Lost

Disclaimer: I don't own the Magnificent Seven, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Slash, Angst


Rating: FRT

Lost
Chapter 8


In a dark bedroom a figure twisted beneath the sheets, tangling himself in them as a nightmare engulfed him, allowing no escape. Quiet moans filled the room, but nobody was there to hear them. Hands fisted in the sheets, tugging on them, a few mumbled words escaping from his throat. Begging forgiveness from another who wasn't there to hear. Pleas for comfort and help fell on an empty room. With a sudden cry, bitten off before it could fully form, he jerked upright in the bed, breathing harshly as though he'd just ran ten miles.

Buck glanced frantically around the room, almost expecting to see Vin standing in the corner, staring at him with hate filled eyes. "A dream," he whispered, "it was just a dream." He could only hope that it remained a dream. If what he'd done caused Vin to act like he'd been in his nightmare... Buck shuddered, the remnants of the nightmare fresh in his mind. Laying back against the pillows, he scrubbed a hand over his face, as though with this simple action he could erase the images of the nightmare. Glancing at the clock, he saw that the alarm would be sounding in an hour. “No more sleep tonight,” he sighed. Throwing back the covers, he climbed from the bed and made his way down the hall to the shower.

Standing under the steaming water, Buck couldn't banish the dream or the feelings it had brought to the surface. He knew he could never make things right with Vin, no matter what he wanted. How could he ever expect Vin to be comfortable around him again? There sure wasn't any way Vin would be able to trust him again. Buck didn't hold any illusions about that, not that he blamed the younger man for feeling that way. He knew if the roles had been reversed he would've found it impossible to trust again after such a horrible betrayal of his friendship. He shook his head, berating himself as a fool. The roles would never have been reversed, because Vin would've found a way to escape the situation without hurting him. Buck had given in though, had done as Spencer ordered, his fear for Vin's life driving rational thought from his mind. As the water washed away the sweat, but not the feelings of filth and shame, Buck began to wonder if JD was right. “Did I take advantage of the situation? Is that why I didn't find a way out of it, because I wanted Vin? Dear God what kind of man am I? How do I face him again? I can't...I have to resign, there's no way I can face him. Stop it Buck!” he ordered himself. “You owe it to him to be there when he walks into the office today. You ain't got the right to avoid him, to run. You only leave if he tells you to and if he does you get without an argument. If you do nothing else for him you make sure he don't feel guilty for asking you to leave the team.” Buck lectured himself, unaware of the tears that were beginning to streak his cheeks at the thought of leaving his only family behind. Of leaving the man he loved, never to see him again, never to hear his voice or look into those beautiful eyes. As the water turned cold it took a few minutes for it to register. Turning off the stream of water, he reached for a towel.

In a short while he was dried off, dressed and heading for Chris' kitchen. Starting a pot of coffee, he gathered the ingredients for a world class omelet. He didn't feel much like eating, but Chris had been a good friend, giving up his weekend to take care of him and Buck wanted to let him know it was appreciated.

“You're up early,” Chris commented as he stepped into the kitchen. Pulling a mug from the cabinet, he poured himself a cup of coffee.

Buck shrugged, “Wanted to fix you some breakfast, kind of a thank you for putting up with me all weekend.”

“Didn't have anything to do with the bad dream you had?” Chris casually asked.

Buck turned, staring at his old friend as he leaned against the counter, sipping his coffee. “How'd you know?”

“Didn't, but figured you might've had one. Want to talk about it?”

“Nope. Grab a plate will ya?” Buck asked. Finishing up the omelet, he slid it onto the plate Chris held.

He considered forcing the issued, but decided to let it slide for now. Turning his attention to the stove, Chris eyed the skillet, noticing that Buck had already put the eggs away. “Aren't you having any?”

“I already ate,” Buck lied.

“Buck you need to eat and don't lie to me again, you forget how well I know you.”

“I'm too nervous to eat Chris,” Buck admitted.

“He'll forgive ya Buck,” Chris soothed.

“He shouldn't have to forgive me,” Buck snapped. “I raped him, betrayed him in the worst way a man can betray a friend, how can he forgive that?”

“Because Vin is a forgiving man and a fair one. He knows you had no choice in what you did. Buck you're as much a victim as he is and Vin will understand that.”

“You really think I'm gonna walk into that office today and everything's gonna be fine?”

“No,” Chris honestly replied. “I think Vin will be willing to forgive ya and I think he'll do his best, but it won't happen overnight.”

Buck stared at his oldest friend for several minutes. “Thank you Chris, don't think I could've stood ya trying to feed me a bunch of platitudes and pretty lies.”

“We've always been honest with each other Buck, I sure ain't gonna change that now.”

