Guardian Devil

CHAPTER SEVEN: SIGNS AND SIGNINGS

I love to see Lex behind the wheel of a fast car, putting it through its paces, while the ground is just eaten up beneath us, the thrum of the motor like a purr through my veins as he shifts into higher gear. That alone would make it one of my favorite things to do with Lex. But Lex driving also gives me the opportunity to watch him when I know he has to keep his eyes, for the most part, on the road so my staring wouldn’t be that obvious.

Now I don’t need to hide that I’m looking at him, admiring him, loving him. My fear of seeing Jonathan and Martha tonight is offset by the fact that I can just watch Lex drive and not avert my eyes when he glances over at me and grins and adds another 10 miles per hour to our speed as we race towards his factory, to the signing of the guardianship documents. Soon, I will be his legally.

He’d changed out of the plum shirt he was wearing earlier into a black ribbed sweater, because the silk shirt had been pretty much ruined when it got soaked as he helped me out of the shower. He’d also wrapped himself in the black pea coat with the high collar that always looked so good on him. Thinking of the coat he’d worn earlier that day made me feel ill. I noticed that someone had come and taken it away and I wished again that they would burn it. It could never be truly clean.

Dominic hadn’t done the best job in grabbing clothes for me, forgetting to bring any boxers, socks or shoes. Lex scrounged up a pair of old sneakers I had left at the castle after a vicious rainstorm one night and some white tube socks that I doubted he’d ever worn. He had joked at first that going commando would be a good experience for me. When I asked him if he was going commando at that moment, he got quiet and his eyes burned into me. But then with a quick laugh, he threw me a pair of gray silk boxers that were too big on him, but fit me like a second skin.

“You’re the only man I know who has to have his underwear dry-cleaned, Lex,” I said as he stood in the doorway to my bedroom, leaning against the doorframe, smirking at me.

“Silk against skin, Clark, once you try it you’ll never go back.”

“Silk doesn’t breath … cotton is better,” I said, repeating a bit of Martha’s advice, and flinched at the thought of her.

“Hey, are you all right?” Lex was suddenly in front of me touching my shoulder. He shook his head suddenly and said softly, “Stupid question, of course you’re not. But … I mean, is there anything I can do?”
His blue-gray eyes searched my face and as always I felt that he saw far more than anyone should be able to. He cupped my cheek with his right hand and I leaned into that touch. His thumb gently caressing the skin right by the corner of my mouth, making me ache to kiss him.

“You’re doing more than enough, Lex. I’m all right.”

“You will be all right, angel, I promise,” Lex said seeing through the half-truth.

He’d asked which car I wanted to take and if I wanted to drive. I told him the blue Jag and slid into the passenger seat. I wanted Lex to be the one in control of all things tonight, and, of course, with him driving it gave me great view-time of him.

I’m brought back to the present by Lex’s voice, “Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Metropolis … for a meeting I can’t miss,” he said, his face only illuminated by the dashboard lights as we barreled down the country road, halfway to the plant. But I could see the grimace he made.

I felt a chill run through me at the thought of being apart from him, but I quashed it down, bringing the coat I borrowed tighter around me. I wouldn’t be a burden on Lex. I wouldn’t be so clingy and needy that he couldn’t get on with his life.

I saw the concerned sideways glance he gave me, noticing the fear I tried to hide. He said, “I want you to go with me. I’ll only be away from you for a few hours for the meeting itself. It actually fits into my plans, in a way, because I was thinking we needed to go into the city tomorrow, anyways.”

“What for?”

“Considering tonight’s adventure in trying to clothe you and my abhorrence of all things flannel, which would encompass the rest of your wardrobe at the farm, I thought we would go shopping. To begin the proper outfitting of my ward,” Lex explained as he tapped the wheel to a symphony he was undoubtedly hearing in his head.

“Why do I have the feeling that I’m going to be the equivalent of a life-sized Ken doll tomorrow?”

“Because I can’t allow my ward to look like a ragamuffin, Clark,” he said.

“Ragamuffin?” I snorted.

“It was a favorite word of my grandmother’s,” Lex said archly, but I saw the flash of his teeth as he grinned.

“Exactly. Your grandmother used that word. Nobody uses it now.”

“Only because the youth of the nation have a limited vocabulary, not because it isn’t a perfectly good word. A perfectly descriptive word.”

“Hmmm. You are a nerd, aren’t you, Lex?”

“And that would make you the ward of a nerd, which would mean you’re a nerdette? Nerdo?”

“Dork!” I said and swatted at his shoulder.

