An Unkindess of Ravens

A/N: Once again we are coming to the end of another story. The next chapter will be the end. Thank you Ryan for turning me on to OTH and thank you everyone else who read and reviewed.“Well, I think that went well,” Nathan quipped as he scurried to keep pace with his brother. They’d actually passed Nathan’s car a few blocks back but Nathan understood Lucas’s need to walk.



“You think this is a joke?” Lucas asked, whirling around suddenly causing Nathan to bump into him. Nathan wasn’t stupid enough to go for a second attempt at levity.



“I think the whole thing was a bad idea,” he answered solemnly.



“Which part?” Lucas moved closer, ignoring the strange stares from passersby. “The part where you told the fucking doctor you were in love with me or the part where you told her your friends raped me.”



“Lucas,” Nathan rasped out, “I was only trying to help.”



“Don’t you get it,” Lucas replied, his voice full of venom, “I don’t want your help and I certainly don’t want you.”



Nathan glanced at a couple of teens who obviously slowed down to hear the argument.



“Am I embarrassing you?” Lucas fumed.



Nathan shook his head. He wished that the whole thing had been a dream; Lucas’s rape, the kiss they shared, the feelings he couldn’t seem to turn off.



“No,” he lied and fixed his gaze on his brother, hoping to bluff him into a calmer attitude. “Can we go back to my place to talk about this.”



The teens that gathered moved on when it looked like a fist fight would not ensue. Lucas nodded and walked past his brother back towards the car. Once in and on their way, Nathan wasn’t sure a free for all on the street wouldn’t have been a better option. At least there would be witnesses. He tried to subdue the smile that threatened to break loose across his face when he thought about the look of shock and surprise on Dr, Foster’s face during their session.



“What’s so funny,” Lucas grumbled.



“I think your therapist is going to need a therapist after today.” He hadn’t meant to be so flippant with his remarks and was sure Lucas was about to explode again. Nathan actually did a quick double take when he heard a small laugh escape his brother’s lips.



“Nate?”



Nathan’s heart did back flips every time Lucas called him that.



“Yeah Luke?”



“Thanks.”



“For what?”



“For coming with me today. I don’t think I could have gone on seeing her and keeping the truth bottled up.”



Nathan nodded cautiously. They’d had these moments before, when things seemed to be going well and then chaos erupted.



“I just couldn’t bear to see you like that,” Nathan answered truthfully.



“I know. I …I just wish I could have done it on my own terms.”



“Did you mean all the things you said in there?” Nathan asked, even though he knew talk of a physical relationship always led to more outbursts.



Lucas nodded.



“She probably thinks we’re nuts.” Nathan glanced at Lucas again before focusing on the road.



“I don’t care what she thinks,” Lucas said. He closed his eyes momentarily, resting his head back against the seat. “I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of being ashamed.”



“You’ve nothing to be ashamed of.”



Lucas opened his eyes and turned his head to face his brother.



“Not even how I feel about you?”



“Especially that,” Nathan said firmly.



“I wish…”Lucas sighed before letting the thought die.



“You wish what?” Nathan wondered why they couldn’t have talked this calmly at their session.



“I wish I had known how you felt before all this. Do you think, if I wasn’t…If this didn’t happen, you’d feel the same?”



Nathan shook his head, focusing on the road. He wasn’t sure. Every since he found Lucas on that back road, he hadn’t been sure about a lot of things. During their session, Lucas all but said that had Nathan been there, he would have taken part too. Even Dr. Foster, after she recovered from the shock, had made comments about the psychosexual implications in hazing and initiation rites. Nathan didn’t think he had a sex problem with Lucas, aside from suddenly wanting to fuck him. Okay, so he’d stolen his clothes and the kidnapping would have included some forced stripping but he wasn’t a crazed pervert like Tim. Part of him was glad he had called it off and wasn’t there. He hated thinking he was capable of destroying Lucas the way Tim and his teammates had.



As they reached Nathan’s apartment door, Nathan saw a paper taped to the front of it. He tore it down and handed it to Lucas while he got out his keys and unlocked the door. He was inside and flicked on the light, about to shut the door when he saw his brother, frozen in place outside the door, staring at the paper.



“Luke, what is it?”



A single tear spilled down Lucas’s face and without hesitation, Nathan pulled the teen inside and into his arms.



“Talk to me Luke. What’s wrong. Is it about this afternoon?”



He felt his brother tremble against him and heard the rustle of paper near his ear. Nathan pulled back to see that Lucas was offering the paper up to him. More tears followed and Nathan was torn between consoling his brother and finding out what caused his distress in the first place. The minute his eyes focused, he knew instantly what had changed his brother’s mood.



The blue flyer had the worst picture of Tim he’d ever seen plastered dead in the center of it. Bold letters proclaimed a benefit dinner for the first annual Tim Smith Memorial Scholarship Fund.



Nathan crumbled the paper and let it fall to the ground. He wrapped his arms around his brother and rode out wave after wave of sobs, placing comforting kisses against his blond locks and rocking him gently in his arms.



“I’m so sorry Lucas…I’m so sorry.”



Nathan wasn’t sure how long they stood like that. Lucas seemed to go weak in his arms, exhausted from the emotional trauma of the day. He guided them to the sofa and sat, pulling Lucas against his chest. He felt just as exhausted as he assumed his brother did. It was getting dark outside when Lucas finally pulled himself together.



“Can I stay here tonight?” He asked, leaning forward, his elbows on his lap, his face buried in the palms of his hands.



“Sure,” Nathan said, rubbing soothing circles against his back. “You should call your mom.”



