Learning To Let Go

All Previous Disclaimers Apply. I do not own the song “Perhaps Love.” No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from the use of the lyrics.

Author’s Note: Kudos to anyone who can tell me who originally wrote and performed the song “Perhaps Love.” (Used at the end of the chapter.) As always, please be civil if you feel the need to flame. Please review if you have a few moments. It is always very much appreciated. Thanks so much!

“Emily, are you sure you’re okay? You sound really wack.”

“Really . . . wack?” Emily Prentiss almost smiled as she cocked her head and held the phone between her ear and shoulder so that she could slice a carrot to put in her dinner salad.

“Yeah, yeah. Shut up. I teach art, not English. You pick these things up working with kids all the time. But, seriously, Ems, you don’t sound good. Rachael, stop hitting your brother! Tyler, stop sticking your tongue out at your sister! Now, please, be quiet for ten minutes, I’m on the phone with Auntie Emily. What . . . No, you can’t tell her about your scab, Ty.”

Emily couldn’t help the half smile as she listened to her best friend, Carolina, rambling over the telephone.
She had met Carolina the first day of her first year at Yale. They had been assigned as roommates even though they had almost nothing in common. Emily came from a wealthy, privileged background, and even though she did deserve to be there, she had worked her ass off to be there, there had never been any concern as to how she was going to get there. Caro, too, had worked her ass off to get to Yale, but she and her parents had stressed for months how they were going to get her there. They were good, honest, hardworking people, they just didn’t make enough to help Caro out, no matter how proud they were of her. So, Caro had applied for all of the scholarships, grants, and loans that she could. The first day they met, Caro had hugged Emily close, despite how stiff she remained, and told her that they were going to be best friends. Emily had been terrified.

But, she had been right. They had spent four years as roommates. They complimented each other. She needed things ordered, Caro needed controlled chaos. She never did anything without thinking it through, sometimes for hours, Caro never planned anything. Most people found her cold while no one could say that Caro was anything less than open and bubbly. But, somehow, they helped each other to be what neither of them had ever thought they could be. With Caro, Emily knew she could be fun-loving, carefree, and wonderfully silly. With Emily, Carolina knew that she could be serious, studious, and otherwise a little stiff. They were never more themselves than when they were with each other. So, it was no surprise to Emily when, just after graduating with a degree in advanced chemistry, Caro had gone back to school again to get a teaching license so that she could teach high school art. It was expected when Caro flew out to celebrate Emily’s acceptance into the FBI with her. Just as it was expected when Emily flew out twice to be with Caro, once for her wedding, the other to stay with her while she got her feet back under her after the divorce. They had spent a great night getting drunk on wine and bashing men, Joshua in particular, then a horrible morning bemoaning the fact that neither of them were in college anymore and should have remembered it.

Caro was always the first person Emily called when something happened, good or bad. Caro did the same with her. It was a comfort, really, just to hear her voice. Emily could picture the scene perfectly. Caro would be in the kitchen, her feet bare, probably in a tank top and jeans, her beautiful, black, naturally tightly curled hair pulled back while still managing to explode around her face, a fact Emily had always envied. Rachael and Ty would be sitting at the bar, waiting for dinner. Rach would be writing in her little journal. Ty would be playing with his cars, such a little man’s man. Caro would be making dinner. It was another comfort that even though they were so far away- Caro and her kids lived in Florida- they could be doing the exact same thing.

“Em?”

Emily snapped out of her daydreaming at Caro’s concerned tone, “I’m here. Sorry. I spaced for a minute.”

“See, that’s a sure sign right there that something’s up. You never lose your concentration, Em, not over the phone. So, spill. What’s wrong? You know you can’t keep it from me. I’ll get it out of you.”

“Caro . . .”

“Fine. I’ll just have to guess. Yes or no, okay?”

Emily sighed, but knew that she couldn’t avoid it. Yes or no was a game she and Caro had played since their freshman year when they didn’t want to tell each other something out right. They only played the game when it was important. They could refuse the game if it was really nothing very detrimental. But, she knew that what she was keeping to herself was important, so there was no getting out of it, “Okay.”

“You’ve been getting along really well with the team for over a year, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, it’s nothing with the team?”

“Yes and no.”

“It’s something with the team, but not directly your problem?”

