Unexpected

Truths, forgiveness and beginnings



He barely moved a muscle, save for the shuddering sobs that wrack his body.

Eric isn't even sure Ryan knows it's Eric holding him. He doesn't really know which one he prefers; if Ryan does know it's him, that he is taking comfort from him; if not, he's going to be shoved off the bench, while simultaneously being punched in the face or a little further south.

Either way, Eric wasn't letting go of Ryan until Ryan told him too. He just sat there, gently carding his hands through Ryan's hair while rubbing his back. Forgetting all thoughts, Eric buried his nose into Ryan's coconut-smelling hair. Just for this moment, Eric basked in the knowledge of knowing the one he loved was safe, cocooned in his arms.

Way too soon Ryan started to calm down.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what ...." Eric could feel the exact moment Ryan realized it wasn't Marisol holding him. He started to struggle a bit but stopped abruptly when Eric kissed him on the forehead.

Taking advantage of Ryan's confusion, Eric pressed Ryan even closer to him and started talking.

"The first time I saw you was at a crime scene before you became a CSI. Actually, it was on July 27, 2000. Speed and I were processing a scene; a husband killed on the front lawn by his wife in a jealous rage. She had already confessed to doing it so it was a pretty straight forward case. Thank god. Anyway, I was taking pictures of the body and I looked up and standing on the edge of the perimeter was this young cop. I couldn't see his face because he was facing away from me but there was something about him that compelled me to ... to keep watching him. He had dark brown hair, not dark enough to seem black, just brown. Not one hair out of order. He was taking someone's testimony. He had a nice ass. I don't know if he felt me watching him or something but slowly he turned around and I got a chance to look at him. He was gorgeous; he had fair skin, nice body, perfect lips and the most mesmerizing green eyes I had ever seen."

Lifting Ryan's chin, Eric looked into said eyes and with a soft voice he confessed "It was you."

For a very obvious reason it startled Ryan.

Eric waited for Ryan to gather his thoughts a bit. When Ryan opened his mouth to make a comment, Eric went on. "Please let me explain everything and then you can ask questions, okay? I'm not lying. It's kind of funny, Speed wondered why I was 'drooling' as he put it. Had I known you knew each other, I would have asked him to introduce us."

Thinking about what Speed would have responded brought a smile and a tear to his eye. Eric could easily imagine what would have happened if he had said something. If Marisol was to be believed and Ryan and Speed were like brothers, he probably would have had 'The Big Brother- talk'. Eric is sure he would have had that talk from Speed. After all, he has had the opportunity to say to speech a few times. And seeing his profession, it makes 'the hiding your body'-part much more believable. He has some great memories of scaring Marisol’s boyfriends with that speech. Mentally Eric laughs. Ah the perks of being a brother!

Continuing what he had started with that soft voice, Eric said "I would have approached you but I was so scared. I didn't know if you went that way and you were a cop! Approaching a guy is hard enough, but a cop is worse. Gay cops are so far in the closet they could be in Narnia."

A smile!! Eric put it down as a personal achievement, Ryan didn't smile much. Eric wouldn't mind seeing it more often. Especially if he was the one who caused it.

Turning back to the matter at hand, "After Speed died, I became so angry. Angry with Speed because he didn't clean his gun, even after Dispo day; angry with Horatio because he didn't take it seriously, he didn't discuss it with Speed. And most of all, angry with myself. I wasn't there for him. We didn't discuss what happened that day. Just like Horatio I let it go, I thought getting shot would be enough incentive to get him to clean his fucking gun." Closing his eyes briefly, Eric willed the bitterness to disappear.

Looking down he met Ryan's gaze squarely. "And then you showed up. I'm not proud of it, but you were the one person I could vent all my frustration on. I couldn't do it to Horatio, Calleigh or Alexx because they also lost Speed. You were such an easy target; you were new, a little cocky, you hadn't befriended anyone so you couldn't go blabber on me but most of all, you were a constant reminder of the fact that Speed was gone and would never come back. And Ryan, I'm so very sorry. Sometimes common sense would show his head and I would hate myself even more because I could see how sad and lonely you were."

"And by the time I got my head out of my ass, I thought it was too late. I couldn't just be nice to you, you would find that weird. And I figured you would never want me anyway so why bother at all. Plus if we became friendly, it would make things difficult for me; having you close but not being able to touch you. Any questions so far?" Eric enquired.

******

Backing up a bit, without getting out of Eric's embrace completely Ryan thought things through. It felt a little like he was in the twilight zone. Ryan knew about being seen as ‘the replacement’, it’s was the other stuff that was unbelievable. Eric noticed him when he was still in patrol, before Speed died and he became a CSI? This was too good to be true.

Apparently not being about to form a word, Ryan just shook his head.

“About that night, the night you drove me home.”

Yep, Ryan knew it was too good to be true. Here it comes.

Stiffening and turning his head in preparation to what Eric was going to say, Ryan tried to put some distance between them.

Eric put his hands on Ryan’s cheek making him understand he wouldn’t let Ryan turn away from him.

“Ryan, I can’t imagine how much I must have hurt you that night. And I’m ashamed to say that I did it on purpose. I wanted to push you away and for that to work I said the most cruel things that I knew would strike home.”

Closing his eyes Ryan tried to reign in his emotions, he cried once in front of Eric already. Once too many. But the hearts desire and pain surpassed any thought of logic. Feeling Eric wipe the tears from his cheeks, Ryan opened his eyes to witness Eric’s own breakdown moment.

Eric was crying. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks and eyes full of sorrow and quite desperation held Ryan’s.

