The Past Returns

Disclaimer: I don't own High Moutain Rangers, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Angst, Disturbing themes

Rating: FRT


The Past Returns
Chapter 6


Matt pulled into the parking lot of the station several hours later. After leaving his mother's, he'd driven aimlessly through the county as he tried to make sense of the changes in his world. He remembered when his parents had still been together, how happy they'd all been. It had started falling apart about the time Cody was born. Before she became pregnant with Cody, his mom had been talking about going back to school as soon as Matt was a little older. She had really been looking forward to it too, but then she'd found out she was pregnant. The closer it got to her due date, the more depressed she became and when Cody was born it only grew worse. From then on it seemed his parents did nothing but argue, about everything from what to have for dinner to moving into town. As Jackie's relationship with Jesse deteriorated, she grew closer to her oldest son.

From the beginning, Matt had been a lot like his mom. Like her, he loved being around people, enjoying their company as much as his dad preferred the company of the rivers and mountains. Matt loved the outdoors too, but as his mother talked of the friends he could have if they lived in town, he found himself wanting it as much as she did. Cody on the other hand loved the mountains as much as their father, following him around like a little shadow. Looking back on it, Matt realized that there shouldn't have been any surprise when Jackie decided to move back to Tahoe, with or without her family. He loved his whole family and it tore him apart when she left, asking him to come with her. He looked between her and his dad, unable to decide, until he saw the way Cody was clinging to their dad and the tears that shimmered in his mom's eyes. He couldn't leave her alone, it wouldn't be fair or right and dad had always told him he had to do what was right. Now it seemed he'd made the wrong choice. He couldn't help thinking that if he'd stayed with dad then Cody would never have been alone at their mom's. He would've been safe, "God, no wonder he blames me."

"Who blames you boss?"

Matt jumped at the sound of Robin's voice. He wondered when she had come outside. "Nobody," he answered her, his tone short.

"Matt I'm not trying to butt in, but if there's anything you need to talk about..." she trailed off.

He sighed, "I'm sorry Robin, I shouldn't have snapped at you."

Robin shrugged, she wasn't concerned about that, "So how can I help?"

"You can't," Matt sighed. "I appreciate the offer, but this isn't something you can help with."

Robin nodded, "The offer stands if you change your mind."

"Thanks," he responded. Opening the door, he climbed out of the truck and headed inside. "Right now you can help by telling me that somebody besides Izzy cooked supper," he teased as he opened the station door.

"I heard that," Izzy called from the kitchen doorway.

"Oh no,” Matt groaned, “he did, didn't he?"

"Afraid so boss," Robin grinned. "Don't worry I made sure to get plenty of alka seltzer for dessert."

"Just for that, I shouldn't let you two have anything," Izzy threatened.

"Izzy, buddy, how many times do I have to tell you," Cutler grinned, "a threat is only good if people are afraid of it. If you really want to threaten them, tell them you'll be cooking breakfast too."

"Ha, ha, everybody's a comedian," Izzy groused as he turned back to the kitchen, mumbling complaints about being unappreciated.

Matt chuckled, glad he had come back to the station, he was feeling better already. He hadn't forgotten about the problems Cody was having, but somehow being around his friends was helping to ease the ache in his soul.



It was several hours after Matt left that Cody finally came back to the house. After crying for a long while, he'd finally ran out of tears. As he lay buried in the hay, the words his father and brother had spoken, ran through his mind. Still uncertain about Matt, he had realized that his father hadn't meant he didn't believe him. He was only reserving judgement until they could sort out what was memory and what was nightmare. Sitting down on the porch, he leaned against Jesse's leg, silently seeking comfort from the only person he'd ever been able to depend on.

Jesse laid his hand on Cody's shoulder, “Feeling any better?”

Cody wasn't sure how to answer, so he settled for a shrug. For the next several minutes he sat silently next to his dad. “Dad, what did I do wrong?”

Jesse sighed, “You didn't do anything wrong son.”

“Then why did he hurt me? Why did Matt leave? Why did Mom send me away?” he fired the questions that had been racing through his mind for the past several hours.

Jesse took a deep breath, his hands clenching the arms of the chair he sat in as he struggled to get control of his anger. “I can't answer about your mother son, I'm afraid you'll have to ask her that. But I do know that whoever hurt you did it because of something wrong with him, not because of anything you did. There is nothing any child can do that would justify being abused,” he firmly stated.

“What about Matt?”

“He didn't leave like you're thinking Cody,” Jesse quietly began. “When your mom left it was hard for Matt to decide what to do, but in the end he couldn't stand the thought of your mother being all alone.”

“That's why he left with her?”

“Yes son, he knew I'd have you, but if he stayed here too, then your mom wouldn't have anybody. I know it was hard for him to leave you behind, he loves you Cody, he always has and always will.”

“But he left,” Cody whimpered.

“I explained that to you,” Jesse sighed.

Cody shook his head, “No, I mean today. He never even came after me, nobody did.”

Jesse hung his head, his heart breaking at the misery he could hear in his son's voice. “That was my fault Cody.”

Cody looked up at him, “It was?”

“Yes,” Jesse confirmed. “I followed you to the barn, I could hear you up in the loft. I thought you would be embarrassed if you knew that your brother or I knew you were crying. He wanted to come out to the barn, I stopped him.”

“Oh,” Cody felt a little better now that he knew. “Did you tell him to leave?”

He considered lying to the boy, just this once. Mentally shaking himself, he quickly thought better of it, realizing that if Cody found out he'd lied it would only cause him more pain. “No, he said he had to get back to the station.”