“Geek!” He joked right back.

I struggled to find another insult and proved his point about my own, if not my generation’s, lack of vocabulary when I repeated, “Nerd!”

“Ragamuffin!” And we both started laughing way too hard. “See my greater vocabulary allows me to insult more … effectively.”

“More creatively maybe. It amazes me no end though that you still sound cool, even though you’re talking like you’re from a different era.”

“I am cool, Clark, ergo everything I do is cool.”

“Right,” I agreed and he smirked.

Lex reached over and stroked my hair, letting his hand drift down to the back of my neck, massaging the muscles there as he drove one-handed. I resisted the urge to moan, leaning forward slightly so he had easier access to continue the massage.

His voice was low and almost throaty as he began to speak again, “So about tomorrow. I figure we’ll drive down to Metropolis in the morning, I’ll have my lunch meeting while you brush up on your Playstation skills at the penthouse, then we’ll shop, have dinner and maybe a movie. We’ll drive back to Smallville the next day.”

“Uhm, sounds great except for one little thing. Tomorrow is Sunday, which means the next day is Monday. School day, remember?”

“Ah, right. I didn’t forget that, I just didn’t think you’d be up for school quite yet,” he answered too casually and I knew then that he was still really worried about me, especially after the shower incident. “Maybe we should see how you’re doing closer to that time before we make any decisions.”

“I wouldn’t want anyone debating your skills as a guardian, Lex, which they would if I started playing truant from school all ready.”

“I’m sure they’ll debate my skills anyways, Clark.” Lex stopped massaging my neck and dropped that hand back on the gearshift.

I felt the loss of his touch so keenly. I wished I hadn’t mentioned people judging his guardianship of me; it only reminded him of his promise not to become my lover. I was pretty sure that guardians normally did not give their wards backrubs. Or kiss them. Or give each other blowjobs in fast beautiful cars. Or make love until they couldn’t move anymore. But I intended to have those things with Lex. Who cared what normal guardians and wards did, we had never been normal at anything before so why start now?

“I should call Chloe and Pete later. Tell them what’s going on … so they don’t hear it from someone else first.” I wondered if he noticed I didn’t include Lana in that list.

“Quite. I’m sure that once the town gets wind of it, people will be saying that the Luthors are buying farm children now at discounted prices,” Lex joked, but it fell flat.

I reached over and gripped his shoulder, loving the feel of his muscles shifting under my hand. “I don’t care what they think, Lex. You saved me and I’m … honored that I get to be your ward. Those people that say bad things about you … they don’t know anything.” I couldn’t help but add bitterly, “After all, they’re the same ones that think Jonathan Kent is a good man who wouldn’t hurt a soul.”

Lex’s eyes flicked over to me, but I held the trembling sickness at bay even though I could almost hear the whine of the belt flying through the air and the slapping sound it made as it connected with my skin.

“How long … how long had the beatings been going on?” Lex asked softly.

“Since I returned the truck. Before I even knew how I … felt about you. It was like he sensed it or something. He said he smelled it on me.” I shuddered.

I heard the leather of his gloves squeak as he tightened his grip on the wheel and gearshift. “How often did he … beat you?”

“At first, it wasn’t all that often just once every few months and then … it got more frequent,” I answered and focused on a loose thread on the hem my coat.

“How frequent?” Lex asked and I knew he wanted to know not because of idle curiosity, but because it haunted him that I could have been hurting and he wasn’t aware of it. As much as Lex knew me, I knew him.

“After every time we got together.” My voice sounded so quiet to my own ears I wondered if he heard my response.

He must have been holding his breath, because I heard his harsh exhale suddenly, “Fucking god, Clark, we’ve seen each other practically every day for the past six months. That bastard even sent you to my house with the produce once a week!”

“It was my choice whether I delivered the produce to you or not. He would have gone in my place, but I … insisted on going.”

“So he made you … pay … for the privilege of delivering vegetables to me by beating you?” He sounded strangled as he said it. “And when I came by the farm unannounced, did he hurt you for that, too?”

I paused before I answered, not wanting him to feel responsible for what Jonathan did to me, but knowing I could never lie to Lex about important things like this ever again, “Yes. Because he knew … knew I wanted you there, so it didn’t matter that I hadn’t asked you over. It was my … desire to be around you that he punished me for.”

