The Past Returns

Disclaimer: I don't own High Mountain Rangers, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Angst, Out of Character, Disturbing Themes, Child Abuse

Rating: FRT

The Past Returns
Chapter 5


"Cody!" Matt called, following him into the house. "What do you mean that wasn't the only time?" he demanded.

Jesse went after them, staying back and letting them handle it for now, but there if he was needed.

Cody turned to stare at him incredously, "You don't even remember?"

"When I went away to college?"

Cody shook his head, he couldn't beleive this.

"Come on Cody," Matt plead. "Don't make me play guessing games."

He continued to stare at him, debating with himself what to say. Cody sighed, "I was six, you went away to space camp..."

"That was the last summer you stayed at mom's," Matt supplied. "No," he shook his head. "No way, you're not telling me Mom hurt you."

"Would that be so hard to believe?" Cody quietly asked.

"Hell yes it would," Matt snapped. "I can't imagine Mom hurting you, there's just no way she would."

Cody snorted, "I don't believe you Matt. As soon as you knew somebody hurt me you were so quick to assume it was Dad, but you won't even consider that Mom could do anything wrong. You know what, just go on back to the ranger station," Cody ordered, disgusted and hurt.

"No Cody..."

"Leave! It's what you're best at isn't it?" Cody sneered. Quickly he turned away from his brother, swiping angrily at his eyes before the tears could fall. His dad's voice calling his name stopped him in his tracks, but he didn't turn around. He made no move at all until he felt Jesse's arm wrapping around his shoulder, lending him the strength and support he needed. If not for his father's strong arm supporting him, Cody would've collapsed, he very nearly did anyway. Vaguely aware of Matt hovering nearby, he let his dad lead him to the couch, lowering him to rest against the cushions.

"Did she hurt you son?" Jesse forced himself to ask. Like Matt he couldn't imagine Jackie ever hurting one of her boys. 'Isn't that what she did when she left?' he silently asked himself.

"I'm not sure," came the nearly inaudilble reply.

"You said you could hear a voice and you knew it wasn't mine, can't you tell if it's your mom's or not?"

"It's not Mom's voice, but..."

Jesse waited for his son to go on. The last thing he wanted to do was push the boy. He'd known veterans who suffered from ptsd and the damage that pushing them to deal with memories they weren't ready for had caused.

"But what..." Matt began to ask, biting off the question at a look from Jesse.

Jesse shot his oldest a sharp look, silently ordering him to be quiet. Rubbing Cody's back, he made himself wait for the answer to his question.

"I think maybe she was there," Cody finally finished his sentence.

"Why do you think that Cody?" Jesse gently asked.

"I had a nightmare. It was nighttime and I was hiding under the covers, somebody pulled them off of me..."

"Somebody?" Matt interrupted.

Cody nodded, "I don't know who it was. All I could see was their eyes and I knew somehow that it was somebody that was supposed to love me. I didn't know what I had done but I knew I must've done something bad, cause otherwise somebody that loved me wouldn't hurt me like that." Cody sounded so much like a scared little boy, his voice so quiet they could barely hear it, and both of the older Hawkes men could feel their hearts breaking at the pain they could clearly hear.

"Cody, son, if you couldn't see who it was why do you think your mom knew?"

"I saw her," Cody replied, oblivious of the pained gasp from his older brother. "She was standing in the doorway, watching and then she turned away." Suddenly he buried his face against his father's chest, no longer able to keep the tears back. "Why dad? How could she do that?"

"Maybe she didn't Cody," Matt suggested.

"You think I'm lying?"

"It was a dream, you don't know that it really happened that way."

Jesse glared at Matt as he felt his youngest trembling in his arms. He understood how hard this was for Matt, hell it was hard for him to face it too and she was only his wife, not his mother. However, the boy needed to see that Cody didn't need to hear what amounted to a defense of the woman who, in his mind at least, had allowed him to be hurt.

"Do you think it was just a dream too Dad?" Cody asked in a small voice.

"I think it's a memory, or maybe a few memories, trying to come to the surface and your mind may have gotten events mixed up," Jesse carefully answered.

"So you think I'm making it up too, or I'm just confused?" Cody pulled away from his father, away from what had been a comforting embrace, and pushed himself to his feet. Staring at father and brother, his face reflected the betrayal he felt as the panic began to build. Turning away, he ran from the house, panic giving him an added burst of speed.

Jesse jumped up, getting to the door, he was just in time to see Cody enter the barn. "You stay here," he ordered Matt as he stepped onto the porch. Quickly walking towards the barn, he hoped he got there before Cody could get on Cooper and take off. He needn't have worried, he realized that as soon as he stepped into the barn. The sound of crying could be heard from the loft, bringing a frown to Jesse's weathered face. He wanted to go to his son, to comfort him, but something told him that Cody needed this time alone, needed the chance to release some of the grief and fear he was feeling. Reluctantly he turned back to the house, his steps on the return trip slower, but just as purposeful.

