Patient #082315

Session Transcript
Date: Thursday, 25 February 2005
Patient: S. Bennett #082315


Good morning, Sydney.

Let’s get right to the point, doc. The date last night could not have gone worse. So much has happened in the last couple of days that it is all just… surreal. Okay, so you know how I haven’t been sleeping and how food just sort of makes me sick. Fate is a powerfully cruel thing. Mason was conceived on Christmas day and guess what, he’s going to get a little brother or sister conceived on the exact same day. The one time I was with John on the island he managed to hit another home run. I found out after I left here on Monday so I had two days to think about what to tell John. It’s freaking ridiculous. If I weren’t so scared about the future I’d be laughing hysterically. I mean, come on. I haven’t had sex with anyone since Mason was conceived and now… BAM!

So are you going to tell John?

Yeah. I did. I had to. He was as shocked as I was and I had already had two days for the information to soak in. I just sort of dropped it like a bomb. I said, “So you know how I said I didn’t want wedding bells and baby booties? I lied. I’m pregnant and I don’t want to go through this alone. Mason – this baby – me … we all deserve more than just your spare time. It’s bad enough that Mason has lived this long not knowing who his father really is. I do not want that for this baby. We’ve had months to figure all this crap out. You are either in or you’re out, but this middle ground crap has got to stop.”


I can see why you feel the date didn’t go well.

That is an understatement. I knew I was backing him into a corner but I couldn’t stop myself. I could hear all these words coming out of my mouth and I was powerless to stop them. It was word vomit – completely uncontrollable word vomit. I accused him of only seeing Mason when it was convenient for him and that is the farthest thing from the truth. I just kept saying all these things that I knew would hurt him. It was awful.

How did he respond?

He was just stunned at first, not really saying anything. We were at dinner and it wasn’t exactly the best place to be bringing all this up, you know. He knew I was pushing his buttons, trying to make him argue with me. I think I was trying to give him a reason to leave. I don’t know why. Yes, I do. I’m scared. I kept thinking that if he does want me and Mason and this baby and then something happens and he changes his mind I won’t be able to stand it. If I just push him away now then I don’t have to deal with the disappointment later. I guess I was thinking that it’s better to not have him at all than to worry about losing him later. It was just easier to goad him into walking away. So I did. And he did. He asked for the check, paid it, and drove me home without saying a word. I felt awful. I still feel awful. If he says he wants to have a happy little family then I’m always going to feel like I pushed him into it. If he walks away, I’ll know that it was because of me. It’s a catch-22. I’ve put him in a situation where he can’t win. If I could take it all back, I would. I don’t want to do this alone but I don’t want him to feel trapped either. I am such a freaking moron. I don’t deserve someone like John. I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s leaving, especially after everything I said to him. Ugh. Just shoot me now. Then I won’t have to see him when he comes over to see Mason tomorrow. Crap. Martin’s parents are going to have a fit when they find out about all of this. How about I just stay here? Then I won’t have to see anyone at all. I can just sleep on your little couch and I won’t eat much and you won’t even know I’m here and …

Sydney, you can’t hide from this. Give John time to adjust to all of this. Give yourself time.

Are you sure I can’t just stay here?

No, Sydney, you can’t.

Fine. I’ll do it your way. But I don’t have to like it.