Carry On My Wayward Son

Chapter 8

 

---

I'm one card short of a full deck

I'm not quite the shilling

One wave short of a shipwreck

I'm not my usual top billing

I'm coming down with a fever

I'm really out to sea

This kettle is boiling over

I think I'm a banana tree

Oh dear

 

-I'm Going Slightly Mad

-Queen

 

---

 

Sitting there, it took Sam's brain a full minute to actually 'get' then process what Dean had said. Then a couple more for the full panic of what that actually meant to settle in. Blushing up to the roots of his hair, all he could do was sit there and stammer, staring at the P.M. his brother had sent, hoping like hell that he had read it wrong. But, he hadn't, unfortunately. Quickly, after that, his mind gave him a vivid display of the things he had done on the cam since that name had begun to show in chat, at least that he could remember anyway. It also reminded him that, indeed, that name had been included on the list of those that had watched his little shows when he put them on. Hell, that name had once P.M.'ed him to ASK that he put on a show. That is when his brain went into revolt and he just couldn't handle any more, sure he was going insane from the ramifications of it.

 

Staring at the screen, he began to shake so badly that he could barely find the right keys when he typed out, 'Dean? WTF?' This HAD to be a joke, HAD TO BE! The ramifications of it, if it wasn't, weren't something that he thought he could handle. The mere thought that his brother, the being he loved and had looked up to his whole life, had watched him... Oh, no! He couldn't even begin to process that, let alone deal with the fallout that came from it! Gulping heavily, his stomach started to churn, the color drained out of his face and an icy chill snaked it's way down his spine. Then, certain other body parts began to try to crawl back up inside him, trying to hide somewhere behind his kidneys at the thought that his brother had watched that! He wanted to crawl in a hole and die from both shame and embarrassment at this point.

Staring at the computer screen, shaking his head, denial took over as he waited for Dean's response. Despite what the message looked like, he had to have read it wrong or Dean had made a typo somewhere because he couldn't have said that. It was a flimsy hope but, dammit, he was clinging to it for the sake of his sanity!

 

With a heavy sigh, Dean looked at the message that came back to him, shaking his head. Knowing Sammy the way he did, he was already certain what his reaction was to that bomb. Part of him, the part that still wanted to deny that he was feeling what he was for his brother, wanted to send back something that said it was all a joke then to laugh it off, letting Sam know he had gotten him but good. However, he couldn't do that. Geek boy would indeed know he was lying since there was no way he could have pulled that name out of thin air. Scrubbing a hand over his face, he just stared at the screen for a minute, trying to decide what his next move should be. But, honestly, it didn't take that much to decide. Shifting around slightly into a more comfortable position on the bed, he carefully typed out, 'yeah, Sammy, I'm that name. You're not reading the message wrong.' Then he stopped to wait for his brother's reaction. Though, knowing Sam as well as he did, he was sure what it might be.

 

Staring at his screen, all Sam could do was shake his head as his mouth suddenly went dry as a desert and the shaking grew worse. Eyes locked on those two sentences, he tapped out, 'What the hell, Dean? Why do you have that name? And, more to the point, what the hell were you doing in that room watching me on cam?' Before he hit send, he thought about it for a minute or so then added, 'Are you really bisexual or were you just going in there to spy on me?' Sitting back, scrubbing a hand over his face, feeling sick, Sam waited for the response from his brother. Right now, he was torn between being mortified and pissed as hell. The response from Dean was going to judge which way it went.

 

Hand over his mouth, Dean stared at the computer screen and tried to figure out just what he was going to say. No matter how he went about this, Sam was going to be furious. He just wanted to minimize it the best he could since, when Sam was mad, there was very little reasoning with him. He needed his brother to stay calm enough that he could get it all out before he blew up all over the place.

 

Shaking his head, he tried to sort through how to go about this. Finally, when he came up with what he thought the best way was, he cracked his knuckles then began to type. 'Alright, Sammy, I admit that, at first, I did all of it to spy on you. I was just trying to figure out where your head was, dude. It was obvious, to me, that something was really wrong and spooking you. I thought that by creating that name then following you around, I could get a better feel for what was going on.' Stopping, he waited. Though he didn't answer all the questions, something he sure Sam would notice right off the bat, he was hoping that what he had 'said' would explain part of it.

 

Face starting to flush with anger, Sam gritted his teeth then typed back, quickly, 'So, you were spying on me! WTF, Dean? Did you think I was going to sit and talk to a bunch of strangers about what is really going on? Sure, that would go over well! You see, because I died my brother made a deal then went to hell and broke the first seal. Because of that Armageddon is looming. Yeah, Dean, I'm talking about that to others!' After hitting send, he narrowed his eyes at the screen, rereading what his brother said. Then, quickly, keyed in, 'I'm gathering the whole bisexual thing was b.s. then? Just to see what I would say since you obviously figured out I was? I noticed you didn't answer that particular question, bro!'

