Help Me Rhonda

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up In the morning when the day is new?

“O'Neill!” Jack thought he imagined it, but for a split second, in the ecstasy of release, it sounded just like the metallic, monochromatic tones of Thor calling his name. Even in the throes of a mind-altering orgasm that was a bit odd. “O'Neill!” There it was again. With a sinking feeling, and trying desperately to recover what little was left of his senses after the aforesaid climax, Jack cracked an eyelid.

“Fuck!” he swore.

“Jack?” Beneath him Sam was coming to the same conclusion as he. They'd been beamed, in flagrante delicto, onto an Asgaard ship. Without considering what he was doing, Jack put his big hand over Sam's mouth, effectively obscuring her face and shutting her up.

“Thor!” He was really angry.

“Yes, it is I, O'Neill,” the Supreme Commander of the Asgaard High Council said, coming down off the raised command deck, and walking over to stand where Jack could see him... and he could see both of them up close and personal.

“What did I tell you about beaming me places...”

“Is that sexual reproduction?” the little grey man interrupted, his voice perfectly without inflection. He leaned stiffly to the side and cocked his head looking and blinking at Jack and at Sam's legs, still hiked high on Jack's back.

“Thor!”

The Supreme Commander perambulated the couple, walking around them, staring at them from every angle. He seemed particularly interested in the rear view, which Jack was certain consisted of both of their asses, as well as his balls, which were now hanging loosely down. Jack tried to glare at their host threateningly, but it was just too difficult, especially since he was still buried to the hilt in Sam, and tiny ripples from her last orgasm were pulsing through them both. “Yes, I see,” Thor said. “Now I perceive why I had difficulty separating O'Neill's DNA from Samantha Carter's.” He rubbed a long, webbed finger on his chin, a gesture at once so human and yet oddly alien. “That is why I beamed both of you aboard,” he said, as if that explained everything.

“Well I hope you're enjoying my hairy, white ass,” Jack said sarcastically.

“I am not,” came a low and thoroughly recognizable rumble from somewhere out of Jack's line of sight.

“Teal'c?”

“It is I, O'Neill,” replied the Jaffa, and Jack's brother in arms.

Beneath him Sam gave a tiny, agitated whimper. Without thinking, Jack lifted his hand from her mouth and stroked her hair back soothingly.

“And it's not particularly hairy, either, Jack,” came the clipped and well-educated tones of another voice.

“Daniel,” Sam whispered in horror. In what felt like slow motion, she unhooked her ankles from behind Jack and lowered her feet to the floor, her knees still splayed obscenely.

“This is fuckin' ridiculous,” Jack barked. “Someone get us some blankets or BDUs or something!”

“Well we really weren't prepared for this ... uh... eventuality, Jack, and the Asgaard, as you know, don't wear clothes, so...”

“Daniel!” Jack bellowed, knowing that his friend was enjoying this situation way too much in his own perverse way.

“Please, guys,” Sam said piteously.

It was Teal'c, ever the gentleman, who saved the day and ended their torture. He placed folded BDUs, his and Daniel's spares, near them and quickly walked away. “We shall adjourn O'Neill,” he announced, his hand firmly cuffed around Daniel's upper arm, leading the archaeologist from the command center.

“Thanks T,” Jack said grimly to his friend's retreating back. Slowly, stiffly, he raised himself from Sam, offering her his hand to help her sit up. “You okay?” he asked.

“I'm... really embarrassed, but... yeah,” she said, nodding. “I'm okay.” They stood. “You?” she asked.

“Sure,” he said. “I could used a damp washcloth, but...” Thor materialized by his side, making Jack flinch. The little alien gestured toward them both, holding some kind of Asgaard towels in each hand.

“These cloths will enable you to clean and dry yourselves,” he said, his large black eyes inspecting their bodies. Jack took both offerings and handed one to Sam. The Asgaard Supreme Commander pointed to Jack's cock. “This enables you to participate in sexual reproduction?”

“Whoa!” Jack yelped, as Thor's finger got a little too close for comfort. He drew back. Blinking he turned to Sam.

“These secondary sexual characteristics,” he said, pointing, with unconscious closeness, to her breasts, “they are pleasing to you?” he asked, turning back to Jack.

“You have no idea, little buddy,” he sighed, looking longingly at Sam, before he collected himself. “Now, can you give us some privacy?” Thor nodded at him and turned away. “And then I expect you to tell me what was so freakin' important that you had to beam us up here like that.” Thor blinked and returned behind the bulkhead of consoles.

After using the Asgaard cloths, which worked surprisingly well, they sorted out the clothing dilemma. Daniel's BDUs were too short in both the legs and arms for Jack, so Sam used them. Teal'c's were adequately long, but too wide in chest, waist and leg for Jack's lean frame. When he'd zipped himself into the jumpsuit, Jack held the excess material out on either side of his waist and turned to her. “Does this make me look fat?” he asked, grinning.

Sam, Daniel's too long BDUs draped over wrists and feet, grinned back at him, rolling the sleeves. Before she could bend over to work on the pants legs, Jack was kneeling before her, cuffing. She put her hand on his head and ruffled his hair. “I could get used to this, General,” she said. Looking up at her, slightly surprised, a small self-satisfied smirk curled his lip, before he leaned in and nuzzled her crotch like a big dog.

“Me too,” he said. He pulled away from her, Teal'c and Daniel's voices becoming audible, as they returned. “There!” He slapped her calf. “You're done,” he said, admiring his handiwork. He stood stiffly. Visibly he straightened and resumed the mantle of command. “So what's this all about,” he said as the other members of SG1 came into view.

Sam, standing behind him, watched the transformation. No residual embarrassment. No apparent distractions. For a man who, under non-command circumstances, showed every indication of being afflicted with adult Attention Deficit Disorder, he was remarkably able to focus, when he needed to. This intensity, which she shared when it came to work, was one of the many things which attracted her to him... that and this back view, she thought, her eyes roaming his six. For no more than a second, Sam's mind and body relived the rush of feeling he engendered in her only a short while ago... his hard cock inside her, his mouth on hers, his hands on her breasts... and she shivered.

“That'll work, won't it, Carter?” he asked. Sam blinked. She'd completely missed the conversation he was having with Teal'c and Daniel, and now he wanted her opinion. She did what she usually did, when caught daydreaming about him. She nodded briefly.

“I'll see what I can do, sir,” she said. Pulling herself together, she walked over to Daniel. “What do you have?” she asked, casually. Daniel, none the wiser, recited the details, catching her up to speed.

“The Asgaard found this artifact. It's Ancient technology. They think it might help them with their cloning problems, but they're unable to activate it, because they need someone with the Ancient gene... thus, they asked for Jack. Hammond send us...”

“General Hammond's involved?” Sam interrupted.

“Well, I wasn't gonna leave the SGC in just anybody's hands, now was I?” Jack responded. “George came in from Washington right before I left.”

Sam flushed. She wondered whether the former CO of the SGC knew why Jack had gone. She looked at him bright-eyed. “Does he know?” she asked softly.

“If he didn't before, he does now,” Daniel said. “Teal'c and I reported in while you were getting dressed.”

“Daniel!” Jack said sharply.

“Don't worry, Jack,” the archaeologist smiled. “I didn't tell him how we found you two. I just told him we did.” Daniel's eyebrows rose in an attempt to look innocent. Jack turned to Sam, reaching for her hand. He pulled her to his side.

“We'll figure this out, Sam,” he said quietly. She nodded, fixing her jaw, forcing herself away from the precipice of tears. “That's my girl,” he said, watching her pull herself together. Jack slapped his hands together and rubbed. “Now where's this thingie?” he asked.