Acquired Knowledge

Day 6 San Francisco 1999
11:05pm
Grissom wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting on the floor of his hotel room. Time had stopped for him. It wasn’t until the hotel room telephone began to ring breaking the silence that he realized he was still on the floor.

He pulled himself up and walked toward offending noise. He debated answering it but he knew that it would only be reception; he had given the hotel strict instructions upon his arrival that they were to hold all calls to his room.

Grissom knew too well that his days off were constantly under threat of being ruined by a phone call from the lab, a bug infested body, or a high profile case always seemed to come up just as he was settling into his time off.

“Hello” Grissom said not recognising his own voice.

“Dr Grissom, this is Natalie from reception, I have a message for you from a Sara Sidle” She said in a cheery voice.

Grissom froze, he was afraid to speak Hearing no reply the young woman assumed he wanted her to continue.

“She wanted you to know, that she was going home and that you could find her there when you were ready” she finished speaking.

“Dr Grissom, are you there” She asked.

“Yes… Thank you” He said his voice sounding broken.

Grissom hung up the phone he sat on the bed. His thoughts were clouded and muddled. It was the alcohol; it was still playing havoc with his train of thought. He looked around the room, he saw the foil packet of the condom still on the floor were he had thrown it earlier.

His stomach turned at the thought of it. He ran to the bathroom emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He had consumed half a bottle of Jack Daniels in the bar and had eaten nothing all day but he knew the reason for his condition was the pain he had felt hearing her words.

“I don’t understand”

Her word’s echoed in his head, how could she not understand? How could she be that selfish? What does she think he would do? Welcome her into his arms. He left the bathroom and fell on the bed, his jacket slipped onto the floor he turned to look at the pile of material and noticed the scraps of paper and the envelope the receptionist had given him had fallen out of his pocket on to the floor.

He sat up and picked up the letter. He started at his name, Why should he read it? What could it possibly contain that would justify her behaviour? He was about to rip it up when he stopped, and looked at his name again.

The part of him that had been refusing to believe that she would hurt him so badly on purpose stopped him. He opened the envelope and began to read.
Gil,

I know that if you’re reading this that you still know deep down that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I wanted to explain all this in person, but I can’t find you. It’s tearing me apart that you’re thinking I betrayed you, or that I intentionally used you. Please understand I know what we have is special and I would never do anything to jeopardize it.

The message you heard this morning on my machine was my friend Dee, what she said about how you could help me get the job in the lab, she was joking and you misunderstood her. I knew that attending your lecture would give me an advantage over some of the other applicants, the fact that I had some knowledge in entomology would be a big help.

I never intended to have feelings for the lecturer; for you. I just wanted to have the seminar on my references for the application. Dee was just joking around with me. I’m sure that if she knew you were there or that we were are serious as we are, she would never have suggested it even as a joke.

I also know that you have questions about Ken. He was the crush I mentioned to you. Yes, I was infatuated with him for a while but the reality and the fantasy were completely different. I finished it as soon as I realized that he wasn’t the person I thought he was. My feelings for him never went beyond a crush.

I know that you came to the campus today and saw ken kiss me. He did ask me to try again, but I said NO I told him that what we had was fun, but that he wasn’t what I wanted.

I told him that I didn’t love him. It was never love really. I told him that I had met someone else. He asked me if I was sure and he kissed me. I told him that I was sorry and that I was touched, that he still felt that way, but the answer was still NO!!! I told Hannah how I felt about you and she was so happy for me. I told her I had fallen in love with you and that you make me happy.

I know that you aren’t thinking straight that your hurt and in pain, and I’m the last person you want to see right now, but please understand I love you Gil, and I don’t think I could take it if you left San Francisco like this and left what we have over a misunderstanding.

Last night was the most wonderful night of my life and I just want you to remember it, remember the passion we shared. If I hurt you I’m so sorry but please don’t throw away what we have, Gil please. I need you.

Love,

Sara.

