The Mouse Calls...

Disclaimer: I don't own the boys or Disney
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Past child abuse, disturbing memories of abuse(be careful when reading. I tried to do it as tastefully as possible to explain what happened and to show the horror of what happened)
Pairing: Dean/Sam, Dean/others
Summary: Sam REALLY wants to talk

Okay. I've read through the ENTIRE series so I think I'm good enough to go on with this. I'm so picky about keeping things how they're supposed to be. Consistency is huge with me. LOL. So be nice if you find something I totally screwed up on.


Dinner had gone well and the boys had decided to just fall into bed after a silent watching of Cinderella. Sam couldn't help thinking 'Cinderella' was just too close to 'Cindy' and stared at Dean most of the time to see if he had a reaction.

Dean, on the other hand, was more upset to remember how many times Cindy had called herself his fairy godmother. How, at 14 years old, she had supposedly made his dreams come true.

Dean just sat and watched as John took off to buy Sam some more new clothes while Dean picked at the hole in the knee of his jeans. He wasn't jealous. He was as determined as John was to make sure Sammy had the best things possible. He was just upset he wasn't allowed to go. He hated Cindy.

The object of his hatred walked in and smiled. She pulled a cigarette out of her pack and lit it, enjoying a long drag before handing it to Dean.

He just shook his head. "I don't smoke."

"No? I figured all boys your age did. It's been such a long time and...now that you're a man..." she smirked.

"I'm old enough...."

"I mean Jason...he called me. He told me the two of you had some fun."

Dean jumped up, his hands balled into fists. "He's a liar!"

"Is he? I thought you would never let a man take your ass like that, Dean."

Dean was furious. The fat, bald man had tried to get him like that, but fate hadn't allowed it to get far enough for him to start calling people to brag about it. "I didn't."

"Then tell me what happened. I mean you and me...we never did that much at all."

Dean swallowed down the urge to vomit. Sucking on her large breasts, letting her touch him between his legs while he did the same seemed more than enough to register as more than 'not that much'. "Whatever."

"I know you're good at jerking guys off. I know you're good at getting blown. I won't do that to you, though. You're not good enough, are you? You taste like shit and I never do anything without getting something in return."

Dean wondered why he never realized how much she played him at that moment. She knew he was a normal teenage boy and that he'd want a blowjob like mad even if it was from her. He loved the feel of a mouth around him, but hated the person doing it to him. He couldn't stand looking at himself in the mirror. He enjoyed it and it made him sick. "I just want to read my book." He sat back down and picked up the book he'd discarded when Sammy had run to him to tell him about the shopping trip.

Cindy just plucked it out of his hands. "Don't be that way." She tossed it over onto an overstuffed chair. "Come with me." She walked out of the room and Dean just sat still. "Now!"

Dean got up, knowing there was no choice. They needed her to stay safe and to set up shop when things went crazy in their jobs. He couldn't screw things up for his dad or Sam.

He walked into her bedroom and let the breath hiss through his teeth at what he saw. Cindy had taken off her shirt and was lying back against her headboard, still smoking her cigarette. She patted the bed. "Sit down, lover."

Dean moved stiffly over to the bed and sat down. His penis twitched with fear and anticipation. He was at the tender age where breasts were arousing to him and he cursed his age, gender, and anything else that made him susceptible to her. "They'll be home soon."

"No they won't. I told John I needed some errands run. They'll be gone for hours." She crooked her finger at him and he began to lavish attention on her breasts. Her moans and groans sickened him and made him lose his hard on, but he knew she wouldn't be finished until he slid his hand down her pants. He reached for the button of her shorts and she grabbed his hand. "Not yet." She stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray on her nightstand and sat up. "Relax." She pushed him down and pulled his pants down, slapping him across the face when he tried to resist. "Would you rather I teach Sam the things I know?"

Dean's eyes filled with tears then. "No."

"Good, now I was going to be nice and do this for you, but you can take your own clothes off."

Dean got up and took off his clothes quickly before lying back on the bed. The first sensation of her hand on him made him bite into his lip. The mixture of pleasure and shame never ceased to surprise and humiliate him. He was about to tell her to just let him pleasure her so he could get it over with, but her mouth descended on his cock.

He gasped, loving the sensation and hating it at the same time. He was so afraid to climax. Climaxing meant admitting what was happening was okay. He'd been told that so many times and he squeezed his eyes shut. Before he was finished, Cindy stopped. "What...what are you doing?"

Cindy just grinned and laid back. "Take off my shorts."

