The Bitter End

Title: Bitter End 06
Author: Daedalus / Tak / Whatever, as long as the clock keeps ticking
Fandom: NCIS
Category: Slash
Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo – Allusions to Tony/Jeanne and Gibbs/Mann
Rating: PG for now (will be NC-17 later on)
Genre: Angst (a lot of it) – Action – Character study – First Time
Summary: What could have been a tragedy forces Gibbs and DiNozzo to realize they can’t deny what they long for any longer. But a ghost rises from the past and beats them to the game.
Spoilers: Every season from season 1.
Warnings: Homophobia
Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t sue.
Thanks to Joey, who does an amazing job, for betaing this fic.


‘GIBBS! OPEN THIS DAMNED DOOR!’


Gibbs sighed and gave Tony a look.

Tony had been living at Gibbs’ for three days now. And they had been having a nice, quiet evening, Tony insisting on watching a movie, and he had relented. Working on his ship when Tony sat on the stairs and chatted was fun, but he could not go down to the basement in his condition. And since, on their first evening, Tony had admitted to feeling lonely, he had agreed to spend some time with him every night.

Besides, he found it strangely pleasant. It was pleasant because of the physical closeness he could share with Tony without anybody – not even Tony – realising just how good it felt to him, and because the silence they shared allowed him to concentrate even more on his companion.

Tony was not the kind of spectator he had thought him to be. He had thought he would spend his time commenting on movies he knew by heart. Instead, he was focused on the screen, hardly batting an eye, enjoying every second of it. Which was good, because if he noticed Gibbs stealing glances in his direction, he never commented on it.


That third night, halfway through, he had dared – albeit tentatively – to wrap his arm around Tony’s shoulder. He had felt him tense and had tensed in answer, but when Tony relaxed and – had he imagined it? – leaned into him, he had felt a rush of power, a sense of triumph, warm, intoxicating, spread through him as he squeezed Tony’s shoulder lightly in acknowledgement. Admittedly, the young man was very tired. So when Tony laid his head on his shoulder and kept it there throughout the rest of the movie, it was all he could do not to turn towards him and hold him and kiss him senseless. Instead, he focused on the warmth and breathed in the scent of Tony’s hair…


In short, they had been spending a very pleasant evening until someone knocked insistently at the door.

He cursed, earning himself a chuckle from Tony, who reluctantly straightened up. He got up, walked towards the door, stopped, turned around, started to say something, but then the knocking started again in earnest.

He walked to the door like an automat, and tried to open it, before he remembered he had locked it the previous day, like he did every day since he had changed the locks.

Locked it so that The Bitch… or… Hollis ? (Hollis who was supposed to be in Hawaii, supposed to have given up on him) – could not walk on him in a… compromising situation. Just like now.

He sighed and fished the key through his pocket before opening.


‘Hi Hollis. Thought you were in Hawaii. I was gonn-‘
‘So this is how it is.’
‘Hollis, I-‘
‘You don’t even open your door for me. You don’t answer your cell. Why? Do I already belong to your past?’
‘You know you don’t. Not really. It’s just-‘
‘Yeah. I perfectly understand. You’d rather tend to your incapacitated playmate than-‘
‘Tony’s not incapacitated. And he’s not my playmate. And how did you know about that anyway?’


To think he had been in the mood to ‘play’ minutes before that – not very far. He was still wary of Tony’s reaction. But perhaps, he fancied, he would have tilted Tony’s head just so, and given him a light kiss, just lips against lips really, to let him know that if Tony was interested, it was his call… The worse that could have happened would have been that Tony would act a little weird for some time, most of it he would spend in ‘isolation’ in his home anyway, perhaps share uncomfortable glances for a while, but now he was almost sure the young man would not be intolerant enough to just freak out completely and complain to Jenny or accuse him of sexual harassment.

He could still feel the reassuring warmth and weight of Tony’s head on his shoulder and against his cheek. It felt good. Right. It felt wonderful. It felt like home.

