The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: NC17
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing:
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 56 (56/60)
The Whole Truth

Peter’s whole body jerked and he startled awake from a nightmare. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest he could feel his pulse in his neck. His breath was rapid and shallow. He hated fucking nightmares. He never really knew if they were just a bad dream or if they were one of the dreams that foretold the future. He couldn’t remember this one but he thought that Jack and Sawyer were both in it. He tried to slow down his breathing and relax, hoping that something would come back to him but the longer he was awake, the dream was gone. He lay for a long time listening to the rhythm of Sawyer’s breath, slow and easy, with an occasional moan or muttered speech escaping him. He wondered what Sawyer was dreaming about and cursed the fact that he couldn’t sleep. He felt so depressed now about everything. He finally got up and went out to the main campfire and threw four or five pieces of wood on it and stirred it so the fire sprang up again. He sat down with his back to a large log and curled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on his arms, watching the fire. After a while he saw someone come out of their tent, look around and then walk his direction. It was Kate. She apparently wasn’t sleeping any better than he was. She came around the circle and sat down next to him, close enough to touch him.

“Hey, how are you doing?” she asked quietly. “You can’t sleep either huh?”

“Actually I went to sleep but was having a bad dream and it woke me up. Couldn’t go back to sleep after that.”

“I’m sorry about everything – it’s my fault I’m sure.”

“What’s your fault?” He raised an eyebrow and lifted his head so he could see her better.

“You know. Jack beating you up. I was really upset earlier about what Sawyer had said and done with you, and I should have never told Jack what happened. I’m the reason he tore you up.”

“Get that out of your head Kate. You don’t understand all the dynamics of what goes on between Jack, Sawyer and I. If it’s anybody’s fault – it’s mine.”

“That’s not what Libby said. She said it was Jack’s fault.”

“Well Libby don’t know everything. She’s not as worldly as she thinks she is. I seriously doubt she’s ever experienced any BDSM – she doesn’t strike me as the type. I’d made a promise to Jack to do whatever he wanted of me the day Julie and I broke up. I told him I’d do anything he desired. Anything.”

“I still can’t believe Jack hurt you like that. It makes me feel like I don’t know him at all and that maybe we shouldn’t trust him.”

“Kate, don’t let it affect your relationship or your trust with Jack. That’s part of the whole point of why Jack’s able to be that way with me.”

“Okay, I don’t get it then. If he’s capable of this with you then he could do that with any of us.”

“No he couldn’t, and no he won’t. How can I explain it to you so you get it?” Peter paused and sighed, looking into the fire and then back at Kate. “I’ve grown up to associate domination, bondage, hurt and pain as foreplay and part of gay sex. What I hated as a kid and young teenager – I want now.” He looked down at the ground. “I’ve begged lovers to do the things that Jack and Sawyer will do with me. I get off on it Kate. It makes me know that I’m alive. It makes me feel something intense and real.”

“But you were upset tonight – you should have seen your face! And I could hear you crying. You weren’t okay with it.”

“Sawyer and Jack both have taken something too far when we’ve had sex, but I’ve talked with both of them and they know what’s not acceptable now. I’d told Jack that I would do anything he wanted and I’d meant it. I love Jack and Sawyer both, more than anything and I trust them both with my life. Jack’s not gonna do the things he’s done with me with anyone else on this island unless they become his lover and they get into BDSM. He’s not gonna let just anyone see that part of him.”

“Then why’d you cry?”

“Cause he took it too far this time. It was more intense than usual on every level. He hadn’t let me have a safe word and he told me upfront he wanted me to take everything he dished out. That’s scary to me – it’s like being a kid again and having no control. The safe word gives me control even if I’m totally submissive. And I got upset cause he whipped me across the face. It’s a no-no for most people into BDSM. It hurts like holy hell, and it marks you up. Makes it impossible to hide what’s going on. I think Jack wanted me marked. It’s like his coming out statement or something. He was staking his claim to me so when anybody looked at me, they’d know I’d let him do this to me. He was telling everybody he owns me.”

“He really tore you up though this time. It’s obvious what he did to you. Are you gonna deny he raped you?”