Dean frowned. That was new. Usually he just reached inside pants or under skirts, but he'd never just had her totally naked. He helped her out of her shorts and just stared. She wasn't wearing panties this time and she looked different from the pictures he'd seen of naked women. They were smooth and didn't have a lot of hair down there. She had more than he'd seen before, but it wasn't so much as to be a total turn off. He felt the ball knot in his stomach and drop straight to his crotch. He still had no idea whether to be upset or turned on.

She spread her legs. "I'm going to teach you how to really please a girl...."

Dean leaned between her knees, doing what she was telling him to do, but not knowing why. The thought of what she was telling him terrified him and he licked his lips in preparation for what she was expecting. He hadn't put his mouth on another guy's dick before. He managed to get out of it, but this was definitely something else.

"Do it!"

He shuddered and began to explore her with his mouth. The taste disturbed him, but didn't completely repel him like he thought. He worked hard to get her to buck and shudder underneath him and nearly suffocated him when she grabbed the back of his head and ground herself into his face. Her directions had started out coherently and then faded into grunts by the end.

He moved to get dressed and found himself grabbed and dragged back to the bed. "I'm not done."

"But...you're happy now so..." He winced as she began pulling on him and making him hard again. "You never...I mean not a lot..."

She leaned back again. "Fuck me."

His eyes widened. "What?" He scrambled off the bed. "No...no, we can't..." He found himself on his back before he could think straight with her straddling him.

"What's wrong? I thought you were ready to be a man."

He shook his head. He'd seen movies. He knew how special first times were. He couldn't allow it to be with her. Before he could explain, she lowered her body onto his and began to move.

The loss of his virginity to the bitch who had tormented him for years sliced through his heart and he began to sob. She just laughed and continued. "Give it a minute. You'll like it..."

He hated she was right. The sensation of warmth and wetness was better than he thought it would be and he began to move with her.

Soon his sobs were mixed with moans of pleasure and he watched as she began to shudder. Just as she cried out he felt himself climax. His sobs took over again and he just curled up when she got off of him.

"Knock it off. Get dressed. And if you don't act like you love it next time I'll make sure Sam learns to like it a lot more than he likes you."

Dean watched her get dressed and walk out and then slowly began to get dressed. He hated her and he hated himself. It was worse than the time he thought he found a nice guy in Patrick and he taught him how to 'swim'. The lessons had only been half swimming and the other half was fondling. He went into the shower and stayed there until the hot water was gone and he was frozen solid. Then he went into the bedroom and sat there in a daze, wanting to melt into the floor and ignore the chatter of his just arrived younger brother who was showing him all of the clothes he'd gotten that day.

"Dean...Dean....Dean...look at these...Dean...."

"Dean...Dean!"

Dean jumped and looked at the TV. Cinderella had just freed herself from the room in the attic and was coming down the stairs.

"What is it?"

"Dude...you totally blanked on me!"

"Oh...sorry, I was thinking."

Sam frowned and felt the need to dive in head first. "About Cindy?"

Dean's eyes widened and he stood up. "What are you talking about? Why would I think of her? We haven't seen her in years."

"I've been remembering things, Dean."

Guilt assaulted him so strongly that he couldn't stand it. "Stop. I can't talk about this. I can't deal with this now. I'm sorry. I know you needed me. I'm sorry."

Sam furrowed his brow. "Um...what are you talking about?"

Dean just stared at Sam. "What are you talking about?"

Sam leaned back on his elbows and studied Dean. Okay, just do it. Just tell him. Get it out. He won't leave. He'll just know that I know and then we can face this. He chose to start slow. "Who's Robby?"

"Robby?"

"Yeah, you talked about him in your sleep when we were snowed in that one time. I want to know who it was. I'm tired of having you hide things from me. It just makes me think the worst. I know there was nobody by that name in 'The Network' so who was it."

Dean winced when Sam mentioned 'The Network' but figured Robby might be safer to discuss then the other things bothering him. "Robby was a friend of mine when I was little. Before mom died..."

Sam nodded. "I figured. Tell me what he did to hurt you."

Dean sat back down on the bed. "It's dumb."

"Nothing about you hurting is dumb, Dean. Talk to me. I don't deserve to have you trust me, but we can't get better from everything until..."

Dean put his hand to Sam's mouth. "That's over. I forgive you for all of that. The asylum...Christmas...all of it."

Sam grasped Dean's hand and kissed the palm before pulling his hand away. "Then just talk to me. Please, Dean. Silence has only been proven to make things worse."

Dean nodded. "I spent the night at Robby's house before mom died...when she was pregnant with you and...I told him a secret."