But Hollis was still talking and it took him away from these wonderful sensations.


‘- Than talk to me. So tell me. Is it pity or guilt, that you feel, Jethro? I’m sure ‘Tony’ would just love that, were he aware enough to hear about it or sober enough to process it.’
‘I care for my own, Hollis. You know that.’
‘Yeah. I can see that. So I am not one of your own, am I?’
‘That’s different, Hollis. He needs me, just now, and you –‘
‘Don’t need you? Don’t give me that shit, Jethro. You know I need you and yet –‘


Tony was so very pale against the dark shade of the sofa. Jethro gave him an apologetic glance, before staring at his (ex) girlfriend.


‘Let’s talk about this outside, okay?’
‘Ah okay. So you have to-‘
‘Outside…’


Hollis stared at him. Hard. But at last, she sighed, shaking her head.


‘Right. Outside.’


He followed her out and closed the door, before taking her by the elbow so that she would not scream her heart out just outside the door, where Tony could still hear them.


‘What were you thinking, Hollis?’
‘You kidding? Jethro, what do you think you’re doing?’
‘I’m trying to protect my team, Hollis. Tony is being hunted, as well you know, apparently. And I want to protect him.’
‘By sheltering him in your own home?? Oh, that’s rich.’
‘He needs someone to look after him.’
‘So you had handles installed in your bathroom so that he can take a crap?’
‘As a matter of fact, yes, I did.’
‘And those locks and windows changed so that nobody can come in anymore?’
‘Overdue.’
‘Yeah, I bet it was. You did not give a shit who could come in your house before you had to shelter that… boy.’
‘Hollis… Listen-‘
‘Not when we were together. Damn it, you wouldn’t even close the door when we were *fucking*. So that your goddamned team could reach us if need be. I’m sure you got off thinking your Tony would walk in on us some day.’
‘Hollis…’
‘No. No. You listen. You just listen. You never did, so now you listen.’
‘I did, Hollis. I really did.’
‘So. What if I tell you I think going away was a mistake and I want back in?’


Gibbs gave a bitter laugh.


‘You’re telling me you want back into my life when you steered clear away from me, months ago, without a fucking good bye??’
‘Oh please, don’t give me that shit. You left your dear team without saying much more.’
‘My team never asked me when I would ask for their hand in marriage.’
‘Oh, and you really have to throw that into my face, do you?’
‘I don’t know why you came here, Hollis. I thought we were done. That is what I deduced from the article in the newspaper. ’
‘Told you. I want to take up what we had when I left.’


Gibbs stared at her for a while. Who was she kidding?


‘Well I don’t want to. I don’t think there is something left…’
‘But why?’
‘Why now, Hollis? Need to have my wits about me. I don’t want to have any member of my team hurt because I’m concentrating too hard on not pissing you off.’
‘What?? And why should I be pissed off? You’re not even trying, Jethro.’
‘No, I’m not. ‘Cause, right now, I don’t want to try.’


Gibbs stared at her for a while and felt a little guilty at the startled and betrayed look on his face. He sighed, rubbing a hand down his face tiredly.


‘Listen. I know what you need, Hollis, and it’s not I.’
‘You’re wrong! I need you… I l-‘
‘You need a man who is retired. Who does not risk his life in the field every single day. You need a man who doesn’t fear to get involved and to get hurt. You need a man who’ll care for you every minute of every day. You need his undivided attention. You need to be able to reach him on a whim, whenever you want, and you need him to be ready to answer his phone. I can’t give you that. I just can’t. I love my job, Hollis. I love my life as it is. And I care for my team. You know I really like you… You’ll just… never have my undivided affection…’
‘So it’s what I thought. You love your job better than me. Or rather, you love “someone” better than me. I thought your first wife and daughter held you back. Now I think there might be… someone else…’


Gibbs did not answer. He clenched his jaw instead. It sounded terrible. He was a real bastard. Hollis was hurt and he knew it. After all, she had the right to be happy. But Tony was lying in the sofa, needing his help, and he could not let him down. And he had things to discuss with him.


