I surrender ... I survive
Part 5
Title: I surrender … I survive (part 5)
Author: Mary Eve Parker
Feedback: ms.parker@gmx.at
Category: AU, Harm/Renee, Babyfic,
Harm/Mac?
Spoilers: None
Note: song “Family Portrait” is by Pink
Rating: NC-17
Located:
AM: I tried something different here, to
work her past in. If some elements are not 100% correct, I am sorry, but I
wrote it one afternoon because I got inspired by the song. This is my story and
I use the characters …
~*~
I surrender … I survive
Part 5
~*~
He was holding her when she pushed him away
to get sair,air,e spe space, a second to clear her head. She was still angry at
him, at what he'd done and said.
“What was so complicated, Mac?” he asked
softly. “What do you do not want to tell me?”
“I do not want to talk about it, please
Harm, go to bed.”
He tried to move down to the wheel chair
but it looked easier than it was. “Wait a minute, let me help you.”
“No Mac, you will not …”
“I am pregnant, not an invalid.”
“But you should not …”
Suddenly she heard Tristan crying from the
other room.
“I will be back in a minute,” she said in a
motherly tone.
xxxx
“Calm down honey,” Mac murmured and took
Tristan out of his bed. The silky maternity nightgown had been a gift from
Trish before she left. It was all silk and lace, dark greenish, nearly emerald.
It fit her perfectly, snuggled all the right places on her pregnant body.
The doctor had told her that during the
next few weeks she would grow bigger and probably gain some weight because the
babies take their last grow spurts. He also told her that he was not sure how
long she would be carrying them, 35 would be good, 40 perfectly.
She sat down with the baby in her arm into
the loveseat, the bottle next to her but she thought differently. She had told
her GYN that she was lactating and had to use those pads so there wouldn’t be
any wet circles on her uniform and then the doctor suggested that she should
try to nurse Tristan so she would not make a difference when nursing her twins
later. The doctor suggested, as Gram had done before, that she should nurse all
three so the bond would be the same.
SoB>So she opened the strap from the gown and
saw the soft white drops on the tip of her nearly black areolas. Tristan almost
calmed down. She slowly put the baby into position; this was new, even after
all these weeks. One hand rested on Tristan’s head and the other slowly holding
her breast, so he was able to find her nipple and suddenly he started suckling.
It was a completely new feeling. A tiny mouth on her nipple, a sound of a happy
baby. Harm's baby. Renee’s baby, but now her baby.
Mac watched carefully how his lips curled
and his hand softly touched her full breast and nearly put her on fire. This
small baby hand told her how much she was needed here. Mac had never thought
that she could really nurse Tristan because she didn’t believe in it but now it
was obvious.
And her mind start wondering how Tristan
w loo look later, how his dark hair would make him look like his father, those
blue eyes.
After fifteen minutes Mac changed sides and
he started to suckle again softly, after another quarter of an hour she put him
back to bed, softly watched his face relax and put the big pillow over him to keep
him warm.
xxx
When Mac came back to her room Harm was
gone. She was happy about it because she didn’t feel well facing this now at
night. She wanted to turn back time but this dream often came up her mind.
She knew that too many things had gone
wrong. Mac sat down on her bed but she was not able to lie down. Slowly she got
up again and went towards Harm’s room. She had to smile when she saw him in his
bed, asleep. He looked so calm and happy, peaceful.
xxx
“You alright?” Harm asked when he went
downstairs. Mac was standing at the open fridger, tr, taking a deep breath, one
hand pressed into the small of her back.
“Yeah thanks, they are just kicking into my
ribcage.”
“You are big and …”
“You don’t need to tell me Harm, I noticed
that. I get out of breath as soon as I try to climb the four stairs down to the
garden, to get some fresh air. My back has been killing me for weeks now, I
lactate – as you may have noticed those wet spots on the shirt – my feet are
swollen, my uniform is too tight everywhere and I had to take the dog tags off
because I got an allergic reaction from it and red points around my neck.”
“But you look amazing,” Harm said with a
huge smile playing on his lips.
“Spare those words for somebody who
believes it.”
Harm moved the wheel chair towards Mac who
just closed the fridge and put both hands on the table, taking a few deep
breaths. He was now right behind her, fixed the brakes on the chair and put his
hands on her hips. She suddenly flexed and moaned softly.
“Sit down on the sofa, I will try …”
“You can not, remember? And please Harm, I
am just pregnant, I can handle myself.”
“What is it? Do you want me to go again?
Okay, I will call Frank to pick me up and take me to their house in …”
“No Harm, just give me a break. All this is
not easy for me; nothing of that was planned.”
“Planned?” Harm asked and removed his hands.
“Yes,” Mac mumbled and moved towards the
balcony, pulled a jacket over her shoulders and moved outside; let the snow
fall onto the softness of her dark hair.
The moment she knew that Renee was pregnant
with Harm’s baby she had decided to leave. It was not an easy decision for her,
not easily made up. She sat more than one evening at home crying, crying to the
point where no tears were left anymore.
