The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: NC17, masturbation
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing:
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 50 (50/60)
I Want You

The next morning Peter woke up to find Sawyer up and gone, and Jack standing outside calling his name. Peter called to him and told him to come in. Jack came in and was surprised Peter was still in bed. Jack looked around briefly and frowned, “Your stuff is in Sawyer’s tent. Are you moving in with him?”

Peter grimaced. He hadn’t told Jack he was moving his shelter closer to the campsite, it probably did look like he’d permanently moved in with Sawyer. “My stuff is in here temporarily. I’m moving my shelter a lot closer to the campsite. I’m too anxious to be that far away now. I forgot to tell you yesterday with all the talk about your hatch situation.”

Jack frowned and then remembered what Peter said about reading his emotions. “Well, I’m still staying at the hatch for the time being. I need to keep tabs on what’s going on. I’ll tell you…”

“I know when it’s all over. I guess you came to check on me and give me a pill huh?” Peter grabbed towel. Jack kneeled down to check him out. Then he asked Peter to stand up and Peter groaned as he did. He felt rough this morning.

Jack was looking at him strangely and popped him unexpectedly on the face and held his jaw, “Damn it! You had sex with Sawyer didn’t you? You’ve got blood and feces on your cock.” Peter looked hurt but knew his own face confirmed what Jack just asked. He looked down. “Your cock isn’t even healed yet. Do you know how many things you can catch or give somebody that way? You don’t want that in your bloodstream either! You didn’t let him fuck you I hope? It’s going to take more time for your ass to heal. I told you absolutely not to do that yet.”

“No, he didn’t fuck me, but I did fuck him Jack. It was okay. He let me be in control. I handled it okay. I needed it and you wouldn’t give it to me.” He wished he hadn’t said the last part but couldn’t take it back now.

Jack’s eyes narrowed and he shook his head. “Your damn sex addiction is so strong you can’t even hold off until your body heals up. What the hell were you thinking? On second thought don’t tell me, I don’t want to hear it. Here’s your pills for today. I think you should think about talking with Libby. You need to get your head on straight. You heard what the dangers are. Your emotions are still volatile. What are you going to do if you start having anxiety attacks with sex? Or you get really depressed again? You tell me to take care of myself. You need to take better care of yourself Pete.” Jack walked out of the tent and could hear Peter saying “fuck” quietly behind him. He knew he’d upset him but what he wanted to do was shake some sense into him. He walked across the campsite and heard Claire calling out his name. He walked over to her tent and could tell immediately she was upset about her baby boy Aaron. He looked him over and said he was running a little fever and had a rash, but should be okay. He recommended a lotion that Sun had made and to bathe the baby in cool water. He said he would keep tabs on the fever, to let him know if it got worse. Claire was totally anxious over the baby and kept worrying that it was something fatal. She wasn’t happy with Jack’s recommendations. Jack had one more stop and then he headed back to the hatch.

Peter had sat back down on the bedding after Jack left, and felt his emotions flood him. He was depressed, he kept trying to do things to keep himself involved, but it was hard. He sat and cried for almost a half hour silently. He was still thinking about being raped by the six men and how badly they’d abused him. He knew he’d have to tell Libby at some point that he wasn’t doing well. He got up and washed his face, got dressed and ate something. He made his way outside and decided to sit in the sun and rest awhile until he felt like going down and starting on dismantling his shelter. He could hear Sun and Jin bickering about something in Korean which he couldn’t understand, but he could understand their tone and they were obviously arguing with each other. He watched Claire obviously stressed about little Aaron who was crying non-stop when to his surprise Rousseau appeared in camp and went to Claire and was talking with her. It seemed to just make Claire more upset. Kate heard them and went over and told Rousseau to leave. Peter wondered what it was all about, but decided he wasn’t going to get in the middle of it. Everybody seemed stressed today. He got up and headed down the beach to his shelter. When he got to his shelter it dawned on him he was truly alone for the first time in a while. He decided he wanted to sit down and jerk himself off since he had some solitude. He unzipped and pulled his jeans off. He spit into his hand and ran his hand from the underside of his balls up to the tip of his cock and gave it a squeeze. His breath hitched. He started thinking about the night he had sex with Kate. He’d hated to admit it, but she was the best female lover he’d ever had. He stroked himself slowly thinking about how gorgeous she’d looked naked, how perky her tits were and how her hair cascaded everywhere when she loosened it and tossed her head. He remembered the smell and feel of her hair and skin. So soft. He thought about all the sounds she made while they were having sex and what she looked like when she came. It didn’t take long until his memories and his hands made him moan and come hard. He wished she was there with him now and thought he’d have to try and see if she’d consider doing it again. It’s bad, he thought, to have had a lover who was the best at something. He knew he’d be comparing women he had sex with to her the rest of his life. He got up and put his jeans on and started working on dismantling some of his shelter. He worked most of the day and made two trips dragging some of the materials to the new site and unloading them. He decided to quit for the day and went to look for Sawyer. He found him sitting outside his shelter reading a manuscript wearing some granny glasses. Peter grinned and teased him about the glasses. Sawyer smiled back but shot him the bird. Peter smiled and sat down next to him and asked him if anything had happened today. Sawyer smirked and said that Kate had come and borrowed a gun from him, that she and Claire were going for a hike to find a hatch she’d been held in.