“Good, now I'm gonna go feed the horses while you have your breakfast. When I'm done I'll get dressed for work and we can go on in.” Not giving Chris a chance to say anything, Buck turned and left the house.

Chris watched him go, a sad look playing over his handsome face. Sighing heavily, he hoped that Buck and Vin could work things out. He hated to think what it would do to the team, the family if they didn't. Deep down he knew that if Vin couldn't forgive Buck and/or if Buck couldn't forgive himself the family they'd cobbled together was finished.

He supposed Ezra would probably go to Vegas or somewhere like that, using the skills his mother had taught him to survive. Survive is all he'd do though, that sort of life would quickly turn him back into the distrusting, distant man he'd been when he first joined the team. Nathan would be alright, he'd still have Raine, maybe he'd even go back to medical school. Josiah would probably retire, spending more time helping out at his mission. JD, well he had a good future ahead of him with the ATF, with or without the team backing him. Chris had his ranch, but it would be a damned lonely place without the rest of the team dropping in on the weekends. Joining him for cookouts and trail rides, watching the game on Sunday afternoons and arguing over who would win. What worried him the most was what it would do to Buck and Vin if they broke apart over what had happened. Both men would blame themselves for the pain their friends were dealing with. Vin would probably go back to bounty hunting and with that guilt eating at him, he'd take foolish chances. It scared Chris to think of how short his friend's life would probably be if he took that route. Buck wouldn't be any better, except instead of losing himself in work, he'd lose himself in chasing the ladies. Any lady, married or single, until some jealous boyfriend or husband shot him. Absently Chris finished his breakfast and headed for his own shower. Damn it! He couldn't let the team be destroyed by what Philip Spencer had done. There had to be a way to help Buck and Vin repair the damage, they couldn't let Spencer win.

Buck came back into the house after feeding the horses. Hearing the shower running, he went to the guest room and pulled some clean work clothes from the closet. He choked back a grief stricken sound at the sight of Vin's clothes hanging from the rod. Each of them had taken to leaving some suitable clothes in the guest room at Chris' ranch for mornings like this. Buck had made sure that his clothes hung next to Vin's. It had made him feel like a stupid kid when he'd done it, still did, but he couldn't help himself. Now though, it only served as a cruel reminder of what he'd done and of what he'd lost. Quickly he shut the closet door and got dressed. Stepping out of the bedroom, he nearly ran into Chris, “Sorry,” he mumbled as he shouldered his way past his old friend.

Chris took a step back, barely avoiding the collision with Buck. He stared after him in surprise, his worry for his men and family climbing another notch. Blowing out a breath, he followed Buck out to the truck and slid behind the wheel. Without a word, he turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the drive for the silent drive to work. As he drove, Chris kept shooting looks in his friend's direction, but he said nothing. He couldn't help noticing that the closer they got to the office the more Buck fidgeted in the seat next to him, putting him in mind of a five year old on the first day of school. Just in time, he stopped himself from reaching over to pat his shoulder and assure him it would be okay. Chris smiled as he pictured Buck's likely reaction to being treated like a little boy.

Buck tried to stay calm, but it was no use. The closer they got to the federal building that housed their team office, the more nervous he became. When Chris pulled up to the last light before the parking garage, he nearly jumped from the truck and ran. The only thing that stopped him was knowing that Vin deserved better than that. As the big pick-up rumbled down the ramp to the garage, Buck automatically scanned the lot for Vin's jeep. He sucked in a sudden breath, not knowing whether to be relieved or worried when he didn't see it.

“He's probably just running late,” Chris assured him.

“You sure?” Buck asked. In that moment any relief he might've felt at the delay in facing Vin was gone, worry was all he could feel. “Maybe he decided to not come back.”

“No, he wouldn't do that.”

“I know ya know him real well Chris, y'all are closer than brothers but you can't be sure of that.”

“Yes I can and so can you Buck,” Chris argued. “I'm not saying he won't decide to leave, he could do that. What I am saying is Vin wouldn't walk away without a word. He'd come to the office and he'd leave the right way, you know it too.”

Buck nodded, knowing Chris was right. “Guess we better go on upstairs and get the coffee started before he does show up,” he tried to joke. Vin's coffee was notorious throughout the building as undrinkable. In fact Vin and Josiah were the only two in the entire place that could drink it and even Josiah couldn't handle it every day.

“Good idea,” Chris lightly replied. As they rode the elevator to their floor, he did his best to push his own worry away. It was probably like he'd told Buck, Vin was just running late. It did happen every once in a while and God knew he had plenty of reason for being late today. Chris nodded, that was all it was, Vin was just nervous about facing Buck. It made sense, after all that had happened, of course he would be nervous. Feeling better, Chris calmly stepped off the elevator as the doors opened on their floor. Striding to the team seven offices, he walked inside and headed straight for his office. Depositing his briefcase on the desk, he settled in and began to sort through the papers in the case. Focusing on the papers, Chris was proud that he only looked at the door leading from the hallway half a dozen times in thirty minutes. “Oh the hell with it,” he snapped, reaching for the phone just as the door opened and Vin walked through it. Jumping up he stormed into the bullpen, “Where the hell have you been?”