I saw a tremor run through Lex. He pressed his lips together until the blood ran out of them. Finally, he spoke again, “What about phone calls? Did they cause him to punish you, too? And when you stayed the night or went with me to some opening in Metropolis … was it … was he--”

“He made the punishment fit the crime. At least in his mind, anyways,” I said, amazed that my voice sounded so steady, so calm, so inflectionless even as my inner thoughts felt congealed with memories of my own blood pooling on the stone floor of the cellar. “Depending on how much time I spent with you the punishment would go on … longer and … he’d use more … force and … stuff,” I answered and swallowed, but my mouth was dry and it felt like my throat was sticking together. “Sometime he’d make me stay in the cellar with the … with the necklace on all night after the punishment. He’d release me to do my chores in the morning and go to school. Those days … were the toughest, but I wouldn’t have wanted to stay home in any case. At least at school I was away from him and could … pretend that things weren’t like they were.”

Lex was so still that it frightened me. His voice when he did speak was like dark ice, “I should have brought my gun.”

“Don’t say that, Lex!”

“I want to kill him. I want him dead!” Lex slammed the palm of his hand against the steering wheel. “And he called me the devil. What a fucking joke!”

I pressed my forehead against his shoulder, rubbing his right forearm, feeling tremors course through his body. “You kill him and you risk going to jail, Lex. And I can’t … can’t go on without you.”
I felt him take in a very deep breath and slowly let it out of his lungs. He was still so taut; I thought he might snap in half.

“Why didn’t you tell me what he was doing to you, Clark?” He asked so softly.

I drew back from his shoulder, not wanting to tell him the rest, but knowing it had to be done, “Because he threatened to say you were … molesting me. Even with me denying it … there would still be enough doubt that Lionel could use it as an excuse to lock you up again in the mental institution. That’s the main reason why I didn’t resist him or run away, because … because it would put you in danger, Lex.”

I wasn’t that surprised when he pulled the car over to the side of the road with a vicious yank of the wheel. I heard the loose gravel underneath the tires shoot up and ricochet off of the under carriage of the car. Lex was suddenly ripping the seatbelt off him and thrusting the car door open. He was walking very fast out into the middle of the empty road, one hand against his forehead, the other fisted at his side, his breath coming in ragged gasps. I scrambled out of the Jag after him. He made a sound between a laugh and a sob and I saw him cover his mouth to keep the noise in.

“You let him hurt you to protect me. You did this for me.”

I came up behind him, putting my arms around him, so his back was against my chest. I could feel his heart pounding, his whole body trembling with grief and rage and fear.

Lex said raggedly, “And to think … to fucking think that there were times when I didn’t see you for a day and … and doubted you wanted to be my friend … doubted you were my friend … when all the time … you were enduring hell for me! I’m such a fucking idiot, such an idiot!”

He twisted around in my arms so we were face to face. His eyes were wild, his alabaster skin looked even whiter in the fall moonlight, and there were tremors flowing through his body like water. His eyes told me so many things about what he was feeling: horrified that I allowed Jonathan to hurt me because of him, but also, and I knew he would castigate himself for feeling this, joy and wonder that I truly loved him enough to suffer for him. No friend had ever sacrificed for Lex.

“Angel … how can I ever … ever … make this up to you? Make this right for you?”

“It’s not your fault that this happened. Don’t you see I could have stopped the beatings if I had been willing … willing to give you up? But I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I’m the one at fault. I’m the one that was putting you in danger by being your friend!” The last was my real fear. My selfishness in wanting to continue to have Lex in my life had given Jonathan power over Lex not just me.

“Oh, Clark … don’t … don’t even think that. Your friendship is invaluable to me. I would rather have gone back forever to Belle Reve, shock treatments and all, than to not have your friendship. And if that threat had been carried out, then at least you could have escaped from them,” Lex soothed, tightening his embrace on me.

“They still knew my secret, Lex. They would have told the government or someone else and I would have been hunted down. And … and they were the only parents I’ve ever known so I … went through with it for that reason, too,” I said quietly, ashamed that I could have felt such desperate longing for these people who hurt me to love me.

Some of my shame must have come through in my voice, because Lex said, “I understand all too well wanting approval and love from someone who will never give it.”

In some ways it amazed me that Lex could be so shocked and horrified by what Jonathan did to me when I sensed that Lionel had done worse things to Lex. I knew it was because in some way Lex thought he deserved only bad things, that love and friendship and all the brightness in life weren’t really meant for him.

“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?” I told him, my voice a choked and muffled mess since I had stuffed my head into his neck.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice equally blurry with emotion. “Love you.” The last was a whisper, but it burst through me like fireworks.

