The Boys From Tennessee
folder
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
61
Views:
2,683
Reviews:
39
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
61
Views:
2,683
Reviews:
39
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Lost, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Regrets
The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: Light R, angst
Pairing: Sayid and Peter talk and discover they're both in emotional pain
Author: Chissy_Rose
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.
The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 9 (9/60)
Regrets
Peter and Sawyer made their way to the bathroom to wash up and then they ambled on to the kitchen to see if there was any food. There wasn’t any to speak of, so Sawyer offered to go out and bring something back. “The Doc may come by to check on you or change your dressings and if you’re not here, he’ll have a hissy fit. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Sawyer said as he walked towards the door. Peter sat not moving for a few minutes, just thinking. Then he decided he would walk around to the computer room. When he entered the computer room he let a little groan escape. It was Sayid on duty. It was his voice that had asked them during the night if they were both okay when they had been making love. He’d heard all their moans that were any louder than normal conversation. He said hey as he walked in. Sayid gave him a funny smile that was more a smirk. Great, Peter thought, now he, Jack, Hurley and Locke all know we’ve been fooling around. It’s gonna be all over the freakin’ island. I’m used to having a bad rep and being called a queer and getting fallout from it, but Sawyer isn’t. He’s had an image of being a good-old-boy smart-ass from Tennessee. He’s not gonna like it when the rest of the castaways all start treating him differently because of me.
“Well, look who is up now.” Sayid cooed. “Where is your loverboy?” Peter frowned and squinted his eyes at Sayid, which really hurt. He’d have to remember not to do that while he was waiting for his eyelid to heal up. He plunked down on the couch and sized up Sayid. He wanted to say something smart back, but wasn’t sure what to say. Sayid usually was a straight talker, said what was on his mind, and said the truth. He’d be better as a neutral ally than making him into an enemy or antagonist.
Peter looked down at the floor. “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t say that again in front of anyone else.”
“Sorry,” Sayid said. “I couldn’t resist. You both show a lack of judgment and discretion in what you are doing. There are probably men on this island that would kill you both or make your life a living hell if they heard what I heard last night. You need to be more careful.”
“I know,” Peter said quietly. “We were both fools, we just got carried away in the passion of the moment. It could have been anyone on duty last night.”
“Yes, it could have been,” Sayid replied. “You’re going to draw trouble and heartache to Sawyer if you’re not careful. I have the feeling he doesn’t need either one of those.”
Peter looked at Sayid sadly, got up and walked over to the desk; put both hands on it and looked into Sayid’s eyes. Finally he said, “I’ve already told him that trouble has followed me all my life. I was raised in living hell, and I’m damaged because of it. Nobody should have to go through what I’ve been through.”
Sayid looked sad now. “You’re not the only one here who has lived through hell, who has lost everything that matters to them.”
Peter looked at Sayid and said quietly, “I can tell we’re both alike in that regard. I’ve always been very good at being able to look in a person’s eyes and see all the way into their heart. When I look into your eyes Sayid, I see someone who has experienced as much anguish and pain in their life as I have had in mine. Your friends and lovers haunt you – the ways they were torn from you, just as mine haunt me. I think we’ve both already had more pain in our lives than it seems possible to stand.” Sayid’s eyes glistened as Peter asked, “How do you keep going on and living each day Sayid?”
Sayid replied sorrowfully, “I just keep getting up each day and try to live with myself. I try not to dwell in the past, and just try to make it to night each day.”
Peter replied regretfully, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to cause you pain and stir up memories!” Peter paused for a long time, then he spoke again. “I know you have been a soldier, but I see something else in your eyes that most people probably never see. A deeper part of you. You also have a soul of a lover and are capable of great tenderness and care. That part of you still lives. Don’t let life take that from you Sayid. It is your secret strength.”
Sayid was surprised by the younger man’s insight. He had just never spoken much with Peter, and yet he knew more about his deepest soul in just a few moments than anyone else here. Perhaps he had misjudged the younger man. Peter’s expression changed and he looked forlorn and despondent as he sat back down on the couch. He pulled his knees up to his head, wrapped his arms around his legs, lowered his head to his knees and rocked slowly back and forth. Sayid grimaced, he knew that was very bad body language, he had seen others who had lost all hope do the same thing. Closing themselves off and rocking themselves.