 

Oh yeah, Sammy was pissed! Dean sighed and shook his head at the screen, not sure how to formulate what he wanted to say or how to go about any of it. Since he really hadn't planned for any of this, in any way, he wasn't sure what to say. Tapping one finger on the laptop, he tried to think then decided to go for it and just let it flow. That usually worked out best for him. Launching in, he typed out, 'Look, Sammy, I know you’re pissed, alright? Just let me explain the best I can before you blow up. I didn't think you were talking about any of it to anyone. Really, I didn't. What I was trying to do was more to get a feel for things than know what exactly was going on in that big brain of yours. Since you didn't know I was around, I was able to kinda' get a feel for what was going on with you since you wouldn't be on guard like you would if you knew I was there, letting me know, at least a little, what you were dealing with. That's all I intended to do, Sammy, honest! I thought of it as along the lines of scoping out a situation when we are hunting, doing surveillance and all that.' Stopping, he hit send on that then began to work on the other things his little brother had brought up. 'Look, the bisexual bit.. I told you that I wasn't sure that was the term for what it is, alright? I admitted that to you. And, yes, there is one man I’m interested in that way, alright? That wasn't a lie! I wouldn't lie to you about something like that, dude! It wasn't me pulling a fast one, you have to believe that. 'Cause, shit, I wouldn't say something like that if it weren't real!'

 

Sitting there, jaw working furiously as he repeatedly clenched his teeth, Sam read through both P.M.'s he had received, drumming his fingers on the desk, trying to think it over. Oh, he was pissed, there was no doubt about that. But, on some level, he could understand why Dean had done it, at least part of it. In fact, he would probably expect something like that or do it himself if the situations were reversed. Especially if he were quite worried about the situation, as Dean apparently was. He was also mollified by the admission about the bisexual bit. If he remembered the conversation correctly, Dean did say he wasn't sure if that was the term for what it was as it was only one, unnamed, person. That made him feel better on the topic because he could at least understand it. However, that didn't explain all of it, like watching him on cam. Focusing back on the P.M., he quickly typed out, 'That's all well and good, Dean, but why in the hell did you watch me on cam? WTF? You even ASKED me to put on a show once! What was that about? You're my damn brother!'

 

Sighing, Dean shook his head. This one was going to be harder to deal with on his end. Part of it he could explain without getting into the whole attraction bit but the other... that wasn't possible. He was going to have to come clean about it. But, not really wanting to go there as upset as Sam was, he was hoping to dance around it. He wasn’t counting on Sam allowing him to do that but he could hope, couldn't he? Slowly, trying to word the P.M. as carefully as he could, he typed out, 'Look, bro... the first time... Honestly, I didn't know what you were going to do. When I showed up in that chatroom that very first time I hadn't been in one before. Then, the cam bit... well, shit, I didn't know what you were going to do! I thought it was something like what you and I do; just talk and shit like that! I had no clue that you were going to be doing that shit! Fuck! You get embarrassed looking up porn! How was I supposed to know my baby brother is an exhibitionist?' Hitting send, Dean waited for the reaction but was sure that Sam wasn't going to let the topic go as he had already mentioned his request for a show.

 

Quickly reading the latest message, Sam thought it over. If he remembered right, when that name started showing in the room, it was obvious it was a new being, unused to chatrooms since they had problems with the trolls and such. Anyone that wasn't knew how to deal with those kinds of things. They had all walked that name through how to go about shutting down the P.M.s so that they didn't get bombarded. With what he knew of Dean, he was sure that was the truth, that he hadn't done it before. Nor did he think his brother would know what that kind of cam show was. Shit, if Dean had known that he could get free shows in chatrooms on cams, he would have never gotten him off his damn computer! His brother wasn't a naive type of being with most things but when it came to the internet he wasn't the best at it either. So, honestly, he tended to believe that. Then there was the fact that he had gone out of his way, while traveling, to hide such tendencies from his brother. He doubted that Dean would know what he liked to do, especially since he, apparently, didn't cotton on to the fact that he was bisexual. That was something he believed as well, as he had made certain Dean didn't. So, okay, some of it was explained. But not all.

 

Narrowing his eyes, he glared back at the screen then typed in, hitting the keys a lot harder in his anger than he normally would, 'That's all well and good, Dean! And, honestly, I believe you on that part. BUT, it doesn’t explain why you continued to watch me, knowing what was going on. Nor why in the hell you actually P.M.ed me later on wanting me to do a show for you! Explain that, dude! 'Cause I really want to understand that bit!' Sitting back, Sam waited for an answer, tapping his foot. But, somewhere inside him, he was frightened of what it was going to be. He wasn't sure why, but he was dead-bang certain that it was going to throw him for a loop and cause more problems than he already had.