Grissom folded the letter and put it back into the envelope. The feelings of pain, hurt and loss at her betrayal were gone. A new feeling had filled his heart, it spread through his body. It was there in front of him, she loved him. He read her words again, but this time not filled with anger or pain, but with the eyes of a lover. He for a moment was filled with a rush of happiness, she loved him
.
Then the reality of what he had done hit him. The guilt washed over him like a tidal wave crashing into his soul.

“What have I done” He said as he clenched the letter tightly in his hand.

He stood up and grabbed his jacket he would go to her. He would face what ever she had to say .Sara deserved a chance to confront him, a chance to call him a selfish bastard. Let her scream that he should have trusted her. He was sure she had heard them when she had come to his room. She would know what he had done.

He picked up his phone and turned it on. 24 missed calls flashed up on his screen all San Francisco numbers all Sara. The feeling of sadness he felt cut into his heart. He stood up and picked up his jacket ready to go to Sara. To beg her forgiveness.
Suddenly his phone sprang to life. He looked at the number. It was her.

“Grissom” His answered his automatic response kicking in.

“Hey” Sara’s quiet tone sounded broken.

“I got your letter” Grissom said not knowing what to else to say.

“Yes” Sara’s asked.

“Yes, Do you still want me to see me” His voice was breaking, the tears filling his eyes.

“Yes… please… Gil I need you…” Sara said she was crying now and the pain in her voice struck Grissom heart.

“I’m coming” He said as he left the room.

Day 7 San Francisco 1999.

12: 20am

Grissom arrived at Sara’s building as he reached to press the button for her apartment, he heard the door buzz. He pushed at the main door and it opened letting him gain entrance. A heavy feeling settled in his stomach she knew he was here.

When he reached her door he had barely knocked when he heard her footsteps approach the door. Grissom held his breath as it opened. The sight before him broke his heart. Sara stood there, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, her eyes were red and swollen from crying. She stood back to let him enter.

Grissom noticed how untidy the room was. There were a number of things that had been thrown .When he noticed the pieces of red ceramic dotted about the floor, his heart sank as he turned to face her.

Sara still stood at the now closed door. She still hadn’t spoken and was just staring at him. He could see the unmistakeable pain in her eyes.

“Sara, I… “He started but there were no words to fix what he had done.

“Just tell me, Just tell me if it’s okay” Sara said her voice broken and quiet
.
.“What? If what’s okay?” Grissom asked becoming confused at her words.

“You said you read the letter. Tell me if we are okay, tell me you understand that I didn’t use you, that I would never…”

Sara broke down as she spoke, she grasped the door handle for dear life it was the only thing that was holding her up.

Grissom realized that she wasn’t upset because of his actions; she didn’t seem to be angry at all. Then it hit him she hadn’t heard them. She didn’t know what he had done.

It took him a minute to comprehend this revelation; he walked over to where she was standing and wrapped her in his arms, wanting to ease her pain. To let her know he still wanted to be with her, to show her that she hadn‘t done anything wrong. He could feel her shaking in his embrace and it tore at his soul, he had to tell her the truth, he had to be honest with her.

Sara was sobbing now; she wrapped her arms around his waist and clung on to him as if she would never let him go. Only pulling back to look up at him. He couldn’t meet her eyes, his heart full of the guilt. Sara was blinded by the relief that he was here, that he understood, that he had forgiven her for the pain he had gone through.

“I love you Gil” Sara said. The only words that could explain how she felt.

Grissom couldn’t speak, he could barely move looking into her eyes he could see the hope in them, the love that poured from them was overwhelming.

He kissed her.

The kiss was unlike any they had shared before; it was frantic, and filled with need. Sara let out a soft moan as Grissom’s tongue plundered her mouth. They were becoming more aroused .Their mouths savaging each other in desperate need. They slammed against the door their hands franticly moving over each other bodies.

Sara began to pull at his clothes, he followed her lead tearing her shirt open covering her braless breast with his hand, the feel of her skin was electric; he moved his lips to her neck biting and licking. Working his way from her neck to her breast consuming the soft flesh. As he took her nipple in his mouth Sara cried out, the tears slowly falling down her face. She needed him, it was passionate and lust filled but she wanted to feel his body against hers. Grissom’s hard mound pressed against her as he pinned her against the wood.

“Oh Sara, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…” Grissom said as he devoured her body.