I pulled back to look at Lex’s face, to say something more, but he stopped me with a kiss. His eyelids slowly fell shut as the kiss continued. His mouth was closed at first, just the pressure of his silken lips against my own then I felt him open his mouth and the briefest caress of his tongue tracing the line between my top and bottom lips. I opened my mouth to let him in, but he teased me and flicked his tongue back inside his own mouth and sucked on my bottom lip instead. His hands trailed down my back to the waistband of my jeans and he slid them into my back pockets, cradling my ass in his hands and pulling our hips together. I felt one of his knees pressing between my legs and I opened them wider so that he could put his thigh between my own. He began rocking my aching sex against his thigh.

He broke off the kiss, his eyes hooded and gleaming underneath the pale lashes, “We shouldn’t do this.” But then he pressed harder against my groin with his thigh until I moaned.

“But we are doing this, Lex.”

“I know, but I’m in denial.”

He captured my lips with his again, taking my tongue into his mouth and raking it lightly with his teeth. He pulled back again, “You’re so beautiful … inside and out. I want to give you everything you deserve. But I’m weak, angel. And I love you too much. You’re the only one I love. Only one I ever will.”

“You’re not weak, Lex. You’re the strongest person I know. Love you, too. Always, forever, only,” I moaned into his mouth

Then I started kissing and licking down his throat, finding the place where the neck and shoulder met and where his carotid pulse was the strongest. I began to suck on that place. He whimpered and his thigh jerked up between my legs.

“I want you to submit to me, Clark. Can you do that? You’re so strong … can you give into me? Would you get on your knees for me? Beg for me … ah, oh, God, yes … so good, angel!”

I had cupped his sex with one hand and squeezed while my other hand snaked underneath his sweater and caressed his nipples into hard nubs. His voice was like an aphrodisiac and I found my own voice because of it.

“I’d get on my knees for you, on my back for you, on my stomach for you … crawl across glass for you,” I hissed as I trailed kisses long his collar bone, mapping that alabaster skin that taunted me each time I saw him. “I’d burn for you, Lex.” I felt his breath hitch.

“All that strength, all that beauty and you want to give it to me. And I’m such a fucking bad man, which makes this such a … such a bad idea … but oh, don’t stop doing that!” Lex keened in my ear as I dipped my fingers down the front of his pants, just to tease the head of his sex that was trying to make its way out into the air like it had a mind of its own.

He ripped his hands out of the pockets of my jeans and began tearing at the buttons of my pants. “You’re mine, angel.”

“Yes. Yours.”

“Never let you go.”

“I intend for you to keep that promise,” I breathed against his pale perfect neck, feeling the thread of his heartbeat sing in my bones.

Lex’s hands froze just as he was unzipping my pants when the howling began.

“Wolves?” I said, never having heard one outside of the movies. I jerked my head up from his throat.

“Can’t be,” Lex said. He quickly rebuttoned me and I removed my hands from underneath his clothes. Each of us scanned the dark fields to see what was making that noise.

The one howl turned to two then three then four, then more melded in and it was impossible to know how many. Then I saw them. Too many to count, flowing towards us like a river of silver fur down the roadway. I gasped and Lex turned his head to see what made me make that sound.

“No way,” Lex breathed. “No way this is happening.”

I grabbed Lex and used my strength and speed to get us into the car and get the doors locked. Luckily he hadn’t turned off the ignition and he just had to get the car in gear and punch the accelerator, because the wolves were upon us just as he screeched away. I watched them loping after us as Lex hit sixty then seventy then eighty miles an hour.

“They’re gaining, Lex.”

“Impossible. No wolf can go eighty miles an hour!” But I heard the doubt in his voice and then he laughed, a little crazily considering the way our emotions had been up and down that night, not to mention hundreds of ravening wolves on our tail. “But then against this is Smallville, so I can’t believe the word impossible ever exits my mouth anymore.”

“Their eyes are glowing…”

“What? Are they glowing green?”

“No,” I felt my breath catch in my throat. “Silver. They glow silver, Lex. It’s almost … beautiful.”

“Ah, Clark, how close are they that you can see their eyes? Or don’t I want to know?”

“At the back bumper and they’re moving up on both sides,” I said as the first wolf was even with the passenger door.

“Great, the wolves are doing a pincer maneuver. I could hit one without too much damage to the front end, but … if more get in the way the engine might be destroyed and we’d be sitting ducks.”

“Don’t worry, I can run faster than this car--”

I heard Lex yell and I jerked my gaze to look out the front windshield. Lex had turned the car into a skid and I saw why. Not only were the wolves behind us, but also the entirety of the road and surrounding fields in front of us was covered by hundreds of them, with their softly glowing silver eyes. Just sitting there, watching the car barrel towards them then achingly slowly watching it slide to the side and stop. The car rocked for a few moments, and then everything was still. We hadn’t hit one wolf.

