To Feel

Chapter 4

The next morning when I woke it was to a panic. Someone knew.

I don’t think it had fully hit me yesterday but I was caught. One person knew and soon after another and another, and then they would all be trying to get me to talk about my problems, to get help, to stop cutting. They all disgust me. With their simple hypocritical minds, who don’t even realize what a wondrous thing they have. I sit on my bed carving designs into my flesh. My left arm is for lines, straight, pure relief. My right is to savor it, to worship and acknowledge the gift that is being given to me. One day I had carved up my entire right thigh with different Kryptonian symbols: family, friends, honor, happiness, love. It was all the things that I pretended to have, pretended to be. One the other leg was the truth, what my life is: dead, blood, hate, pain, lies, betrayal, freak. It fit me; the two halves that made me up. The truth that no one says and the lies that were all they wanted to see. It reminded me of what I had to do each day, why I put on this mask of a perfect life; because it was the only way to not suffer even more.

The only reason why I didn’t completely freak out and do something drastic now that someone knew, is because of who it was: Lex.

Lex was different. He could understand; so I would wait and see what he did next, to find what it is that he really wants.

The day continued and it was almost like nothing had changed. A small part of me had still expected Lex to tell someone, and all day I was waiting for the disgusted or concerned looks. But besides my dad still upset about me not going to the market, everything was the same. All my friends were still way too happy, making it painful to be around them; and the jocks were giving me looks like I’m a freak, not knowing how true they were. But after school, instead of ditching my friends to go home, I ditched them to go to Lex’s.

I ran all the way there, only slowing for the cameras at the gate. Lex’s servants were as helpful as ever and genuinely happy to see me I think? I couldn’t understand that; why would anyone care for a freak like me? I mean I have three friends who are more than happy without me and that I can barely stand to be around, and then Lex who is only interested in me for scientific reasons. I pushed the thoughts away again as I stepped into Lex’s office to see him at his computer as usual.

“Clark! I wasn’t expecting you so soon. Schools only been out for… five minutes?” He questioned, confused.

“I ran.” I explained as I took a seat across from him. “I told you I was fast.” I added with a smirk, amused that I could get such a shocked look from Lex Luthor but then saw the skepticism slip over it.

“Come with me, I’ll prove it.”

With a few clicks of his computer keys Lex stood up, shutting the laptop. “ All right, now what?” Lex said, and I tried not to let the doubt in his voice hurt me.

“Lets walk down the street a bit and then we’ll go somewhere.” I offered and with a sharp nod he took the lead, taking us out of his house and down the street.

When we were about a quarter mile from the house and no cars were within sight I stopped.

“This is good. Come here.” Lex took a few steps closer, still confused. “No, I got to hold onto you… is that ok?” There was a brief flash something in his eyes but it was gone too quickly to discern. Without further hesitation he stepped right up to me and as I wrapped my arms around him, he wrapped his around my waist. I felt a shiver go up and down my back from where his hands were and barely held back a gasp. Something inside me was stirring; but I didn’t know what, and now wasn’t the time to figure it out.

“Keep your eyes shut.” I whispered in his ear as I tucked his head into my shoulder. He gave a quick squeeze on my back, letting me know he was ready, and the next second we were gone.

When he had first showed skepticism I knew exactly where I would take him, it was one of my favorite places to escape to.

It took almost ten minutes to get there, but I was worried about Lex so I had gone a little slower. When I stopped I was reluctant to let Lex go but wrote it off as making sure that he had his bearings. When he did step back I heard him gasp at the sight before him, and I could not take my eyes off of him, for once ignoring the roaring water.

“Clark? That’s Niagara falls.”

“Yep. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Clark… Niagara falls is in New York.”

“Yep.”

“Holy shit.” Lex gasped out, still staring wide eyed at the water fall.

“It’s nice here. I come some times to think.” ‘Or cut’ I add in my mind but somehow I think Lex hears the unspoken words. He has finally drawn his eyes from the fall, completely back in control, and giving me one of his penetrating looks. I look away, unable to handle those eyes and begin fingering the blade in my pocket.

“It’s amazing Clark, is there anywhere else you’d like to show me?”

I look at him surprised, amazed at how quickly he truly is beginning to understand. “Anywhere you want as long as I don’t have to cross an ocean.”

“How about Yosemite? Visiting National Parks wasn’t really big on my father’s list of things to do when I was young.”

I gave a smile; pleased that I could give him something he had never experienced, and after taking him in my arms once more vanished from where we had been.

I took him to five other places that day, three of them not in the US and before I realized it three hours had gone by, and it had been six hours since I had cut. I was so shocked I just stood there for awhile trying to understand. The only reason why I had noticed at all was because some stranger in Mexico had grabbed my arm, trying to get me to buy something. That one touch brought it all back, and also got me wondering why I didn’t have that reaction to Lex. He had touched me all afternoon but I had no problem with his touch unless I was thinking and expecting it like yesterday. I realized that watching Lex’s happiness at visiting all these places had distracted me from my constant pain. That giving him happiness could satisfy me in a way that only my blade could. But once it had been realized again it didn’t go away, the itch grew and grew and I couldn’t stop twitching, needing to put everything right again. Lex of course had noticed and finally agreed to go home. I quickly took him back in my arms, it only too clear now that I felt no warmth from him, and ran faster than before back to his mansion. I ran straight into the mansion, depositing him onto the couch before he understood we were back again, and vanished into the bathroom. I sat curled up on the counter, trembling with my arm hanging over the sink, and in a rush rolled up my sleeve and had my blade out bringing it across my arm. I was on my third cut by the time Lex came in. I paused for a split second, wondering what he was going to do; but as he remained there watching I drew it across my arm once more. I sat for awhile, watching the blood run down my arm as I danced the tip of the blade along my flesh; not cutting, just watching the green veins grow and follow the blade.

