Learning To Let Go

All Previous Disclaimers Apply.

Author’s Note: Thank you very much to criminally charmed who knew that John Denver originally wrote and performed “Perhaps Love.” It is one of my favorite tunes and I’m always sad when I mention it that more people don’t know it. Eventually all of the lyrics will be used in this fic and I hope they might interest some other readers enough to listen to the song. It really is beautiful. Now that that has been said . . . as always, please be civil if you wish to flame and please, if you have a moment take the time to review. I refuse to demand that people review for me to post the next chapter, but reviews are always very much appreciated.


It shouldn’t be this uncomfortable. Reid looked around the silent table at the people he considered to be his family and let out a nearly imperceptible sigh. This morning had been exactly what he had expected, but had hoped wouldn’t happen. They were all awkward around him, even Hotch and Gideon. They acted as if they had to walk on eggshells, everyone was watching what they were saying, no one was making jokes, and so far this morning no one had touched him at all. It was something he had never really recognized until they stopped doing it. The touches weren’t really a big thing, just a hand to an elbow as they spoke in the kitchenette, a slap on the back as a greeting, or a hand to a shoulder when he had said something that they found particularly entertaining. But, this morning there was nothing. It was as if they were afraid he would shatter like glass. He had asked them to try to forget what he had told them yesterday because he didn’t want this to happen. He hadn’t wanted anything to change until it had to, but he hadn’t wanted to hide anything from them at all, either. Even JJ had been avoiding him. And what the hell was that about? She was supposed to be his best friend, wasn’t she?

So now they sat around the round table, quietly looking over the files that JJ had given them before she made her presentation about their newest case. The tension was so palpable you could almost touch it. It certainly felt like it was weighing everything down. God, he really didn’t want the rest of his short life to be like this. The depression and the quiet and the discomfort. He didn’t think he could stand it for more than another five minutes without going insane. And wouldn’t that be fun? For him to be insane and dying? Well, that might just be enough to make the others go a little bit crazy. Then, they could all have chess and checker tournaments in the common room of some sanitarium together. The image was sickly humorous enough that he couldn’t suppress the chuckle that quickly became a little bit of a hysterical laugh as he pressed the file closer to his face in an attempt to mask it.

“Something funny, Reid?” Hotch asked, looking up from his own copy of the files.

“Not really,” Reid couldn’t help it and began to laugh again. He was well aware that it was a purely psychological defense mechanism. He laughed so that he wouldn’t cry, but knowing that simply made him laugh all the harder, “It’s just that . . . you’re all acting like someone’s dying!” He couldn’t help it. The laughter turned more than a little hysterical. Gideon put a hand to his shoulder and it was such a relief that someone was touching him that he just continued to laugh.

“Reid, man, not funny.” Morgan addressed him for the first time all morning, “You . . .”

“No,” As suddenly as it had started, the laughter drained out of him, to be replaced instead with a deep, simmering anger. Well, it was a more constructive emotion at the moment, anyway. Even he was surprised at the strength of his voice. “I asked you all to try to forget what I told you exactly to avoid this scenario. I don’t want things to be strange until they have to be. I’m not dying yet. Not until I can’t leave a hospital bed. I’m willing to give you all the rest of today and tonight to work through this so that we can move on, but I won’t be able to live like this forever. I expect that by tomorrow you will have all gotten over it. Now, while you’re all sufficiently shocked with what I’ve just said- and yes, Morgan, I did just give everyone something close to an order- I’m going to get a cup of coffee and have myself a little bit of a visit with Garcia to make sure she knows what I’ve just told all of you.”

“He . . .” Emily stuttered as Reid swept out of the room, anger obvious on his face, “He just . . . wow.”

“He’s not going to make this easy on any of us, is he?” Morgan questioned, “No feeling sorry for him, or ourselves. No pity. I should have listened to her.”

“Who?” Hotch asked.

“Garcia.” Morgan sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, “She told me that I shouldn’t mourn before I had something to mourn about. Seems Reid’s not going to let us either.”

“So, she’s going to be completely normal with him?” JJ questioned.

“If I know my girl like I think I do,” Morgan shrugged.

“Good,” Gideon turned back to his files, “She’ll be able to calm him down. Now, JJ, start with your presentation. Reid can catch up.”

“You don’t want to wait?” JJ asked, motioning to her materials a little nervously.

“Would we wait if he were simply late?” Hotch asked, catching on, “He wants things to be like normal, things are going to be like normal. Go on, JJ.”

