than when he'd entered it.//


Finally there was Ezra and JD, it was tossup as to which one had been the bigger surprise. Ezra who tended to keep his distance whenever emotions were involved had been there for him whenever he needed him. It was Ezra that he called in the middle of the night when he couldn't face calling Chris, for fear Buck would answer the phone. Ezra who listened to him, no matter what time of day or night it was. Held him when it all became too much for him and he couldn't hold back the tears any longer. If circumstances had been different he might have thought Ezra had an ulterior motive, but he knew what nobody else on the team did. Ezra's heart belonged to another, a bad-tempered, green-eyed blond who had no clue of the love their conman held for him.

He supposed, if he were honest, it was JD that had surprised him the most. It wasn't right the way he was acting towards Buck. He had looked up to Buck from the beginning, seen him as the big brother he'd never had. Buck had taken to the role too, protecting JD, often from himself and doing his best to teach him what he needed to know, not only as an ATF agent, but as a man. Vin shook his head, how could JD just turn his back on a relationship like that? It wasn't right damn it! He wouldn't pretend he was completely comfortable around Buck yet, but he had forgiven him. He understood that Buck had been a victim too, so why couldn't JD understand it? Glancing over at the younger man, he frowned at the glare he saw aimed in Buck's direction. Pushing himself to his feet, he headed to Chris' office, knocking on the door even as he opened it.

Chris glanced up as the door opened, “What's up Vin?”

“JD,” Vin replied, sinking into a chair.

Chris frowned, “What about him? Did he say something to you?” He didn't think JD would say anything to hurt Vin, but by god if he had he'd find out what people meant when they spoke of the wrath of Chris Larabee.

“Nah, he ain't said nothing out of line to me,” Vin quickly assured his friend. “I ain't real happy with him though.”

“You want me to have a talk with him?”

A smile crossed his face, “Thanks, but no. I want to take JD to lunch, I think we need to talk.”

Chris was confused, “Okay, but ya don't need my permission to take JD to lunch.”

“Know that cowboy,” Vin smirked. “Figured I should tell ya we might be late getting back.”

“Tell me? Don't you mean ask if it's okay?”

Vin thought about it for a minute, “Nope, I mean tell ya,” he grinned.

Chris glared at him, not surprised when it didn't faze the younger man.

“Oh alright, if it'll make ya feel better cowboy. It okay if I take JD for a long lunch so's we can talk?”

“One of these days I'm gonna shoot you Tanner...”

“But not today.”

“Not today,” Chris confirmed. “Go on, take all the time ya need.”

“Thanks Chris.”

A hand landing on his back had JD looking up, “Hey Vin, what ya need?”

“I'm getting hungry, want to go grab a burger kid?”

“Um, well, I don't know...I mean it ain't lunch time yet, won't Chris get mad?”

“Nah, I already asked him. Come on JD,” Vin insisted, pulling him to his feet and grabbing his jacket. “Here's your coat, let's go eat.”

Taking the jacket, JD slipped it on and followed Vin out the door. “What about everybody else?”

“They're going to the saloon for lunch,” Vin absently replied as they waited for the elevator.

“There a reason we're not?”

Vin shrugged, “Just wanted something different. Thought we could go over to Bailey's get a couple of their burgers, some fries.”

“They do make good burgers,” JD mumbled.

“Best in town,” Vin corrected.

“Yeah,” JD grinned. He could already taste it, and for a minute he forgot to wonder why Vin was inviting him to lunch alone. As they arrived in the parking garage and climbed into Vin's jeep, he thought about it again. “Vin?”

“Yeah JD?” Putting the jeep in gear, he backed out of the space and headed for the surface.

“I was wondering...why do I suddenly feel like a man about to have his last meal?”

“I ain't gonna kill ya JD.”

“I know that, I just meant.... Hell, I don't know what I meant,” JD sighed.

Vin didn't say anything, just kept driving until they reached the hamburger stand. He ordered them each a special with fries and cokes. As they waited for the food to be ready, neither spoke, both of them lost in thought. Finally the burgers were ready and Vin quickly retrieved their lunch. Handing the sacks to JD, he pulled out of the parking lot and drove back to the federal building, parking down the street where they wouldn't be seen.

“Why did ya park so far away?” JD asked, reaching for the door handle.

“Stay put JD,” Vin softly ordered.

“What? Why?”

“I want ya to do something for me?”

JD gave him a puzzled look, “Do something?”

“Yeah. In a few minutes the others will be leaving for lunch, I want you to watch them and tell me what you see.”

“That's it?” JD asked incredulously. “What's this about Vin?”