A larger wolf, far larger than the rest, almost the size of a calf approached Lex’s door. I grabbed Lex and began to pull him away, towards my side of the car to super speed us out of there when Lex said, “Don’t, Clark.”

“Why? We’ve got to get away from--”

“I … just don’t. Not yet.” Lex’s voice sounded funny like it did when he was totally absorbed in some abstract theory or looking at something he found intrinsically beautiful.

The wolf’s eyes were even with ours as it looked in the car window, right at Lex. The glow in the wolf’s eyes pulsed brighter. Lex reached one shakily towards it and pressed his hand to the glass. The wolf sniffed at the hand. I don’t know why, but I switched my sight to x-ray. Where there should have been wolf bones and organs there was only fire … burning blue/white in intensity. The fire writhed and coiled and then it held my gaze, knowing me. Then it turned its gaze back to Lex … knowing him, wanting him, aching for him. I felt Lex begin to convulse in my arms. His eyes were rolling up into his head.

“Lex!”

The wolf arched its head back and howled so loud I could feel the vibrations of sound moving through the air. Lex pressed back against me, half tangled over the gearbox, and the convulsions stopped. It was over as quickly and bizarrely as it began. The wolves began streaming away into the darkness until there wasn’t one in sight. Like they had never been.

“Lex, can you hear me? Answer me!” I frantically scanned him, but everything looked all right, but I couldn’t tell if his brain was damaged.

He shuddered then managed to croak, “I’m okay, Clark.”

“You were … were having a fit! You need a doctor!” I couldn’t help the fear that colored my voice. Losing Lex would kill me. Having him hurt was just slightly less bad.

“No … no doctors.” He struggled to sit up. I had to make myself release him. He sat in the driver’s seat quietly for a moment, rubbed his forehead then turned to me, “Never a dull moment in Smallville, is there?” He grinned shakily.

“No, I guess not,” I said and felt my stomach sink. The weird occurrences could always be linked back to my arrival and the meteor rocks.

Lex lifted my chin so that I’d look at him, reading my mind, “Not your fault, angel. And besides this … this occurrence was … cool.”

“Cool?” I couldn’t keep the disbelief from my voice.

“Yeah.” He got that distant look on his face again as if staring at something on the horizon only he could see. “I heard them … or maybe it was only one … talking to me.”

“Who? The wolves?”

“They … it … wasn’t a wolf.”

“I agree … when I x-rayed it--”

“X-rayed it?” Lex cocked one eyebrow at me.

“Alien thing: x-ray vision,” I explained and he nodded and let me continue even though I could see the scientist in him wanting to ask about five million more questions. “The big one at least looked like fire, Lex. It didn’t have bones or organs … it was living fire.”

He laid his hands gently against the steering wheel, contemplating what I said. “I can’t remember the words that the voice used. But … it was speaking to me … telling me something.”

“It wanted you,” I answered grimly.

“What?”

“There was … when it looked at me I felt that it … it wanted you,” I repeated. “Why did you tell me to wait and not get us out of there?”

“I don’t know. I just felt it would be all right if we stayed. I can’t explain it.” He rubbed one gloved hand over his head.

“It made you have a fit.”

“Hmmm. Well, I feel all right now. Actually I feel better than that.”

“That worries me more.”

“I know, but I think we should talk about this someplace else. Not here. And we’ve got to get to that signing! I will have you as my ward tonight and I don’t want to wait.”

“Maybe I should drive?”

“No, no, I’m good, angel. Never better,” he said and leaned over and kissed me hard on the mouth. “Now buckle up because I intend to break light speed.”

We seemed to get to the plant in no time, but I was still reeling from his kiss, from the wolves and from the thought that it was time for Lex to become my guardian. Both of us listened to the ticking of the Jag’s engine cooling.

“Are you ready?” He asked and placed a comforting hand on my thigh.

“Hmmm. Yeah.”

“They can’t hurt you, Clark. Even if they start raving about you being an alien. Well, no one’s going to believe them.”

“Right, I know.” But still I made no move to leave the car.

Lex turned in his seat to study my face more closely and I suddenly couldn’t bear to be even a foot from him. Just his hand on my thigh made me realize how much I needed his entire body covering mine to feel safe and desired and loved. But I couldn’t kiss Lex in the parking lot. If someone saw that would put a bit of wrench in the guardianship process. Lex seemed to know what I felt though.