Sam leaned forward in interest. Whatever Dean was about to tell him had nothing to do with Cindy since they hadn't met her yet. "You had secrets at that age?"

"Yeah, dumbass. I'm advanced." Dean sighed. "If you laugh I'll kick your ass."

"Okay, spill..."

"I wet the bed."

Sam was expecting a lot of things, but not that. "That's it?"

"He told me my mom wouldn't want me anymore because I did that. He told me since she was having a baby that she wouldn't want to change diapers for two. I had hidden it from her for so long and continued to do so. The night before she died...she found out. I was stripping my bed and she came in. She told me she had known all along and it hurt her that I didn't trust her to tell her. I had hurt her, Sammy. I was trying so hard not to and I hurt her anyway."

Sam just nodded. He knew what Dean was feeling since he found himself in the same quandry constantly. "Was she mad?"

"No. I told her my fears and she held me and sang to me and loved me and told me she loved me no matter what and she'd never leave me. She made it better. All that time of being scared and ashamed and she made it better. I knew things would finally be happy for me and then..." He swallowed hard and got up again, walking away from the bed.

"...and then she died, right, Dean? And your young mind thought that was why?" He stood as well and walked over to wrap his arms around Dean from behind. "Shit...I forget sometimes how innocent you were when she was taken from us. I grew up in this life and you...you had your innocence totally ripped away from you. You got to enjoy being a kid just long enough for you to miss it." He leaned forward and kissed Dean's neck quickly and then let him go. "But there's more..."

"I can't, Sammy...I can't do this."

"Then I will. I want to talk about something from when I was a kid. I want to talk about being abused."

Dean pulled in a deep breath. "You were abused?" He had dreaded finding out, but knew he had to hear it.

"Yeah, I was. Do you want to hear this because I need to tell it."

Dean turned around and just nodded.

Sam sat down again and motioned for Dean to do the same. Once he was settled, Sam cleared his throat. "Once was by a guy named Patrick."

Dean tensed. He had thought he'd spared Sam from those 'swimming' lessons.

"Once was by a guy named Jason."

Dean closed his eyes as he remembered how rough that man had been. He wanted desperately to know how far he'd gotten with Sam.

"And there were lots and lots of times by Cindy."

Dean's eyes snapped open. He'd done so much to make sure Sam was never touched by that bitch and now he knew he had failed. "Sammy...I'm so sorry. What...what did they do to you?"

"Patrick rubbed my back and then held me down."

Dean nodded, firmly in big brother protector/comforter mode. "And then what?"

"That's it."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, because then you came in and let yourself be molested by him."

Dean choked breath into his lungs. "Sammy...."

"I saw it. I saw what he did to you and you know it. You saw me watching you."

"You were so young...I didn't think you'd remember...I didn't remember...I didn't think..."

"I was glad." Sam stopped then, silenced by his own tears running down his face. "God help me. I saw you crying and I was glad because I thought that meant you could never tease me again. I'm so sorry..." Dean reached for him, wanting to make him feel better, but Sam held up a hand. "Don't...I'm not finished."

Dean dropped his hand. "Get it all out, Sammy. It's okay." He was trying to deal with the feelings coursing through him, but knew that Sam really wanted to clear the air.

"You saved me, Dean. I went out to tell Dad and he didn't understand and I dropped it. I never made him realize...You saved me and I failed you."

"No, you didn't. Please..."

"Just listen...Cindy was one of the worst. She actually forced me to stay in the room while she touched you...didn't she? I heard you making noises. I know you were in pain."

Dean just nodded, not able to form words.

"And then there was the time we went shopping and I came and showed you all of my clothes and you...you looked dead inside. I never knew why. I'm hoping before the night is over you'll tell me."

Dean nodded once more, hating how much Sammy knew.

"Little things reminded me of this. It's recent memories for me and I'm thinking they're recent for you, too....to a point. Mostly I think you remembered, but you didn't let yourself feel anything about what happened. Is that right?"

Dean looked into Sam's eyes and nodded once before wiping a tear away as it slid down his cheek.

"And Jason..."

Dean stood up then. "I can't, Sam."

"Yes, you can. I love you. I'm not leaving you. I'm tired of you holding all of this in. Dammit, Dean. You were molested by adults we were supposed to be able to trust. Answer me...did they rape you?"

Dean choked back a sob and nodded. "Cindy did."

"Nobody else?"

"No, you made sure of that."

Sam frowned. "Me?"

Dean nodded. "Jason only tried it once. Then Cindy succeeded where he had failed and then...then I found a way to make sure it never happened again. Cindy only raped me once and then she never got close enough to touch me again unless I let her. She hated me for not 'enjoying' her. And I began fighting back so they'd have to leave bruises. I didn't fall for their threats anymore."

