Path of Forgiveness

CHAPTER EIGHT - BREAKING APART

I felt like I had been shot through the heart with an arrow. My voice cracked when I answered, “M-My name is Eve.”

“So I keep hearing,” Varia said, anger still written all over her face. “But that doesn’t change who you were. Everytime I look at you, all I see is you standing over me, decapitating my sister.”

Tears were in Varia’s eyes, and I could feel my own starting to mist over. What kind of monster am I? And why is my name Eve now? Did I think changing my name would change who I was? A name doesn’t change anything, if I truly was Livia, then why was everyone acting like they cared about me? I obviously didn’t care about anyone else.

“I...” I tried to speak, but words left me.

My breathing started to get ragged, and my heart started to race. I think I was starting to have a panic attack. I needed to get out of there, now. Xena and Gabrielle was right... I didn’t need to know. I put my hand over my chest to steady my heart, and a flicker of regret shot through Varia’s eyes. I couldn’t understand why, if I killed her sister and enslaved her tribe, why does she care at all about me? Why did she fight to save me from the Romans? She should have killed me long before now. There is nothing to regret from her.

The forest around me started to spin, and I started to feel nauseous. I was feeling light headed, this was an information overload and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what else to do but run... run far away.

My legs carried me fast to no where. I could hear Varia yell my name as I ran, but it didn’t stop me. The Amazon village was far behind me now, and I collapsed onto the ground as tears started to roll down my cheeks. I didn’t understand any of this. I didn’t feel like a murderer, how could I have done all those things? Why didn’t my mother stop me from doing all those things? I’ve heard the stories about her, and she’s like the poster girl for justice now, so how could she let her own daughter destroy the lives of others?

I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth as I sobbed. I didn’t want my memory back now, it’d be better if I just ran away and started over. I couldn’t understand how I could do any of those things, especially what I did to Varia. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt things for her, and I knew that it wasn’t right. After doing all those things to her, no wonder I never told her. Maybe I even denied or suppressed the feelings myself, but without my memory I could feel everything and it hurt so much worse.

I put my head in my hands and tried not to vomit. I needed to run, and I needed to run now.

*****

“Xena!” Varia burst through the door of the hut, to meet the surprised faces of Xena and Gabrielle. “Xena... Eve’s gone.”

“What?” Xena demanded, standing to full height, looking intimidating. “What did you do?” She demanded.

“I’m sorry, it was all my fault, she wanted to know who Livia was.” Varia looked down in shame.

“And you told her?” Xena asked in disbelief.

“She started yelling! I just... I didn’t know what to do, I snapped!”

A low growl fell from Xena’s lips as she stared down Varia. “You need to learn to keep your anger in check, Varia. Now because of you my daughter has run away, with no memory of herself other than her past as a murderer!”

“I’m sorry...”

“I don’t need your apology,” Xena said in a testy voice as she walked past Varia. “I’ll find her.”

Varia stepped forward, “I’ll go with you.”

Xena looked back, with a daring look on her face. “No, I think you’ve done enough damage for one day.”

*******

The rain started to fall, and I took shelter under a large tree. I had traveled a little while, trying to find somewhere to go, but I had yet to find a village nearby. I didn’t know the area, so it was hard. I just couldn’t be there anymore, surrounded by all those people who knew I was a murderer. I kept trying to remember, anything, even a small piece of my past, but I couldn’t. It was maddening. I felt like a slave to my own mind.

A crack of thunder echoed through the forest and the rain started to fall harder. Maybe I should go east, I hear there’s a land called Chin, no one would know me there, I would be free to start over. I just couldn’t understand, when I had my memory, even if I wasn’t this Livia of Rome anymore... how did I live with myself with what I had done? How could I be in that Amazon village, and look those women in the face knowing what I had done to their people?

“EVE!”

I heard my name being called from somewhere in the storm. Someone had followed me, was trying to find me... why?

“Eve?!”

The rain was falling harder, so I couldn’t see very well. I did however make out a figure that was fast approaching. Maybe it was Varia, here to avenge her tribe. I would take my death willingly, if I truly did all those things... I deserved it.

But it wasn’t Varia, it was Xena who was coming through the forest to find me. “Eve!” She ran over to me, and knelt by my side. “Eve I was so worried!”

I looked away from her, my eyes filled with pain. “Why?”

“Because you’re my daughter, and I love you, that’s why,” Xena said as she turned my head with her hand to look at me in the eyes.

“You love me so much that you let me grow up to become a murderer?!” I spat, rage boiling inside of me.

“I didn’t...”

“But you did! You raised me to be this way! How could you let that happen?!”

“Eve, sweetheart... I didn’t raise you,” Xena said to me, pain filling her eyes as well.

“So what? You left me in Rome on someone’s doorstep, was I that unwanted?!” I turned away from her, refusing to let her see the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes.

“I fought off the Olympian Gods for you as a child! I killed most of them when I finally found you again as an adult! Do you think I wanted that? I wanted to raise you, to have a normal life for you beyond the blood and the violence, but because of Ares I wasn’t there! I was frozen in an ice cave for twenty five years, and came back to see what you had become! Do you not think that it broke my heart to see you that way? Do you think I didn’t care?! I wanted to do right by you, and I failed!”

I was struck silent. That was why she barely looked ten years older than me. That was why I became who I was. The pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place, and I didn’t know what to say.

Xena took a deep breath and put her hand on my shoulder. “You’re not Livia. You’re Eve, my daughter, and the Messenger of Eli. Livia was your past, you’ve been working through that, you’ve dedicated your life to a way of peace, to make amends for your past through doing the right thing... that’s why I didn’t want to tell you who Livia was. I didn’t want you to go through the pain that you did before. I’ve seen you do this to yourself once before, and I’m not going to let you do it again.”

Tears started to fall from my eyes, “I’m sorry...” I said barely above a whisper. “I just couldn’t handle knowing that I killed so many innocent people, it doesn’t feel like something I would do.”

“You’re right,” Xena said to me as she wrapped her arms around my body. “Eve wouldn’t do that. Livia is dead, get her out of your mind. Yes, you did those things. I did a lot of unforgivable things in my past too, but it’s what we do in the rest of our lives to make up for it that counts in the end. You’re a good person now, remember that.”

I nodded as my tears continued to fall. I hated feeling like this. Maybe I did want my memory back after all, I seemed to know how to deal with my past better than I do now. I can’t do much good the way I’m acting right now.

Xena gave me a small smile and helped me off the ground. “Come on... let’s get back to the village.”

TBC....