Peter broke eye contact with Kate looking into the fire. His entire demeanor changed as his eyes teared up and he sucked on his lip. She’d asked him about the one thing that had bothered him the most. She reached up and ran her fingers through his long hair. He had lost the bravado of downplaying what had happened. He was upset enough he couldn’t answer.

“You were already torn up from sex earlier weren’t you? Sawyer said you probably begged Jack to not fuck you.”

He wiped at his eyes. “Sawyer’s raped me before too Kate. I’d said no but he did it anyway. Sawyer’s not a damn saint.”

“But this hurt you worse didn’t it? You’re more upset cause it was Jack.” She looked at Peter and her heart ached for the misery he was in, the denial he kept trying to believe.

“He’s almost destroyed the trust and the feeling of safeness I felt with him. That’s what’s so hard for me to have with anyone. It’s damaged now. But I still love him Kate even though I’m heartbroken. I don’t want him punished though cause I’m to blame too, in a lota ways. People don’t understand how badly messed up I am or what I’ve been through that’s made me this way. I’ve talked about it before.” Peter paused briefly. “You got any idea what its like to be a kid or teenager and be abused and raped repeatedly by your own father and what that does to you?” Kate gasped and put her hand to her mouth. Peter looked wide eyed into her eyes and saw it on her face. “Oh Christ… I’m so sorry Kate. God I… didn’t mean it like that… forgive me! You never said…” The look on her face made him cry and he knew right then that she’d lived through abuse and rape by her father too. That had been the real reason she had blown him up. Peter grabbed Kate by the shoulders and pulled her to him. She was crying too but so shocked by what he had asked she just allowed him to wrap his arms around her. He held her tightly as they both wept. After a while Kate pushed back gently from him.

“Don’t you ever tell anyone about me Peter or I swear to God…” she whispered. He was already shaking his head no.

“I won’t tell Kate. I know first hand what it’s like to have people knowing a secret like that. I promise.” He reached up and stroked the tears from her face with his thumb. She gave a little embarrassed smile.

“What are you going to do Peter?”

“I don’t know. I’m real depressed, worried and anxious. I don’t know what to do or say to Jack and now I feel pressure from Sawyer and Sayid and I’m worried they’ll hurt him as some kind of retribution.”

“Maybe you should talk to Libby in the morning and see what she suggests.”

Peter looked down at his hands and sighed. “I got an idea what she’s gonna say and I don’t think I’m gonna like it.”

“She’s more objective than Sawyer, Sayid or even me. You should give her a chance and listen to what she’s got to say.”

Peter nodded, leaned back and wiped his face gingerly. He looked so exhausted and devastated. Kate took his hand in hers, turned it over and absentmindedly traced the lines in his hand.

“You want to sleep in my tent tonight? You’re welcome to snuggle ‘til you get to sleep,” Kate offered.

Peter thought about it a moment and surprised her. “Sure, I would like to actually. I was having nightmares in my tent and couldn’t get back to sleep. And I’m still pissed some at Sawyer too. I’d probably be more relaxed with you tonight if that’s alright. You sure it’s okay?”

Kate shook her head yes. “It’s okay. I’d like to sleep next to you. I’m worn out too.” Kate stood up and offered him a hand up. He knew Sawyer wouldn’t like it, but at the moment he was pissed at Sawyer and wanted to be nurtured by Kate. He followed her into her tent and she slipped out of her jeans. He stood by awkwardly. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I… I sleep in the buff usually Kate. But I can sleep with my jeans on if you want. You know I don’t wear underwear usually.”

Kate smiled. “I’m not worried about you. We’re both worn out. Slip them off and get into bed. It’ll be okay.” He pulled off his clothes and got down in the bed with her. She turned over on her left side and he curled around her body and pulled up against her. He snuggled up against her and forced himself to relax. He absolutely didn’t need to be getting aroused tonight. His life was complicated enough at the moment. He just wanted to hold and be held. He draped his arm around her waist and she took his right hand in her hers and just held it.

“Sweet dreams,” she whispered. He prayed they would be.

