The Family that Almost Was

My mother is beginning to talk to Xena as if she were a normal person. We all sit down to meals and have conversations and laugh. I have yet to see my father’s face since he left, it’s been days now with not even a word. I try not to think about it and just live in the peace of the moment.

The day is cold with a steady rain coming down, but it does not feel gloomy. Xena is playing with Eve in front of the fire, holding her up and blowing on her stomach eliciting a wave of giggles. Lila has gone, most likely to see her new sweetheart. Mother is sitting in her chair watching Xena.  I wonder if seeing Xena as a mother has changed her views? There is more to her then being a warrior, though I may be the only one who knows that.  Xena stands up with Eve in her arms, making a face as she looks at me.

‘Are babies supposed to smell this bad.’  I giggle a little as she walks off, talking to Eve as she goes. As soon as she leaves I turn back to my mother.

‘I appreciate what you and Lila are doing.’

‘Oh dear.’ She sighs. ‘I do see some good in her. I know, deep down, that you wouldn’t be with her if there wasn’t something, but I also know, in the end she will hurt you.’

What can I say to this?  The fact is Xena has hurt me, but I’m sure I’ve done the same to her. But we always come back to one another, through death and torment we refuse to be separated.  Maybe not everyone feels that kind of love, maybe my mother has never felt that.

‘Do you love dad?’ She looks at me surprised.

‘Of course.’

‘Would you fight an army just to see him?’  She thinks I’m crazy, I can tell.

‘Why would I have to do that?’ She’s trying to dismiss the question.

‘Just to see him one more time, would you battle your way through a contingent of soldiers?’ She doesn’t answer, but I know what it is. No, she wouldn’t. She’s still looking at me confused, unsure of where I’m going with this. I shift in my chair a little and lean forward.  ‘I would fight Hades himself to see Xena for just one minute, and she would do the same for me. If she dies, a part of me dies that I can never get back. I will spend eternity with her.’ My mother’s face drops, then she almost seems angry but doesn’t say a word.  She turns toward the fireplace, her back to me, stiff and unyielding.  She could never possibly understand, and I think it’s time I realized that.

 

 

The day turns silent yet again, the night bringing only the noise of crickets and owls. My mother actually never says a word after the conversation; she seemed to avoid all eye contact with me. I find myself lying back on the bed wondering if when we leave anything will have changed. I hear Eve make a few noises in her bassinet, then she goes quiet again. I get up and check on her, just in case.

‘There was someone once.’ Her voice startles me, causing me to jump. I turn towards my mother who stands at the door.

‘What?’

‘When I was young, there was a boy whom I loved with all my heart.’ I move closer to her as I see the pain of remembrance in her eyes. ‘I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.’

‘What happened?’ It’s obviously not my father, but my mother never spoke of anyone else before. I place a hand on her arm in an attempt to comfort her.

‘He drowned.’ She can’t seem to look up, the whole time staring down at her feet.

‘I’m sorry.’ I want to give her a hug, but her posture says she’s not finished.

‘I would have done anything to get him back. Part of me still mourns for him, and I wonder when I pass to the other side if it will be him or your father waiting for me.’ Finally she looks up, eyes wet with unshed tears. ‘I understand.’  Her voice gets softer. ‘I love you, and if you love Xena then so will I.’ I wrap her in a hug at a loss for words, tears coming to my own eyes.  All I hoped for was acceptance, for my mother to welcome both me and Xena with open arms.

I pull back, attempting to wipe away my tears.  My mother looks at me with a genuine smile, holding my hands in hers.

‘I love you Gabrielle.’ She reaches up touching my cheek, then turns and walks away.  I just stand there a moment, unsure if this truly happened.

‘Hey what’s wrong.’ Xena walks up, her head craned down to try and look in my eyes.  She begins to wipe the tears from my cheek. ‘Why are you crying?’

‘It’s happy tears Xena.’ I manage a smile, but she’s not convinced. I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling myself in close to her. Her chin rests on the top of my head. ‘Me and my mother I think have settled things between us.”

‘How do you mean?’

‘She understands.’ What more can I say, this alone speaks volumes.