Numb

A soft breeze blew through the trees surrounding the tiny secluded clearing in the dense forest that surrounded it, making the leaves move and revealing the incredibly blue sky above. Large, white cotton ball shaped clouds floated lazily by, drifting almost imperceptibly. The air was warm, not hot, not humid, just warm. The sound of birds filled the area, talking to one another as the day drifted slowly by.
Beside the clearing, an immense expanse of water rippled softly in the wind.
Luka smiled and took a deep cleansing breathe as he looked out across Lake Erie. He found the place by accident and had made frequent trips here alone over the past years. He couldn't believe his good fortune at the weather. Like the heavens had decided to grant it to him, a gift from God. He had been nervous about bringing anyone else to his spot in the past, not wanting to share it with anyone else. But as he looked over at the two tents set up beside his car, he knew it was now their spot. These were the only two people in the world he wanted to share this with.
The reason for his selfishness wasn't lost on him. He knew when he found the place that it was the closest place he would ever find to home in Chicago. It was like a little piece of Croatia, put here just for him.
The breeze picked up and blew atteattering of fallen leaves around in a swirl. Seconds later a small head emerged from one of the tents and Alex made his way to where Luka was sitting beside the lake.
" This is great. " he said, sitting down beside him.
" I'm glad you like it. " he smiled and put his arm around the young boy.
" I've never been camping before. " he said, quietly.
" Really ? " he asked, not believing him, but a second later he considered the young boys life and knew it was the truth. " Well, I'm glad I could be here for your first trip. Are you enjoying your birthday ? "
Alex looked up at him and smiled. " This has been the best birthday I've ever had. I'm having so much fun. I can't wait to go fishing. I've never done that either. "
Luka sighed and ruffled the boy's hair a bit. " I'm going to make sure you get to do all the things you've never gotten to do. " he told him.
" All the things Dad's do, you mean. " Alex frowned.
Luka watched him for a second. " Do you miss your Dad ? " he asked.
" I don't know my Dad. " he answered. " He's never around for very long. And when he is around all he wants to do is watch t.v. With his friends. "
Luka felt his jaw tense again. He was definitely going to have to have a talk with this Steve when and if he showed up again.
" Well, I'm here now and I can't replace your Dad but I can be your friend. " he said.
" I wish you were my Dad. " Alex said quietly.
Luka felt his chest jump and he couldn't help the smile that covered his face. He reached out and hugged Alex tightly.
Then he heard movement behind him and before he had a chance to move, he felt arms go around both of them.
Alex started and ed bed behind him. " Mom, " he sighed. " We are having a moment here. "
Sam laughed out loud and pulled her son into her arms. " I love you, kid. " she smiled.
" I love you, too, Mom. " Luka heard his muffled voice from Sam's chest.
He finally got himself free of her embrace and shrugged his shoulders.
" Can I go take a walk in the woods ? I won't go far. " he said.
" Sure. You want me to come along ? " Sam asked.
" Nah, you stay here and talk or whatever. I'll be fine. " he told her as he started to walk away.
She watched him until he disappeared in the trees.
" I wish you had been his father, too. " she said quietly, her voice far off and distant.
Luka felt his chest tighten at hearing her. " Really ? " he asked.
" He would have had an entirely different life if you had been his father. He might even have been happy once in a while. " she sighed, still staring out across the lake.
" I'm sure he's been happy. He seems pretty happy. " Luka shrugged.
" He was happy when he was little. All kids are I think. But as soon as he started to understand what was happening in the world around him, he just got so quiet and reserved. By the time he turned eight, I hardly ever saw him smile. " she confessed.
" I'm sure all kids go through something like that. " he commented, trying to make her feel better.
" Not like he did. I mean I tried everything I could to make him happy and it worked a couple of times, but it always wore off pretty quick and there he was frowning all the time again. I have seen him smile more since you've been around than I have in the last three years. " she finally turned to him and looked him in the eyes. " Thank you. "
Luka felt his breath catch in his throat. Emotion threatened to overwhelm him at her sincerity.
" You don't understand what it means to me that you let me try and make him smile. " he told her, taking her hand and kissing it gently.
" I think I do and that amazes me even more. I mean here I thought you were doing all this for us. I couldn't figure out why you wanted to do it, but that's the way it seems. But then I saw the look on your face when you were talking to Alex and I realize what you are getting out of this too. " she said,ing ing to put her feelings into words.
" Sam, " he sighed and pulled her against him. " It means more to me than I could tell you that you two are in my life now. I could never explain what that means to me. For the first time in years, I have a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. I have a reason to smile, really smile. I'm not just getting through the days to get them behind me anymore. I'm enjoying them. "
Sam nestled herself tighter into his embrace and he felt her sigh contentedly. " I love this place. Thank you for bringing us here. "
" You are the only other people I have ever shown this place to. I didn't want to share it with anyone else. " he told her.
" Why is that ? Is this a special place for you ? " she asked.
" It's the only place I've been to since I've been in America that reminds me of home. " he confessed.
" Really ? This is what Croatia is like ? "
" As close to it as I've been able to find. " he said, resting his chin on top of her head.
