Admissions

Admissions
Chapter Five

Teyla continued to pace and ponder the many questions rolling around in her mind until Michael entered the room. She was frightened by the answers that she had found deep in her soul. She had no idea how her friends would react if and when she ever saw them again or how her people would respond when they were reunited. She knew that she would not be able to keep this from them. She owed them the truth, to admit to her fellow Athosians that it was her fault that they had been put through such an ordeal. Not to mention the fact that she had already decided to tell her friends the truth if only to spare Michael from being unduly accused of violating her.

When Michael entered the room she spun around and glared at him. She held her head high and straightened her back and shoulders. Determined to remind him that she was not one of his hybrids until his control, she prepared herself for the argument to come. As soon as he looked at her, his happy expression faltered and his shoulders slumped slightly. He obviously knew what was coming.

“The repairs are almost completed and we should arrive at my base were your people are soon.”

Narrowing her eyes, she snorted at his tactic to try to postpone the inevitable. “How badly was the Daedalus damaged?” she asked, deciding to play along. After all, she did want to know how her friends had fared and if they could be hurt.

Michael sighed. “They were ready for us when we exited hyperspace. Their shields were in place and the battle didn’t last long, so I don’t believe they suffered much damage or any casualties.”

“And how much damage did we sustain?”

“There was a small hull breach on one deck, but it was kept in check by the shields. They tried to disable the hyperdrive, but we evaded their weapons fire and were able to enter hyperspace.”

“Good.” She stepped toward him. He looked as though he considered stepping back, but held his ground. “Do not ever attempt to give me orders again. I am not one of you creatures. You do not control me.”

“Teyla,” he said in a placating tone, “I do understand that. I was worried that you and our son would be hurt.”

“You could have just as easily asked me to remain. I did promise you that I would stay in this room. There was no cause for you to be so harsh with me.” Teyla knew that he was truly sorry for what he had done, but her fear and insecurity bubbled to the surface. She knew she was wrong for taking it out on him, but she could not seem to stop herself.

Michael began to look more annoyed with her than remorseful. “I’m sorry, Teyla. I said that I knew I was wrong already.” He paused, studying her for a moment. “What is this really about? You are not one to hold such a grudge when someone has sincerely apologized, so what is it that is truly upsetting you?”

Shock instantly filled her. When had he become so intuitive? They did have a bond, so perhaps he could read what she was feeling even though he was not in her mind? She knew she was gaping at him and snapped her mouth shut. His expression let her know that he understood from her reaction that he was right.

Turning around, Teyla felt her emotions rage through her unchecked as she was unable to control them. Tears filled her eyes. She longed to tell him of her fears regarding her people’s reaction to him being the father of her son. Could he handle that knowledge? Or, would he become angry with her once again? She suddenly realized if things went as badly as she feared they might, he would be the only person left who still loved her. Her tears spilled down her cheeks and she knew she had to learn to confide in him.

She could feel him standing patiently behind her, waiting for an answer. Clearing her throat, she tried to wipe away her tears. “I am sorry, Michael. I was taking out my fears on you and it was wrong of me.” Her voice broke and more tears began to flow.

He closed the small distance between them. Gently, he urged her to turn around. Placing one hand under her chin, he tilted her head up. They locked eyes and he cupped her face, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. Concern was etched all over his face and shone in his eyes. She could feel his worry coming off of him in waves.

“Why are you so afraid?” His voice was soft, but filled with intensity. She averted her eyes and tried to turn away again. Michael grabbed her upper arms gently, keeping her in place. “Teyla, tell me what is wrong, please.” He conveyed such urgency and near panic with those few, simple words that she almost sobbed.

“I am afraid of what my people will think of me when they find out what I have done.” She knew she was still being evasive, but she was unwilling to hurt him.

He dropped his hands from her arms. She looked up at him. The pain on his face clearly showed that he had read between the lines and understood exactly what she meant.

This time he turned away from her. “I see.”

Despair filled her at the pain she had so clearly caused him. Her tears now came in earnest and, though she tries, she could not hold back the strangled sob that escaped her.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Michael had turned away from her, unable to bear to look at the misery she was in. He closed his eyes and grimaced when he heard her sob. He could feel her emotional turmoil. Fear, sorrow, and regret were at the forefront of many others.

Doubt and his own insecurities plagued him once again. She had said in her cell that she did not regret being with him or the fact that he was her child’s father. Could she have been lying to him? Bitterness filled him at the thought. He looked back on his memory of their conversation, studying her words and actions. He sighed softly. No, she had been sincere, he was sure of it.

All of her pain really was caused by her fear of being rejected by her people. How could he of all beings fault her for that? His bitterness grew, swelling in his chest and making it almost difficult to breathe. He knew all too well how it felt to be viewed with disgust and scorn by those he’d known his entire life. The way his beloved Queen had looked at him, with such revulsion. Tears clouded his vision and the old pain of his disgrace choked him anew.

He took a deep breath, forcing painful memories away. Straightening his shoulders in determination, he vowed to himself that his Teyla would never experience the same thing. He would protect her from their condemnation. He had not saved the Athosians for her just to have them hurt her in such a devastating way.

Knowing what Teyla needed to do to be accepted back, Michael turned sideways. He could not bring himself to look at her directly, but he could see her with his peripheral vision. She was still crying and staring at him. She looked more defeated than he had ever witnessed or thought possible for her. He longed to pull her to him and comfort her, tell her that everything would be alright.

