Patient #082315
folder
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
7
Views:
1,488
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
7
Views:
1,488
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Lost, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Session #5
Session Transcript
Date: Monday, 21 February 2005
Patient: S. Bennett #082315
Hello Sydney. You left our session rather abruptly last week. I trust everything is better today.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I just… well, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m better today. I haven’t had any nightmares since I last saw you. It was a rather, um, interesting weekend. After I left on Thursday I went to visit Martin. I miss him so much. He’s been gone for nearly a year and it still hurts as much now as it did then. I just sat there by his grave talking to him, telling him everything that had been going on. I told him that I wished he was still here so that he could help me through this. He would be able to make sense of everything. He would be able to tell me what I should do.
And what do you think Martin would want you to do?
He would be shoving me out the door toward John. He would be calling John up and making him come over. He thought that John and I were destined to be together and he would be so frustrated with me for being hesitant. I swear I could almost hear him yelling at me for being such an idiot. After I left the cemetery I drove around for a while, figuring out what I needed to do. What if John wanted me? What if he didn’t? What if he only thought he did but ended up leaving later? What if he found someone else and I had to watch them together? There were so many what if questions running through my mind. I didn’t even realize where I was driving until I found myself at John’s apartment. I sat in the car for the longest time, trying to work up the courage to talk to him. When I did go to the door I didn’t know what to expect. When he opened the door I just sort of fell into his arms and started crying.
What was his reaction?
He wanted to know what was wrong. At first he thought there was something wrong with Mason. We sat on his sofa and I told him that I didn’t have to know what the future held but I did need to know where I stood with him. I told him that I was still in love with him and that I needed to know up front what his feelings were; that I definitely wanted him in Mason’s life but that if he didn’t want me as part of the package that I needed to know that now because I just couldn’t go through losing him again. I was completely honest with him. I told him that if he didn’t want me I could handle it, but that it would be hard; that I probably wouldn’t be around much when he was with Mason; that I’d need the distance. He just listened as I poured everything out to him. I said that it’s not like I want wedding bells and baby booties. I just want to know that if he’s going to be a part of my life and how he wants to fit in my life. I don’t really know what I expected him to say.
What did he say?
He didn’t really say much at first. I had kind of laid a lot on him. I don’t think he was expecting me to say I was still in love with him.
Why do you say that?
It’s been a long time since we were together. I’ve been married and widowed since then. I guess he thought I was still angry at him for vanishing from my life, even though we had worked all that out already. I guess he didn’t realize what being on that island, how it affected the way I looked at him. He was just so… different. It was like he had found a sense of purpose. He was stronger. Not just physically, but emotionally. I saw him finally be able to let go of things that had been eating away at him for years. It was like he was the John I knew only magnified a thousand times. And it wasn’t like we spent a whole lot of time together, not that we could go anywhere to be alone. He was always busy in the hatch or hunting or trying to help someone. But when we did manage to find time together, there just seemed to be a connection there. We were only intimate once, and it was ironically enough on Christmas day. I was missing Mason so much. I had missed his fourth birthday, taking him trick-or-treating, and now I was missing Christmas with him. John and I started talking about it and one thing led to another and …. We were only together that one time but that one time … I didn’t expect to fall in love with him again. I didn’t want to. But I did. I didn’t tell him how I felt; he had too much other stuff to deal with. The last thing he needed was my emotional train wreck. Then things got crazy and I didn’t get a chance to tell him and we weren’t together like that again. I guess he just wasn’t expecting for me to say that I was in love with him because I hadn’t said it to him in five years.
How did he respond to that?