“I want you… make love to me… I need to feel you” Sara said as she dragged his shirt from his body.

She attacked his neck like a hungry animal, biting and sucking at his flesh. Grissom’s body was aching for her touch. He felt her hands pull at the button of his pants he felt the pants give way and loosen as she pushed them apart. As Sara took Grissom in hand, he sighed into her breast. She began to stoke his hard flesh; she could feel the pulse of his rising climax.

Grissom’s mouth returned to hers, the passion that passed between reached new levels as his desire drove him on. Grissom moved his hand down to her pants almost tearing the buttons open; he slipped under the elastic of her panties. As his fingers found their way into her folds, they both let out a guttural moan. He needed her, and she wanted him.

She was so wet he wanted taste her, to feel her body as she came. He slipped two fingers into her core, Sara collapsed onto his shoulder.

“Oh God… Yes … oh Gil… Please I need you so much” Sara said begging him, Sara tightened her hold on his body, her stroke increasing in pace.

“Tell me… tell what you want, Sara” he said and he pounded into her. His mouth plundering hers.

“You … I want you… now” Sara cried out as her body was building to release.

On her words Grissom removed his fingers and with both hands pushed her pants down taking her underwear with them. Sara s shook them off. She pulled him to the sofa and she surprised him when she turned her body and bent down over the arm.

Settling in behind her and kisseing her neck, he spread her legs apart. In one fluid movement he pushed his hard flesh into her core.

“Oh god… Yes… oh Gil” Sara’s word’s filled the room.

Grissom felt his climax threaten, as he moved within her, the sense of completeness he felt was at war with the guilt that raged inside him. He was glad she wasn’t looking in his eyes. He held on to her hips and began to pump into her with more force.

“Yes… Yes… harder I need to feel you” Sara’s words sent a rush of lust through him, his movements became desperate. He was pounding into her now; he could feel his release, trying to hold he pleaded with her.

“Come for me Sara, I want to feel you come for me” He said. His voice frantic.

“So close… So close… don’t stop…” Sara pleaded as she gasped for air.

Grissom could barley hold on as he felt his orgasm take him.

“Oh Gil …Oh God… yes… I going to… GILLLLLLLLLLLLL”

Sara screamed his name, but he couldn’t hear her he was lost in a climactic convulsion he felt his seed fill her, as her body clamped around his throbbing mound.

“Sarrrrra… OH JEEEEEESUS…” Grissom said in a low guttural tone.

He slumped over her naked behind resting his head on her back. His thoughts were of nothing but the ecstasy that coursed through him. Sara loved the feeling of him behind her she could feel his whole body pressed against hers. Her body was lost in the emotion of the moment.

Their passion had reached a new level and she couldn’t form a coherent thought to save her life. As their breathing settled Grissom rose up pulling her with him. He turned her body into his and held on to her in the tightest hug Sara Sidle had ever experienced.

The guilt returned almost immediately attacking him with savage force. He wasn’t sorry that they had made love; it would stay with him for the rest of his life. He would cherish the memory of her love for him. He had never known such passion could exist between two people, but he knew standing here holding her that he would be the one to end it.

He could now never tell her how weak he had been. She would never know how he betrayed her love. He knew that if he told her that she wouldn’t just hate him, she’d hate herself.

She would be angry at herself for falling in love with a man who had been so selfish and weak. The pain that went with that feeling would tear her apart. He didn’t want her to suffer like that. Sara deserved so much more. He couldn’t meet her eyes fearing she would see the lies in them. He now knew what it was like to truly hate yourself.

Although it wasn’t physical Sara could feel him pulling away from her, she broke the embrace and looked at him. She knew what he was going to say, Grissom saw the fear in her eyes.

“What time do you have to leave? Sara asked not really wanting to hear the answer.

“My flight is at 12pm” Grissom choked out the words.

“Can you stay with me tonight? “ Sara asked swallowing the lump that rose into her throat.

“Yes” Grissom said pulling her in to him and capturing her mouth in a gentle kiss.

Grissom took Sara’s hand and led her into the bedroom. He pulled back the covers and he lay with her, pulling her in to him. Giving her these last few hours was the right thing to do even if the guilt tore at his soul.