 

Staring at the screen, Dean let out a deep sigh, shaking his head. Alright, his little brother had put him on the spot and it was now up to him to deal with it from here on out. His first instinct was to make up some kind of lie, such as he was just trying to fit in, to play it off but, right now, he didn't think that was the best thing to do. He was being honest about all of this, that was the tone of the whole night. He didn't want to start lying about things now. Plus, really, Sam had a right to know why he had done it since he had kicked the damn door open. Quickly, he typed in, 'Give me a minute, alright, Sam? I've got to try to find a way to explain this,' before leaning back and attempting to suss out a way to go about doing this that didn't make him sound like a worse pervert than the whole thing was going to come across anyway.

 

Tapping a foot on the floor, Sam glared at the P.M. then shot back, 'Oh, trust me, I can't wait for this, Dean!' But he was going to give his brother time to do it since he wanted to know what the hell was going on!

 

Shutting his eyes, Dean tried to build up the courage to do this. Knowing it was now or never, he looked directly at the keyboard, unable to make himself look at the screen while he admitted this, then started typing. 'Alright, I admit it, when I found out what kind of cam show you were doing, I should have shut the damn thing! Shit, why I didn't is still a mystery to me. The whole time I was watching that first one I was blushing like some kind of virgin on her wedding night, not believing what I was seeing! I think I was so stunned to see you do something like it that I couldn't do it or something. I dunno, Sam... But, after that, I couldn't get it out of my head either.'

 

'Let me say this now, before I go on... Ever since we were kids, I never thought of you that way, alright? Over the years I know we've seen each other naked and all that, it comes with the territory. I also know that, from time to time, we've walked in on each other doing things that are fucking embarrassing. Again, it comes with the territory when beings are together like we were. Shit, I thought nothing of it and ignored it like I'm sure you did when it happened to you. But that show... something about it changed things for me, Sammy. And I don't know why.' Stopping, Dean fondled the enter key to send that part but thought it over. There was more he wanted to add, something, somewhere, that would go along to explain it, but he didn't know what. Quickly, he typed in, 'There is more, Sam, so don't take this as all the explanation, alright? Just give me a minute or two to sort out what I want to say.' Then he hit send.

 

Quickly reading what his brother had sent, Sam narrowed his eyes, feeling his gut clench tightly. He had a feeling where this was going and didn't like it at all but kept a tight grip on it so he could wait for the rest of the explanation before he started to panic. Quickly, he typed out, 'Go on, Dean,' before settling back to wait for the rest.

 

Scrubbing a hand over his face in an agitated way, Dean then sighed and shook his head. Again, staring at the keyboard, he let his fingers dance over them as he tried to explain what the hell was going on in his twisted damned mind. 'For me, right now, it would be easy to blame all this on my time in hell. There, well, shit gets twisted in you and you consider things you wouldn't, normally. But I don't think that's the case here, Sammy. What I saw that night made things click for me in a strange way. I was embarrassed as hell, beating myself over the head for even watching it, but the truth is that it turned me on. I don't know why, really I don't! Nor, even now, can I explain it. I think, at the time, I chalked it up to it being sex is sex but, when I couldn't get it out of my head and wanted to see more, I realized it went beyond that.' Stopping, Dean fought off the embarrassment he was feeling then forced himself to continue. 'Shit, Sammy, you know how I feel about women. I adore 'em and want all I can get. After that show, though, it wasn't that way, still isn't honestly. I tried thinking about them then going out and getting laid as much as I could but all I kept thinking about was what I had seen.'

'After that, well, I assumed that it might be just that something was unleashed in me and, maybe, I was starting to like men as well. But I found out pretty quickly that wasn't the case. I wasn't interested in any men at all, no matter who it was. They didn't do anything for me, ya know? But you did.' Hitting send, he didn't even wait for any reaction from his brother before continuing on.

 

'After that, well, I couldn't stop thinking about it, no matter what I did. Even going out and hooking up with some damned barfly didn't quell it. Shit, the more I thought about it, the less interested I was in anyone else. All I could think about was you and seeing more. Then, well shit, the dreaming and fantasizing started. That I can't shake no matter what I do, dammit! That's why I asked for the cam show. You can hate me all you want, Sam, but I'm powerless to stop it!' Stopping, Dean hit send before he could chicken out then sat back and waited for his brother to explode all over him, to tell him what a sick freak he was and that he wanted nothing more to do with him.