He, uh, he said that he definitely wanted to be a part of Mason’s life, wanted to be his father, wanted to be there and watch him grow up and be involved. He held my hand, tried to reassure me that he was not going anywhere. I think he understood my hesitancy to just open myself up to him before that day. He didn’t really come right out and say that we were going to get back together but then he wasn’t completely opposed to the idea either. He said he wanted to take things slowly because we had both been through a lot, both on the island and off. Plus we have to be careful for Mason’s sake. Anyway, we spent the afternoon talking and he asked if he could take Mason and me to dinner. We ended up going to this burger place close to the house that Mason loves. It was… nice. It was like we were a family or something. There wasn’t any awkwardness and it was just… perfect. He wanted to see Mason again on Friday and Saturday and Sunday and it was so nice. It’s like he can’t get enough of Mason and I know exactly how that feels. For months I didn’t know if I would ever see my son again. Now I’m reluctant to leave him for even an hour. He is the center of my life. I can’t say that I mind sharing him with John. They are so much alike that it is sometimes scary. You know, the more I spend time with John, the more I find myself falling for him. After Mason went to bed Sunday, John asked Mike and Sharla if they minded if he and I went out alone one night this week. They practically fell all over themselves offering to watch Mason so that John and I could go out. They pretty much figured out that John was Mason’s father the first time they saw him; there’s no mistaking that Mason looks just like John. And while Martin never told them John’s name, they always knew that I was deeply in love with him.
How do you feel about that?
About the date? Scared. All those what if’s are running through my head again…. I guess I should be okay with all of this. I mean, we started off slowly. So slowly that neither of us really realized what was going on until we were right in the middle of a relationship. I keep saying that I don’t want to get hurt but I think… I know that unless John and I end up together that I am going to be hurt. I’m in too deep and I don’t know what…. I was never this insecure before. Never. But between losing John and then losing Martin and then thinking I’d never see Mason again… now I find myself questioning everything. Martin used to say that we have to just take each day as it comes and that we have to live each day to the fullest because we never know what is just around the corner. I’m trying to follow that; I really am. It’s just that John is saying take it slowly and I’ve got Martin in my head telling me to go full steam ahead. It would be so much easier if he was here.
When is your date with John?
Wednesday. I wanted to make sure that I’d be able to come in and talk to you the next day. You know, this whole talking about things isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s not as good as having Martin around, but it’s better than nothing. No offence.
None taken. I look forward to our visit on Thursday.
Date: Monday, 21 February 2005
Patient: S. Bennett #082315
Hello Sydney. You left our session rather abruptly last week. I trust everything is better today.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I just… well, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m better today. I haven’t had any nightmares since I last saw you. It was a rather, um, interesting weekend. After I left on Thursday I went to visit Martin. I miss him so much. He’s been gone for nearly a year and it still hurts as much now as it did then. I just sat there by his grave talking to him, telling him everything that had been going on. I told him that I wished he was still here so that he could help me through this. He would be able to make sense of everything. He would be able to tell me what I should do.
And what do you think Martin would want you to do?
He would be shoving me out the door toward John. He would be calling John up and making him come over. He thought that John and I were destined to be together and he would be so frustrated with me for being hesitant. I swear I could almost hear him yelling at me for being such an idiot. After I left the cemetery I drove around for a while, figuring out what I needed to do. What if John wanted me? What if he didn’t? What if he only thought he did but ended up leaving later? What if he found someone else and I had to watch them together? There were so many what if questions running through my mind. I didn’t even realize where I was driving until I found myself at John’s apartment. I sat in the car for the longest time, trying to work up the courage to talk to him. When I did go to the door I didn’t know what to expect. When he opened the door I just sort of fell into his arms and started crying.
What was his reaction?
He wanted to know what was wrong. At first he thought there was something wrong with Mason. We sat on his sofa and I told him that I didn’t have to know what the future held but I did need to know where I stood with him. I told him that I was still in love with him and that I needed to know up front what his feelings were; that I definitely wanted him in Mason’s life but that if he didn’t want me as part of the package that I needed to know that now because I just couldn’t go through losing him again. I was completely honest with him. I told him that if he didn’t want me I could handle it, but that it would be hard; that I probably wouldn’t be around much when he was with Mason; that I’d need the distance. He just listened as I poured everything out to him. I said that it’s not like I want wedding bells and baby booties. I just want to know that if he’s going to be a part of my life and how he wants to fit in my life. I don’t really know what I expected him to say.