When he woke the next morning Kate was up already and out of the tent. Peter stretched and got up and slipped his jeans, t-shirt and shoes back on before walking outside. He was headed back over to Sawyer’s shelter when he realized that Sawyer was sitting outside and had seen him come out of Kate’s tent.

“So after everything else, you decided you needed a little nookie last night when you left our bed?”

“Don’t start! Sawyer!” Peter sighed and held his head. He had a tremendous headache. Probably from all the stress he was feeling he thought.

“Fucking Kate all yesterday afternoon wasn’t enough? You had to get some more last night too?”

“I swear to God, Sawyer shut up. You’ve got the sensitivity of a rock sometimes.”

Sawyer frowned at him. “And this from a man who left my bed to go to a woman’s bed and sleep with her, knowing it would upset me.”

“I’m fucking sorry if it upset you. I had a nightmare last night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I got up and came out to the fire. I was real upset and talked with Kate some. I just needed some support. We slept together and that’s all that happened. No sex, no sexual touching. Just sleeping.” Peter rubbed his head and then gently caressed his stomach. Not only was his head killing him but he suddenly felt very queasy and nauseous. “I need some water I think.”

Sawyer backed off. Peter was very pale and didn’t look good. He was looking around. He walked over to a nearby tree, dropped to his knees, grabbed his stomach and threw up. Sawyer went and got a bottle of water and a small towel, wet it and was going to hand it to Peter who threw up some more. “Oh God,” he said quietly. “I almost never throw up.” Sawyer put the back of his hand to Peter’s forehead.

“You don’t feel feverish. You eat anything different yesterday?”

“Ate at the hatch last night, but it seemed good. Jack and Locke ate it too, so if it was the food, we’d all be getting sick. Before that I had breakfast.”

“Damn, you’re not eating enough.” Sawyer took the wet towel and held it to his forehead.

“I don’t wanna talk about food. I think I’m gonna be sick again.” Peter threw up a third time. “My head’s killing me too. I woke up with a hell of a headache and the throwing up is not helping it any.”

“Maybe you’ve got a migraine that’s causing it or maybe stress. Shit, you coulda caught something or could have food poisoning. Can I get you anything to make you more comfortable?”

“Yeah, a gun to put me outa my misery.”

“That ain’t funny Pete,” Sawyer said seriously.

“Oh God, I hate feeling nauseous. I’d rather do about anything else. My stomach is really bothering me…” He spun around on his knees and threw up a fourth time. “Oh God if I keep this up maybe Jack better look at me.”

“I don’t think Jack better get anywhere near you or me for that matter.”

Peter sat back down and leaned against the tree. “You and Sayid both better leave Jack the hell alone. I’m not kidding. This is between him and me. Just like when you hurt me it was between the two of us Sawyer.” Peter held the wet cloth to his forehead. “I think you’re most pissed cause he marked me across my face and neck like he owned me and everybody will know it now.”

“No, I’m pissed cause he hurt and raped you and broke your heart. The way you cried last night hurt me too. You were devastated Pete and he oughta have to pay for it.”

Peter sighed heavily. “I hit him Sawyer, as hard as I could.”

“Yeah, right. You hit Jack.”

“No, I really did. After he flogged me and unhooked the shackles, I hit him as hard as I could in the jaw. Made him bleed too. He didn’t stop though.”

“Huh, I didn’t think you’d ever do that. But he still kept going?”

“Didn’t phase him I don’t think, but I felt better about it.”

“Maybe you oughta really pay him back and do exactly what he did to you. That might make him not take advantage of you that way again.”

Peter shook his head and laughed. Sawyer looked at him as though he was losing his mind, “Why are you laughin’?”

“Jack said he wanted me to do it to him in the future. I told him I didn’t think he’d stand for pain that intense or abuse like that. He said he would.”

“Well, if you can’t do it, I think Sayid and I will give him some of his own medicine so to speak.”

“Sawyer, I don’t want the two of you messing with Jack. I’m gonna talk to him.”

“I think you oughta break up with him and I’ll bet that Libby says the same thing Pete. You’ve gotta take care of yourself at some point. He’s gotta have some kind of punishment for this and breakin’ up with him would hurt him and make him think about how he treated you. You think about it or talk with Libby about it and see what she says.”

