Learning To Let Go

All Previous Disclaimers Apply.

Author’s Note: I have not seen all of season two quite yet, just episodes here and there, so Gideon’s failed marriage is all fabrication and speculation on my part. If there was something mentioned in an episode I didn’t see to the contrary, I apologize for the lack of continuity! As always, if you feel the need to flame, please be civil. Thank you so much!


“What am I doing here?” Jason Gideon voiced the thought he’d had nearly two dozen times just since getting out of his car and starting to walk up the driveway to the house he knew only so well, but had only visited once. He had begun walking up the drive three times, only to turn back toward his car again. He ran a hand through his hair and over his face again, as he had done six other times in five minutes. What was he doing here? This was ridiculous. He turned back to his car a final time, intent upon simply leaving.

“Dad?” Gideon froze when he heard the voice that he knew so well, and yet didn’t hear nearly as often as he wished he could. Though, he mused as he turned around slowly, he didn’t really have a right to wish such things because it was mostly due to his own reservations and hang-ups that he didn’t see his son and his family more often.

Steven looked exactly like Gideon himself had looked at his age, save for the fact that he had his mother’s light eyes and his nose turned up at the tip, just like Elaine’s. Olive skin, dark hair, crow’s feet coming in at his eyes despite his young age. Gideon could only hope that the lines on Steven’s face were more from laughter and smiling than from worry and strain, though he didn’t know that either. He seemed a little thinner than the last time Gideon had seen him and he had to wonder if Steven had been working too hard. But, then again, what did Steven even do? Looking at Steven in the doorway, his face puzzled, but not unpleasantly so, made Gideon realize . . . he didn’t know his son at all. Then again, he hadn’t spent any real time with him since he was ten or so.

His relationship with Elaine, Steven’s mother, had always been a tumultuous one, from the moment they had met in a bar after one of his first cases with the FBI, before he was with the BAU, until the moment he had come home from one of his first cases with the BAU to find his wife and his young son gone from their home, a letter on the hall table. He had never really blamed Elaine for leaving like she did. There were only very few women who could deal with the type of lifestyle having a husband in the FBI subjected them to. Elaine was not one of those women. She was a beautiful, passionate, and very loving woman who had needed more than he could provide. She had needed herself and Steven to be the most important things in his life, but that could never be. When he was home, she and Steven were his everything, but when he was in the office or out in the field, his current case had to be his everything. It was just the way it was. To give her credit, she had tried. For seven long years after Steven had been born she had stuck it out. There had even been a couple of years in there where it looked like they were going to make it. But, then, he had come home with a bullet wound to the shoulder. A wound he hadn’t even called to let her know about. He’d known that night that he’d lost her forever. She hadn’t screamed. She hadn’t thrown things. She had done something worse. She had just sat on the bed and cried softly while they spoke.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jason.” Her voice had been soft and resigned.

“I know.”

“I don’t even know if we’d be notified if you were killed. Does anyone on your team even know you have a wife and little boy?”

“I’m not sure.” He’d tried to be completely honest with her, but it wouldn’t have helped to tell her that no one on that team really knew anything personal about anyone else. Would it have helped, he wondered, if his team then had been as close and open as his team now? Would it have changed anything? Would it have made her feel more secure, knowing that others knew he loved her? Because he had loved her. He’d loved Elaine as much as he could at the time. It just wasn’t enough then. Had their relationship started today, well . . . who knew? It was better not to dwell on the past. Especially with the present staring him square in the face through Elaine’s eyes.

“Steven,” he cleared his throat uncomfortably, “I’m sorry. I know it’s late.”

“No, not at all,” Steven’s smile was surprisingly comfortable, with a little bit of happy shock to the edges, “I mean, I always leave messages with a secretary or one of your agents, but I never expected that you’d actually show up. I mean, it’s great to see you, Dad.”

There it was. That little bit of discomfort, that little bit of doubt. Not on Steven’s part, because he was still just smiling. He’d stepped out of the doorway a little, but left the door open invitingly. No, the doubt was in Gideon’s mind. There had been a period in Steven’s life, through most of high school and college, when he didn’t want to see his father at all. But, it seemed that all of the sudden one day he’d decided to understand his father, to forgive him his work love that had kept him so sparsely in his son’s life for so many years. Gideon often attributed it to Steven’s wife, a beautiful young artist who had told him at their wedding, just as he was about to leave, that life was too short. He hadn’t understood it then, but he liked to think that perhaps he was beginning to understand it now. Now that Reid was . . .

No, he didn’t want to think about it. But, then, Steven was just a year older than Reid. How would he feel if he were to discover that his son was dying tomorrow? The same way he felt about Reid. His heart was breaking but, no one would ever see. He would have to be strong for them all over the next few months. He had his time with Reid, but what of Steven? It was why he had come here tonight, even after all they had gone through today with Reid’s news. He was afraid that if he didn’t come tonight he would lose all the resolve Reid had helped him gain this afternoon as they spent hours talking about everything and nothing. Toward the end of their conversation Reid had shocked him by standing, taking the portrait of Steven and his wife on their wedding day out from behind the other pictures on his low bookshelf, and setting it on his desk, right in front of him.

“You know, Gideon, that I’ve always thought of you as the father I never really had. But, you already have a son. Don’t let him turn into a regret when he doesn’t have to be.” His face must have been shocked because all Reid did was smile and shrug, “Dying seems to have a way of making one say things one would normally keep to oneself.”

Gideon had felt the tears in his eyes, had seen them reflected in Reid’s, but both knew neither would let them fall, even as Gideon stood and put a hand to Reid’s shoulder, “Way I see it, I have two sons, Reid.”

“I know,” Reid had smiled, a true smile that Gideon couldn’t help but reflect, “I just don’t want you to regret knowing one and not the other when the one will be leaving you sooner.”

“Dad, is everything all right?”

“Yeah, Steven, everything’s fine,” As he walked toward his son, Gideon remembered the message left on his desk, asking him to a dinner party with Steven and his wife, “I’m sorry I’m late. And I should have brought wine or something . . .”

“No, Dad, not at all. I’m just thrilled you’re here. We already told everyone else, so, I guess I’ll just tell you now. Willa’s pregnant. I’m gonna be a dad.”
Gideon smiled and moved into the embrace his son offered, “That’s really great, son. I’m so pleased for you both.”

“Are you sure you’re okay, Dad? You seem a little off.”

“Not at all,” Gideon put an arm around his son’s shoulder, “I’m great. Now.”

“Dad,” Steven smiled, but there was determination in his eyes, “You don’t have to be a profiler to know you’re lying.”

“There is something,” Gideon finally assented, “But, I’ll tell you later. Right now is for you. Take me inside so I can congratulate Willa.”

“Okay. If you say so. We were kind of hoping that you and mom would . . .”

Gideon kept his arm around his son’s shoulders and simply basked in being in his company as they walked into the house and Steven just rambled on, every inch the proud papa. His thoughts were slow and easy, calm. Tomorrow was soon enough to worry about everything. Tonight he had his son and his daughter-in-law. And he was going to be a grandfather. With death comes life, he thought, just as he kissed his daughter and hugged her close, congratulating her like he said he would. He even got a small smile from Elaine, sitting across the room. And it was enough. For now, it was enough.