“Clark… there’s a connecting door hidden under the tapestry between my bedroom and yours.”

“Oh, a hidden door?” I asked, not knowing where he was going with this.

“Yes, well, it is a castle, you know. So if you needed … needed me … tonight after the signing then …” He stopped speaking and I saw him swallow twice. “Think of it as an … incentive to--”

“Get through this?”

He nodded stiffly.

I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his, knowing that this wasn’t exactly normal behavior for future wards and guardians, but I couldn’t help it. “What were you planning to do with that secret door? Come into my bedroom and--”

“Watch you sleep and torture myself with the thought of touching you. Then go jack off,” he finished and his blue-gray eyes flicked up to meet mine. “I told you I am a bad man, Clark.”

“You say that like it’s a terrible thing, but really I like that about you,” I said and swallowed hard.

Lex smiled slowly, the look lighting up his whole face, transforming him. “That’s why we’re perfect together.”

“If we don’t get out of this car now, I think we might not ever make it in there,” I answered hoarsely.

“Quite.”

Then we turned away from each other and got out of the car. I heard the thunk of his door closing and only then did I turn to look at Lex over the roof of the blue Jag. I gave him my most confident smile and he gave me a gentle nod then we made our way inside, so close together that the back of our hands brushed each other.

The lawyers and Dominic were waiting for us in one of the conference rooms on the first floor. No sign of Jonathan or Martha. Papers were neatly stacked in piles with tabbies that pointed to where Lex was to sign. Martha and Jonathan’s signatures were already on the paperwork. Lex waved off the attorneys’ attempted small talk and instead had them follow him over to the table to immediately show and explain to him what each of the documents meant. It looked like it might take awhile, but I couldn’t sit down being too on edge.
Dominic sidled over to Lex then and whispered something in his ear, interrupting the lawyer. Lex froze for a moment then he pivoted to face me, his eyes more silver than blue.

“Martha Kent wishes to speak to you. You are under no obligation to honor that request,” Lex’s stilted formal tone made me know what it cost him to even pass on this message to me. He hated them both and would never forgive what they did to me.

“I’d like to … hear what she has to say this one last time.”

Lex’s expression was unreadable, but he nodded. “Do you want me there?”

“Yes, but I think I can start the conversation on my own while you’re getting things done here,” I chewed my bottom lip. “I just … want this settled. Okay, Lex?”

“Okay. I’ll be in as quickly as I can. Dominic, show him to Mrs. Kent.” Lex held my gaze one last time and I took in a deep shuddering breath. I felt his desire to give me strength and he accomplished his goal.

As Dominic walked me down the hallway, I asked him, “Is … is Jonathan in there with her?”

“No, we moved him into the room next door. Don’t worry, we’ve got men with guns watching him. He won’t be able to hurt you … again,” Dominic answered and I saw the quick glance he shot me out of the corner of his eye.

I was glad that not more people had seen me like he did in the cellar, I couldn’t bear the pity, but at least he would never question why Lex was making me his ward and I was certain I would have to explain that more times than I’d ever want to.

“Has … Jonathan said anything more about … about all of this?”

Dominic opened his mouth but nothing came out. He glanced over at me again and said, “The only thing I heard him say is that … that he failed. That you were lost.”

I felt my shoulders twitch at that. I didn’t know if I believed in the concepts of heaven and hell like I was taught by the Kents, but I did believe in there being more than just the physical. Was it like Jonathan said that the feelings I had for Lex would damn me to the darkest pits of the underworld? I guess the real question was whether I cared and I had answered that question the moment Lex kissed me and I gave into it, wanted it, wanted more. If I was lost by loving Lex, by being loved by Lex … so be it.

We stopped outside a plain office door. It should have had flashing lights or warning signs or something from the way my stomach flipped as I looked at it. I wanted to see Martha and I didn’t. I had somehow allowed myself to believe that her tender looks and touches, making my favorite meals and listening to my problems, minus the issues with Jonathan and the blood and the belt, meant that she loved me. And maybe she did, but it was a broken type of love. I could never have allowed anyone to touch Lex the way Jonathan did me, couldn’t even let one stranger do that to another without trying to help. But she allowed it, agreed with it. What was I to make of her?

Dominic unlocked the door and motioned for me to stay back as he entered the room first. Martha was sitting in a chair on the side of the room, her fair skin looking gray and her red hair a mess. She clutched a tissue in one hand. When she saw me she jumped up out of the chair with a cry of joy, but she stayed where she was when Dominic waved her back. Her eyes searched my face, looking for what, I wasn’t sure.

