Within Me

Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Rape, violence, angst.
Summary: Sam and Dean get caught up in something they can't handle.


Sam stopped when he saw the picture of Bess on the floor in front of the door. He looked out of the window to see Mae on her knees in prayer. He was grateful the woman was there to help him if he needed it, but first he had to see his brother alone.

He walked slowly up the stairs and tried to wrap his mind around the change from day to night as he had been put back in control. He tried to hold onto the hope that somehow the incident had happened in the past and that he and Dean weren't hurt at all. That changed when he looked down at his own cock covered in his brother's blood and felt the slight throbbing of pain from taking Dean so rougly and without preparation.

He sank to the stairs and leaned against the railing, sobbing again. Dean...how could you have forgiven me? I know now why those men killed themselves. It was because of this. Because they loved someone so much and couldn't handle the guilt.

He could almost hear his brother telling him to shutup and he stood up. It wasn't the time to think of himself. Dean needed him. He cursed himself for wishing his brother was dead, but he was sure that Dean was thinking the same thing. He only hoped that Dean didn't help himself along.

He raced up the rest of the stairs with that thought and stopped outside of the room he had slept in the night before. He hurried to grab some sweats and pulled them on, along with a tee shirt, hoping that Dean would respond to him better if he was dressed.

Then he grabbed the soft blanket out of the linen closet and stood outside of the door to the master bedroom. He touched the door softly and closed his eyes before pushing it open. The silence made him dread opening his eyes, but he did.

He gasped at the sight of his brother lying naked on the bed. The smell of blood, sex, and urine filled his nostrils and he wanted to gag, but knew that he had caused this somehow so he just walked forward.

Dean's face was beaten badly, but he still managed to look peaceful. He reached out to touch him, but stopped himself and just held on to the blanket. "Dean?"

Dean didn't move for a moment and then slowly opened his eyes and stared at Sam. The slight tremble that went through his body made Sam want to drop to his knees and beg Dean to be okay, but he just stood very still.

Dean sucked his lips into his mouth to wet them and then took a breath, wincing at the pain before settling his focus back on Sam. "Are you okay?"

Sam laughed, certain he was on the edge of hysteria. He was staring at his bloodied and raped brother and the man was asking if he was okay. He didn't expect anything less if he really thought about it.

"Yeah. I'm okay. You don't look so good."

Dean just continued to look at his brother. "I don't feel so good."

"I can call an ambulance." He wanted to cover his brother up, but he also wanted to make himself look at what he had done so he just stood there in shock.

"No. Just help me up, Sammy."

"I don't think that's a good idea. You should stay still and-"

Dean's eyes filled with tears. "Please don't make me stay in this room, Sammy...Please..."

Sam felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. He tossed the blanket aside and slid his arm underneath Dean. At the scream that left Dean, he moved away. "What? What is it?" He thought back and then moaned at the blood on his arm. Dean's back was sliced up badly and he'd forgotten. He reached out his hands. "Take my hands and I'll pull you up."

Dean just shuddered and did as he was told with one hand. The other he held against him as if he were in a lot of pain. That brought back the memory that Barnabas had broken Dean's wrist at one point and again Sam tried not to gag.

Sam pulled Dean with one hand and saw Dean's look of anguish as the weight was placed on his bottom. Sam couldn't take it anymore and just ducked down and rolled his brother over his shoulder, keeping his hand firmly across his legs. "I got you..."

Sam wished he had some of that strength from earlier, but managed to get Dean into one of the large bathrooms that had a decent sized tub. "Can you hold yourself up by the sink?"

Dean nodded and proceeded to vomit into the sink while Sam filled the tub. Sam just tried not to cry at the sounds of his brother being so sick. He shut off the water and frowned at Dean. "Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Your wounds..."

"I don't care, Sammy. I just want to get cleaned off right now."

Sam winced at the ragged sound to Dean's voice. He could only imagine the bruises that would litter his body tomorrow, but for now he just did what his brother said. He helped Dean to the tub and bit into his lip at every whimper. When Dean sat down the sound was horrendous. Dean was in so much pain, but refused to scream. Instead the sound seemed more like the sounds of strangulation. Sam watched Dean try to get comfortable in vain and then ripped off his shirt that was covered in blood and urine. "Dean...let me help..."

Dean just laid his head on the side of the tub and nodded. "Sure, but only if you want."

Sam sighed and slipped his sweats off, grabbing a few washcloths before climbing in behind Dean. "Just lean to the side for now. I'm going to clean your back."

Dean laid there and let Sam tenderly cleanse the wounds.

Sam was pleased to see they weren't quite as bad as he thought. There would be no stitches and that was one thing that Dean hated. Something about sewing up pieces of his skin had always bothered Dean and Sam knew it was Dean's secret fear of needles, but had never teased him about it. "Dean, they're not too bad. You won't need any stitches." He smiled slightly as he felt Dean slump a bit in relief. He was shocked a moment later when Dean leaned back and gently let his back rest against Sam's chest.

"Sammy...I'm so sorry."

"What? Why are you sorry? You were...Dean...I raped you."

"No, Barnabas did."

"I tried to stop him. I swear. I never wanted..."

"Shhhh...Sam, stop treating me like the injured party here. Yeah, I was raped and beaten. I get it. I was there. But you were raped, too, so stop this with the guilt."

Sam noticed that Dean was starting to slur his words and closed his eyes, figuring Dean was exhausted. "How do you figure that I was raped?"

"Were you in control of your body?"

"No."

"Were you forced to have sex?"

"Well...yeah..."

"There you go...." He gasped softly. "Sammy...I think something's wrong...."

