The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: NC17, M/M slash, voyeurism
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing: Sawyer/Peter
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 51 (51/60)
A Moonlight Talk

As they approached the camp Peter thanked Libby for talking with him and he headed off towards Sawyer’s tent. Sawyer was sitting outside his tent, propped up reading with the last light of the day. He put the book down as Peter approached him. “Hey.”

“Hey Sawyer.” Peter didn’t look happy Sawyer thought. He actually looked sort of anxious.

“You didn’t eat anything. I waited for you to get back so we could eat together. Come sit down and have supper with me.” Sawyer was watching him carefully, trying to gauge his mood.

Peter nodded and came and sat down, “Thanks for waiting on me to eat, though you didn’t have to do that.” Sawyer uncovered a plate and handed it to him with a bottle of water.

“Yeah, I did have to do that. You wanted to eat with me, so I waited.” Sawyer started eating his own plate of food. He noticed the guilty expression that went across Peter’s face. He knew he’d made his point, but he hated to see Peter so conflicted. Peter started eating slowly.

They didn’t talk much as they ate but Sawyer had already made up his mind to ask Peter what he and Libby had talked about afterwards. When they finished Sawyer suggested they take a walk down the beach since it was going to be a pretty night with the full moon. Sawyer slipped his arm around Peter as they walked. They walked for half an hour without speaking but as the approached some rocks high on the beach Sawyer suggested they sit for a while and watch the tide. The full moon lit the beach bright enough to almost read. Sawyer sat down first. He patted the sand right night to him and when Peter sat down he pulled him over closer, and took both his hands in his. Peter liked the closeness but had his fears confirmed when Sawyer wanted to talk with him.

“I know you said you had to talk to Libby, Pete, but I’m worried about you and I’m begging you to talk to me too. I’ll try to listen to whatever you wanna say and not be judgmental about it. Please talk to me and tell me what’s going on with you. I wanna be here for you, but I’m not a mind reader.” Sawyer caressed the side of Peter’s face with his hand. He could see Peter’s eyes tear up in the moonlight.

Peter sighed heavily. “It ain’t easy to talk about it. And I don’t think you are gonna understand some of it and it’s liable to make you mad and I don’t think I can handle that right now.”

“If anything you wanna say makes me mad, then we can talk about it more. If you shut me out, I feel like you don’t love me or trust me enough to tell me the bad stuff. I’m not just here for the good days. What were y’all talking about?”

Peter tried to pull away but Sawyer held his hands tighter. “Don’t pull away now. Stay like this.” Sawyer whispered.

“Fuck,” Peter said quietly. Sawyer could tell he was upset and struggling with himself. Peter looked out at the ocean. “I’m ashamed and I’m scared.” He said it so quietly Sawyer almost didn’t hear him.

“Of what Pete? What are you scared of?” Sawyer asked.

“Of losing you. I’m so fucked up and I’m fixing to go off the deep end.”

“Is that what you were talking about? You feel like you’re losing control?”

“I don’t have control Sawyer. Of anything. I been used all my life and I’ve never felt like I had any control over what happens to me. What little control I thought I had, those six men took it from me. I know now I’m gonna be fucked up the rest of my life. I’ll never be normal.”

“Well I ain’t normal either Pete, but you seem like you’re basically doing okay. What’s going on that you feel like you’re going off the deep end?”

Peter wiped a tear from his face and looked down. “I ain’t been doing so hot and I’ve been hiding it from you and Jack. I didn’t want you to know, but Libby’s pushing me to be more upfront with you even if it pisses you off.”

“Well, I agree with Libby. We’ve both gotten pissed at each other, but we got over it and haven’t left each other. I wanna know what you’re going through. Tell me damn it.”

“I’ve been real depressed and I’ve…” Peter paused, “been having crying jags – long ones I have trouble stopping.”

“Well, you’ve been doing a good job covering that up. I thought you were depressed but I didn’t know you were having crying spells. You’re not thinking about harming yourself are you?”

“Some, yeah. I’m in so much fucking pain I almost can’t stand it. It’s not just depression, but I’m having problems with anxiety too. That’s gonna be what’s causing me the most problems.”