Michael sighed again and stayed where he was. “Teyla, you don’t have to tell them that I am your baby’s father. Let them continue to believe he belongs to Kanaan.” He choked out the name. Pain coursed through him. He wanted to be able to proudly claim his son, the same way any other would. His vision clouded again.

“Michael, I can not do that!” Teyla sounded completely horrified at the thought.

“Then tell them that the child is mine. Make it sound as though I…” he swallowed reflexively. What he was about to say made him nauseous, but it had been his original intent, even if he hadn’t seen it as such at the time. “Allow them to think I violated you, tricked you into thinking I was Kanaan. After all,” he said bitterly, “that is what I tried to do.”

“Michael!” If she’d sounded horrified before, she sounded positively panic-stricken now.

“What?” he roared, turning to look at her. She jumped at his outburst and he immediately regretted it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking at her again. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to yell at you. This is the only way I can think of that will ensure your welcome. It isn’t even a lie.” He smiled with regret. “I did disguise myself as Kanaan. I went to New Athos because I needed to be in your presence. In my desire to be near you, I never considered that I would be violating you.” Teyla took a step toward him. She mouthed a soundless, “No,” while shaking her head in denial. Though her eyes were swollen from crying and tears continued to stream down her face, she had such an incredible, vulnerable beauty.

“You know as well as I do that it is the truth.” He turned his back on her as his own tears threatened to fall from his eyes. He felt her hand on his upper arm as she forced him to turn back to her. He was momentarily amazed at the strength she retained, even in her advanced stage of pregnancy.

“I told you that I knew it was you.” She looked fierce and determined. There was a steely strength in her impassioned whisper. “You did not violate or trick me and I will not allow anyone to think otherwise.”

He grabbed her again. The guilt he’d been repressing since that night needed to be released. He had to make her understand. “I didn’t know that you knew. I took your body and invaded your mind out of my own selfish desires. I never gave a single thought to how you would feel when you found out what I’d done. Not until after—a long time after.”

A single tear fell from his left eye and he turned his head, not wanting to see the horror and revulsion his confession was sure to induce. Teyla’s hand rose toward his cheek and he flinched slightly, expecting a blow. Her hand recoiled at his reaction, but quickly moved back to cup his cheek tenderly. With soft pressure, she turned his face back to look at her.

As he’d done with her, she wiped away his tear with her thumb. “I do not believe that some part of you did not realize I knew. There were many times that night when you looked at me with uncertainty and a bit of fear. In those moments, I know that you perceived my awareness of you.”

Her small hand slipped to the back of his head and she pulled his mouth to hers. He was so surprised at the action that it took him a moment to respond. The kiss she gave him was soft and tentative. Growling low in the back of his throat, he pulled her to him. When he felt her swollen belly, he was able to resist the urge to crush her body against his.

Putting his hand through her soft hair, he cupped the back of her head. A need that only Teyla could evoke drove all logical, rational thought from his mind as his body responded. She parted her lips as he hungrily kissed her and he plunged his tongue in to taste her. With a moan, she met his tongue with her own, caressing and dueling him. His cock was so hard it ached painfully in the confines of his pants. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to rip her clothing from her body, lay her on his bed, and worship every inch of her.

Teyla whimpered, clinging to him, her need as powerful as his. She tried to get as close to him as possible. It was not the easiest feat with her very pregnant belly between them.

Suddenly, it was as though someone had thrown cold water over him. Pregnant belly. Very pregnant belly. He couldn’t make love to her now, he could hurt them. He broke the kiss and straightened up quickly, breathing raggedly and trying to fight his needs and desires. Teyla gasped softly at his sudden abandonment and looked up at him, confusion in her passion-darkened eyes. She was breathing as heavily as he, her breast heaving. She tried to pull his mouth back to hers, but he gently moved her hand from behind his head.

“Teyla, we can’t do this.” His voice sounded husky and lust-filled even in his own ears. He released her hand and placed his on her belly. She looked down, still confused. “You’re pregnant, very pregnant. I could injure you or hurt the baby.”

Understanding dawned on her face and she laughed softly. “Michael, human women can continue to make love with their partners, even late in pregnancy. As long as we are not too… rough, the child and I will be fine.”

He studied her face for a few moments, struggling with himself. He knew she was being honest, but could he take the chance? He wasn’t sure he could stop himself from being rough with her. His need for her was so intense he was actually amazed at his own restraint thus far.

No, he couldn’t take the chance. He released her and backed away from her in the direction of the door. He had to get out of this room, away from her so that he could regain his control and composure.

“I can’t guarantee that I can be gentle with you. I can’t take the chance and hurt either of you. I would never forgive myself if anything ever happened to you.” His back came in contact with the door and he swiped his hand across the control panel. “I’m sorry I got carried away. I should not have lost control.”

With that, he backed out into the hall and closed the door. The last thing he saw was the astonished look on Teyla’s face. He walked quickly to the sparring room, mentally calling a few hybrids to meet him there. He would work out his sexual tension by fighting until he was exhausted. Then he would go back to the room, shower, and fall into bed with her without having enough energy to attack her.

Adrenaline pumped through his veins, as potent as it had been when he was still in his room. He stripped off his clothes and changed into comfortable sparring clothes. If he hadn’t been so intent on releasing his excess energy, he may have felt a bit sorry for the hybrids he was about to fight.