‘Why did you… You knew… Why let me think I could have you?’ Hollis spoke up again.
‘Because I thought you could.’
‘It’s that simple for you, huh? Let me think you love me, so you can have your woman to come home to when you want to, not every day, because of your fucking boat, and your fucking crime scenes… Four months ago I thought you’d buy me a ring. Thought we could build something together. Other than your “ship”, of course. Thought you’d stop me from stepping away from your life. But you never thought of it, did you? It didn’t even cross you mind, did it?’
‘It did, Hollis, but things have changed and…’
‘You bet. What has changed? You all know there is a risk whenever you’re on the job. Or even outside. DiNozzo gets hurt? So? What’s the big deal? You told me he survived the plague. I’m sure he can survive a lil’ bullet. From what I’ve heard, already has. And it’s not exactly as if he was dying.’
‘Three. Three bullets he took for me and the team. And if you know so much, you certainly remember he also saved my fucking life, last week? Risking an infection to his damaged lungs?’
‘Well you would have done the same for him. And if he had watched your six better, you would not have half drowned. And nearly taken a bullet yourself. Now I’m not going to pay for his incompetence. Whatever you think of his ‘skills’.’


She had spat the word as if she was undermining Tony’s efficiency and dedication to his work, and that pissed Gibbs off because not only was it insulting to his agent, but to him as well since he had been the one who had recruited him.


‘Enough, Hollis.’
‘You know, you may be his superior, but you’re not mine. It doesn’t work that way. We’re in a relationship, Gibbs. DiNozzo is a big boy. You know he’ll do well as the team leader because you put him there for three months. So either you want to live with me, and you quit your job, or you want to live with them and we don’t see each other anymore. Understood?’
‘We were in a relationship, Hollis. You know, when you put it like that, I really don’t have much of a choice. The decision is not that hard to take. If there still is a decision to take, because you took it for me four months ago, remember?’
‘Come on, Gibbs, even you can do better than that. They need you? Don’t make me laugh. You’re willing to stay another ten years for them? Hey, good, but you know, little Tony over there, and your dear David and McGee will not retire as soon as you will. I’m sure DiNozzo is dying to get his team back. And what a show of respect! I mean, if you don’t trust him enough with your team…’
‘You know it’s not like that.’
‘Well, sounds like it, to me.’
‘You don’t understand, Hollis.’
‘Exactly. I can’t understand why you seem ready to sacrifice what we have for them.’
‘What we had. We ceased to have what we had when you walked away from me.’


Hollis stared at him through narrowed eyes, clenching her jaw. Hard.


‘Is that it, then?’
‘Yeah. What we had was good. But I really don’t think we can make it work now.’


She said nothing for a while, trying to buy time so that he would show some sort of remorse and say that he would think about it.

But he wouldn’t. He knew he could not ignore what he felt for Tony anymore.

His relationship with Hollis was officially over.

**
*

Catching sight of Tony a few minutes later was pure relief. He even stopped at the doorway to have a proper look at him before he locked the door. Now Hollis was truly out of the picture, he felt bolder. And the fact that Tony had not rejected him gave him some (tiny) measure of hope. He still did not know whether Tony swung that way, but he had yet to scramble off to avoid contact and that was enough for him now.

Tony looked at him expectantly. As Gibbs did not answer anything, his agent spoke up.


‘So boss… What was it between you and Mann?’


Gibbs went to his cabinet and filled himself a glass of bourbon, flashing Tony a lopsided grin.


‘Hollis and I? It was just… a little bit of plumbing.’


Tony winced.


‘Oooh boss, that was gross… Even for me!’


Gibbs chuckled, eyeing Tony’s deliciously flushed face with relish.


‘Well I did change the plumbing at her home.’


Tony was still giving him a suspicious look, but did not comment.


‘Want anything to drink?’
‘Mmh… a beer if you don’t mind.’
‘That’s fine.’