"Is he okay?" Matt asked, his body practically vibrating with the need to check on his brother.

"He's in the loft, I thought it was best if we leave him be for now," Jesse sadly replied.

"Leave him alone? He doesn't need to be alone right now, he needs to know we care and that we're here to help him," Matt insisted. He stepped off the porch, his progress halted by the firm hold of his dad's hand on his arm. "Let me go," he ordered.

"No, not until you're willing to listen."

"I'm listening," Matt sullenly spat.

"Cody needs a chance to let some of what he's feeling out, without the fear that we'll think less of him for doing so."

Matt glanced to the barn and back to his father. "He's crying?" he asked, unnecessairly.

"He is, and he needs it."

"I wouldn't think less of him for that."

"I know you wouldn't son, neither would I. However your brother is fifteen and even though he's more mature than most his age, he's still learning what it means to be a man. Which means that he worries about appearing weak, especially in front of us."

"In front of you maybe," Matt scoffed. "Right now I doubt he cares what I think."

"He cares Matt," Jesse assured him.

"Dad, do you think Mom really knew about whatever happened?" Matt changed the subject, knowing they could argue all day about this.

Jesse sighed, "I don't know son. I hate to think she could know somebody was hurting either of you boys and turn away, but I never thought she'd walk out on her youngest either."

"I really hurt him by doubting, didn't I?"

"I won't deny it, I think you did. We both did," he added, shouldering his own part of the blame.

Matt nodded, glancing again at the barn. "I know what I can do to make it up to him," he mumbled.

Jesse's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "What are you planning boy?"

"I need to get back to the station," Matt said, ignoring his father's question. Pulling away from Jesse's hold, he headed for the barn. As quietly as possible he saddled his horse, leading him from the barn a few minutes later and climbing into the saddle. Not daring to look at his dad, afraid he would read his intentions in his eyes, Matt pulled on the reins and urging his horse into a trot, he rode away from the cabin.

Jesse watched his oldest ride away, unaware of another pair of eyes that watched with him. He had a feeling he knew where Matt was headed, he just hoped it didn't blow up in his face. Sighing, he shook his head and walked to the porch, where he sat down to wait for Cody to join him.

Cody watched his brother ride away, his cheeks streaked with tears. He didn't understand why it hurt so much, it wasn't as though it was the first time he'd seen Matt leave. For as far back as he could remember, Matt had been leaving him behind. First when he'd moved into town with their mother, then going away for the summer, later leaving for college. For a while after Matt joined the rangers, things had been good between the brothers. Sometimes Matt was a little over protective, which Cody thought was really ironic, considering. He didn't really mind though, it felt nice to have his brother looking out for him, even if he didn't need it. "Looks like that's over," he whispered. I never should've mentioned Mom, should've known how he'd react, he thought to himself. Sadly, he moved away from the loft door. Flopping down in the hay, he burrowed into it, curling up, and trying to find the comfort he so desperately needed.

Matt had returned to the ranger station, fully intending on taking one of the trucks and going to see his mother. As John Lennon had said though, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans, and that morning proved it true. He'd barely made it back to the station when the first call came in. Quickly sending Cutler and Hart out to rescue the stranded climbers, he was just about to leave when the radio squawked again. The whole morning went like that, spreading into the afternoon and not giving them a break until late that day. Matt wasted no time, as soon as the calls slowed, he put Cutler in charge and headed for his mother's house.

"Matthew," Jackie smiled.

"Mom we need to talk," Matt greeted, stepping into the house.

"What's wrong honey? Has something," she paused, her hand going to her chest, "are your dad and Cody okay?"

"Dad's okay."

"What happened to Cody?" she demanded, instantly picking up on the omission.

"Nothing, at least not anything recent."

"You're not making any sense honey."

Matt sighed, "Let's go upstairs Mom, this could take a while."

"Alright," Jackie agreed. Glancing over her shoulder, she led the way up the stairs and into the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee?"

"Sure," Matt accepted, glad for the delay.

Jackie asked no more questions as she went about making the coffee. "You ready to tell me what's bothering you now?" she asked as she handed him his cup.

"I don't know if I'll ever be ready," Matt admitted.

"That bad?"

He nodded. Taking a sip of coffee, he wondered how to start. "Mom I went up to dad's cabin last night, I wanted to talk to him about Cody spending some time with you this summer."

"I take it things didn't go well?" Jackie watched the frown grow on his face and the guily look in his eyes. She kicked herself for asking him to talk to Jesse, she never should've put him in the middle like this. "Don't worry honey, I'm sure I can convince your dad to let Cody come for a visit," she soothed.

"I don't think you will Mom," Matt reluctantly contradicted her. "Cody isn't in any state of mind to stay here, to be honest I don't know if he ever will be."

"What are you talking about Matt?" she asked, sitting her coffee cup on the counter.