“Oh God I feel like shit. I don’t wanna talk about this any more and I want to you to drop it.” Peter spun back around and wretched but threw up nothing. “Oh Jeez I don’t have anything left in me.” Sawyer handed him the water bottle and he rinsed out his mouth and spit it out.

“You know since you get so anxious, this could be nerves makin’ you throw up. I think you should go lie down or lay back. Maybe sip on a little water and try to relax. You want me to help you into my tent?”

Peter shook his head no.

“I’m goin’ to go find Libby so you can talk to her. You’re very anxious and I’ll bet that’s why you’re throwing up.”

“I don’t wanna talk to her right now. I feel sick.”

“Cause you’re afraid she’s gonna tell you the truth and you don’t wanna hear the truth. You’re upset and you need to talk with her.”

“Sawyer, please don’t do that!” Peter pleaded but Sawyer was already striding off to look for Libby.

Peter got up off the ground and walked over to one of the logs near the campfire. He sat down carefully and drank some of the water Sawyer had brought him. He was trying to decide how he could avoid what was getting ready to occur. He frowned as he saw Julie his ex-girlfriend making a straight path towards him. He’d hoped she would mind her own business and not get involved in this.

“Hi Peter. How are you doing this morning?” Julie asked concerned.

“I’m nauseous but other than that…” he stopped. She knew he wasn’t okay. She knew more about him than anyone else on the island.

“You were throwing up weren’t you? You’re really anxious about all this with Jack aren’t you?”

“I just want everyone to butt out of my business. It’s between Jack and me.” He grimaced as he saw Sawyer and Libby come around the side of a tent and head in their direction. He clutched his stomach. “I don’t want you here Julie. You need to leave.”

“That’s the rudest you’ve ever been to me Peter, but it just makes me more determined to stay here,” said Julie.

Sawyer and Libby walked up at the end of what she was saying.

“Well, this is gonna be a private conversation. So maybe you better leave. I think you gave up your rights when you threw Pete outa your tent girl.” Sawyer squinted his eyes and smiled at Julie.

Libby shook her head, “Wait. Why do you want to stay Julie? This really is something that shouldn’t concern you.”

“Because I still really care about Peter and there are things I’ll bet he hasn’t told you that you should know.” Julie looked earnest.

“You need to leave Julie. I don’t want you talkin’ to Sawyer, Libby or Jack. Just go!” Peter’s anxiety had gone even higher.

“Are they things that would impact whatever outcome there is with this?” Libby asked.

“I think so. There are things I think he’s not shared with you that you should all know. Jack too.”

“No, I don’t want you here. I don’t want you in this conversation. Anything you know about me you keep to yourself Julie!” Peter was adamant.

“I’d like to know what it is that Julie thinks we need to know Peter. Let’s let her talk some. But maybe we need to move up the beach some so whatever we discuss will be private.” Libby was watching Peter trying to judge why he was so insistent on Julie not talking. She hoped it would be important enough to be putting Peter through this.

“I don’t want to be ganged up on like this. You’re blowing this all out of proportion. I’m gonna talk to Jack. We’ll work things out.” Peter was shaking his head no.

“Come on Pete. If you don’t come, we’re gonna talk without you. And we may decide what we’re gonna do if you don’t. If you come you can say what’s on your mind too.” Sawyer wanted to hear what Julie had to say now. He took Peter by the hand and gave him a gentle pull.

“Christ! I don’t wanna do this.” Peter was upset but couldn’t think of how he could stop it. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

They walked a distance up the beach to a small clearing in the trees where there had been another campfire and sat on some logs and rocks that were spread around it. Peter was breathing more rapidly and was pale.

Libby started first, “Peter, we want to discuss what happened yesterday afternoon and whether anything needs to be done because of it. You were extremely upset last night and you may still not be thinking clearly or rationally.”

“There isn’t anything that needs to be done. Jack and I have an understanding and I’ll talk with him. I’ll be okay.”