Gibbs fetched a beer from the kitchen and opened it, giving it to Tony, who was watching him with a speculative face.


‘Spill it’, the ex-Marine said, sitting down by his beloved agent.
‘Boss, it’s kinda… personal. I don’t think you want to know what is in my head right now…’
‘Let me be the judge of that. Spill it.’


Tony took a deep breath.


‘So, why did Colonel Mann come here for?’
‘Apparently she heard you had been shot and would be living here for a while. So she came here to bitch about it.’
‘I thought you’d broken up and she’d gone to Hawaii...’
‘We hadn’t broken up. But yeah, I believed that too.’
‘Oh…’


Did Gibbs imagine it, or had Tony sounded a bit… disappointed, just now? He did not have the time to say anything, because the younger man was already flashing him a bright smile.


‘Well, that’s good, I guess. I mean, I wouldn’t want you to interrupt your love affairs just because I am staying downstairs… You seem to care a great deal and-‘
‘Tony, it’s over.’


The young man blinked.


‘What?’
‘Hollis and I. It’s over. It has been since the day she went to Hawaii. But we’ve just made it official.’


Tony was livid. He was staring at him with his huge green eyes, tried to say something that he kept for himself, before blinking and articulating slowly.


‘I’m sorry, boss… I didn’t think I was that much of a burden to y-‘
‘Don’t apologize, Tony. Besides, there is nothing you have to apologize for. And you’re not a burden. Far from it.’
‘But if I wasn’t here Mann w-‘
‘Would what, Tony? Tell me what’s right for me to feel?’


Suddenly, he was practically shouting at Tony and saw him wince. That calmed him down immediately. He was so tired. He did not want to hurt the younger man. If only he knew…


‘Listen. It’s been a long, hard day, with a bad ending. I just…’


He sighed.


‘I guess you were wrong, DiNozzo. Lost your bet. Never turned out to be my ex-wife. At least I didn’t marry her, this time. She should be grateful.’


Tony looked like he was blaming himself still, though. And somehow, perhaps the fact that Gibbs did not sound – and worse, feel – as bitter or sad as he should have sounded did not help Tony to feel less guilty. Perhaps that was the reason why he was gazing so intently at his hands, just now. Gibbs ran a hand through his own hair, and sat down next to Tony, patting him lightly, companionably on the back, trying to ignore the pang of hurt he felt at sensing Tony’s muscles stiffen under his touch.


‘And you see, she was the one who left me in the end, once again.’
‘You might as well have thrown her out, boss.’
‘You think so? Yeah, well, it wouldn’t have worked out between the two of us…’
‘But you were so… similar…’
‘Perhaps if I want to look at myself when I have sex or when I hold someone in my arms, I can just use a mirror or something…’


Tony tensed once more, still refusing to meet his gaze. Gibbs did not know what he had done so wrong that Tony would shunt away from him. His hand was still on Tony’s back, rubbing slow circles, as he observed his Senior Field Agent in silence.


‘Why?’ Tony said at last.
‘Why what?’
‘Why did you let her go?’


It was nearly a whisper. Gibbs took his time before answering. Too much was at stake here to spoil it all by rushing the issue.


‘I… don’t really know.’


Well, that was not exactly true, but Gibbs had not planned for Tony’s love affair turning out to be an undercover work that had developed on Tony’s side into something more complex, laced with grief and guilt and love as well – and that hurt him, because even if he did not deserve it, or return it, he wanted all of Tony’s love and attention.


‘Why didn’t you leave with Jeanne?’ he asked instead.


Tony managed a sad smile and looked up at him, catching his unguarded eyes for a moment. He frowned, no doubt pondering about what he thought he saw in that gaze, but Gibbs had put up his mask back on, quickly enough. As he had told Kate so many years ago – or so it seemed – eyes could lie.

Tony seemed to decide he would not have his answer and sighed.