“Okay,” JJ turned and hit the power button on the remote. They all turned to the screen and tried to pay complete attention, just like normal, but it didn’t escape anyone’s notice that they were all looking at Reid’s empty chair more often than not during the presentation, wondering what it would be like when it was empty for good.

“This is Jess Langdon. Found four days ago in Colorado Springs, CO. Fifth in a series of like murders in and around Southeastern Colorado in the past four months . . .”

“Hey, baby doll, what’s up?” Garcia kept her voice level, calm, and, she hoped, completely normal as Reid came right into her office, slammed the door and nearly threw himself into his habitual chair against the wall, “Bad morning?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He was being surly. Garcia’s eyebrow went up and she had to mask the smile that threatened to spread across her face. He could be so cute sometimes. Surly was not one of the attitudes he took often, so when he did it was always fun to see. It was a bit like a little boy pouting because his best friend has gone to play with little Johnny down the road instead of staying to play with him. The mood wouldn’t last long, she knew. His moods never did, but still, she felt it her duty to pull him out of it as soon as possible.

“And now you’re lying. You really shouldn’t, sweet cheeks, it’s not becoming. So,” she spun around in her chair to face him completely, “Tell Mama what’s wrong.”

“It’s just . . . they’re all doing exactly what I didn’t want them to do, Garcia. I told everyone about the tumor early yesterday so that we could move past it as soon as possible. I didn’t want it to change anything until it had to. And now . . . they act like I’m going to break! I don’t need to think about this every minute of every day until . . .”

“Baby, just slow down for a minute,” she rolled her chair closer and put a hand to his, where it rested gripping his chair arm so hard his knuckles were almost white. He was seriously upset, she realized for the first time. She should have seen it before. “Just try to take this from their point of view for a moment. You’ve had all weekend to process. You just told them yesterday. They all love you. They’re trying to accept, they’re trying to do as you ask, you just need to be a little bit more understanding and give them some more time.”

“More time?” Reid scoffed, still a little angry, though he was coming down off of it rather quickly, “Time is one thing I’m not sure I have a lot of, Garcia.”

“I understand, babe, but you have to make allowances.”

“You seem to have accepted it just fine.”

“Yeah, but I know what it’s like to regret spending the last weeks of someone’s life sad all the time when it should be the best time they’ve ever had.”

“Who?” He could see the lasting regret in her eyes even as she could see that he needed to hear the story, to reassure him that she wouldn’t let it happen again. To let him know that it wouldn’t happen with him. She wouldn’t let it.

“My half brother was sixteen when he was diagnosed with Leukemia. He was always a fighter. He fought hard for a year and a half. It was difficult on him because he was so used to being so active. He played football, baseball, ran track. He was one of those all around sports kids. You know, the kind most people hate. But, it was impossible to hate Alexander. He was sweet, and kind. I know we tend to get very sentimental about people who have passed on and we forget that they had faults. Alexander did have his faults. He could be pig-headed and so very obnoxious, but not when it counted,” Reid turned his hand over so that she could take it in her own. There were tears in her eyes, but he had a feeling that she wouldn’t let them fall.

“I don’t think it’s forgetting someone had faults,” he said quietly, “I think it’s choosing to remember what we loved most about them. What happened?”

“All the weakness and the bed rest made him so angry and so depressed, but he wouldn’t give up. We were all there for the chemo, then the radiation treatment. Eight tense months later we got the good news. He’d battled it back. He was going to be okay.” She paused, but didn’t look away from him.

“But, he wasn’t?” He didn’t want to ask the question, but he could tell that she would need the prompting to continue. She gave him a sad, sweet smile.

“He was in remission for a year, seven months, and nine days. Then it came back, more powerful than ever. We did the rounds again, the treatments, and in the end he stopped responding. He told us that he was ready to just put it in God’s hands. So, we let him. But . . .” She paused for a moment when her voice broke and tears in her eyes finally started to fall. It would never stop hurting. She had accepted it long ago, “The doctors told us that he had a good chance at a year, a year and a half of decent health. Alexander tried to tell us that he wanted to live for as long as he could, but we couldn’t get past the fact that he was going to die. Our mom tried to pull us out of it, too, telling us all it was useless to mourn when he was right here still. But, we didn’t listen. We went around crying all the time, short with each other, we could barely look at him we were so depressed at the thought of losing him.” She paused again and reached for a tissue. She wiped her eyes and looked down. Even though she held fast to Reid’s hand, she didn’t look back up.

“He died five months later. Just gave up. I’ve always believed it was partly our fault. Like we didn’t allow him to live because we didn’t feel like we could live without him. After . . . after he was gone the only thing I could think was even during chemo and radiation when he was so sick he could barely move, he had been so full of life. And we had robbed him of it.”

