Love is Suicide

A/N: Well, here we are! finally at the end! hope whoever's out there reading this has enjoyed! also hope you enjoy this nice epilogue, sort of fluffy but sort of not. you'll see what i mean.

Another year on and I am keeping up the mask of ‘coping well’. There have been incidents when me, Naboo and Bollo would be out and I would see something that reminds me of Vince and suddenly burst into tears… but otherwise, to Naboo and Bollo I appear to be coping well… Although I know that they had been keeping a very close eye on me – but now that nearly a year has passed, they’ve let their guard down a little – and I know that they have.

One day – specifically the anniversary of Vince’s death, that day of all days, my watchers should be especially cautious. But no.
I wake up knowing what day it is, and know what I have to do. I say to Naboo as I walk out of the door, “I’m going out for a while, I won’t be long. I’ll see you around five o’clock.” Naboo replies with “Don’t be too late back”.

I walk and walk, all the way to the other side of town, until I find myself at… the flat. Our flat. I hold a small silver key in my hands, and I step forwards and open the door. As I step in, painful memories come rushing back again as they had just under a year ago. I walk straight through to the bedroom, tears already running down my face. I sit down on Vince’s side of the bed and rummage through the bag I brought, holding Vince’s suit, the note and… a packet of extra strength painkillers. Holding the suit and the note carefully, I lie down on the bed - exactly where Vince lay a year ago - and swallow the entire pack, hiding them in a place no one was sure to look until it is too late – under the bedside table.

I lie calmly and peacefully as the pills begin to take effect. I close my eyes and embrace death. “Vince”, I mutter, sobbing with happiness. “I’m coming, sweetheart, I’m nearly here.” I feel blackness surrounding me and I think my last conscious thought. I’ve lost my fear of falling… I will be with you.
As I slip into blackness I have an impression of a familiar voice, speaking to me with a ghostly echo, “nearly there, Howard, my forever love. Soon be together again.”
Suddenly I see a flashing light, and instinctively… walk? Run? Move towards it… closer… closer… there!

I find myself somewhere, a place… blinding white all around, for as far as I can see. My eyes slowly get used to it and I turn in a circle, wondering where I am. Am I dead? Am I in a coma?
I remember something, a voice I heard on the way. Everything comes flooding back, and I spin around, looking for something familiar to break the monotony. Anything, a smell, a sound, maybe even him himself. Nothing. Tears begin to trickle down my face, and I sit down heavily.
So all this, I killed myself for him, and it turns out we could be in our own separate – where is this place? Limbo? Heaven or hell?
With a bitter smile, I think that maybe this was my own personal hell, trapped in a nothing space, deprived of the only one I ever wanted.
“Howard, you’re so stupid,” I berate myself for this. I know Vince would have wanted me to carry on, to find love again.

I sit for what feels like hours, though there doesn’t seem to be any time measurement in this place. I want Vince. Then as if echoing my thoughts, I hear a voice. Is it in my mind, or do I actually hear it?
“Howard… Howard… I need you, Howard, come and find me…”
I stand up suddenly and look around. I can’t work out where the voice is coming from, it seems to be coming from everywhere around me, including inside my mind.
I close my eyes. Right, Howard, choose a direction and go… I open my eyes and run in the direction I am looking in.

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I have run for what could be days, not knowing if I’m running the right way, or in the same direction all the time – all I know is that Vince calls more persistently, and suddenly more loudly – maybe that means I’m nearly there, or at least on the right track.

Unexpectedly I hit something in front of me, and, having had the wind knocked out of me, sit down to get my breath back. Then I gingerly stand up and feel in front of me until I meet resistance. I think it’s some kind of forcefield. I didn’t think this place ended. Then I see a shadow behind the forcefield, coming closer until the shadow becomes more defined and I can see the outline. Vince! Then the shadow gives and I see the whole person. I draw in a breath as my heart drops to my ankles.
“Vince! Vince… what are you doing behind there? Can you get out? I can’t get through, I don’t think…”
He cuts me off with a sad smile. “No. I can’t get through. I’ve tried; I started trying as soon as I knew you were here.”
Something of my puzzlement must show in my face, because he seems to answer my next question without me asking.
“Yeah, I called you. I said I needed help because I knew you’d run at me and I wondered if maybe you would be able to get through.”
“So,” I start, and then my voice breaks. I swallow painfully and carry on. “So, we’re separated? We can see and hear each other, but we can’t touch each other, hold each other?”
I stare at Vince, who stares back almost hungrily, through beautiful blue eyes misted with tears. Then silently I step forward, press my hand against the forcefield holding us apart. Vince stifles a sob and steps forward too, placing his smaller hand with its slender fingers against mine. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the cool touch of his skin on mine, his soft fingers touching against mine. But really, there’s a wall between us.

I can’t bear it any more. I choke and let tears fall freely down my face, while Vince looks desperate to come and comfort me. He presses his forehead to the wall, and I do the same. Anything to be close to him, to feel like we’re touching again.
We stand in the same position, hands on hands, faces on faces, always with that wall between us, never changing, always staring into each other’s eyes, for – how long? We lose count.
We don’t talk; words could not ever express the bitter sweet sorrow of the ending we have come to.

A/N:reviews are always welcome ^-^