"You were fourteen, weren't you? I remember we suddenly stopped being welcomed as much by 'The Network' at that time. It was rare."

"When we were desperate I allowed it so you and dad would be safe."

"Oh God, Dean..."

"I whored myself out after that one time, but it was my call."

"It was still rape...molestation...whatever you want to call it. You were a kid and you were coerced."

Dean shrugged. "You were safe. Everything else just didn't matter to me." He suddenly looked scared. "What did Jason do to you?"

Sam tried to digest the information. It was worse than he had feared, but he knew there was more. "He...uh..." Sam tried to find his voice. The pain of what happened to his brother made speaking so difficult. "He hit me. I thought that's why we weren't allowed back often."

"He hit you? When?"

"You were in the shower. Dad and I were back from shopping and he hit me and told me he had tried to fix a light in our room and had fallen on a bed. I guess I put a dagger there and he cut himself. He was pissed."

"I remember that..."

"Yeah, well dad punched him and told him never to touch his son and then we left."

Dean bit his lip thinking about that. He wondered if his father would have done that for him if he'd told him what happened instead of trying to protect everyone.

Sam knew the thought going through Dean's mind and it hurt him more than he could admit without falling apart. He got comfortable. "Tell me about Jason."

Dean sighed and began the story.

Sam and John had run out to the grocery store while Dean chose to catch up on some sleep. At fourteen he shouldn't be driving, but he'd learned young enough to be able to take over when his dad needed a break. Now he was exhausted and needing at least a few hours of sleep before they were on the move again.

He wasn't worried about Jason. He liked to get jerked off, but that was about it. And at the moment he was at work so Dean figured he didn't have to think about it.

About five minutes later he found out how wrong he was. Jason stomped into the bedroom Dean was in and yanked him up for a deep kiss. He shoved his tongue into his mouth and Dean had nearly gagged. The man was bald and very large and strong. The size scared Dean and he froze. When he found himself thrown to his knees it took him a minute to register what was happening.

Jason had taken his penis out and was shoving it against Dean's mouth. As soon as Dean opened his mouth, Jason shoved himself inside and began fucking Dean's face. Dean just sat there and cried, grateful it didn't last long and Jason pulled out. He was still hard so Dean began to reach for him, but Jason threw him over the bed. His pants were pulled down and Dean started to struggle. He wasn't stupid. He had a feeling what might be coming next. Patrick had made him do things to him and Dean didn't want any fingers up his ass.

"Jason, stop!"

Before he knew what had happened, Jason had shoved his two thumbs into Dean and pulled him apart. Dean screamed. He had known Patrick liked the sensation, but he didn't know why. The pain he was feeling nearly made him pass out.

Jason leaned forward. "I'm going to shove my cock up in there, boy. You're going to take it like the bitch you are, too."

Dean panicked. He hadn't thought of sticking that up there and he began searching for something, anything, to save him. His hands roamed over the bed and then he felt it twisted in the sheets. He had scolded Sam so many times not to leave things carelessly lying around, but this time he was grateful. They had thrown their things into the room and then Sam and John had taken off. But Sam had taken off the dagger Dean had let him borrow for the trip since he couldn't take a weapon to the store. He'd discarded it on Dean's bed. Dean didn't have time to think how stupid Sam had been. If Dean had landed hard on the bed, he could have stabbed himself to death. Right now, Dean was very glad Sam was so careless and gripped the handle. He sent it backward, stabbing Jason in his beefy arm just as he felt himself being pulled wider and something hard trying to push into him.

Jason yelped and stumbled backward. Dean kept a hold of the knife and just started swinging. Jason held his pants up with one hand while holding his other out to ward off any blows and backed out of the room.

Dean slammed the door and stood there shaking, with blood glistening on the knife and blood dribbling down his leg.

"Then I took a shower and then dad knocked and told me we were leaving and..that's it."

Sam tried to find his breath. He had never wanted to kill someone so slowly before, but he was hoping he'd have his chance one day. Be there for Dean right now. Pull it together. He cleared his throat. "I never found that dagger. Jason said he threw it out."

"I kept it. I still keep it."

"The one under your pillow? That was..."

Dean nodded. "You saved me and when I get scared and clasp that handle...you still do."

Sam thought back over the story Dean had told him. He flashed back to their first time togehter. He'd done exactly what Jason had done. No wonder Dean had begun to cry and Sam had needed to back off. He asked Dean if that was what happened.