Sayid got up and sat down next to him on the couch, putting his hand on Peter’s shoulder. “You have to be strong Peter. Don’t give up. It can’t be any worse than the things I have seen or done. I live with the guilt everyday of men I have killed or hurt and friends or lovers that I was unable to save like Shannon and my best friend. You just have to keep going.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been through.” Peter rasped. “I carry all the pain, the shame, the scars with me everywhere I go. I can’t get away from it. It’s too much for me to bear sometimes.”
Sayid suddenly became aware that he felt someone else standing behind them in the entrance and he slowly turned his head to see who it was. “Have you been standing there long?” he asked Jack.
“Long enough. Just a minute or so. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I could tell Peter was upset and didn’t want to intrude into the conversation,” Jack replied.
Peter sat both his feet down on the floor, wiped his face and held his head in his hands. “Shit,” he muttered, “I’m ok.”
Jack looked at him, “I don’t think you are. You’re upset. What’s wrong?”
Sawyer came in just behind Jack, saw Peter and asked immediately, “Why are you upset?”
Peter shook his head but didn’t look up. “Hell I’m okay. Just leave me the fuck alone.” Jack turned and looked Sawyer in the eye and wondered whether Sawyer was mixed up in this somehow.
Jack asked Peter, “Do you want to tell one of us what you’re so depressed and troubled about?”
Peter took a long look at the three of them and hung his head lower. “No. I don’t want your pity and I don’t want to be treated differently by any of you.”
“Do you want to talk to me about it?” Sawyer asked.
Peter looked at the floor. “No, not about this, not now.”
“Okay then,” Sawyer said quietly, but Sayid and Jack were both looking at him and saw the hurt, confusion and doubt go across Sawyer’s face. Sawyer gathered his courage to ask one more question, “Was it something I’ve said or done that’s bothering you?”
Peter looked at Sawyer, “No, you didn’t do or say anything. It’s me, it’s all me.” They stood there silently.
Jack finally spoke. “You’re depressed, angry and upset. Maybe you should talk to Libby then. Just think about it. I think you need to talk to somebody. Something is really bothering you. I’m available if you want to talk, just let me know. I’ll be back after while.” Peter just shook his head okay, turned and walked upset back down the hall towards the bunkroom. Jack left and Sawyer followed down the hall behind Peter. Sawyer felt like he’d gone from the top of the world into the depths of the ocean in an hour.
Rating: Light R, angst
Pairing: Sayid and Peter talk and discover they're both in emotional pain
Author: Chissy_Rose
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.
The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 9 (9/60)
Regrets
Peter and Sawyer made their way to the bathroom to wash up and then they ambled on to the kitchen to see if there was any food. There wasn’t any to speak of, so Sawyer offered to go out and bring something back. “The Doc may come by to check on you or change your dressings and if you’re not here, he’ll have a hissy fit. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Sawyer said as he walked towards the door. Peter sat not moving for a few minutes, just thinking. Then he decided he would walk around to the computer room. When he entered the computer room he let a little groan escape. It was Sayid on duty. It was his voice that had asked them during the night if they were both okay when they had been making love. He’d heard all their moans that were any louder than normal conversation. He said hey as he walked in. Sayid gave him a funny smile that was more a smirk. Great, Peter thought, now he, Jack, Hurley and Locke all know we’ve been fooling around. It’s gonna be all over the freakin’ island. I’m used to having a bad rep and being called a queer and getting fallout from it, but Sawyer isn’t. He’s had an image of being a good-old-boy smart-ass from Tennessee. He’s not gonna like it when the rest of the castaways all start treating him differently because of me.
“Well, look who is up now.” Sayid cooed. “Where is your loverboy?” Peter frowned and squinted his eyes at Sayid, which really hurt. He’d have to remember not to do that while he was waiting for his eyelid to heal up. He plunked down on the couch and sized up Sayid. He wanted to say something smart back, but wasn’t sure what to say. Sayid usually was a straight talker, said what was on his mind, and said the truth. He’d be better as a neutral ally than making him into an enemy or antagonist.
Peter looked down at the floor. “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t say that again in front of anyone else.”
“Sorry,” Sayid said. “I couldn’t resist. You both show a lack of judgment and discretion in what you are doing. There are probably men on this island that would kill you both or make your life a living hell if they heard what I heard last night. You need to be more careful.”
“I know,” Peter said quietly. “We were both fools, we just got carried away in the passion of the moment. It could have been anyone on duty last night.”