“Why Pete?”

“Cause of how I get with it. How I cope with it trying to control so I don’t feel it.”

“How do you try to control so you don’t feel anxious?”

Peter looked him in the eyes. “You know Sawyer. Think about it. How have I coped in the past so I felt like I was in control?”

Sawyer was thinking but still wasn’t putting it together.

Peter broke eye contact and looked out at the large full moon over the ocean. “I get real anxious and I revert to my same old ways.” He looked in Sawyer’s eyes again. “I start jerking off a lot and then I start trying to screw anybody that’ll fuck me. I’m promiscuous – remember? It makes me feel less anxious.” He felt Sawyer’s body tense up. “Shit, I knew I shouldn’t tell you. You’re upset now. I told Libby I shouldn’t tell you, but she kept pushing me to tell you the truth.” Peter jerked his hands free from Sawyer and stood up quickly. Sawyer was on his feet right behind him and grabbed both his arms and held him.

“Don’t you walk away from me Pete. I wanted you to be honest with me. I don’t know what’s going through your head unless you tell me. I never thought about you jerking off or having sex as your way of coping with being anxious. What did Libby say about all of this?”

Peter tried to pull away again but Sawyer held onto his arms. “She said I needed to not give in so easily to my old pattern of being promiscuous that it could break us up. It’s real damn easy to say something like that but I’ve never been able to break the damn pattern Sawyer. I’ve had traumatic shit happen to me all my life since I was a kid, and ever since I was a teenager I’ve done the same thing. Nobody ever stayed with me long term. They always gave up on me – they never understood it’s a damn compulsion.” Peter put his arms around Sawyer. “I’m so damn depressed and anxious and I know how I’m gonna be. I don’t want to lose you Sawyer, I love you so much.”

Sawyer held him close and thought about what Peter had talked about. “I think we need to talk with Jack too, and then maybe we could talk with Libby to see how we could help you to control this.”

Peter moaned, “Have you heard me at all? I don’t have any damn control over it.”

“Libby seems to think you could have control, maybe she’d have some ideas of how we could help you. Aren’t you willing to try Pete?”

“I’m willing to try to control it or find some other ways to cope with it. But I’ve failed every damn time in the past. Do you love me enough to stick with me if I fail?”

“I think so, but I’m gonna help you overcome this and control it if you’ll just keep trying and don’t give up on us. Let’s head back up the beach to our tent. Maybe we can talk to Libby tomorrow.”

They walked back towards the main campsite. Sawyer kept trying to loosen Peter up, but he was still anxious. Peter wanted to go and sit out by a fire before they turned in for the evening, so they picked up some wood along the jungles edge as they returned. They went over to the main campfire which was getting lower and threw a few pieces of wood on it. Peter sat down against a log and was surprised when Sawyer sat on the log behind him straddling him with his legs.

“What?” Sawyer asked, “I want to have contact with you is all. People need to get used to seeing us together.” Sawyer stroked the side of Peter’s face and rested his hands on his shoulders.

“Be careful Sawyer, don’t make a spectacle of us. You’ll alienate any of the straight men.” Peter cautioned.

“You mean like sucking you off in front of them?” Sawyer grinned.

“That’s not funny. You’ll get us killed yet.”