“Garcia . . .” There was something rising in him, something that he didn’t want to face.

“No, baby. Let me finish, okay?” She looked up at him momentarily, then back down at her brightly painted nails.

“Okay,” he said quietly and nodded, trying to swallow around the tightness in his throat.

“So, after the funeral and all the condolences from neighbors and friends and roommates reminding me of just how full of life Alexander had been, I told myself that I would live every day to the fullest for him because he hadn’t and couldn’t. And now, baby, I’m gonna do the same for you. I’m not going to make the same mistake twice. If I have anything to say about it, you’re not gonna regret a thing and you’re going to be with us for as long as possible. I’m sure if you just give them a little more time the others will come to the same conclusion.”

There was silence for a few seconds until it was too much for him to bear, “Garcia . . .”

She looked up when she heard the crushing pain in his voice, only to see tears rolling down his cheeks as well, though she knew it wasn’t from her story. She was wondering when this would happen. She was glad it was sooner, rather than later, and that he trusted her enough to do it with her, though she wondered in a far corner of her mind why he hadn’t done it with JJ instead, “Oh, baby, come here.” She pulled him into her arms, forcefully, making them both slip out of their chairs until they were kneeling on the floor together, arms wrapped around each other.

“Garcia . . .” Her name was more of a plea. Yes, she mused, holding him closer, he had worked through the stages of acceptance readily. He had accepted it, but he hadn’t mourned it yet. As much as he had demanded that they all forget what he had told them, she had known that even he wouldn’t be able to do it without giving himself a mourning period. His would be shorter than others, his mind was so organized, but he still needed one. Alexander had been so determined that his had been short, too. She’d been there for that, too. That was it. She felt him tuck his face into her neck and couldn’t help the fact that her own sobs intensified. He was doing this with her because he saw her as a sister. There were some things you just couldn’t share with friends. She felt the same, she realized, holding onto him as he clung to her. Reid was more than friend. They had been through so much, they had been so casual with each other, always comfortable with each other because they each recognized something in the other that they needed. Reid needed family. She needed someone to love and protect the same way she had loved and protected Alexander. She was losing another brother, but this time she wouldn’t screw it up.

“Hold onto me, baby. Just hold onto me. I’m here. Let it all out. Come on. Let it out, baby.” She wasn’t really aware of her words as she held him and rocked. They were truly meaningless, comfort words, but she knew that he would just need to hear her voice, so she didn’t stop as she rocked his trembling form.

“I’m dying, Pen!”

“I know, honey bear.”

“Why me? Haven’t I been through enough?”

“Baby . . .”

“It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

“Oh, Reid. I know its not, sweetie. I know.”

She held him as his words became great, wracking sobs. When he was trembling so hard it seemed as if it would break his fragile frame in two she only held him tighter. Soon enough, as she knew was bound to happen, the sobs began to slow. Still she rocked. She rocked them both until all cries had turned to sniffles and they were beginning to realize they were over warm and sweaty in each others arms. But, there was none of the awkwardness she’d feared as he pulled away and reached his long arms out for the tissue box on her desk. They began to laugh as they tried to mop themselves up with the fragile things.

“Now you’ve gone and made me ruin my make-up,” she sighed, pulling a compact out of her purse and checking out the damage.

“Thanks, Penelope, for . . . uh . . . letting me . . . well . . .”

“Thank you, Reid,” she put a hand to his cheek, “For trusting me enough to let me.”

“I guess I better get back.”

“Yeah, I guess you better. Dying is no excuse for not doing your job, buddy.” She was relived that they could both laugh at the joke, “But, you might want to splash some water on your face first. You’re a mess.”

“Look who’s talking!”

“Yeah, but, I can cover it all up with new make-up. Last time I checked, you just weren’t that femme.”

He looked taken aback for a moment and she knew why. She smiled when he managed to get out, “You knew?”

“Honey, it’s not that hard to figure out. But, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone, though I think you should.”

“I’ll take it under serious consideration.”

He smiled that shy smile she had come to know and love as they stood and she opened the door to let him out.

“Good. Now, go wash your face and get back to work!”
Hotch chose not to mention anything, chose not to see the tear tracks as he approached Reid just as Garcia was closing her office door again. It was hard for him, but he chose to do as Reid asked, “Wheels up in thirty,” he commented.

“Where are we going?” Reid asked.

“Colorado,” he answered, and because he couldn’t completely forget, he gave Reid’s shoulder a squeeze as he passed, “And, Reid?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t miss presentation again.”

Then, Reid smiled and Hotch knew it had been the right thing to say.

“Yes, sir.”