They lay in each other’s arms all night neither of them really sleeping. Sara looked at the minutes tick by on one of her alarm clocks, her thoughts racing.

6:15am.

She turned to face him. His eyes were closed but she knew he wasn’t asleep.

“Hey, are you sleeping?” She whispered.

“No” Grissom said opening his eyes He had been awake like her for most of the night; the guilt was consuming him as he lay with her in his arms. He was trying to find the right words but nothing would come.

“I was thinking, maybe I could come to Vegas with you, I could do my training there, and we could be together… she said, She had been trying to think of ways they could be together. He knew that this would happen.

“Sara” Grissom said sighing and pulling away from her to sit up.

“I wish I could tell you what this last week has meant to me, I have never met anyone like you, and my feelings for you run deeper than anything I’ve ever felt” he said unable to meet her gaze.

“Why do I sense a but coming” Sara said sitting up, her tone giving away her sadness.

“You are starting out on a wonderful journey; you have such a great opportunity in front of you here in San Francisco. I can’t let you throw it away for me. I’m not worth it” Grissom said meaning every word he said to her.

“But we’re on the same road Gil you're just a couple of steps ahead of me, I won’t be training forever, I could transfer once I pass my proficiency, I could go to Vegas ,to you “ Her voice sounded desperate clinging to any hope that he wanted to be with her.

“You wouldn’t be happy in Vegas” he said stroking her face gently.

“I’d be happy with you” Sara said her voice breaking.

Grissom’s heart nearly broke when he saw the sadness in her eyes, but he knew that having her with him, feeling her love for him would never release him from the guilt of what he did.

“Come here” He said pulling her into a hug.

“I want you to be the best you can be Sara. You are going to make an excellent criminalist, do you know that? He said kissing the top of her head.

“I promise you Sara if you ever need me I’ll be there for you.” Grissom said framing her face in his hands placing a light kiss on her lips.

“When you become a CSI you can decide then what you want. You need to find your own way” he said.

He knew deep down Sara would have forgotten about him by then. Her love for him would have faded, and any desire to be with him along with it.

“I promise that I will always be there for you Gil. When you realize you need me I’ll be waiting.” Sara said kissing him.

She got out of the bed and walked to her bathroom.

“Come on let’s go to the hotel and pack your stuff. I can’t do this, be here with you, knowing that I really don’t have you anymore” Sara said. She wasn’t trying to hurt him she was trying to make it easier for herself to say goodbye.

“No” Grissom said “I think it would be better if we said goodbye here.”

He knew that she would want to come with him; he couldn’t bear to leave her standing in the airport alone. He got out of bed and walked over to her. He took her hands in his and looked into her eyes.

“I want to remember you here, in this moment. I don’t want my last memory with you to be in an airport” Grissom said.

Sara nodded knowing the moment had come. The moment he would walk away. She had hoped that they would have a future together but she could see it clearly now. Something in his eyes that told her this was goodbye.
“I understand” was all she could manage to say.

He got dressed and returned to the bedroom, she was standing looking out the window, he mentally took in the sight of her he would keep this picture in his heart forever. Grissom walked to her was wrapped his arm around her from behind.

“It’s time, I have to go.” Grissom said as he kissed her on the head.

“I know I’m going to miss you.” Sara said desperately trying to fight the pain that was tearing her heart in two.

“Me too” He said

Sara she turned into his body and kissed him one last time. She looked up at him and framing his face in her hands she stared into his eyes.

“There is nothing that would ever make me forget what we have, I know that you think I’ll move on and forget you, But I won’t, I’ll always remember us.” she said.

Grissom couldn’t speak, the emotion in her eyes was overwhelming and he couldn’t find any words. He turned and headed for the door, Sara ran after him, just as he was about to close the Door she called to him.

“Doc” She said

Grissom stopped and looked at her
.
“I love you” she said and without waiting for him to say anything she turned and went back into her bedroom and closed the door.

Grissom left making a promise that he would be there for her if she ever needed him.

Las Vegas1999.