Sawyer answered by reaching down and kissing him on the neck and running his tongue over to his ear. Peter sighed. Maybe it was better not to bring it up again. Peter pulled his knees up towards himself and leaned back against Sawyer. It wasn’t long until Libby came over and sat down nearby and asked how they were doing this evening. They both said they were doing fine, but she thought Peter still seemed a little stressed. It looked as though Sawyer was trying to get him to relax. Peter said he’d heard that Libby had hypnotized Claire and that maybe she could do some hypnosis with him soon to help him with his anxiety. Libby smiled and said she’d be glad to. Sawyer rubbed his shoulders trying to relax him. It wasn’t long until Hurley came and joined them. He sat down near Libby and spoke to everyone. Soon Sayid and Kate had also come and joined the group around the fire. Sawyer made it a point to keep his hands on Peter, massaging his shoulders and arms or just resting on them. Peter knew he was making a point and staking his claim. They all talked some about their day and what they had done. Peter talked about moving his shelter closer in to the edge of the campsite and that he’d started dismantling it and moving it. Some of them talked about doing things about camp, washing their clothes, daily activities. Peter began to visibly relax finally. He asked if anyone had seen Jack during the day, and Sayid said he’d seen Jack in the early afternoon and he was okay. Sawyer began to get a little more amorous and was stroking Peter’s face and neck and was playing with his hair. Sawyer got a kick out of the glances he was getting from Sayid, Kate and Hurley. Sawyer knew that Pete had had sex with the three of them and he was enjoying the small expressions that went across their faces as he was trying to turn Peter on. Sawyer whispered something in Peter’s ear and Peter’s only response was to wrap his hands around Sawyer’s legs. Kate figured he’d probably just propositioned Peter and he wasn’t ready to leave yet. Sawyer decided to ramp things up a little bit. He unbuttoned a couple of Peter’s shirt buttons and ran one of his hands lightly across Peter’s chest. He could feel Peter’s breath hitch. He bent down and covered Peter’s ear and whispered into it. He asked Peter if he would like to tie him up tonight and fuck him and if he would he’d have to let him kiss him as much as he wanted in front of everyone. Kate noticed Peter did that same thing with his tongue and mouth that Sawyer did sometimes when he was mulling something over. Then Peter looked back over his shoulder to look Sawyer in the eyes and gave the smallest of nods. Sawyer grinned and bent over and gave him a peck on the lips. Libby looked away. She knew Sawyer was trying to make them uncomfortable and have fun at all their expense. She knew he wasn’t finished yet either. Kate and Sayid were having a discussion about something quietly themselves. Sawyer ran his right hand into Peter’s hair and began to plant slow moist kisses along Peter’s neck. Peter moaned in spite of himself and began breathing heavier. Sawyer tilted Peter’s head back, kissed him lightly on the lips and then more firmly and slipped his tongue into Peter’s mouth. Kate and Sayid stopped talking. They were all watching them now. Peter felt much more turned on that he’d thought he would. He could feel his cock getting hard in his jeans – it was obvious. Sawyer was giving him lots of tongue and when he slipped his tongue out, Peter slipped his tongue into Sawyer’s mouth and Sawyer moaned. He broke off the kiss and when Peter became aware of everyone’s stares he blushed and looked away embarrassed at what they were doing. Sayid spoke first, “Perhaps you two should think about getting a room now or we’re going to have to start charging for the show.”

Sawyer grinned, he had clearly staked his claim on Peter. “Yeah, maybe it is time for us to get a room.” He stood up and gave Peter a hand up. “What do you say Pete? It is my turn to get tied up or yours?” Peter’s eyes narrowed but he didn’t miss a beat, “I think it’s your turn. G’night y’all.” When they were about 30 feet away Sawyer reached over and grabbed Peter by the ass. Peter didn’t miss a beat as he took Sawyer by the hand, turned him and pushed him against a tree and pressed his body hard up against his, groping him roughly and kissing him wantonly. Libby and Hurley had their backs to them, but Kate and Sayid saw it all and Kate gasped in spite of herself. It had shocked her how physical Peter was with him. She was still uneasy watching them be so sexual and wanton with each other. Sayid just smiled slyly and shook his head.

“Oh God,” Sawyer moaned, “You wanna do it right here?” Peter just grabbed the waistband of his jeans and pulled him the direction of Sawyer’s tent, telling him to come on. Libby didn’t turn around, she knew they’d done something from the look on Sayid’s and Kate’s faces and Kate’s gasp. Sayid’s tent was not far from Sawyers. “Shit,” Sayid said softly, “I won’t be getting any sleep for a couple of hours now.” Kate just shook her head. She secretly wished she could see them together and watch them. “Do you think he’s really going to tie him up?” she whispered. “Undoubtedly. I think they’re both into that to some degree,” he said back quietly. Kate licked her lower lip. She knew what she’d be fantasizing about tonight when she went to sleep. She looked out at the dark ocean and the full moon dancing on the waves and wished she was going to Sawyer’s shelter with them.