“I don’t think anyone here believes you’re okay or that things will spontaneously improve. What happened with you and Jack yesterday is against the law and you’ve been traumatized by it and you’re in denial trying to cope with it.”

“We’re not in the United States. There’s no law here. We’re lost on a fucking island in the middle of nowhere. What Jack and I do is our business. We’re consenting adults.” Peter looked at Julie, afraid she was going to speak. “Don’t you fucking say anything Julie! I swear to God I won’t forgive you.”

Libby felt her gut tighten up. She was worried this was going to be even worse than she’d imagined.

“What??? What is it that’s so damn bad you’re worried she’s gonna tell us?” Sawyer was very concerned.

In the meantime, Jack had walked into the beach camp back down the beach and was greeted with stares and hard looks. He said hello to a couple of people who had just glared at him and not even responded. He knew immediately that word of what he’d done to Peter had leaked out. As he walked across the settlement looking for Peter, Kate walked up to him.

“Hi Jack. I’m surprised you’d show your face here after what you did yesterday. You know the word is out. You’ve hurt your repetition badly.” Kate wanted to talk to him further. She was pissed he’d treated Peter so shoddily and wanted him to know what it had done to Peter.

“I don’t care about my repetition Kate. I’m the only doctor you’ve got. People can boycott my services if they want too. Where’s Peter?” Jack was looking about, hunting him.

“Why’d you do it Jack? You got pissed because of what I said didn’t you? I caused you to beat him up and rape him.” Kate grabbed his arm. She wanted an answer.

“It’s not that straightforward Kate. We do BDSM together; it just got out of hand. But I’m not going to ever let it get that out of control again. I know I really hurt him. I’ve begged him for forgiveness and told him he can punish me in retribution for it. I’m just worried about him. I couldn’t sleep last night from worrying.”

“You should have seen his face. Sawyer took off Peter’s shirt in front of the campfire last night and confronted him in front of Libby, Julie, and I. And Sayid walked up and got an eye and ear full too. It was very public humiliation and he was really ashamed Jack. He kept trying to make excuses for you.”

“Oh Christ! I should know Sawyer would make things even worse.” Jack shook his head.

“You should be ashamed Jack and should pay for this somehow. In my whole life, I’ve never heard a man cry like Peter did last night. You’ve virtually destroyed his trust in you. He loves you. You broke his heart you bastard.”

Jack wiped his eyes. “I know what I’ve done and you’re right I should be punished. But we both still don’t want to give each other up. I’ll do whatever I need to now for him. Where is he Kate? I’ve got to see him.”

Kate frowned and pointed up the beach at the area they were sitting. “They’re right up there. What do you think they’re talking with him about?” She knew that was mean, but she was still so angry with him.

“Well, I’m going up there and face the music. They need to be talking with me too, not just Peter.”

“You better watch it Jack. A few of the men want to punish you like you did him. You may get beat up and raped yet yourself. Sawyer’s mad enough to tear you up and so is Sayid.”

“I’ll have to deal with the consequences as they occur. I’m going up there right now.” Jack turned and started into a jog towards the group.

Back at the circle, Libby and Julie were facing back towards the camp and saw Jack jogging towards them. Julie decided to hold off until Jack joined them. It might be a moot point anyway if Sawyer got a hold of him first.

Jack arrived at the group and heard Sawyer’s last statement about hearing what Julie had to say about Peter. Libby stood up, “Everyone stay seated. I think Jack’s joining us.”

Sawyer and then Peter both stood up. “What the fuck are you doin’ here Jack? You gotta lotta nerve comin’ here. I’d like to beat the shit outa you,” Sawyer was moving aggressively towards Jack, but Peter was between them immediately.

“If you care anything about me you’ll sit down Sawyer. Don’t you lay a finger on Jack. You’ve done me just as badly.” Peter pushed Sawyer back away from Jack. Sawyer backed up and sat back down on the log.

“Sit down next to me Peter,” Sawyer ordered. Peter sat back down on the log but was watching Jack.

“I’m sorry, but I figured this was about Peter and me. I want to be part of this meeting,” Jack said while trying to catch his breath.