She had told herself that those things
would not happen again …
Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand
the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breakin' as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you said
She had told herself that she would not
tear a family apart with her feelings. He had made his bed, her place was
somewhere else. Mac hoped that his baby would have a better life, a perfect
family – a mother who would cry in church at the wedding, a dad who would give
his girl away at church; a mother who would make a costume for Halloween and a
father to play Lego with or in the sandbox.
Everything Mac ever wanted.
You fight about money, 'bout me …
And this I come home to, this is my
shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War Three
Never knowin' what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family
Mac was also remembering how good things had
been. She remembered what her mother looked like after one or the other night –
the blue eyes, bruised ribs, broken fingers. She remembered her father when he
was drinking and how she felt after her mother left.
She felt lost, forgotten, alone.
Nobody should feel like she did, nobody.
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t leave
She felt Harm rolling towards her. “Please
Harm, don’t; you do not understand it.”
“Please make me understand.”
“I cannot,” she replied and went back
inside. Mac waddled as fast as she could into the guest room downstairs, which
would be Harm’s in a few days. She closed the door behind her and lay down on
the bed, curled up, and started to cry.
Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand
the sound
Make mama stop cryin', 'cause i need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember:- I love you too !
The next moment Mac remembered was Harm
sitting next to her on the bed, one arm around her belly, smoothing the moving
babies down, whispering a lullaby to them. The other hand was resting on the
mattress next to her face with a handkerchief in his hand.
I ran away today, ran from the noise,
ran away
Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War Three
Never knowin what love could be, I've seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family
Runniway way had always been her way to
deal with big problems. She tried it more than once. She would even have
considered moving to Australia with Brumby to save the wedding, but she didn’t
need to think about it. The wedding never took place.
“Tell me what you don’t want me to know,”
he said softly, “I know it is bothering you. I don’t want you to feel stressed.”
“Why do you care Harm?” she said without
thinking about the words.
“Because I've always cared about you. It
was always important for me to know that you are doing fine.”
“I am doing fine now Harm.”
“Yeah it is the typical ‘Mac fine’. I've
known you too long and too well not to know.”
“You think you know me, Harm? Well you
don’t. You do not know a lot about me, about my past.”
“I am not interested in your past. I know
that things went wrong and I know that you never wanted to tell me about it.” He
took a deep breath. “But if you want to tell me now I will listen to you, try
to understand you. I just want you to talk to me.” His fingers moved over Mac’s
cheek. “I do not want you to think that you cannot tell me.”
“But you never told me first.”
“Mac?”
“About Renee …”
“I left you a note on your desk before
Renee picked me up. I thought you realised, that somebody told you and you just
didn’t want to talk about it.”
“But you never said a word to me, you never
talked to me at all. We never worked on the same cases anymore; it was always you
and Bud against me. You didn’t try to contact me in private, nothing. What
should I have thought?”
“I thought if it would be a problem for
you, you would try to talk to me, say a word. You never said anything, *never*.
And after I pronounced my impending fatherhood /spa/span>
“Please Harm … go, leave me alone,” she
said and waited for him to leave the room but he didn’t even move, except his
hand which was still placed on her belly. It worked amazingly, they babies
seemed to sleep. “What did you expect me to do? Be happy? I nearly waited five
years, five long years to have a baby … with you. And then, just a few days
before the day arrives you impregnate another woman! How do you think I would
fe she she nearly screamed at him. All the anger came out.
She started to move to the other side of
the bed, to get out and flee. To run. To run from the past. The present. The
future.
But the moment her feet touched the floor a
strong pain shot through her body. Mac screamed and moaned soundly after it.
She froze in place.
Harm noticed it, moved as quickly as
possible into the wheelchair and went over to her. He stopped in front of her
and saw the pain in her face.
“Mac, lie down slowly, put a pillow behind
your head and take some slow breaths. I will call the ambulance.”
over already. But you can call my doctor please.”
An hour later the doctor came out of the
guestroom and headed towards Harm, Trish and Grams. Frank and the women wanted
to fly back to their own houses for the weekend but when Harm called they
returned immediately.
n lan lang=EN-GB>“So what can you tell us?” Harm asked the
tall blond woman, clad in dark blue jeans and a red Ralph Lauren shirt.
“She is doing fine. As she may have told
you yesterday, she could give birth any day from now but the longer the babies
are in her belly the better their lungs will work and the more they will gain.
It is important that they have a good weight, both and not just the bigger
one.”
“She hasn’t told me anything about
yesterday. She went to bed early. Oh, well she said lactation started.”
“Yes that is right, a normal reaction. Well
could I speak with you in private?”
“I have no secrets, it's my mother and my
grandma.”
“But it is not about you but about Colonel
…”
“Yes it would be fine.”
Together they moved towards the kitchen and
closed the door.
