Lost

Disclaimer: I don't own the Magnificent Seven, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Angst, Slash

Rating: FRT

A/N: tseena means wolf in Commanche and tenahp means man.
Spanish words:
como este= how are you?
mi hijo= my son
Bueno= good
Senora= Mrs.
Que= what?

Lost
Chapter 7


Unlike his previous flight, this time Vin took the time to gather a few things together. Driving back to his apartment in Purgatorio, he barely made it inside the building when he was waylaid by a small woman with deep brown eyes.

"Vincente como este mi hijo?" Senora Rosario questioned, her small hand on his arm, halting him in his tracks.

"Bueno senora," he politely replied. "I'm going on a little camping trip though so if you'll excuse me." Moving to step around her, he only managed to move a few inches, stopping as she moved to block him, staring up at him.

"You do not lie to me Vincente," she ordered. "I am not some stranger on the street for you to put off with simple pleasantries. You're friend, the one who likes the ladies, he came to look for you early..."

"We were supposed to meet up but..."

Grabbing his arm, she hustled him into her apartment, rapidly berating him in spanish. "He was worried for you, ah..ah, do not lie to me. What is happening mi hijo? Why do you try to fool me?"

Vin knew a losing battle when he saw one and with a heavy sigh he sank onto her couch, defeated. "It's complicated."

"Then uncomplicate it," she firmly ordered. Seeing his look of confusion, she sat beside him, holding his strong hand between her own. "Tell me about it, often talking will make a complicated thing more clear."

"I can't tell ya, it's..."

"Complicated," she completed the sentence for him. "You do not need to give me details if you don't wish to," she suggested, hoping to make it easier on him.

"I was at a friend's place last night, he did something that betrayed my trust," he quietly told her.

"He hurt you?"

"Yeah, but he didn't want to."

"Is this what he told you?" she bristled. She had known this young man for a while now and though he had never given her details, she had seen the pain of old hurts in his eyes. Pain that had faded as he grew closer to the men who had become his family. The thought that one of them had hurt him infuriated her, bringing the mother lioness within her to the surface as she prepared to defend her cub. "You know better than that Vincente," she gently chided. "There is nothing you could have done to deserve any hurt he gave you."

"It ain't like you're thinking senora, he was forced to hurt me by a man who was after revenge."

"Or is that the excuse he used?"

"No ma'am, it's the truth. We caught the man, but before he was arrested I heard them talking, heard the man taunt my friend about what he'd made him do."

"How is it he did this thing?"

"He had me in his gun sights, threatened to kill me if my friend didn't do as he was told," Vin explained.

"I see, this friend...it was the ladies man who was here this morning?"

Vin nodded, "I found out something else when we arrested the man that forced Buck to hurt me," he added, using his name now that she knew who had hurt him.

"Que?"

"Buck isn't as much of a ladies man as ya think," he paused, giving her a moment to process his words. Truthfully he wanted to be sure she could accept this news about Buck without condemning him, before he told her the rest.

"I can't fault his taste," she smiled softly.

"Ma'am?"

"He has fallen in love with you mi hijo?" she asked, though it sounded more like a statement.

"Yeah, he has."

"Do you welcome these feelings?"

"I don't know...I might've before, but now it's harder. I need time to sort out my feelings," he quietly said.

"Is he willing to give you time?"

"He is...I was gonna go up in the mountains for a couple of days."

"I will prepare you some burritos to take with you," she nodded thoughtfully. "You gather what you need, I will have them ready by the time you are ready."

"You ain't got to do that."

"I'm not offering because I have to, I am offering because I want to. You will not insult an old woman by refusing a gift, will you?"

Vin blushed, ducking his head, "No ma'am I wouldn't do that, where's this old woman you're talking about?"

It was Senora Rosario's turn to blush, "Thank you Vincente," kissing his cheek. "Now off with you," she shooed him on his way.

Chuckling, Vin left the apartment and headed for his own. Moving quickly through the rooms, he gathered a few camping supplies, a little food and most importantly some white sage for the meditation he sorely needed. Stopping off at the Rosario's he graciously accepted the burritos with a kiss to her wrinkled cheek. Outside, he climbed into his jeep and drove away from his building, his mind focused on his beloved mountains where he hoped to start healing.


Buck watched the scenery passing by as Chris drove him from the hospital to the ranch. He had barely spoken since Vin had left the warehouse. Mostly he had talked only to the doctor, answering his questions and arguing with him when he wanted to put him in the hospital. Finally Chris had stepped in and offered to take Buck to his place for the next two days, promising to keep a close eye on the man. The doctor hadn't liked it, but seeing that he was getting nowhere in convincing Buck to stay, he finally gave in and signed the release papers. Since then, Buck had been ignoring Chris' concerned glances and quiet questions. He jumped when a hand landed heavily on his shoulder, turning his head he shot a questioning look at his friend.