“Clark … how … how are you, honey?”

I saw Dominic roll his eyes at that and step over to the corner to watch her while she and I talked.

“Okay … sort of. Not really,” I answered and toed the carpet.

“We … we signed the papers like you asked, Clark.” Her eyes were beseeching and I didn’t know what she wanted me to say.

“I’m glad … glad about this. I really want Lex to be my guardian.” I turned and looked at Dominic, not able to say the things I wanted to in front of her. “Uh, Dominic, could you leave us alone? I’m not in any danger from her.”

I knew that Lex suspected Dominic of being Lionel’s toady so I wasn’t surprised at his conflicted look, the desire to stay without good cause warring with his need to know what I was going to say to Martha.

“I really need the privacy, Dominic.”

“I’ll just wait outside.”

“Actually, why don’t you wait in the conference room with Lex and the others?” I tried a look on him that I’d seen Lex give him a few times and it must have been quite a good imitation as Dominic nodded then scurried from the room. I was pleased to note with my x-ray vision that he did indeed go to the conference room and not linger in the hallway for too long.

“Clark,” she breathed and was suddenly wrapped around me.

I fought the urge to push her away and just stood there while she held me. There was this tightness in my chest. I wanted to forgive her and hate her forever at the same time.

I finally found my voice, “Why did you agree to him hurting me? How could you do that?”

She pulled back from the embrace and collapsed down on the chair again, her face looking haggard and her voice losing all inflection, “Those aren’t easy questions to answer, Clark, and I’m not sure if the answers truly make any difference especially since now …,” She trailed off.

“Now what?” I felt my hands clench into fists at my sides.

“Now that you are going to be with Lex after all,” she answered simply.

“Please tell me that you aren’t like dad … Jonathan, I mean, and believe I’m damned because I have sexual thoughts about a guy. Please tell me that isn’t the reason why you--”

“What? No, no … is that what your father told you?” Martha shook her head violently, half rising from her seat. “Was that his reasoning? Oh, god, I didn’t know that … no, Clark that’s not my reason. I don’t believe that. I would never do anything to you … because of that.” She looked so disturbed and so unsure all of a sudden. She sank back down on the chair, running one hand through her tangled hair.

“Then what is?”

She gave me that searching look that should have meant something to me, but didn’t. “Clark, I overheard you … talking to the A.I.”

I gave her a blank stare. I hadn’t a clue what she meant. She had always been there when I talked to Jor-El so the fact that she heard me speaking to him couldn’t surprise me. I told her as much.

“No … no, not those times. I heard you go downstairs into the cellar one night, Clark, and I followed you.”

“I never went down to talk to that thing without you guys!”

She left out a soft breath and I saw sadness in her, it made her shoulders slump, “I wondered even then if you were truly aware of doing it or … I can tell that you don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t know if forewarned is forearmed in this situation or if it is just a self-fulfilling prophecy by telling you this now. The knowledge hasn’t helped any of us so far.”

“Mom, please make sense!” I heard myself call her mom, but couldn’t take it back. She still felt like my mother. I wondered if her explanation would kill that feeling. I sat down on a chair opposite her. She reached over and covered my hands with hers. They were rough and red from farm work, but I loved them. They were the hands that soothed me, the hands that had never been afraid to wrap around me even as my alien-ess became more apparent.

“You remember the A.I. talking about your destiny?”

I snorted. “Yeah, the taking over the world business. Crazy. Never going to happen.”

She gave me a small nervous smile, and her eyes seemed bright with something like fear and pain for a moment. “The same day that the A.I. told you about your destiny, late at night after we all were supposed to be asleep, you activated the A.I. again, without your father or I with you.”

There was a feeling of pressure at the back of my brain, but I couldn’t catch the significance of the feeling. I suddenly wanted her to stop talking, but I couldn’t get the words to come out.

She continued, “You said that you wouldn’t take over the world--”

“Of course I won’t! I--”

She held up a restraining hand, “You said you wouldn’t take over the world for yourself, but you would for Lex.”

There was a quiet gasp from behind me. Lex was standing in the doorway, his blue-gray eyes wide, and his lush mouth partially open, looking so achingly beautiful. It felt like when I ran really fast and everything appeared to slow around me like molasses. Martha didn’t move from her chair, didn’t even seem surprised to find him there or that he knew about the A.I. and thus my alien origins. She looked just sadly resigned.

Lex’s voice, though quiet, filled the room, “And what about this … this statement made you decide that Clark had to be tortured?”