Dean nodded. "For a moment I was transported back to that. I think that's what started the nightmares."

"I'm so sorry."

"You didn't know. Hell...I didn't know. I'd forced it so far back in my mind."

Sam couldn't stand it anymore and stood up, walked over to Dean and placed his hands on his older brother's shoulders. "You're sensitive because Jason ripped you up, didn't he? It's scar tissue there, now, right?"

Dean just nodded. "I guess that would make sense."

"So you weren't a virgin with me..."

"Yeah, I was. Jason tried, but like I said..he didn't get to and I never let anyone do that to me. You're the only one, Sammy. I swear." His eyes filled with tears and Sam leaned forward and kissed both eyelids.

"Dean, that doesn't matter to me. I wouldn't have cared. You're beautiful and special and I love you."

"I'm dirty."

"No. I don't want to hear you say that. They're dirty and filthy and you could have let that touch you...consume you...but you didn't. You were stronger than they were."

"I never gave anyone a blowjob until you, Sammy. I mean it. Yeah, Jason basically raped my face, but I never took part in anything like that with anyone but you. I love you and I'm just..." He shrugged.

"Talk to me. Tell me what you need."

"I need..." He leaned in and rested his forehead on Sam's shoulder.

Sam wrapped his arms around Dean and held him close, softly rubbing his back.

"Hold me and don't let me go. Sam, make it go away."

Sam smiled as he remembered Dean saying that just the other night. "I guess you do tell me what you need. I just don't listen all the time."

Dean tilted his head up and captured Sam's lips in his. The kiss was soft and tender and Dean leaned away as Sam began wiping away his tears with his thumbs. "Make love to me, Sam. Show me how good all of this can be."

Sam shook his head. "Not right now. I'm going to hold you tonight and you're going to leave the dagger in the other room. Tonight I'm going to be all the protection you need and when you have a nightmare I'm going to wake you up and we're going to talk about it."

Dean sighed softly and nodded. "Okay, Sammy. We'll try it your way. No more hiding."

Sam kissed the corners of Dean's eyes. "It hurts me to realize how amazing you are. You're everything wonderful and pure and people took advantage. I want you to know something because I don't want us to ever have any more secrets, okay?"

"Okay, what is it?"

"I'm going to go back to the network. I'm going to kill them all. I don't want you to stop me. I just want you to let me do that. I need to do that, Dean."

Dean wanted to argue. He wanted to tell them they weren't worth it, but he wasn't sure how. "Sam, if you get caught...I'll lose you."

"Don't worry. I have a plan. Do you trust me?"

Dean nodded. "Always."

Sam led Dean to the bathroom and they quietly prepared for bed. Sam then walked into the back bedroom and turned down the bed while Dean put the Murphy bed up. He joined Sam in time to see Sam move the pillow hiding the dagger.

Dean walked forward and picked it up.

Sam smiled. "That dagger saved you."

"No, you did, remember? Just like you are now."

Dean placed the knife, sheathed within its new home, into the bottom of one of the dresser drawers and pulled off his clothes so he was only wearing his boxer briefs. He just looked at Sam and smiled a bit. "I feel so tired and so...not tired all at once."

"You've been through a lot. You're starting to heal from what happened. It's going to take a long time, Dean. I don't want you to think it's over. But you're not alone anymore."

Dean stepped forward and hugged Sam tight. He let more tears fall as Sam held him close.

"Shhh...it's okay, Dean. We're here to get your childhood back, but this time someone is going to protect you from all of the bad. I promise." He maneuvered Dean to the bed and gently tucked him in before taking off his own clothes down to his underwear. He crawled into bed on the other side once he put out the 'No Maid Service' sign on the door and pulled Dean to him.

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Sammy."

Sam continued to hold onto Dean until he was sure he was asleep. That's when Sam stared at the ceiling and began to cry. He held his fist to his mouth and drew blood before he managed to get all of the pain out that he could. He raged against everything that had ever hurt his brother. He raged against the fact he was unable to help him because he was too little. He thought of how Dean had trusted so many and been hurt for it. Finally he sobbed for their future and all the things they would go through before things were okay again for Dean.

Dean moaned then and snuggled closer to Sam. His hand curled into a fist and then released. The gesture repeated until Sam realized Dean was 'petting' him.

Sam removed his fist from his mouth and took Dean's hand and kissed it gently before holding it against his chest and whispered to his brother.

"I'm going to love you, Dean. I'm going to love you well enough to make up for what you didn't get as a kid."

He closed his eyes and hugged Dean tight, drifting off to sleep and hoping the night brought only good dreams for them both.

TBC....