 

Sitting there, Sam scrolled through the P.M. his brother sent, not believing his eyes. When he finished, he scrolled back then reread it to make sure that he hadn't misread it or something. Swallowing convulsively as he 'got' what his brother was saying, Sam shook his head, shivering slightly, not at all sure what to make of Dean's confession. Nor was he comfortable with what was implied by it. He would admit that way back, as a teen when the hormones were running rampant, after he realized he like men, he thought about Dean a couple times but, quickly, that fell by the wayside as he discovered others. From what he knew now, that was a rather normal thing, especially when you consider what he and his brother's lives were like at the time. Since then, though, he hadn't thought about it. Nor, in his wildest dreams, would he ever have thought that Dean would think about him like that. Shit, his brother liked women way too much for him to ever have thought Dean harbored such thoughts. Now, though, he had to deal with it since Dean had admitted such a thing. Leaning back, he pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes shut. How the hell did he respond to this? He didn't know that since he hadn't thought he would have to deal with such a thing. Letting out a pained whimper, he shook his head then sat back up. Staring at the P.M., he typed, 'Dean, dude, I don't know what to say! Shit, what can I say? I'm more than a little freaked out right now by this. But I have to ask, is this just fantasies or do you want to act on them?' Stopping, he hit send then waited. Honestly, he thought that if it was just a fantasy thing he might be able to handle it. When they got back together he would have a hard time looking at his brother for a while but it would fall by the wayside. If it was more than that, he didn't know what he would do.

 

When Dean received the message, he was actually unnerved, no, strike that, more than a tad frightened, that it wasn't some long diatribe that called him a sick pervert. The fact that he was actually calm made it to where he didn't know what to think nor did he have any way to gauge Sam's reaction. Staring at the last question, he swallowed thickly and shook his head. He didn't want to answer that question, really he didn't! Sam was going to completely freak on him if he did. But, since Sam asked, he was going to answer. Putting some starch in his backbone, he wrote, 'Sammy, it goes beyond fantasy. I want to try it. Shit, dude, I know how completely fucked up that is! You don't have to tell me it is, alright? But I want to be honest with you that's what it is on this end. It's sick, twisted and beyond fucked up, but I lay there at night and think about all the things I want to do to and with you. Nor can I stop it!' Hitting send, he was now sure his brother was about to tell him to fuck off and he never wanted to talk to him again. Shit, he could understand that! Right now, he didn't like himself much but he didn't know how to stop it either! With each passing day, it grew worse. And he was sure that once they were together he would try it to. That was so wrong that he couldn't even start to consider the depths of it.

 

Staring at Dean's response, Sam swallowed, shivering, shaking his head. How in the hell did he respond to something like that? He didn't know. Any normal being would use this as the point they cut off all contact with the other being but he couldn't do that with Dean. Not only was their relationship such that he didn't want to do something like that but, with all else that was riding on things, he just couldn't do it. But, to process all this, he needed time. That was something he could do and planned on.

Straightening up, he typed out, 'Alright, Dean, I understand all this but, dude, it's a lot to drop on me at once! Right now, I don't know what to feel or think about it. So, this is what I'm going to do.... I'm going to log off for the night then think it all over. I'm not going to vanish on you, I just need time, dude! Tomorrow night, about my normal time, I'll be back online. We'll talk more then. Does that work for you? Cause, dude, I need to be alone right now, not talking to you, while I think.' Hitting send, he waited, just wanting to get away for a while to process this mind altering scenario.

 

After a quick read through of what Sam had said, Dean gave a deep sigh. No, he didn't like it, wanting to hash it out right then, but he could get where his brother was coming from. He was, of course, heartened, that Sammy hadn't told him to just fuck off and die but he didn't like this either. When Sam over-analyzed things, nothing good could come out of it. But he knew giving him some distance to think was probably needed. Shoulders slumping, he wrote back, 'Alright, Sammy, I get it, you need some time. You're going to come back tomorrow so we can deal with this right? Not just freak out and vanish on me?' Though his brother had said he wouldn't, Dean wanted reassurance since this was a huge bomb to drop on him.

 

Giving a sad smile, Sam wrote, 'I promise, Dean, I'll be on tomorrow. I just need time is all, to process and think. So, I'll talk to you then, alright?'

 

'Works for me, Sammy. Do what you need to and we'll talk tomorrow. Get some sleep, dude, not just driving yourself nuts over this, alright? Night, bro!' Dean typed, feeling his gut clenching. Shutting his eyes, he rubbed them, wondering just how bad this was going to get the next day.

 

Giving a snort about the sleep part, sure that wasn't going to come anytime soon, Sam replied, 'You too, bro!' then logged out for the night. Standing up, he stretched before making a beeline straight for the booze. Oh, he needed some right now and fully planned on having a couple drinks before he would even attempt to sort through this surreal nightmare! Then, well, he wasn't sure but he had some serious decisions to make on many things, none of them easy either.

 

With a sigh, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and headed for his bedroom, not relishing the long hours of dark that stretched ahead of him while he had nothing to do but think this over.