" Then I can see why you miss home so badly. " she answered. " I have to confess when Abby told me where you were from the day we met, I had no idea where Croatia was. I had to ask. I thought it was somewhere in South America. "
" You asked around about me the day we met ? " he asked, smiling.
" A little, Just Abby and Carter. " she said, smiling slyly. " Oh, yea and Frank and Jerry. "
" A little, huh ? " he prodded.
" Well, you are gorgeous. I had to find out if you were available. I couldn't believe that you were. I'm very surprised no one has scooped you up yet. "
Luka chuckled deep in his chest. " Many have tried. "
" I heard. I heard all about it, believe me. " she said, in her scolding voice.
" I might have gone a little nuts for a while thinking that the booze and the women could help me run away from things I didn't want to deal with. " he explained in an unsteady voice.
" The kind of things you don't want to talk about ? " she asked. " Or are there more dark skeletons in your closet. "
" There are a few. I have to admit. But these are my issues, Sam and I'm trying to work through them, I really am. Just give me some time. "
She turned in his arms and looked him in the eyes. " You can have all the time in the world and if you need me to help you, I'll be here. "
Luka felt his eyes beginning to burn at her words and blinked rapidly. " You are an amazing woman. " he whispered.
" And you are an amazing man. " she smiled as she leaned into him to kiss him softly.
" Luka, whatever you have to tell me is not going to change the way I feel about you, you know that, right ? " she asked.
Luka was startled for a second. " Sam, is that what you think this is about ? You think I did something terrible ? "
Sam looked at him in shock, she had obviously thought she had the whole situation figured out. " Well, I thought maybe that was why you couldn't tell me about it. I thought there was something in your past that you were ashamed of. " she stammered, completely thrown off guard.
He shifted her in his arms and looked her in eyes. " The thing in my past is something to painful for me to share with anyone right now. I deal with it by trying to push it as far away from me as possible. But there is no horrible crime or outrageous sin on my part. I do feel guilty but not in the way you are imagining. I promise you that is not what this is about. " he explained.
" I'm sorry. " she answered. " I guess I just jumped to conclusions. "
" Don't be sorry. " he told her. " I'm sorry I can't bring myself to talk about this yet. I'm sorry I can't open up to you like you want me to. "
" You have your reasons. I know that. I understand. I know enough for now. I'll get the whole story when your ready to share it. " she said, running her fingers through his hair.
" I'm working on it. I really am. " he assured her.
" I know. But God, you have my curiosity so peaked, I can barely keep it under control." She told him.
" I understand. Soon I promise. " he assured her.
Nightfall fell as leisurely as the day had passed. Stars began to twinkle one by one over the lake. Alex had spent almost an hour laying by the lake looking up into the sky while Luka pointed out all the constellations. After a dinner of freshly caught fish, he had gone to his tent and collapsed in exhaustion over the days events.
Sam had just peaked her head into his tent one last time to check on him.
At Alex's insistence that Luka snored, they had moved their tent to the other side of the clearing. Sam told Luka she suspected it was so they could have a little privacy and she loved her son for considering her feelings like he did. Luka laughed and it occurred to him once again what a special kid Alex was.
After putting another log on the campfire, Luka made his way inside the tent that he shared with Sam. She was already inside and waiting for him. The soft glow of a lantern turned on its lowest setting illuminated the small enclosure.
Sam was laying inside their sleeping bag, her face soft and peaceful in what he presumed was sleep.
Only after he shrugged off his pants and tee shirt, did he find out otherwise, when hands wrapped themselves around his shoulders and drew him down into the softness of their pallet.
" I've been waiting for you. " she whispered, as she pressed her nude body into his side and nuzzled his neck.
" If I had known that I would have moved faster. " he breathed as her hands began to roam the rigid muscles of his chest.
He let out a soft groan as her fingers brushed against his nipples and another when she began sucking on his earlobe.
" Sam, " he breathed, as she moved over him and lightly nipped the pulse point in his neck.
She brought her lips up to his and kissed him deeply, her tongue battling his. As she broke the kiss, he grabbed her to him again, not ready to let her go. His tongue pushed between her lips and she sucked it as hard as she could.
His hands moved to her breasts cupping them gently and letting his thumb drag across her already hard nipples.
" Did you know that I have never made love in a tent ? " she asked, as her tongue slithered down the side of his neck, making him gasp.
" Really, " he breathed unable to form anymore words as her tongue continued its trek down his chest, stopping at each nipple long enough to draw it into houthouth and suck it gently, before racking her teeth across it.
" My God, " he groaned, " Remind me to take you camping more often. "
She looked up at him and smiled. " It must be all the fresh air. "
" I don't care what it is just don't stop. " he answered, gral whl when her head fell back down to his chest.
She made tiny circles along his flesh with the tip of her tongue, stopping on occasion to nip and suck. His skin was on fire. His hands in tight fists at his sides as he let her devour him slowly.
He moaned and thrust his hips up at her when she skillfully skipped over the one part of him that wanted her attention more than any other.