Martha met Lex’s gaze steadily as she said, “I know that if there is a hell then there is a special place reserved there just for me … no matter what my reasoning was for allowing Clark to be hurt.”

“And that reasoning would be?” Lex’s voice had a dangerous lilt to it.

“As soon as I heard what Clark said that night I knew that … that we had to discourage your friendship … at any cost. Because I knew, Lex, that without you as a catalyst that Clark would never … never hurt people, never desire such power … but I was sure with you in his life that … that he would do these things … that he would offer you the world on his knees.”

A half-memory surfaced of Jor-El looking pleased with me that I had accepted my destiny, saying that it had all been foretold and it was good, very good that things were moving so quickly now. I felt all the saliva dry up in my mouth. I couldn’t speak.

“And what makes you think I would ask for the world from Clark or accept it if he offered it to me?” Lex asked and there was an emotion I couldn’t name flickering in his eyes like a plea for her not to say something awful.

A tear rolled down her cheek and she didn’t brush it away just let it go. “Because, Lex, that’s the type of man you are.”

I jumped up from my seat, ripping my hands out from under hers, her touch felt so hot it scalded me. “Mom! How could you say something like that! Lex, isn’t his father--”

Her gaze was drawn back over to me, mournful, sad. “I didn’t say he was.”

“Then what are you saying? That Lex … that Lex is …” My voice just stalled, I was so angry, so confused. Lex had darkness in him, but he also was one of the brightest lights I knew and I trusted my judgment on that.

Lex’s hand was on my shoulder then, a gentle squeeze to comfort me. I covered his hand with my own, needing the solidity of his touch. I felt like I was drowning.

He said, “So why didn’t you fight the guardianship? Why did you hand Clark over to me if you honestly believed that I … that I’d corrupt him?”

“Because nothing we did … no matter how horrible … stopped Clark from wanting to be with you. And I finally realized that nothing ever would. And Jonathan’s … beatings of Clark were escalating. I wanted it to stop, to end. No matter what the cost to the world, I … I couldn’t go on with it anymore.” I watched as she studied Lex’s face, and I wondered what she saw. “I never doubted that you loved him, Lex. At least I’ll know he’s with someone who loves him fully and without reservation even if … even if it leads to disaster for the rest of us.”

Lex's voice was deceptively calm and quiet as he said, "Mrs. Kent, you say that you only agreed to Clark's ... punishment because of what this statement made to the A.I.?"

"Yes."

"And I take it that this statement did not happen the same day I hit Clark with my car?"

Martha blinked a few times, her brow furrowed in confusion. "No. This happened months later, after Christmas."

"Then how do you explain the fact that Jonathan has been beating Clark since the day I arrived in town?"

"What?" The color left her face.

"Are you claiming to have no knowledge of this?"

"I ... I didn't know! I swear it!"

Lex just stared at her in his measuring way. The way he looked at business rivals that he was about to take apart. I couldn't bear to hear any more. I wasn't sure I wanted to know if she was telling the truth or not. I just wanted to get away from her.

“Lex, I want to go now,” I said softly and I felt him slip an arm around my shoulders.

Martha rose from her chair, reaching out for me as Lex led me over to the door. “Clark! I am sorry … so sorry. I … did what I thought was best. I wanted to stop a future from happening where you would ... I thought I could change how things worked out. I truly thought I was doing the right thing.”

I stopped and stared at her outstretched hand. “I know,” I said and allowed Lex to get me out of the room.

We didn’t say anything as he took me outside to the car. The frozen fall air felt like a tonic. I stared out at the surrounding fields. Lex didn’t remove his arm from me and I was glad for its warm weight.

“Angel, no one can tell the future… no one can know what we are going to do …”

I told him, “I know. But she wasn’t entirely wrong, Lex. I would give you the world.”

I heard him exhale sharply. “Clark--”

“Let’s not talk about this now,” I said, surprised at how composed I sounded. “Is it done? The signing?”

“Yes. I’m your guardian now,” Lex answered.

I watched the frost of his breath fill the space between us. I wanted to take his breath into my body, fill myself with Lex, and only Lex. That made me feel safer. Martha may have been right that Lex would be a catalyst in our future, but I feared that left my role as something far worse. I had to think, but I didn’t want to at the same time.

“Let’s go, angel,” Lex said.

I nodded and followed him to the car. I let the vibrations of the Jag’s powerful engine sooth me as we pulled out onto the road. Out of half-closed eyes I watched Lex behind the wheel as he guided us through the night all the way home.