Matt sighed, "Cody's having panic attacks, they seem to be connected to spending the summer, even part of it, here."

"Is that what your dad told you? I swear I don't know what is wrong with that man sometimes. I can't believe he would make up a story like that just to keep Cody up on that mountain. Can't he see it's not healthy?"

"He's not making it up Mom, I've witnessed one of them."

Jackie gaped at him, her eyes reflecting the shock she felt. "But why? I don't understand why Cody would have panic attacks over staying with me."

Matt could see she was genuinely confused, making him think he was right and Cody's dream mind was mixing events up. Now he just had to figure out how to explain it to her.

"Matt?"

He took a deep breath, bracing himself for the coming conversation. "Cody said he didn't know why he was having panic attacks. Dad took him to see the doctor, he thinks it might be ptsd..."

"PTSD, what's that?"

"Post traumatic stress disorder," Matt replied.

Jackie gave him a puzzled look, "That doesn't make any sense Matt."

"No it didn't, that is until this morning."

"Why? What happened this morning?"

"He had a flashback and apparently last night he had a nightmare," he licked suddenly drying lips. "He doesn't remember everything, but he remembers some, enough to maybe explain the panic attacks."

"Would you please just tell me," Jackie plead.

Matt looked into her eyes, looking away when he saw the glimmer of unshed tears waiting to fall. Taking a sip of his coffee, he forced himself to face her. "He remembers somebody hurting him," Matt didn't miss the guilty look that flashed through her eyes. "He says you knew," he added. He took a step back, staring at her in horror, as the look of guilt grew. "You did, didn't you?"

"No, of course not," Jackie tried to deny.

"Don't lie to me Mom!" Turning away, he took another sip of the suddenly bitter coffee. With an angry snarl he threw the cup into the sink, shattering it. Whirling around, he glared at her, "Who was it? Who hurt my brother and why didn't you do something about it?"

Jackie jumped when the mug hit the sink, "Why are you so sure he's remembering something real?"

"Stop it! Something happened to him and you know what it was."

Jackie took a step back, she'd never seen Matt so angry before. Swallowing hard, she nodded, "I didn't know at first and as soon as I did I put a stop to it."

"Well I know you didn't have the person arrested, Dad would've known about it if you had. So how did you put a stop to it?"

"I sent him back to your dad and I made sure it never happened again..."

"By never having him spend the summers here?"

"It was the only way I could be sure he was safe," she confirmed in a small voice.

"Did you blame him?"

"Blame him?" Jackie stared up at him, unable to believe he would ask her something like that. "Of course I didn't blame him," she vowed.

"Then why did you start distancing yourself from him? I can't believe I didn't see it before now, all those years he came to visit on the weekends...Dad's right, you were cold, distant. No wonder Cody never wanted to come for a visit after I went away to college."

"He thought I blamed him?" she asked, horrified.

"What else was he supposed to think? But no, I don't suppose he did until recently, since he only just started remembering what happened. Instead he must've thought you hated him, but he wouldn't have even had a clue as to why. I wonder which is worse, feeling like your mother hates you and not knowing why, or being abused and thinking your mother blames you for it?"

"Oh God, what have I done?" Jackie stumbled back, colliding with the wall. She looked at her oldest through eyes blurred by tears and slid down the wall.

Matt wanted to hate her for the pain she'd caused his little brother, but he couldn't. She was his mother and he just couldn't turn his back on her, not even after this. Squatting down beside her, he pulled her into his arms, "Who was it mom? Who hurt Cody?"

Jackie was surprised when she felt Matt's arms come around her, she'd been sure he'd walk out now that he knew. He still might when he heard her answer, "I can't tell you," she reluctantly responded.

"Why not?" Matt asked, forcing himself to stay calm. "Did he threaten you? It was a he, wasn't it?"

"Yeah it was a he, but he didn't threaten me, I just can't tell you."

"You're gonna have to do better than that Mom."

"I can't do better, please Matt don't ask me again," she plead.

"Do you suppose Cody begged not to be hurt?" he softly asked.

"It won't change anything if you know who it was," she pointed out.

"He can be charged."

"No he can't, it's too late for that."

Matt sighed, he knew she was right, by now the statute of limitations would've ran out. "There's other ways to get justice," he growled into the growing silence.

"One more reason not to tell you."

"It's not me you're trying to protect Mom, it's him. Who is it? Why are you protecting the man who hurt your son?"

Jackie shook her head miserably, knowing she stood to lose both her sons if she didn't answer. She couldn't do it though, she couldn't choose between them, just like she hadn't been able to nine years earlier.

Disgusted and angry, he discovered that maybe he could turn his back on her, standing up he moved for the stairs. "When you decide your son is more important than whoever you're protecting, you call me, until then I don't want to hear from you." He stalked down the stairs, ignoring the sobs he could hear coming from above. His heart shattering, he opened the door and left his mother behind, wondering if he'd ever see her again.

TBC

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