“Yes, it could have been,” Sayid replied. “You’re going to draw trouble and heartache to Sawyer if you’re not careful. I have the feeling he doesn’t need either one of those.”
Peter looked at Sayid sadly, got up and walked over to the desk; put both hands on it and looked into Sayid’s eyes. Finally he said, “I’ve already told him that trouble has followed me all my life. I was raised in living hell, and I’m damaged because of it. Nobody should have to go through what I’ve been through.”
Sayid looked sad now. “You’re not the only one here who has lived through hell, who has lost everything that matters to them.”
Peter looked at Sayid and said quietly, “I can tell we’re both alike in that regard. I’ve always been very good at being able to look in a person’s eyes and see all the way into their heart. When I look into your eyes Sayid, I see someone who has experienced as much anguish and pain in their life as I have had in mine. Your friends and lovers haunt you – the ways they were torn from you, just as mine haunt me. I think we’ve both already had more pain in our lives than it seems possible to stand.” Sayid’s eyes glistened as Peter asked, “How do you keep going on and living each day Sayid?”
Sayid replied sorrowfully, “I just keep getting up each day and try to live with myself. I try not to dwell in the past, and just try to make it to night each day.”
Peter replied regretfully, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to cause you pain and stir up memories!” Peter paused for a long time, then he spoke again. “I know you have been a soldier, but I see something else in your eyes that most people probably never see. A deeper part of you. You also have a soul of a lover and are capable of great tenderness and care. That part of you still lives. Don’t let life take that from you Sayid. It is your secret strength.”
Sayid was surprised by the younger man’s insight. He had just never spoken much with Peter, and yet he knew more about his deepest soul in just a few moments than anyone else here. Perhaps he had misjudged the younger man. Peter’s expression changed and he looked forlorn and despondent as he sat back down on the couch. He pulled his knees up to his head, wrapped his arms around his legs, lowered his head to his knees and rocked slowly back and forth. Sayid grimaced, he knew that was very bad body language, he had seen others who had lost all hope do the same thing. Closing themselves off and rocking themselves.
Sayid got up and sat down next to him on the couch, putting his hand on Peter’s shoulder. “You have to be strong Peter. Don’t give up. It can’t be any worse than the things I have seen or done. I live with the guilt everyday of men I have killed or hurt and friends or lovers that I was unable to save like Shannon and my best friend. You just have to keep going.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been through.” Peter rasped. “I carry all the pain, the shame, the scars with me everywhere I go. I can’t get away from it. It’s too much for me to bear sometimes.”
Sayid suddenly became aware that he felt someone else standing behind them in the entrance and he slowly turned his head to see who it was. “Have you been standing there long?” he asked Jack.
“Long enough. Just a minute or so. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I could tell Peter was upset and didn’t want to intrude into the conversation,” Jack replied.
Peter sat both his feet down on the floor, wiped his face and held his head in his hands. “Shit,” he muttered, “I’m ok.”
Jack looked at him, “I don’t think you are. You’re upset. What’s wrong?”
Sawyer came in just behind Jack, saw Peter and asked immediately, “Why are you upset?”
Peter shook his head but didn’t look up. “Hell I’m okay. Just leave me the fuck alone.” Jack turned and looked Sawyer in the eye and wondered whether Sawyer was mixed up in this somehow.
Jack asked Peter, “Do you want to tell one of us what you’re so depressed and troubled about?”
Peter took a long look at the three of them and hung his head lower. “No. I don’t want your pity and I don’t want to be treated differently by any of you.”
“Do you want to talk to me about it?” Sawyer asked.
Peter looked at the floor. “No, not about this, not now.”
“Okay then,” Sawyer said quietly, but Sayid and Jack were both looking at him and saw the hurt, confusion and doubt go across Sawyer’s face. Sawyer gathered his courage to ask one more question, “Was it something I’ve said or done that’s bothering you?”
Peter looked at Sawyer, “No, you didn’t do or say anything. It’s me, it’s all me.” They stood there silently.
Jack finally spoke. “You’re depressed, angry and upset. Maybe you should talk to Libby then. Just think about it. I think you need to talk to somebody. Something is really bothering you. I’m available if you want to talk, just let me know. I’ll be back after while.” Peter just shook his head okay, turned and walked upset back down the hall towards the bunkroom. Jack left and Sawyer followed down the hall behind Peter. Sawyer felt like he’d gone from the top of the world into the depths of the ocean in an hour.