She said, “Yes.” She thought: Damn. Carolina was just too insightful and knew her too well.

“Morgan or Garcia?”

“No.”

“Hotch or Gideon?”

“No, Carolina.”

“JJ or Reid?”

“Yes.”

“JJ?”

“No.”

“Reid?”

“Yes.”

She heard the gasp on the other side of the line and winced. She knew what question was coming next. It was the question that always came next when it came to Reid. “He’s not using again?” There was nothing they kept from each other.

“No.” She could hear the pain in her own voice, feel it starting in her chest again, and set down her knife. She moved back so that she could sit on the floor. She was going to cry again, she knew it. She wished that
Caro could be here with her right now.

“But it’s something medical?”

“Yes,” her voice was barely a whisper.

“Okay, babe, game over. What is it?”

“He’s got a tumor, Caro.”

“Okay,” Caro was trying to keep her voice level, Emily could tell. It was one of the aspects Emily most loved about Caro. She was so very empathetic. She would hurt if she knew Emily was hurting. And Emily had told her so much about her team over the past couple of years that she almost felt as if she knew them as well. So, she would hurt for Reid, too, “Well, there are treatments. Catching it early is always a good thing. What’s Reid going to do?”

“Nothing.”

“What? I . . . I don’t understand, Ems.”

“It’s a brain tumor, Caro. I don’t really remember all of the details, but it’s too close to his brain stem and they can’t really do anything. Chemo won’t do anything . . . and . . .”

“Jesus,” Caro murmured, as always, effectively saying what Emily felt, “Okay. How long?”

“Not sure. He . . . just wants to go on like normal until he can’t anymore. He asked us to try to forget that he told us today. How am I supposed to do that, Caro?” There were tears in her eyes, burning, but they couldn’t seem to fall.

“I . . . Ems, I don’t . . . I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just . . . it hurts, you know? Like something deep in my chest. And I can’t breathe. And you expect it to go away, but it never does. He’s so young, Caro. And so innocent. Why does stuff like this happen to people like him? And in the field, too. Bad things happen to such good people. It doesn’t make any sense. I just don’t understand. And you know how much I hate not to understand.”

“Yeah, I know. But, you gotta be strong, sweetie. Reid needs you. And all those people you help. You get the bad men off the streets, sweetheart. Just keep telling yourself that. Do you want me to fly out? I have some vacation time. And Mama can watch the kids for a few days. I can be there tomorrow.”

“No,” Emily felt the first tear slip down her cheek, “No, Caro. Maybe . . . after . . .” Neither of them wanted to say after what.

“Okay,” Caro whispered, then really got into her element as a mother and as Emily’s best friend, “Now, go get in bed. I know you. Your head hurts. You’re not hungry. And you’re not gonna let yourself cry nearly enough. So, put the phone on speaker next to your pillow. I’ll sing you to sleep.”

Caro only sang her to sleep when she knew she really needed it. Emily was grateful. It always amazed her that despite her so very formal upbringing, she had managed to build herself a new family that meant everything in her new team and in Caro and her kids. Her body felt sore, stiff, from too much stress today, as she stood, turned off the oven and the kitchen light and made her way to her bedroom. She stripped down to her underwear, a little blinded by tears, her head hurting horribly from those she hadn’t and wouldn’t shed, and lay in the bed.

“Say goodnight to Auntie Emily, babies.” She was everlastingly grateful Caro put the kids on the phone. There was nothing like a child’s innocent love to make anyone feel just a little better.

“Goodnight, Aunt Emily. Sweet dreams.”

“Goodnight, Rach. Thank you, sweetheart.”

“I love you, Aunt Em.”

“I love you, too, Ty.”

“Ready, sweetie?”

“Yeah. Hey, Caro?”

“What is it, sweetie?”

“Thank you. I love you, despite the fact you’re a crazy bohemian.” She murmured the familiar, corny phrase as she put the phone next to her pillow.

“I love you, too, despite the fact you’re an uptight suit. And you’re welcome. I’ll hang up when I know you’re sleeping. And I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay.” She closed her eyes, a few more tears leaking out, and just caught the first few words of Caro’s song before her exhausted mind shut down completely in a deep dreamless sleep.

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm.
It exists to give you comfort. It is there to keep you warm.
And in those times of trouble, when you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home.