“They’re doing what??? Do they have any clue how dangerous that could be? Damn, Kate’s either got brass balls or no brains at all, I don’t know which.” Peter was amazed. “And you let her have a gun?”

“Yep, she can take care of herself. She was gonna go whether I gave her a gun or not. I figured she was safer with the gun. She’ll bring it back.” Sawyer turned another page in the manuscript he was reading.

“Does Jack know about this?”

“Doubt it, they were going on the QT. Sides, Jack almost don’t come outa that hatch, and every time he does, he looks more stressed. I think Claire went to see Libby this morning and she hypnotized her so she could remember all that stuff she’s blocking in her memory. It was right after that she and Kate left. Other than that it’s been pretty quiet. Libby came by and asked about you. I told her you were doing fine, and you’d look her up if you wanted to talk.” Peter decided to go lie down and take a nap, and asked Sawyer to wake him up so they could eat dinner together. He woke up later and heard Kate’s voice outside talking to Sawyer. She was returning the gun to him. Peter started masturbating in the bed when he heard them talking outside. Kate and Claire were back safe and sound. Kate said Claire had found what she was looking for and had remembered a lot of what she had forgotten about. She mentioned that little Aaron’s fever seemed to have broken and he was sleeping well. Jack had been right about the rash and fever not being serious. Kate thanked Sawyer for the use of the gun and walked away. Inside the shelter, Peter was just about to come and as he feared, Sawyer stood up and came in. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked Peter.

Peter climaxed, moaned softly and came in his hand. Sawyer asked him again, “What are you doing? If you were horny you coulda waited on me you know.” Peter cleaned himself off and slipped up his jeans. His not talking was pissing Sawyer off.

“You gonna answer me?”

“You know what I was doing. I just wanted it fast and uncomplicated. Just me. Quick. Shit – it ain’t like I took something away from you.” Peter zipped up and looked him in the eyes.

Sawyer was upset, “I fucking wait on when you can do it with me. I don’t jerk off six feet away from where you’re sittin’. I expected you to be more considerate than this. It fuckin’ hurts me to be that damn close to where you are, wanting you, and you’re in here jerking off. You do take something away from me doing this shit.” Peter could see the hurt on Sawyer’s face.

“I’m sorry I upset you. I masturbate a lot. I thought you knew that,” he said softly.

Sawyer grabbed Peter behind his neck and pulled him over to himself. Then he held his face and head in both his hands. He unnerved Peter, touching him when he was so upset. “Well don’t fucking do it when you’re with me or staying with me. I’ll have sex just as much or as many times as you want to. Even quickies. I want you to do it with me. Don’t be jerking off when I want you so damn bad it hurts. You understand me?”

Peter couldn’t answer; he lowered his head and shook it yes. His eyes teared, “I’m gonna talk with Libby some. I ain’t exactly right yet. I’m not in control of myself and I…really need to talk to her.”

“You can talk to me you know? You don’t have to talk to her. You can tell me anything Pete.” Sawyer was searching his face.

“I know, but she’s a psychologist. I need to talk to her some. It’s hard to talk to you about what they did and what I’m going through. I’m ashamed. I need somebody objective that’s not wrapped up in my emotions.” Peter looked sad and depressed. Sawyer pulled him closer and kissed him twice to reassure him and held onto him.

Peter still looked forlorn as he pulled away. “I’m gonna go see if I can find Libby.” He looked back at Sawyer as he walked out, “I’m sorry I’m so fucked up.”

It was early evening now and people were starting to wind down from the day. Peter had to walk around a bit before he found Libby socializing with a small group. She could tell from his face that he wanted to talk with her and she excused herself from the group. Peter asked if it was a good time to talk for a little and she said yes. They walked towards the ocean and then along the beach away from the campsite. He thanked her for being willing to talk with him. She asked him how he was doing, but she could tell from his face that he wasn’t doing well at all.

“I’m not doing so hot Libby. I’m depressed and anxious both. I’m not handling things real well. I feel like I’m going off the deep end.”

“Be more specific with me and tell me more about what’s going on Peter.”

“I’m real depressed Libby. I keep thinking about getting raped and all the abuse over and over again. I’m having trouble keeping it out of my head. I’ve been trying to keep active and keep around people so I don’t think about it. But it’s not working. Soon as I get quiet it all comes back and I feel overwhelmed.”

“That’s not an uncommon reaction for a rape survivor Peter. How are you handling the feelings you’re having?”