‘I… really thought about leaving. I had my resignation letter ready – just in case. You know my history. I love NCIS, but I loved the police as well… So I know I stayed in your team a long while, but… Professionally, it wouldn’t have stopped me… Not really… just…’


He sighed.


‘What we had was all a lie. I had… feelings for her. But you can’t love someone properly when you feel guilty all the time.’
‘You shouldn’t have fallen in love at all…’


Well, that shouldn’t have sounded so possessive, nor so abrupt.


‘The fuck? You know better than anyone you can’t help whom you fall in love with.’


Ohhh so I do, Gibbs thought. But he said nothing.


‘Hell, Gibbs. I know I fucked up big time. But you know what? Stockholm Syndrome? Yeah I know, that was not quite it, but she was the victim in that affair, Gibbs. You know what it feels like to touch someone whom you’re lying to? How guilty you feel? I was trapped, and she was the victim from the minute Jenny asked me to do it. And she was pretty, brilliant, smart… Try spending most of your free time with a girl like her, Gibbs. Most of your free time. Whole nights, by her side. She gave me warmth. One year. Do you know how many hours that represents? And all the time, I could speak to no one – and not her – and you weren’t there… You were not there… And I couldn’t stand having to lie to you even if I had orders but in any case – you. Were. Not. There… Try that, and tell me you wouldn’t feel something for her. Perhaps I just wanted to feel something for her.’


He tilted his head up defiantly and Gibbs had to close his eyes for a second, hiding behind his ‘Whatever’ mask, before adding something.


‘So?’


So. He could not trust himself to say more.


‘So I figured I’d go with the flow… Dammit, Gibbs…’


Tony seemed about to break. He knew he wanted to say something, something more, something personal. Gibbs could feel it. Had he lost that much of Tony’s faith in him that Tony could not confide in him anymore?

But he couldn’t afford to lose Tony. So, in a gesture that surprised Tony as much as it surprised him, he crooked his arm around the younger man’s neck and pulled him towards himself, flush against his chest. He felt Tony stiffen, hold his breath, his heart race as fast as his own, bewildered, no doubt, but when he rubbed a reassuring hand on his back, shushing him softly by dropping what was not-so-much-of-a-kiss on his hair, he felt Tony give in, his tense body crumpling completely, his arms reaching tentatively to wrap around his waist. When Gibbs did not reject him, Tony pressed tighter, sighing in a way that almost sounded like a sob. Gibbs’ emotions ran too wild for him to really assess what was going on. In that instant, he did not dare to hope. Would not dare. And it was not safe yet. Not with the woman running around trying to kill them both. To kill his Tony.

Hell he would have her hide before she could do more harm.


He disentangled himself from Tony’s hug and smiled at him, running a hand through the young man’s hair in a gesture of affection.


‘You should go to bed, Tony. You should get some rest.’


Tony sighed and nodded.


‘Alright. Just help me into the wheelchair, please…’


He did so, trying very hard to keep his hands to himself – and not down Tony’s pants –, helped him up, helped him into his room, helped him disrobe and dress – something Tony was not comfortable with for some reason, but Gibbs knew he would not have liked Mike to see him practically naked all the time. It was bad enough that Tony insisted on taking his bath all alone, and deal with his underpants on his own, though given the muffled curses he would hear from the kitchen when Tony was trying to bathe or dress, it sounded as difficult as it must have been painful.


‘Good night, Tony.’
‘Good night, Gibbs. Just… Boss…’


Gibbs stopped, and turned towards the young man, giving him a mock annoyed stare.


‘Sleep, Tony. You need it.’
‘No, no, just listen. You know… Mann… I think… Well… She doesn’t know what she misses…’


Tony’s gaze did not quite meet his, staring at his eyebrows instead, like every time Tony did not feel particularly confident.

Gibbs felt warmth spreading through his belly at the implications those innocent words could have, but it was bitter as well because he knew too well that he was probably imagining things.

He smiled at Tony, nevertheless.


‘Thanks, DiNozzo. Sleep tight.’


And he shut the light, plunging Tony’s world into darkness.