Grissom had changed, everyone in Vegas could see it, Catharine was one of his closest friends but even she couldn’t get him to talk about what had happened in San Francisco. He went there a confident all be it cocky CSI who could share a laugh and a drink with his friends. He came back a distant closed man who had shut everyone out of his life. Keeping his emotions firmly locked away.

She assumed it would pass and he would return to the man she knew. He did settle back into his life in Vegas and even some of the old Grissom returned but there was a part of him that had gone for good. She knew it was something to do with the woman he had met in San Francisco. He would mention from her time to time and a look of sadness would be in his eyes. Once she even asked him, how the women had broken his heart? Grissom became an expert at avoiding questions and as the weeks passed Catharine stopped asking.

In the months that followed he and Sara kept in touch. Although it was difficult to begin with they settled into their new kind of relationship, through phone calls and emails the shared their thoughts and lives.

She told him about cases she worked and experiments she took part in. He too told her of his life, the change to the graveyard shift, the fact that he kept their time together a secret from his colleges was just like him. Sara had noticed the change in him but always thought friendship was better than nothing at all.


On her first day in the San Francisco Crime lab Grissom sent her a package inside was a lady bug mug the same one she had smashed that day she returned from the hotel.

She in turn sent him his own cup, he liked to drink his morning coffee from it, always laughing at the message in the front. "Entomologists do it with bugs".They would exchange gifts and Cards at birthdays and Christmas and although Sara's message would change from Love Sara, to your friend always, and then back to all my love Sara., his message was always the same. From Grissom.

Sara went on to do her proficiency that same year and as he knew he would she would pass with distinction on all of her three tests. She was an excellent Criminalist she had such passion for her work she reminded Grissom of himself.

It was about two months after Sara had been promoted to CSI level 2 that she asked him, he had thought about it when she had passed her proficiency but he put it out of his mind. Sara had moved on, she had never mentioned their week in San Francisco together or the promises they had made that last day before but here it was, he couldn’t avoid it.

“I was thinking maybe I could come work in Vegas for a while, if it works out maybe I could stay there, we could … I mean… I don’t know if you still want to…, we could try again.” Sara said.

She had done it she had offered him a chance to be with her she offered him her heart.
Grissom was silent he couldn’t speak, fear gripped him, the memory of his betrayal still hung over him like dark cloud, the guilt had never really gone away but he didn’t have to deal with it because he didn’t have to look into her eyes those beautiful dark pools the were so open and full of love.

Now she wanted to come and be with him. He couldn’t do it, He wouldn’t be able to have her around him and not want her, and that couldn’t happen he couldn’t risk hurting her again, or letting everyone see how vulnerable she made him feel.

“Sara, I…” Grissom choked on his words “This thing between us it……” Grissom began searching his mind to find the right words. “Look I’m …” he tried to continue but the words wouldn't come.

"It’s okay...I ... understand... okay?” Sara said cutting him off she could hear his answer in the tone of his voice.

“I’ve got to go doc, duty calls, I’ll talk you soon” She said her voice wavering before she hung up.

Grissom’s heart sank he had done it again. After that their phone calls became less frequent and the emails were kept brief and mostly involved talking about the job.
It wasn’t until Holly Gribbs came into Grissom’s life that he needed her.

The day he called her, her heart leaped she had a million emotions rushing through her. She could hear it in his voice he was in pain .Without thinking she packed a bag and got on a plane.

Sara went straight to him; her heart was pounding as the car turned into the hotel where Grissom and his colleague were working a case. She stood for a moment and watched him. She couldn’t contain the smile any longer as she walked up to the police tape.

He looked just as she remembered him and she couldn’t help the rush of arousal she had at being near him again. He cheeks found the familiar shade of pink that had plagued her that first week she had met him.

“Wouldn’t you if you were married to Mrs Roper” She said her giddiness mixing with her words.

“I don’t even have to turn around, Sara Sidle” He said, smiling.

That was the beginning of a dance that would go on for five years. Flirting looks, and small touches the only hint that they had ever been together.

Then the night they had found Nick in the ground, he came to her door.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sara said not quite knowing what to say.

“There‘s something I need to tell you” He said.