"I said we're here Buck," Chris repeated.

"Oh, okay," Buck acknowledged. Opening the door he climbed out of the truck and slowly walked inside the sprawling ranch house.

"You sure you're okay Buck?" Chris asked as he came in behind him.

Buck sighed, "Yeah Chris, I just need some rest and I can do that as easily here as I can at the hospital."

"You want to talk?"

"Talk? What do you want to talk about Chris?" Buck snapped. "Want to talk about how I may have ruined the team? Want to talk about there being no chance that Vin will ever want to be with me now? How about we talk about just how bad I screwed up?"

"Alright Buck let's talk about it," Chris fiercely agreed. "Tell me why you didn't find some way out of hurting Vin?"

"Goddamn it Chris I wanted to but..." Buck trailed off.

"There wasn't any way out, was there?"

"No, but I should've found..."

"Buck how were you supposed to find something that wasn't there?"

"I don't know," Buck miserably replied. "I love him Chris, how am I supposed to make this up to him?"

"Give him the space he needs, be his friend and let the rest come if it will."

"When did you get to be so smart?"

"Must've come from hanging out with Josiah," Chris smirked. "Go on and lay down Buck, I'll fix us a couple of steaks," he offered.

"Thanks Chris."


Vin parked his jeep in the same spot Chris had found it earlier that day. Looking up at the sky, he figured he could make it a third of the way before it was too dark to safely hike the rough terrain. Grabbing his pack from the back seat, he slung it on his back and started out. The peacefulness of the mountains soothed him like nothing else could. He was far from healing however, not even really begun, but as the old adage went, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. "Wonder where my journey will take me," he absently wondered as he treked up the mountain trail.

Soon the sky darkened as night approached and just as Vin had supposed, he was a third of the way up when he needed to stop. Seeing a nice camping spot , he quickly and efficiently set up his camp. By the time the veil of darkness had fallen, Vin was seated beside a small fire, using a small skillet to heat up the burritos Mrs. Rosario had provided. After finishing his small meal, he leaned back, supporting himself on his elbows, and watched the fire. Letting the dancing flames hypnotize him, he stared into their depths, his mind wandering at will over the landscape of his thoughts.

"Tenahp you are troubled."

Vin looked through the flames at the owl perched calmly on a large rock, staring at him with large, unblinking eyes. "I am brother owl," he calmly acknowledged.

"Guidance is sought."

"It is. Can you help brother owl?"

"Perhaps, but not tonight. Tonight you must allow your mind to rest, tomorrow will be soon enough to seek guidance."

"Will you lead me on my path?"

"I will be there young one, as will others...you must listen to the wisdom of your heart as well as the wisdom of the spirits. It is only when you join the two together that you will find the truth and healing you search for."

Vin blinked as the owl fluttered it's wings, shifting into the shape of a great wolf which then loped off into the darkness. Rubbing his eyes, he wondered if what he'd seen had been real or only a product of his own wishful thinking. Had one of his spirit animals truly communicated with him. Sighing, he decided that he would take the vision as the good omen it was meant to be. Thanking the spirits for their help, he spread out his bed roll and stretched out, he closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep.


He awoke with the sun. Sitting up, he took a few minutes to enjoy the colors painted across the sky by the rising sun. Fixing himself a quick breakfast, Vin was soon packed up, his fire doused, and back on the trail. By midday he was at the summit, setting up a new camp. This camp however, had one addition, a small, one man sweat lodge, intended only for temporary use. For the noon meal he fixed only a cup of mugwort tea, letting the warm liquid soothe his soul and relax him. Stripping his clothes off, he entered his sweat lodge, glad to see that the small fire in the center had heated the rocks surrounding it. Lowering himself to the ground, he sat in front of the rocks with his legs crossed. Throwing a handful of white sage onto the fire, he placed his hands on his knees, palms up and breathed deeply of the cleansing smoke. Chanting a prayer for guidance in Commanche, Vin steadily slowed his heart rate and breathing as he waited for an answer.

"You have been hurt," a wolf spoke from beside him.

"I have tseena. I know he didn't want to hurt me, he was forced."

"Yet this knowledge does not lessen the pain."

"It should," Vin insisted.

"Why?"

"Well cause I know he didn't want to do it, I mean it ain't right to be angry with him when he had no more choice than I did."

"Little brother, emotions are neither right or wrong, they simply are."

"Then it's okay that I'm mad at him?"

"It is a fact that you are angry, why do you seek my permission to experience what you feel?"

Vin considered this, letting the smoke of the sage cleanse him and transport him to the space he needed to be in. "I don't feel right about being angry because I know he is hurting too."

"Do you wish to heal him?"