“Good morning to you too cowboy,” Vin drawled. “I know ya can't be this jumpy because of any coffee ya drank. Can't you or Buck make a decent cup of mud,” he teased. He knew why Chris was snapping and he hoped that by behaving like it was any other morning he could make the other man see that he was overreacting.

“Now we know what the problem is,” Chris smiled, recognizing what Vin was doing. “All this time we thought you were trying to make coffee and you were making mud.”

“Better than trying to make colored water like you boys,” Vin shot back. “But,” with a put upon sigh, “it's better than nothing and I could use something hot.” Nodding at Buck as he passed him, he made his way to the break room.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he leaned against the wall, using both hands to hold the cup steady. After the visions he'd had up on the mountain he had fooled himself into thinking that coming back to work would be simple. “Stupid,” he berated himself. He should've known better. Yes his spirit animals had helped him in finding the answers he needed. With their help he knew the path he needed to take, what he had forgotten was that it wouldn't be easy. This was a learning experience, one of the trials the spirits sometimes sent to a man to test him and help him grow. He had been told that the spirits sorely tested those who they loved best. They wanted to see men mature past an adolescent stage of development, a stage most of humanity would never escape. There were some though that the spirits believed had the capacity to grow into true maturity and Vin had been told years ago by one of the elders that he was such a one. It was however, up to him to rise above the tests they sent his way, learn from them and use them to grow. The alternative was to sink into bitter despair, allowing the trials he endured to turn him into a man who would prey on those weaker than himself, perpetuating the cycles of violence that lived in this world.

Yet, it was hard to remember that when he was hurting, and right now he hurt. He hurt for himself and his friend, it wasn't fair that they had been put through this. It wasn't fair that Buck was blaming himself for what he'd done and it wasn't right that a part of Vin was blaming him too. He had come into the office today, determined to carry on as though nothing had happened. He had forgiven Buck during his time on the mountain, at least he had thought he had. He saw now that he had only been kidding himself. It was going to take more than a weekend on the mountain and an understanding that Buck was as much a victim as he was if he was to find the path his vision had shown him. “What did the vision show ya?” he asked himself. “No masks, ya got to be yourself if you want them to drop their masks.” He had noticed it when he was in the office, Buck was already hiding behind a mask when he came through the door. Chris' slipped into place a moment after Vin's greeting. He had no doubt the rest of the team would be wearing masks as well. This was new territory for them all, none of them, not even Ezra, had ever been betrayed so badly by a friend. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off the wall and walked back into the main office.

“Good morning brother Vin,” Josiah boomed, hiding his worry, determined to behave normally.

“Morning Josiah,” he nodded, moving past him to his desk. Sitting down, he made no effort to mask his discomfort and nervousness, though he did nothing to draw attention to it either. A few minutes later, Nathan and JD came through the door, each greeting Vin with the same false tone in their voices as Josiah's had carried. Vin noticed of course, but he ignored it as he settled down to work.

Buck nervously watched Vin all morning. He noticed the subdued greetings he gave each of their teammates as they walked into the office. The nervous glances that were shot his way didn't escape his notice either, nor did he miss how carefully Vin focused on his work. He wished there was something he could say, but he had no idea what that should be. What do you say to a friend you've betrayed? Sighing deeply, he forced himself to concentrate on his own work, waiting for Vin to make the first move. For the first half of the morning the atmosphere in the office was uncomfortable, almost as if the room were occupied by strangers. Then a strange thing happened, as though Vin's obvious nervousness and discomfort gave them permission to feel their own, the others began to fidget nervously. Oddly, it helped Buck to relax as he noticed, first JD, followed quickly by Nathan and Josiah, beginning to let their discomfort be seen. He didn't like knowing that he was the cause of the discomfort in the air, but at least his friends no longer felt like strangers. Even Ezra, late as usual, was having a hard time hiding his unease.

Softly Vin smiled, ducking his head to hide it from his friends. The vision had been right. If he wanted his friends to be themselves, which included being uncomfortable, then he couldn't hide his feelings. He didn't need to flaunt his edginess, his discomfort, but he couldn't try to pretend it didn't exist. He was a part of a family now and families dealt with their problems together, not alone as he'd always done. He understood now, by owning his pain and acknowledging the power it held over him he would give his friends permission to help him deal with it, in the end healing all of them.

TBC

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