What did he say?
He didn’t really say much at first. I had kind of laid a lot on him. I don’t think he was expecting me to say I was still in love with him.
Why do you say that?
It’s been a long time since we were together. I’ve been married and widowed since then. I guess he thought I was still angry at him for vanishing from my life, even though we had worked all that out already. I guess he didn’t realize what being on that island, how it affected the way I looked at him. He was just so… different. It was like he had found a sense of purpose. He was stronger. Not just physically, but emotionally. I saw him finally be able to let go of things that had been eating away at him for years. It was like he was the John I knew only magnified a thousand times. And it wasn’t like we spent a whole lot of time together, not that we could go anywhere to be alone. He was always busy in the hatch or hunting or trying to help someone. But when we did manage to find time together, there just seemed to be a connection there. We were only intimate once, and it was ironically enough on Christmas day. I was missing Mason so much. I had missed his fourth birthday, taking him trick-or-treating, and now I was missing Christmas with him. John and I started talking about it and one thing led to another and …. We were only together that one time but that one time … I didn’t expect to fall in love with him again. I didn’t want to. But I did. I didn’t tell him how I felt; he had too much other stuff to deal with. The last thing he needed was my emotional train wreck. Then things got crazy and I didn’t get a chance to tell him and we weren’t together like that again. I guess he just wasn’t expecting for me to say that I was in love with him because I hadn’t said it to him in five years.
How did he respond to that?
He, uh, he said that he definitely wanted to be a part of Mason’s life, wanted to be his father, wanted to be there and watch him grow up and be involved. He held my hand, tried to reassure me that he was not going anywhere. I think he understood my hesitancy to just open myself up to him before that day. He didn’t really come right out and say that we were going to get back together but then he wasn’t completely opposed to the idea either. He said he wanted to take things slowly because we had both been through a lot, both on the island and off. Plus we have to be careful for Mason’s sake. Anyway, we spent the afternoon talking and he asked if he could take Mason and me to dinner. We ended up going to this burger place close to the house that Mason loves. It was… nice. It was like we were a family or something. There wasn’t any awkwardness and it was just… perfect. He wanted to see Mason again on Friday and Saturday and Sunday and it was so nice. It’s like he can’t get enough of Mason and I know exactly how that feels. For months I didn’t know if I would ever see my son again. Now I’m reluctant to leave him for even an hour. He is the center of my life. I can’t say that I mind sharing him with John. They are so much alike that it is sometimes scary. You know, the more I spend time with John, the more I find myself falling for him. After Mason went to bed Sunday, John asked Mike and Sharla if they minded if he and I went out alone one night this week. They practically fell all over themselves offering to watch Mason so that John and I could go out. They pretty much figured out that John was Mason’s father the first time they saw him; there’s no mistaking that Mason looks just like John. And while Martin never told them John’s name, they always knew that I was deeply in love with him.
How do you feel about that?
About the date? Scared. All those what if’s are running through my head again…. I guess I should be okay with all of this. I mean, we started off slowly. So slowly that neither of us really realized what was going on until we were right in the middle of a relationship. I keep saying that I don’t want to get hurt but I think… I know that unless John and I end up together that I am going to be hurt. I’m in too deep and I don’t know what…. I was never this insecure before. Never. But between losing John and then losing Martin and then thinking I’d never see Mason again… now I find myself questioning everything. Martin used to say that we have to just take each day as it comes and that we have to live each day to the fullest because we never know what is just around the corner. I’m trying to follow that; I really am. It’s just that John is saying take it slowly and I’ve got Martin in my head telling me to go full steam ahead. It would be so much easier if he was here.
When is your date with John?
Wednesday. I wanted to make sure that I’d be able to come in and talk to you the next day. You know, this whole talking about things isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s not as good as having Martin around, but it’s better than nothing. No offence.
None taken. I look forward to our visit on Thursday.