“Why’s it doing that?” Lex finally questioned, but I didn’t stop my patterns.

“I’m allergic to the green meteor rock, it feels like it’s boiling my blood.” I answered, half in a trance.

“That sounds painful?” I heard him say, wincing at the thought of blood boiling inside of you.

“It is.” I said simply, with not pain etched in my voice, but joy.

“Is it always like this, with you desperate to cut again?” He asked, the scientist in him shinning through.

“Not always, it depends. But I usually don’t last that long without cutting.”

“How long had it been? And how long do you usually last?”

“It was about six hours, but I can usually only last four. You somehow distracted me from it.” I added, at last looking up to catch the pleased look in his eye. I gave him a smirk before reluctantly turning on the tap, washing the blade before drying it on my pants and slowly slipping into the sheath. I could feel everything slipping away again as the wounds in my arm closed, leaving only blood and a few silver lines as evidence.

“That’s amazing Clark.” Lex whispered softly, calling me back to reality and I reluctantly washed the rest of the blood away. “It’s late you should probably return home.”

I remained still for a moment. I didn’t want to leave, this had been the best day I had had in who knows how long. But I knew I had to, knew there were chores to be done and that I must pretend that nothing has changed. I gave a nod, sliding off the counter but not saying anything to Lex as I began to walk away.

“Clark!” His voice stopped me at the door and I waited to hear what he had to say, not able to turn around. “I enjoyed today, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” I whispered. Then turned out the door, wanting to get away before I couldn’t leave.

****************

When school got out the next day I was less willing to see him again. It was making things complicated, and I just wanted them simple. And I still didn’t know what he wanted, what it was that would assure me that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

But like a good alien I arrived after school, for once not lying to my friends and telling them that I had promised to go see Lex. They were half disappointed that I wasn’t hanging out with them, but also clearly relieved I was resuming some old ‘normal’ habits.

Lex was in his office as usual but as soon as I walked in he closed down his laptop. “I was hoping that we could do some… tests today.”

I froze for a moment, the fear that I had held all my life surging forward. My parents had always threatened what would happen if someone found out. Said that they would take me away from them; strap me down to some table, hurt me, dissect me. But this was Lex. Lex who was my friend, Lex who was just a curious scientist, Lex who I could trust, Lex who I promised anything as long as he kept my secrets.

“Where to?” I questioned and it was Lex’s turn to pause. Search my eyes to see if I was truly ok with this. Whatever he saw there must have been enough because he guided me out of the office, down two flights of steps and into a room that you had to put in a code before you could enter. He flipped on the lights to reveal a sterile and extremely organized room with all the gadgets a mad scientist could need.

“Why don’t you sit on the table, I just want to get some basic information.” He said and rummaged around in a cupboard. He came back with something that I hadn’t seen before and asked for my arm.

“What is that?”

“It takes your blood pressure, haven’t you seen one before?”

“Nope, my parents never let me see a doctor. I’d be a most difficult patient anyway.” He paused and looked at me, probably reminding himself what I am again, before turning back to his work. After that he did some other tests, took my heart rate and despite my warnings attempted to take a blood sample.

“I have your heart rate when resting, but I want you to jog around her for a few minutes and then I’ll take it again.”

“Lex, running around here for even an hour isn’t going to change my heart rate. How about I run home, get you a container of my blood, run back, and then you can check my heart rate.”

He agreed, so I disappeared out of the room at full speed and was home within seconds. While I stood in the loft I debated about talking a bit longer and adding a few cuts to my arm. It had only been three hours but I didn’t know how long I would be with Lex and wasn’t sure if he would let me cut in front of him. In the end I figured I had wasted enough time and that any longer would be suspicious, so I took one of the larger jars with my blood and then was back again in the lab.

“That seemed to take a while.” He stated as he wrote something down but it clearly wasn’t a random comment.

“Yeah, I uh…”

“Don’t lie to me anymore Clark. Ever.” He said sharply, his eyes piercing into me. “Now tell me the reason.”

“I was going to cut…” He reached out and took an arm before I could say more, sliding up a sleeve. “I didn’t though.” I finished as he ran his hand over my arm. There wouldn’t have been a way for him to know if I had or not since I healed so fast, but he was right, and I didn’t want to lie to him.

“Why didn’t you?” Maybe he did have a way of knowing.

“I… It would take too long, and then I knew you would know.” I admitted but didn’t regret my words.

“Not exactly the most virtuous of reasons.” He said with a smirk but released my arm, and then picking up the jar of blood next to me. “I’m going to run some tests on this, it will take a while so you can go home if you want.”

I paused, surprised by his words. “Your going to send me home, knowing that I’ll cut myself very soon?” I asked, surprised that he wasn’t trying to stop me, but more than slightly relieved.

“If that was the only way to make me feel alive, I would be doing the same thing.” Relief and joy filled me at his words, he did understand. I felt something surge inside of me, something telling me to take him in my arms and kiss him, show him how much his words meant to me. My arm was half way up before I remembered I despise touching, it reminds me that I can’t feel, makes the fact all too clear. I dropped my arm, and gaze to the ground, disconcerted with these strange things going on inside of me.

“Thank you.” I whispered, and then left. Exhilarated with this new knowledge and ready for anything.


A/N: I don't really have the time for this story, so unless I get reviews saying otherwise I'm probably going to drop it, sorry.