“Not so good.” Peter looked around to make sure there wasn’t anyone else within hearing distance of them. “I’m having crying jags when I’m by myself. I get real upset and have trouble stopping. I haven’t told anyone else I’m that upset. I thought I was doing pretty well initially when I got back, but now I don’t think so.”

“Have you had any thoughts about suicide?” Libby looked him in the eyes; she wanted to see if he was telling her the truth.

He looked away and then down and Libby knew what that meant before he said anything. “I’ve thought about it. It crosses my mind every day Libby but it don’t mean I got a plan or anything. It’s more like I’m going down the tube in other ways.”

“Like what?”

“Well, like with sex. Jack didn’t want me to be having sex yet. He thought it would be too traumatic and he didn’t want me fooling around at all until I was healed up. I fucked Sawyer last night and I bled and it pissed Jack off royally, even though Sawyer didn’t fuck me. Jack said my damn sex addiction was so strong I couldn’t even wait till I was okay physically or emotionally to have sex.”

“So how did the sex affect you?”

“I did okay with it, Sawyer let me be in charge and I was fine. I’ve felt closer to Jack and Sawyer both since I’ve been back, but I’ve succeeded in pissing them both off too. I just pissed off Sawyer before I came here.”

“What happened with Sawyer just now?”

“Remember when you were talking about common reactions people have to being raped? You mentioned change in sex habits. I’m masturbating a lot now. A lot more than before. I was jerking off in Sawyer’s tent when he was just outside and he came in and found me. Got real upset with me. Said he didn’t want me doing it, that he’d have sex with me anytime I wanted it. I told him I thought he knew I masturbated, but he said he wants me so badly it hurt him to see me doing it without him. Made me feel bad about doing it.”

“So it upset him to see you masturbating. He felt excluded.”

“Yeah. But I can’t stop. It’s like a compulsion or something. I ain’t gonna stop; I’ll just have to be more secretive about it.”

“Maybe you need to explain it to him, rather than just doing it in secret. What do you think?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t wanna keep something from him, but I really feel like I have to do it. I don’t think he’ll understand. I’m worried about screwing around too.”

“You need to consider telling him. He’s going to be very upset if he finds you again and you’ve lied to him. What do you mean you are worried about screwing around?”

“I can tell I’m headed back towards being more promiscuous again. If I get real geared up masturbating, I end up screwing around a lot more Libby. This is a pattern with me. I’m worried about ostracizing and losing Jack and Sawyer both. I can tell I’m just gonna be wild.”

“You shouldn’t just accept that you’re going to repeat old past patterns. You’ve said before that you wanted to break free from those patterns and have a longer term relationship. You’ve also said that promiscuous behavior has been what has busted up relationships in the past. You need to really think about what you’re doing and what it may cost you. Maybe we can look at some other ways you can handle your feelings that won’t jeopardize your relationships. Are there any other things you wanted to tell me?”

“Yeah, a couple. I’m having problems with being anxious too. That’s one of the reasons I think I’m jerking off so much and want to be screwing people. When I feel like I’m in control, it makes me feel less anxious. That’s why it’s gonna be so hard for me to stop. I gotta have some control and some way to not feel everything so much. It’s overwhelming me.”

“That will make it harder to overcome, but it’s not impossible.”

“I think it’s basically impossible. I don’t have any hope left that I’ll ever be normal Libby. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever achieve. I don’t think I’ll ever get over what’s been done to me. I think I’m gonna have these problems the rest of my life. I’m just gonna be fucked up and I’ve accepted it now.”

“If you feel that way, what do you hope to get out of our sessions?” Libby asked.

“I need to be able to tell somebody what I’m going through. I need you to keep tabs on me cause of how depressed I am. I’ve tried to kill myself three times already in my life. I think if I try again I’ll be successful and I don’t really want to die. But I don’t want all this pain I’m feeling either. I need you to help me hold on and to tell me the truth.”

Libby nodded her head yes and worried about him. He had an accurate assessment of how he was doing and she was still worried that he might try to kill himself. He was certainly setting himself up for problems with Jack and Sawyer if he started behaving promiscuously again. “I can be here for you to talk to Peter, but you’ve got to try and keep an open mind about how to handle all this and be willing to keep trying. Don’t give up on yourself. You’re still very young and are coping well in a lot of ways. I want you to agree again that you’re not going to attempt suicide and that you’ll come and talk with me and be honest with me about where you are and what you are thinking. Do we still have a contract?”

Peter sighed but said yes that he promised he’d come to her first and be honest about what he was thinking about.

“Can we talk some later Libby? I’m feeling stressed right now and just want to go chill out.”

“Sure but are you sure you don’t want to talk about anything else?”

“No, I’m getting anxious and just need to not think about things for a while. I’ll come looking for you if I need you. You can check on me whenever you want to.”

Libby reluctantly said okay, but she knew they’d have plenty to talk about the next time. She reminded him one last time to think about talking with Jack and Sawyer and letting them know what was going on with him. Peter said he’d think about it. They turned around and started back towards the campsite.