“Why don’t you sit down Jack? You’re right about what we’re talking about. What you did to Peter yesterday afternoon has been very traumatic for him and we want to talk about it. He’s been so anxious and upset he’s been throwing up this morning.”

“Oh Christ,” Peter said grimacing. Everything always sounded so much worse coming from Libby’s mouth.

“Julie’s here because she said she had something to talk with us about regarding Peter.”

“I don’t want Julie here any longer. I’ll talk to you three, but I don’t want her here. She’s not involved in this.” Peter was trying hard to get her to leave. “Please leave Julie… Please?”

“I’m really worried about you and what decisions might be made. They might make decisions that don’t take the whole truth into consideration. I’m pretty sure you haven’t been forthcoming about everything.” Julie looked at Libby and then Jack.

“You mean Peter’s withheld information or he’s lied to us at times?” Sawyer asked. Peter had already told him that he lied sometimes if he felt he needed to. Peter put his face into his hands and shook his head.

“Both probably. I might need to ask you what he’s told you, but some I already know.” Julie looked at Peter who looked like he was getting more upset.

“Oh God, please Julie. I’m beggin’ you to stop. Don’t do this. I’ll go off the deep end.” Peter was breathing hard, fast and shallow and clutching his stomach again.

“That’s what I’m worried about Peter. They need to know how things really stand. I’m tryin’ to protect you so they’ll treat you better. I know it’s gonna upset you and maybe them. But they all need to know.” Julie looked cheerless as she spoke.

“Why don’t you tell us so it’s out in the open and we can talk about it,” Libby suggested.

Peter put his face back into his hands again and moaned, “I can’t believe this is fucking happening to me.”

“First off. I didn’t know if you all were aware that Peter was on two separate medications, one for depression and one for anxiety when we crashed here. He ran out six weeks ago, so they’re probably both out of his system about now. His psychiatrist considered him high risk for suicide or attempts even on his meds. Anything y’all come up with regarding Jack and him will need to take that into consideration.”

“I knew he was high risk, just from previous attempts and the fact he’s depressed and anxious both, but I appreciate you telling us about the meds and how long he’s been off them. You’re right they’re out of his system now.” Libby looked very concerned. “Is there anything you want to say Peter?” He shook his head no and didn’t look up.

“Did you tell any of them about your rich boyfriend in Connecticut and what you did with him?” Julie asked. “He was the last boyfriend Peter had before he met me back in Tennessee.” Jack shook his head yes.

“Peter said he gave him a red Mustang convertible,” Jack answered. Sawyer’s eyebrows went up.

“Do you want to tell them?” Julie asked. Peter shook his head no again.

“Peter may have mentioned he drank heavily while he was with him. But what he probably didn’t tell you was that his lover kept him supplied and got him addicted to cocaine while he was living with him. Peter was so bad off I had him admitted to the hospital to get him off it.”

Libby, Jack and Sawyer all looked in shock. “He never mentioned that,” Sawyer said quietly.

“Well, I’m not surprised,” Julie responded. “His sins of omission are the worst sometimes.”

“Did you lie to us about what your father did to you?” Jack asked, verbalizing what the others were thinking.

Peter shook his head no, “He did everything I told you and then some. I didn’t make any of that up.”

Julie shook her head yes agreeing with him. “He’s told you the truth I’m sure about the things his old man did to him and what happened when his old man broke outa prison. Unfortunately, he’s been very abused, which makes it all the worse that Jack hurt him like that.”

Jack looked sorrowful like he might cry. He was obviously regretful and hurting.

“Peter hides a lot of what he’s goin’ through and he hides how badly he’s coping sometimes. He’s been holding things together better than I would have thought these last few weeks. I think some of that may have been due to Jack and their relationship and his fear of lettin’ Jack down.”

“What do you mean? What has he done in the past that he’s not doing right now?” Libby asked this time.

“Oh Jeez, just stop. They don’t need to hear how sick I’ve been. Please…” Peter was looking in Julie’s eyes.

Julie looked at him. “You willing to take your shirt off for a couple of minutes?”

“Oh fuck, don’t tell ‘em that.”