*****

Eric closed his eyes and rested his forehead to Ryan’s. Eric had to get this out, he was trying but his closed throat made it hard. Swallowing he tried again, finishing his confession with a strangled whisper.

“I’m so sorry Ryan. God I hope you can forgive me, I don’t know what I would do if you won’t.” Swallowing again. “I know that nothing I say can take back everything I did or said that hurt you, but Ryan if you give me the chance, I will make it up to you. I won’t let you down again Ryan. Please tell me I didn’t wreck everything, please ....”

Eric was stopped by a finger on his lips.

*****

Ryan had to stop him. Eric was working himself up, his breathing was getting laboured, his eyes were big and glazed and not in a pleasant way. He just couldn’t let Eric go on, even if Eric hurt him in the past. He wasn’t a cruel man, he just doesn’t have in him.

“Eric, breath. In and out. Yeah, that’s good, keep breathing.”

It was time for him to come clean, he owed it to Eric and to himself.

“It was our, both mine and Speed’s, dream to work together as CSI. He kept bugging me to let him recommend me to Horatio. Every time I refused. I felt like I wasn’t ready, even Speed mentoring me wasn’t enough. I wanted to do a good job, not a mediocre one but a good one. I know I couldn't be perfect because there are some things you have to learn on the field and with experience but I wanted to know more than the basics. So I held Speed back, a few days before he died I had given him the green light. You should have seen him, he was like a kid in a candy story, practically bouncing off the wall he was so excited. I think he had spoken to Horatio but I’m not sure, all I know was that when he died that dream died with him.”

“I’m sure you know your sister is a pain in the ass. She must have had some conversation with Speed because she just couldn’t, or wouldn’t I guess, let go of it, she kept pushing until I promised I would ask Yelina to put a good word for me.” Ryan had to smile thinking about that day, Marisol had threatened to hit him with a frying pan if he didn’t get his head out of his ass and ask for the job. She looked quite fierce, defiant and full of determination, like some Celtic warrior.

Seeing Eric tilting his head in curiosity, Ryan smiled slightly and continued.

“I was so sad and disappointed in the beginning; this wonderful people Speed had told me so much about were being cold, unapproachable and mean. I understood why, I would have acted no different if my friend and colleague had been replaced by some rookie who didn’t know anything. I was hurt and alone but I did understand. Slowly it started getting better, people started talking to me without that sarcasm they used before and I could get along with most of them. Or at least be professional. Except you, you kept reminding me I wasn’t ever going to be good enough. And even though I was sad and hurt, I saw you were hurting, that you hadn’t dealt with Speed’s death at all. I wanted us to help each other, but I knew you wouldn’t let me so I reacted the only way I could, by getting angry back. It wasn’t that hard really, seeing you with those girls was making me really jealous and giving me enough ammo to use against you.”

“As for that night, well all was said already. You did hurt me, you made me feel insignificant. Had those words come from someone else, it wouldn’t have hurt me as much but they came form you; the wonderful human being I respected and looked up to, whose opinion meant more to me than any other person that I know, even Horatio.”

Ryan didn’t have to see the pain in Eric’s eyes, even with his eyes closed it was etched on every line in Eric’s face.

*****

He was too late.

They say the truth will set you free. Eric didn’t feel free, he felt miserable. He didn’t deserve Ryan nor his forgiveness or friendship, much less his love.

Eric was so focused on his inner turmoil he almost missed the whispered words.

“I forgive you.”

Hearing that Eric’s eyes popped open. It didn’t make sense. Why was he being forgiven? He acted like such an ass. He must have said it out loud because Ryan started to snicker.

“Can’t argue that, you were an ass.” said Ryan while still smiling.

“For now just accept that you are forgiven. I know we still have a lot to discuss but we made major progress already; we know we don’t hate each other and that we secretly had the hots for each other. Let’s leave it at that for now and talk about it some more in the upcoming days? I will even let you cook me dinner.”

He was forgiven! He may not understand it, but he wasn’t going to question it further either. Answering one of Ryan’s mischievous smiles with one of his own, Eric said, “I would love to make you dinner! How about tomorrow night?” Feeling something brush his hair Eric swatted it away.

“Tomorrow works for me. I’ll bring the wine and dessert.”

That’s when he felt that something brushing his hair again. When both Ryan and him looked up, they saw the weirdest thing ever; the thing that was brushing Eric’s hair was mistletoe! Floating mistletoe!! What the hell?! Wait a minute. Was that mistletoe was hanging on a line? Following it, they found a grinning Marisol holding a fishing rod hanging so far out the window she would have fallen if her sisters hadn’t been holding her.

Ryan and Eric didn’t know what to say or how to react. Did they hear their conversation? Their very private conversation?! Somebody somewhere must really hate them.

“Querido? It’s tradition, you know you can’t neglect tradition.” Mama Delko called down.

This just sealed what Eric always thought; those meddlesome Delko women would be the death of him.

Turning back to Ryan, wanting his take on the situation, he found him wide eyed and as red as a tomato. Eric couldn’t stop thinking Ryan looked adorable blushing like crazy. Grinning, Eric followed his mother's advice and did what he had wanted to do for more than two years. Keeping a gentle hold of Ryan, Eric leaned closer until his lips met Ryan’s. Ryan’s lips were soft, warm and pliable under his. It wasn’t a kiss that inflamed there body’s with lust. No, it was soft gentle, a little hesitant but it portrayed so much of what they felt and hoped for the future. For them it was a beginning. A beginning to a wonderful life full of passion, tenderness,love and so much more. A beginning to what was always meant to be.

Finally they will start healing. Together.