“Just do it kid, then we'll talk,” Vin promised. Grabbing his bag, he relaxed back in his seat and started eating, ignoring the puzzled looks JD kept shooting his way. A few minutes later the rest of the team came outside, walking down the street to the saloon. Vin watched as the five men walked companionably along the sidewalk. He noticed too how Buck kept slightly apart from the others, continuously looking over his shoulder as if he were searching for something. Disappointment clearly written on his face each time he failed to find it.

“What am I supposed to be looking at Vin?” JD snapped.

“Watch them, what ya see?”

“I see our teammates going to lunch,” JD replied. His tone clearly said he didn't know what other answer Vin was looking for.

“Our teammates?”

“Yeah,” JD answered uncertainly. “What do you see?”

“I see a group of friends, a family, enjoying each other's company. I see one that is a little apart though, he ain't able to relax cause he's missing the two that ain't there. Especially the one he thought was his little brother,” Vin softly replied.

“It isn't my fault that I'm not there.”

“Isn't it?”

“How can you expect me to be friends with him after what he did?” JD demanded.

“Because he was a victim too and because it ain't your place to judge him JD,” Vin gently answered, ignoring the younger man's sharp tone.

“How can you forgive him? He raped you, there's no excuse for that!”

“That's right JD, he raped me, not you.”

“I don't understand Vin, how can you forgive him when I can't?”

“I don't know JD, but I know it's tearing him apart that you won't forgive him. He's your best friend JD, your big brother and he deserves better from you.”

“You wouldn't say that if you knew the whole truth.”

“What truth are you talking about JD?”

“Buck wants you Vin, he has for a long time. That's why he didn't find a way to get out of raping you, because he wanted to take you.”

“You really believe that?” Vin sadly asked.

“He said it himself,” JD growled.

“He said that he went along with raping me because he wanted me?”

“Well no,” JD admitted. “But he did say he wanted you...”

“Or he said he loved me?”

JD's eyes widened in shock, “You knew?”

“I heard the tape Spencer had of that night JD, including the part where Buck kept apologizing to me and telling me he loved me.”

“That makes it okay?”

“No, but he didn't have a choice JD. You're looking at this wrong kid,” Vin spoke quietly, laying his hand on the younger man's shoulder. “You keep thinking Buck raped me and he did, but you're forgetting that in a way he was raped too that night.”

“Oh my god, you really mean that don't you?”

“Yeah JD, I do.”

“Do you love him?”

“No, not right now.”

“You could though?”

“I don't know JD,” Vin sighed. “Before this I would've said I could, but it's harder now. I ain't lying when I say I forgive Buck, but that don't mean I'm a hundred percent comfortable around him yet. Then there's the way he feels too, I know he hasn't forgiven himself yet, I don't know if he ever can. I been thinking about it though JD, if we don't at least try then Spencer wins and I sure don't want to let that happen.”

“You'd actually give him a chance?”

“Maybe, I don't know. I just ain't willing to write it off completely, not yet.” Vin shook his head, wondering how they'd gotten so far off track. “That isn't why I brung ya out here JD. I hate to see you letting this destroy your friendship with Buck. It's hurting him JD.”

“He never even came back to the apartment, never tried to make things right with me,” JD protested, unwilling to take all of the blame. “He had Chris come and pack his stuff, then he bought that ranch...”

“Goddamn it JD! Of course he didn't come back to the apartment, between the memories and the way you're acting why would he? He figured you didn't want anything to do with him, doubt he even blames you for it, and he sure didn't want to be in that apartment. So he left it to you and got himself a place of his own.”

JD flinched, he hadn't thought of any of that. All he'd seen was that Buck wasn't coming to him to talk, he was turning to Chris, not him. Already angry at him for what he'd done to Vin, feeling as though he'd betrayed all of them, Buck turning to Chris had been the last straw. “I've been a selfish brat haven't I?”

“Just so's ya'd notice.”

“I'm sorry Vin.”

“I ain't the one you should be saying sorry to JD.”

“Yes you are,” JD argued. “You're not the only one though,” he sighed. “Where do I start?”

“Why don't ya start with taking him out for a drink after work and a long overdue talk,” Vin suggested.

“That's a good idea,” JD agreed. Glancing at his watch, he was surprised to see they were already half an hour late. He had been so busy talking to Vin he hadn't noticed the time or when the others had returned to the building. “Vin we're late, we better get back.”

“It's alright JD, I cleared it with Chris,” Vin soothed him as he started the jeep. A couple of minutes later they were parked in the garage and headed for the elevator.

“Vin? Are you really willing to give Buck a chance?”

“I'm willing to be his friend and I ain't completely ruling out anything else. I don't want to see Philip Spencer win but to be honest I don't know if either of us can get past the damage he caused.” Without another word, he stepped into the elevator.

TBC
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