“I see,” Cody whispered. He felt hollow inside, as though a piece of his soul had been ripped out. It hurt, god it hurt, he bit back a whimper as he instinctively wrapped his arms around himself.

Jesse frowned, he didn't like the dull resignation he heard in the boy's voice. “Cody, you know he has responsibilities, he can't just ignore them.”

“I know dad, it's okay, I don't blame him.” Standing up, Cody turned to go into the house, “What do you want me to start for supper?”

Jesse sighed heavily, “Why don't you peel some potatoes, I'll filet some fish.” He sadly watched his youngest go into the cabin without another word. “Damn you,” he cursed the nameless person who had hurt his boy. “I will find out who you are and when I do you're going to find out what pain is,” he promised.

Cody went inside. With robot like movements he pulled some potatoes from the bin and started peeling them. His actions were mechanical, his mind on the past. He didn't know if he wanted to try to force the memories to the surface or if he should just wait and see if he remembered anything else. A part of him wanted to remember, to know who it was that had hurt him, but another part of him was terrified of what he would learn. Then there was his mom, how could she just turn away like that? He didn't understand it at all, a mother was supposed to protect her kids, not walk away when they were hurt. She wasn't supposed to send him away! She should've sent the man who hurt him away, so why hadn't she? Did she think he deserved what had happened? Maybe he did, maybe he had done something so bad that he needed to be punished. What if he had? What if his dad found out the details about what had happened and agreed with his mom? Cody blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears from falling. In spite of his dad's assurances that he couldn't have deserved to be hurt, he was terrified that once he knew the details he'd change his mind. It didn't occur to Cody that when he remembered the details, it might prove his dad right. He just couldn't imagine a mother turning her back on her son like that, unless he'd done something to earn the punishment. It was apparent that Matt already believed his mother had done no wrong. How long before Jesse came to agree with him? Cody knew that was the real reason his brother had left today, it wasn't to get back to the station, it was to get away from him. Why shouldn't he? He was obviously worthless, some kind of bad seed that would never be good for anything. Cody froze. Where had that thought come from?

“Cody, are you okay son?”

Cody turned to see his dad standing at the counter, fileting knife in hand as he worked on the fish. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak out loud.

Jesse watched his youngest as he went back to peeling the potatoes, his movements jerky. “Are you sure?”

Cody nodded again.

Giving up for now, Jesse turned back to the fish, but he made sure to keep one eye on his son as he worked. He was relieved to see Cody's movements smoothing out a few minutes later. Whatever had caused him to freeze up had passed and Jesse found himself praying that it hadn't been another memory. He took comfort in the fact that whatever it was hadn't brought on another panic attack, giving him hope that it hadn't been a memory but only the boy getting lost in his thoughts. That wasn't unusual for Cody, he had been doing that all his life, it was only the recent revelations that had Jesse worrying about it. Thankfully the rest of the evening went by uneventfully. After supper, the two of them played a game of chess as they shared a bowl of popcorn before bed.


Heart wrenching, terrified screams, broke the peacefulness of the night. Jesse jumped out of bed, the sound of his running steps drowned out by Cody's screams as he hurried to his son's side. “Cody! Wake up son,” he ordered, grabbing the boy's shoulders and giving him a firm shake.

Cody woke with a start, cowering away from the man who loomed over him. “No...please don't,” he whimpered.

“Shhhh, it's alright son, you're safe,” Jesse soothed, ignoring the stab of pain his son's whispered plea caused.

“Dad?” He saw his father begin to nod, that was all he needed as he launched himself into his father's embrace. The feel of his dad's strong arms wrapped around him, soon had him calming down, the terror of the nightmare receding in the face of his father's strength.

“Nightmare?” Jesse needlessly asked.

“Memories,” Cody corrected.

“Are you sure?”

“I'm sure,” Cody quietly replied. “I remember everything.”

“You know who hurt you?”

Cody nodded.

“Who was it son?” Jesse gently asked.

“I can't tell you, not yet.”

Jesse drew back, his confusion clear in his green eyes, “Cody?”

“Please Dad, I don't know if I can tell it all more than once and I,” Cody paused, taking a deep breath, “need to talk to Mom. I need to know why she did it? I deserve to know how she could turn her back,” he firmly insisted.

“You're right son, you do deserve to know,” Jesse agreed. He smiled, noting the look of surprise on Cody's face. “When do you want to talk to her, and where?”

“The where is easy, her place, I don't want her here,” Cody quickly replied. “I'm not too sure about the when.”

“It's up to you son, I won't push you into something you're not ready for.”

“Do you think Matt will be there?”

“I think your brother will insist on being there, to support you.”

“You don't think he'll take her side?”

“Cody, I know Matt and your mom are close, but he's not going to take her side when she failed to protect you.”

“I hope you're right Dad,” Cody whispered. Feeling like a little kid, Cody moved back into his father's arms, resting his head on his shoulder. He sighed as his father's arms came around him again, his hands rubbing over his back, soothing his nerves and making him feel safe. “Dad?”

“Yeah son?”

“Could I sleep in your room tonight?”

Jesse didn't hesitate, “Of course.” Standing up, he moved away from the bed and waited. Throwing his arm over Cody's shoulders, he led the boy to his room. He was reminded of when Cody was younger and would climb into his bed after a nightmare. The memories of those nights merged with the here and now, leaving him wondering again how Jackie could have ever turned her back on their son.


TBC

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