Sam's eyes snapped open and he wrapped his arms around Dean's chest. "Dean? What is it?" He scooted up and was horrified to see that the water was much redder than it should have been. "Oh God..." He pushed Dean over so that he was resting on the side again and jumped out of the tub. He hated doing it, but he pulled Dean up. "Come on...you have to help me."

Dean used his strength to hold himself up as Sam started going over his body with a towel, trying to see what he'd missed. That's when he saw the ribbons of blood and water running down his legs. "Dean..."

He grabbed a larger towel and wrapped it around his brother, pulling him out of the tub and down the hall to the bedroom Dean had liked. He yanked back the covers and put his brother in the bed, covering him up. Then he ran down the stairs with only a sheet around him and yanked open the front door to find Mae.

She jumped and looked up at him, taking in his attire. "Oh Lord..."

Sam just nodded. "We broke the spell, but..."

"Is he dead?"

Sam shook his head. "Not yet, but he's hurt bad from....from before...."

Mae frowned in confusion and then her eyes widened. "Barnabas...he took you over and..."

"Yeah."

"Oh Lord...you poor baby..."

Sam couldn't handle how nobody blamed him and ignored it for now. "I need a doctor now, Mae. Dean's bleeding bad and I don't know what to do and..." He stopped as a sob overtook him. He found himself wrapped up in the older woman's arms.

"You get upstairs with him and I'll run down and get Lawrence. He's a good man and he's patched up enough critters in his day."

"Critters? No...Mae, he need someone who's a doctor."

"Wounds are wounds, kiddo."

"I ripped his ass wide open."

Mae stopped at that and closed her eyes. "Sweet Jesus...alright...I know what to do. Stay put." She ran out the door and Sam just watched her, wondering what she was planning.

Sam climbed up the rest of the stairs and walked into Dean's room. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Dean?"

"Yeah..."

"I need you to stay with me, alright?"

"Where would I go?"

Sam tried to figure out how Dean could be so infuriating even when he was injured so badly. "You're bleeding a lot. I need you to stay awake, okay? Will you let me check you over?"

"I guess I don't have much of a choice."

Sam removed the towel from around his brother and frowned at the blood still flowing from the worst wound. "I'm going to get a washcloth." He ran out to the bathroom and pulled a white hand towel from the towel rod and came back in. "Well, it's bigger than a washcloth, but at least it's white so no dyes to irritate..."

"What are you going to do?" The sound of panic made it's way through to Sam.

"I just want to put this...Dean...."

Dean sighed. "Yeah..."

Sam tried not to cry as he wound the cloth up and placed it firmly between Dean's rounded cheeks. "Sorry."

"Stop saying that."

Sam covered Dean up again and went to the other side of the bed with the sheet still wrapped around him. He climbed in and faced Dean for the first time. The handsome man's face was beaten so badly, but he managed to still look beautiful to Sam. He reached out and touched Dean's forehead, one of the only places not marked.

Dean's eyes opened and he frowned. "What?"

"You look like shit."

"Thanks." His eyes narrowed at Sam's look. "Don't do it."

"I'm so sorry."

Dean sighed. "Get me some gum."

"Gum?"

"Yeah, I really don't want the taste of myself in my mouth all night."

Sam's eyes widened and he scrambled to his room and got some mints. He hurried back to the bed and popped one into Dean's mouth.

Dean grimaced. "Cinnamon?"

"It's the best..."

"Yeah, for a girl."

The two were just quiet and looked at each other. Even their breathing seemed to be in sync.

Dean grimaced once more. "Burns..."

"What does?"

"My throat."

"Yeah, I'm really-"

Dean's leg jerked once and his foot hit Sam's shin. "Shutup!"

"Ouch! Dammit...why won't you let me-"

He kicked him again. "Shutup..."

"I can't believe you're fucking kicking me when all I'm trying to do is comfort you!"

"Yeah, well...I'm complex."

Silence fell between them again and then Sam moved a bit closer. "You really don't see me as the enemy?"

Dean sighed. "You're my brother and I love you. I'll always love you. Everything else...we'll have to take that a hell of a lot slower now. I know it wasn't you, but he looked like you and it was your body and I'm going to have to come to terms with that. You will, too, as far as my body is concerned." He frowned. "Did he hurt you?"

Sam shrugged. "I'll be okay and I don't need to come to terms with anything. I know that I love you and I love everything about you and..."

"Sammy, you just don't know it yet, but everytime you try to touch me intimately you're going to think of what happened here tonight. You were victimized, too. Just give it some time."

"So what do we do?"

"We lie here and you keep me awake. Some things are still ours."

"Like what?"

"Like that kiss...that's ours. Hold onto that, okay?" His eyes started to drift shut.

"Dean? Stay awake!" He still had his hand resting on Dean's forehead and he was alarmed at how cool he felt.

"Don't forget to burn the bones..."

"Dean, we'll do it together! Please don't fall asleep..."

Dean made himself open his eyes and smile softly at Sam. "I love you so much. Don't...don't let me do this alone."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm trying not to let go, but it's hard. Just...hold me here, okay? You fight for me now. I trust you..." His eyes filled with tears once more and then he closed them, his breathing becoming shallow.

"Dean!" Sam moved quickly, wrapping his arms around Dean, not caring about wounds or blood and just held him tight. "I've got you, okay? I've got you." He didn't care that his tears were soaking both of their faces and he didn't care when the bedroom door opened.

Mae just stood there with her mouth hanging open. "Oh babies..." She rushed forward with the woman at her side, praying she wasn't too late.

TBC...