Lucas shivered and nodded, rising to retrieve his brother’s cordless phone. He sidestepped the discarded flyer still lying crumbled on the floor. While Lucas was on the phone, Nathan picked up the paper and tossed in the trash outside. If he’d been a smoker, he would have had a cigarette to calm his nerves. He couldn’t imagine the day getting any worse than it was already. He was still drained from the shouting and tears from earlier, the almost argument that ensued and enduring another emotional blow to Lucas fragile psyche. With a deep shuddering breath, he walked back into his apartment in time to hear Lucas telling his mom he loved her.



“Everything okay?” He asked, knowing that was a loaded question when it came to his brother.



“Yeah. How about you? You okay?”



Nathan nodded.



“I’m going to tell her,” Lucas announced. “I’m going to tell my mom.”



Nathan knew it was a selfish thought, but he couldn’t help but believe if Karen knew what his friends had done, it would be the end of any hope of getting closer to Lucas. Instead he smiled, nodded and agreed to be by his side when he did. Nathan only hoped it would go better than things had gone today.



Neither had an appetite but Nathan insisted they eat. Money was tight so the two scrounged through Nathan’s fridge and came up with a meal that bordered on breakfast. After, they sat quietly on the sofa, held hands and watched a DVD. Lucas yawned a couple of times and Nathan decided it was time for both of them to get some sleep.



Nathan was surprised how quickly Lucas drifted off. He himself sat up for a while watching his brother, curled up, back facing him. He wanted to slip behind him, bury his face in his hair and slip an arm around his waist, but he knew that was the last thing Lucas needed or wanted. Feeling sleep finally come after what seemed like hours, he turned of the light and lay on his back staring up in the darkened room at the ceiling. When he opened his eyes it was to the sight of Lucas resting against his chest, one arm thrown carelessly across his midsection. Lucas stirred slightly as sunlight spilled through the blinds and across the bed. Nathan lay still, waiting for his brother to fully awaken. Crystal blue eyes met his questioningly and Nathan offered up a hapless smile.



“What time is it?” Lucas groaned before burrowing in closer. Nathan draped an arm lightly around his brother’s shoulder.



“It’s seven?”



“It’s Saturday right?”



“Yeah.”



“Let’s sleep a little longer,” Lucas sighed against his human pillow.



“I have to go to work in a little while,” Nathan answered regretfully. There was nothing he wanted more than to spend the morning laying in bed with his brother.



“What time?”



Lucas’ voice vibrating against his chest tickled but he stifled his laugh and answered him, “Eleven.”



“Plenty of time,” Lucas murmured. By the sound of his voice, Nathan could tell he was already half asleep.



The second time they woke, Nathan found himself spooned behind his brother with Lucas’ light snoring as his alarm clock. It was after nine and Nathan knew he really should start pulling himself together. The mall opened at ten and his shift at the pretzel stand started at eleven. He knew he’d probably have to drop Lucas home since he picked him up yesterday so they could go to his session after school. That left less than an hour to eat, shower, take his brother home and clock in on time.



“Let’s have pretzels for breakfast,” Lucas muttered, turning over to face his brother, “that way you don’t have to rush to get ready.”



Nathan smiled and stroked his brother’s hair. “You must be a mind reader. You up to hanging out at the mall all day?”



“Not really. I thought I’d eat with you and then take your car and go home. I’ll pick you up when you get off and then I thought…you could come home with me…”



“And talk to Karen,” Nathan finished. “Okay.”



Nathan knew if anyone should have butterflies in their stomach it should be Lucas and not him. He didn’t want to let on how terrified he was of telling Karen the truth. He’d been selfish once, when he didn’t take Lucas to the hospital after the attack. He wasn’t going to be selfish again and bail on his brother.



The day went by much too fast after Lucas left the mall. He drove around for a bit, went by the river court but didn’t stay. Basketball was ruined for him. Not even playing with his old friends held any appeal. He wondered if Nathan missed it and would he rejoin the team next year. They’d spent so much time focusing on him, that Lucas never thought much about Nathan or his feelings. He wondered how much of their new found friendship was based on his brother’s guilt. The funny thing was, earlier, when they had first woke up, it was the first time he hadn’t thought about the rape, or his mixed feelings for his brother. Everything felt right. It was a feeling he wanted to hold on to, but he knew he couldn’t if he held on to his secrets.



He knew his brother was afraid. He could read it on his face. He had every right to be. His mom would more than likely flip when she found out what Nathan’s friends had done to him. She probably would blame Nathan just as he had and in some ways still did. Lucas wondered if bringing Nathan with him would be a mistake. Things hadn’t exactly gone well with his therapist. He could hardly imagine things going smoothly with his mother. He only hoped Nathan wouldn’t have another outburst where he declared his undying love for him.



Lucas went home, climbed into his bed and tried to sleep. Sleeping was a crap shoot for him. Some nights were dreamless and others, he was there again, pushed down against the back seat, bent over the trunk of the car, being violated over and over again before being dumped in the murky water. Only this time, for the first time, he didn’t hear Nathan’s voice with the others. It had taken so much for Lucas to trust Nathan and believe he hadn’t been there. In his dreams the faceless boys taunted him. During the actual attack they’d remained silently. Their grunts and groans the only thing to distinguish each rapist from the next. Lucas woke sweating and hyperventilating. He threw back the covers and headed for the shower. He always felt dirty after the dreams. A thought occurred to him and it frightened him. ‘What if this secret is the only thing keeping us together?’ Suddenly the thought of losing Nathan seamed unbearable. He closed his eyes against the warm stream of water and let it was away the tears the streamed down his face. ‘I can’t lose you,’ he repeated in his head over and over again. “I can’t,” he dared to admit out loud.