“Then maybe you should tell them. You’ve been doin’ pretty good but they should know.”

Peter shook his head no sadly, but began unbuttoning his shirt. Everyone cringed when he removed it. The stripes from his flogging yesterday were still very visible.

“You all saw this last night. What’s this going to prove?” Jack asked.

“I’m surprised you didn’t figure it out Jack. You’re a doctor and you never noticed.”

“Oh nooo… How could I have missed that?” Libby’s hand went to her mouth and her eyes were wider. She hadn’t seen it before either. But she saw it now.

“Fucking hell,” Peter went to put his shirt back on, but Sawyer stopped him. He still didn’t know what Libby had figured out.

“What??? What???” Sawyer asked. Jack was holding his head in his hands too. He’d only just figured it out. “What the fuck are you seeing? Tell me!” Sawyer entreated.

Peter couldn’t stand it any longer, “Oh God. Why did you have to bring this up Julie?” He paused. “If I get too fucking anxious I cut myself sometimes.” He hadn’t wanted anyone on the island to know he’d ever done this but especially not Jack. He glanced at Jack’s face and started putting his shirt back on and buttoning it up.

Julie looked down at the ground; sad about letting this secret out but she was concerned he was going to do it again if he and Jack broke up. “About 2/3’s of the cut marks are from Peter and 1/3 were from his old man. If he gets anxious enough he’ll cut himself just enough to make himself bleed. That’s why most of the cut marks are where Peter can reach readily with his right hand and in places that are not as visible normally.”

Peter’s shoulders were slouched. “I haven’t done that in a long while… Just go away Julie. You’ve already ruined my fucking life.”

“He’s lied to you all about somethin’ pretty important.”

“Shut up or I swear to God I’ll hurt you…” His vehemence surprised them all.

“Let her talk Peter,” Jack said firmly.

“How long ago did he tell you he killed his father in self defense?”

“Oh Jeez,” Peter moaned.

“Almost nine years ago.” Sawyer answered this time. Libby was shaking her head no again. She already knew where this was going because she had suspected it. This was the most explosive secret of all and had the potential of breaking up all of Peter’s relationships.

“I know Peter very well. I’m sure everything he’s told you is the truth but for one area that he’s lied to you all consistently about.”

“What is it you’ve lied about Peter?” Jack asked.

Peter wouldn’t look up initially, but then he finally did and he looked back and forth between both Jack and Sawyer. “I love both of you so much. Please, please don’t leave me. I won’t be able to take it. I won’t be able to live. I’ll fucking kill myself. Please forgive me. I thought you’d never love me if you knew.”

“God Almighty, what is the secret?” Sawyer looked back over at Julie.

Julie looked like she wanted to bawl too. “He’s lied about his timelines, when things happened.”

Sawyer was frowning, “You mean like he didn’t kill his father nine years ago?”

Julie shook her head no. “Okay, like an idiot, I’m asking you both cause I still care about him - don’t walk away from him. Please treat him better. He’s been through so much. That’s the reason I’ve told you how messed up he’s been and how fragile he is. He needs you more than you know.”

“So what’s the big deal? It was more recent than nine years ago…” Sawyer said, still not comprehending what she was saying.

Julie stood up preparing to leave them. “His birthday is coming up next month in December.”

“Oh God, why didn’t you say something Peter?” Libby’s eyes were large. She knew what Julie was going to say for sure. Peter was trembling and crying, scared, looking back and forth between them.

Julie walked around behind her rock and took a few steps. She was going to tell them and bolt. “He’s had the hardest life of anyone I’ve known and it shows. He looks older than he is.” Julie looked each one of them in the face and paused one last time gathering courage before dropping the bomb.

“Peter’s only seventeen years old! He’ll be eighteen next month. You’ve been fucking, raping and doing BDSM with an underage male!”

“What the fuck??? Holy shit!” Then it was totally quiet as shock settled in. Peter looked and Sawyer’s mouth was hanging open. Jack had turned as white as a sheet, was holding his chest and didn’t appear to be breathing. Julie turned and ran. She didn’t want to see the fallout.