" Not yet. " she whispered, as she pushed his hips back to the bed. " Now be still, I'm busy. "
Luka smiled and relaxed back into the pallet to enjoy the feel of her mouth on his flesh.
It seemed like hours passed as her hot mouth moved over his skin, exploring every inch of him. His chest heaved and his body ached with a need for her. She was taking him to a place he hadn't been to in years. The yearning for her was almost unbearable. She was driving him beyond needing her. Her mouth teased him with a skilled practiced. Her hands caressed him with such adoration. Every touch tugged another moan from him.
He has sure he had never been as hard before in his life.
Finally, she moved her head back up and rested it against his thigh. As her warm breath blew across his hardness, his hips plunged upward again and he caught her smile.
" Sam, please touch me. " he whispered, understanding he was now past the point of begging.
She reached out and cupped his tender sack in her hand and smiled again when he hissed through gritted teeth. Massaging him gently, her tongue finally came into contact with his throbbing flesh.
He nearly came undone at the first touch of her mouth. Before he knew what was happening he was completely engulfed between her warm moist lips. He fought against the urge to push himself further into her mouth. It was a fight he was losing as she began to slowly bob her head over him.
Seconds later, he grabbed her head to still her motions as he knew he could take no more.
He pulled her up to him by the shoulders and kissed her, softly at first then more forcefully. His hands moved once again to her breast and she was the one moaning as he broke away from her lips and took her nipple into his mouth.
He shifted her easily, neveeakieaking contact with her breast, so that she was now laying against the pallet and he was poised over her.
Then he proceeded to do the same thing to her. His mouth exploded every inch of her soft, heated skin. He made sure to leave nowhere untouched. He played with her skin, worshipping every inch of her with his teeth, his tongue, his hands. She arched her back into his probing mouth. Her hands tangled in his hair, holding him in the places that felt the best.
When he nestled his head between her thighs, she bit her hand to keep from screaming out as her body rocked and an orgasm overtook her.
He was inside her before it subsided and the feel of her still convulsing muscles was almost enough to end it for him as well. He started with short, shallow trusts, trying to draw out the experience for both of them as long as he could.
" Beautiful. " he whispered down at her as he entangled his fingers in her hair.
Her eyes fell shut and a feeling that he hadn't noticed before erupted from his chest. He desperately wanted to tell her that he loved her. That he never wanted to let her go. He held back, but only barely as the feelings started to overwhelm him.
He bent his head and kissed her. It was different from the kisses had had shared before. It was soft, tender, speaking volumes of the words they weren't ready to say. Making each other aware of the feelings they weren't ready to face.
Breaking the kiss reluctantly Sam moaned and let her head fall back against the pillow as her body began to shake again.
" Oh, God, " she groaned and grabbed to his shoulders, clinging desperately to him like he was a lifeline.
Luka sensed her need and it was contagious as he picked up the speed of his movements, almost breaking contact with her body before he plunged back in.
Her cries were barely contained as she arched against him and he felt her spasm around him. Seconds later he was their with her, thrusting wildly as he buried his head in her shoulder and cried out in release.
Chests heaving and sweat pouring off of them, they lay together, side by side barely touching, until Sam rolled against him, molded her body to his and lightly kissed his chest.
" You are so amazing. " he whispered, as his hand moved her hair from her face.
" So are you. " she breathed raggedly. " How is it possible that this just keeps getting better ? "
" I don't know, but I'm certainly not complaining. " he smiled. Yet something inside him knew that this time had been different. There was something screaming underneath the surface this time that they hadn't allowed their before. Or maybe they just hadn't felt it before. But it was there now and it was shouting at him. He tried his best to push it aside, because he knew he couldn't accept what he had just shared with another woman. Still he knew what it was.
Sam must have sensed the change in his mood and she held to him tighter. " Please, no. " she whispered against his chest, not meeting his eyes.
" No, what, Sam ? " he asked, confused by her plea.
" Please don't do go back into that place again where you won't let me in, not tonight. Let's just enjoy this. " she pleaded.
He looked down at her and brought her eyes up to meet his. " I'm not going anywhere. " he said, knowing he was lying but unable to hurt her by telling her he couldn't help it.
She seemed to accept his words and smiled at him.
" Good, just this once just stay with me till morning. We can deal with whatever it is you're feeling then. Just not tonight, unless you want to bring me with you to your dark place. " she offered.
" Oh, no . " he smiled. " Not tonight."
" Then just hold me. Don't let me go. " she whispered and he watched her eyelids became heavy and slid shut.
He still held her long after she had drifted off into a peaceful slumber. Her heart beat steadily against his side as he lay awake, staring at the ceiling of their tent and trying to keep the tears from falling from his eyes.
" Danijela, " he whispered into the sky. He had come to terms with the idea of betraying her with his body, but this time he was betraying her with his heart and the guilt that gripped him was almost unendurable. The rational part of his mind knew that what he was feeling was a good thing. It was time to move on. It was past time in fact. But the part of him that still loved his wife with all the ardor and passion he had while she was still alive screamed at him for his betrayal.
It was almost dawn when he finally let sleep overtake him.