"I guess so."

"You must first heal yourself little brother," tseena advised.

"How?"

"Relax, let yourself ride on the smoke, let it guide you where you need to go."

Doing as the wolf instructed, Vin took more deep breaths, letting himself move deeper into a meditative trance. Outside the lodge he heard a growl and a whine, standing up he stepped outside and saw two cheetahs circling each other. It was clear they were both male and aroused as they dance around each other, slowly getting closer. Suddenly the smaller cheetah moved away only to be pounced on by the larger animal. The larger of the two mounted the smaller, moving his hips in a motion as old as time, he took his pleasure of the smaller animal. Vin felt tears prickling his eyes as he watched, too shocked to move. It was only as the larger cheetah howled his release that Vin realized the smaller cat had released also, their pungent odors mixing as though they belonged together. Vin blinked, staring into the flames, he understood it had all been a vision, but what did it mean?

"You know what it means," a sleek cheetah whispered from across the flames.

"I felt pleasure too," he rasped the knowledge.

"This bothers you?"

"Of course it bothers me," Vin snapped, drawing a hiss from the cat. "Sorry, but shouldn't it bother me? He raped me, what kind of sick bastard am I that I got any enjoyment from it?"

"Did the vision teach you nothing?" the cheetah sneered.

"What do you mean?"

"Think tenahp," he snapped. "You must come to the answers, we can only guide you."

Vin nodded, "The vision was about natural reactions."

"Very good tenahp."

"The smaller cat couldn't help releasing, it was a normal reaction to the physical act."

"There is hope for you yet tenahp."

"Thank you," Vin smiled. He couldn't help thinking how much the cheetah sounded like Ezra, especially the condescending tone. He wondered how Ezra would react to that idea.

"There is more to the vision..."

"The bonds of brotherhood," Vin softly spoke. "Even though the cheetahs fought, they belonged together, they're family and nothing can change that."

"Yessss," the cheetah hissed.

"Alright so I don't need to feel guilty over any pleasure I received, I can accept that. I can accept that Buck is still part of my family and I wouldn't want to lose him, but what about the other?" The cheetah didn't answer, between one blink and the next, he disappeared. In his place an owl appeared, flying to Vin's shoulder, he perched there as though it were his right.

"The other?"

"He loves me, what do I do about that?"

"What do you wish to do?"

"I don't know," Vin replied.

"You have worn a series of masks young one, from the time of childhood you have felt the need to hide who you are. So deeply and often have you hidden your true self that even you sometimes do not know who you are. The men who are your family..."

"They ain't, I mean I think of them that way but they're not my blood."

"Hush tenahp," the owl admonished with a peck to the top of Vin's head. "You know better young one, family is more than blood and sometimes blood means less than nothing."

"You're right brother owl, I'm sorry."

"The men who are your family have allowed you to come out of hiding," the owl continued as though he'd never been interrupted. "Now because of the horrible event you experienced your instinct is driving you to hide again. Do not make this mistake little brother, slip off the masks you wear as well as those of others. It is only when you look beneath the masks that you will be able to find the person you are meant to be."

"If I slip off the masks will that help me figure out if I should give him a chance?"

"It will help you discover where your heart lies."

"How do I slip off his masks?"

"You know the way, close your eyes," the owl instructed as he hopped to a perch on top of Vin's head. "Relax and I will lead you through time and space that the truth may be revealed to you," he instructed, loudly flapping his wings.

Vin did as he was told. He could feel the wind rushing past him as he slipped through time and space, a myriad of scenes playing out before his eyes. Scenes that took him through his life, from infancy into old age, even to his deathbed. He saw all of the possible roads laid out before him, the many paths he could take, each ending in a different way. As he watched, he could feel the uncertainity growing. There were too many to choose from, how did he know which one was right.

"Choose," the owl whispered.

"Choose," the wolf and the cheetah added.

"How?" Vin asked.

"Use your keen sight to see the best path," the owl advised.

"Focus on what you want and the answer will come," the cheetah offered.

"Follow your instincts they will never let you down," the wolf growled.

Vin focused intently on the paths, amazingly as he focused he could see the masks covering the faces of the players on the paths. Letting his instincts guide him, he gasped when he realized that on one path the masks were missing from the men and women who traveled that distance. He knew then, these were the true selves of his family and this was the path he must take. "Thank you my brothers, my path is clear now."

"You are welcome little one, fly true on the path you travel," brother owl spoke, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"You are welcome little brother, be faitful to your instinct and it will be faithful to you," the wolf advised, fading into the mists.

"You're welcome tenahp, may your focus remain steady," the cheetah growled, running off through the wall of the lodge.


Opening his eyes, Vin smiled, a feeling of lightness surrounding him as he prepared to take the next step on his journey.

TBC.

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