“Oh Christ, I shoulda known,” Sawyer smacked his forehead with his hand. “You’ve got the damn sex drive and stamina of a teenager and emotionally you’re still a teenager too! This sure explains a lot. You’re so experienced you totally had me fooled.”

Libby stood up and touched Peter reassuringly on the shoulder but walked over to Jack who she was concerned about. “Are you okay Jack? You don’t look so good.”

Jack moaned and shook his head no. “I wasn’t expecting this. I’m tight in the chest and my heart is physically hurting. God! Why didn’t you tell us early on Peter? Why’d you let things go so far?” Jack was so upset he was worried he was going into a heart attack. He was trying desperately to relax. He knew that if they’d been in the United States both he and Sawyer would go to prison for what they’d done with him.

“I’m eighteen in three weeks. I was afraid neither of you would have anything to do with me if you knew my real age, though age don’t matter to me. I need both of you and I love both of you. You haven’t done anything with me that I haven’t done many times with other lovers. Please don’t let that change your mind about me. You’re all I’ve got in this world. Please don’t abandon me. I’m begging you both.”

Libby took Jack’s other wrist and felt for his pulse and checked it. “Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth Jack and try to slow down your breathing and heart rate. It’s just the shock. You should be okay in a few minutes.” Libby stood back up and went back and sat down. “I know you don’t always think consequences through and you view the world in a different way than most people, but you’ve put both Jack and Sawyer in a bad position Peter. You’re underage still. They could go to prison for fooling around with you, especially for having non-consensual sex with you.”

Jack moaned again and bent over and held his head in his hands. He’d thought Peter might have been younger than 26 but he’d had no idea he was only 17. He felt like his whole life and career was flashing before his eyes.

Peter started talking again, “We’ve done the things we have because of our love, desire and lust for each other. I’ll never tell and I’ll never press charges. I’ll never testify if you or anyone else tries to bring charges against them Libby. I’ll lie if I have to. It’s my fault they thought I was older. I lied cause I needed them both and I’d do it all again. Only Julie and the three of you know, and she’ll never tell anyone else. I don’t want this to change anything between us. I’m still the same and I still want, love and desire you two. Please don’t break up with me. Shit, if we were off the island we could be living together as lovers openly in three weeks. And Julie’s right, my life has been hard and I do look and act a lot older than my age.”

Sawyer reached over and took him by the hand, “I ain’t leavin’ you Peter. You’re a lot younger than I knew, but that don’t change how I feel about you or what we have together. It’d take more than that to drive me away.” Peter smiled fully at Sawyer and then looked over at Jack who was still pale as a sheet.

“What are you thinkin’ Jack?” Peter was afraid to ask given Jack’s extreme reaction.

“I’m so sorry about what I put you through yesterday. I had no idea you were so young Pete. I’d have never done that to you if I’d known your real age. I think it would do us both some good if we broke off physical relations for those three weeks until your birthday. We both need to get our heads straight. I need to slow down and consider what I’ve done, and I think I’ll talk with Libby myself so it doesn’t happen again. Plus, that’ll give you some time to heal and maybe forgive me. We can still talk, but no sex for you and me til you’re legal.”

“That sounds like a good idea Jack. I was going to propose to Peter that you both break it off for a few weeks so you’d both have time to think and talk about what happened. Do you think you can go along with that Peter? The two of you cool it, with no sexual contact until your birthday. You both can decide then where things should go.”

“Maybe you’re right, though it’ll be hard. I really don’t wanna wait that long but it might be a good thing. I need to rebuild trust with you.” Peter didn’t like it, but he’d feared Libby was going to say they should break up permanently. Maybe some of what Julie had shared had changed Libby’s mind.

“Okay then. I want you both to talk with me separately some between now and then. I’m still very concerned Peter about the amount of denial you have and how you’re doing emotionally. You’ll get together with me so we can talk right?”

Peter nodded and said yes. “Can we quit now? I think maybe I should go eat something. I’m not as anxious and I feel real empty.” Libby nodded as they all got up and headed back down the beach towards the campsites. She mulled it over in her head how things on an island in the middle of nowhere could be so complicated and go to hell so easily.