“Look, you are right, she told you that
lactation started. I know that Tristan isn’t her baby but yours. She loves the
boy and tries the best to be a good mother, or however you want to call her
status quo. But the last weeks were hard on her, and for Tristan. He is, as far
as I can tell, developing just fine but as soon as the twins are born, *she*
has to take care of three babies and she is afraid of it, afraid to do things
wrong. I told her to nurse him now to get him used to it so there won't be any
jealousy afterwards.”
“Okay …,” Harm said and looked questioning
up to the woman.
“I want her to stay most of the time in bed
for now. I know that you are not doing well yourself but it is the best for her
and the babies.”
“That’s no problem, a nurse will come …”
now. Do not try to push her into directions she d’t w’t want to go to. I realise
that there are a lot of things you have to talk about. I will allow her to walk
around a bit, but not much, an hour per day. I know that she will not be able
to lie in bed all day, she is still a Marine.”
“Oh hell yes she is again.”
“What else did she tell you? Did anything
bother her before?”
“Well not really. Today in the morning she
complained about the babies hitting against her ribs and that she had an
allergic reaction on the dog tags.”
“Yeah she seems to be allergic to
everything except gold but she isn’t able to wear any rings at all because her
fingers are swollen.”
“Oh I know.”
“But the thing is, that I do want you to
take a little care of her. I know Mac so well that I can tell that she begs for
attention, your attention, but she would never tell you. Sooner or later she
will tell you the whole story.”
“You know about it?”
“Sure, but it isn’t for me to tell you.”
“Well, so what can I do?”
“Sit by her side, take care of Tristan … -
normal things. Everything extra ordinary would make her guess that I told you.”
“You know Mac?”
“Of course I do. We first met in Japan before she got married to Chris. But we haven’t seen each other in ages before we
finally met again a couple of months ago before she got pregnant. Harriet
Roberts was one of my patients; she brought Mac to me after her return from New York.”
Harm just nodded, his eyes fixed some point
on the floor. He was not able to meet her gaze. Everybody knew more about Mac than
he did.
Xxx
Mac tried to get some sleep, she moved from
one side to the other but the babies did not seem to care. She heard a soft
whining before the door opened and Harm brought Tristan, who was in his lap
while he was manoeuvring towards the bed.
“Hey how are you? This little guy is hungry
but he refuses to take the bottle,” Harm commented with a smile.
Mac sat up, smiled, and took Tristan into
her arms. She couldn’t tell yet if the baby was smiling or not but he calmed
down. Harm had to smile at the picture that was presented him – they looked so
natural together.
Harm was watching her with big eyes when
she put the baby next to her, she slowly pulled the dark blue pregnancy shirt
over her head with a moan; and her breast, held together in a white nursing
bra, settled back on her belly. Harm could see a foot under the skin of the
belly.
“Ouch,” she said and rubbed the spot on her
belly where the foot had been before.
“You nurse him?”
“Yeah I try to. I already produce enough
milk and this way I do not need to pump,” she said, calmly unfastening the left
side of her bra, and her breast pushed forward. Harm studied it carefully, the
fullness and roundness of it – he tried to guess about the cup. He had always
wondered about what would be under those straight uniforms of hers, what she
was hiding. Then those dresses at the embassy, the balls all those dressed were
hiding little; but now this was different. She was nursing his son on her
breast.
He remembered her nipples from the night he
slept with her, making love would be the wrong term. Those were noticeably larger;
the tips were bigger in size and darker in colour.
let them roll through his fingers, suckle them, kiss them, feel them rub
against his chest while making love to Mac.
His son felt the warmth of Mac’s skin,
opened his mouth and latched on, one hand above her nipple, pressing against
her skin.
Harm felt warmth spread through his body,
an arousing warmness. He felt his manhood rise to the point when he couldn’t
ignore it anymore. It was the first time since he was back in his, Mac’s,
house, he felt home, really home.
Of course it was not the first erection she
caused; he had stopped counting over the years.
Harm noticed Mac closing her eyes when
Tristan started to suckle regularly and hard. “Calm down honey, there is enough
for you … and for the rest of the group,” Mac mumbled.
“You are so tifutiful,” Harm commented
happily, “I've never seen something more beautiful.”
“Harm,” she said and blushed.
“No I mean it Mac. I always knew that
pregnancy would suit you perfectly, I just never thought that you would look so
radiant.” The redness started to flush her décolleté. “You look amazingly
beautiful, so natural. God, what would I do to touch you, kiss you or make love
to you.”
“You cannot.”
“I could kiss you.”
“Well yes but I guess your son would not
like to be interrupted now and put aside.”
That was Harm’s sign to pull him up up and
down next to Mac, a soft pain rose in his left leg but he ignored it.
“You know I've wanted to kiss you forever,”
he said and softly moved a hand over Mac’s belly which was visible shown, and
the jogging pants were resting under it. Her belly button popped a few days
ago. His warm hand danced over the tight skin.
Harm’s head started to rise and cross Mac’s
eyes. A wetness was rising in them, a smile dancing on her kissable lips.
And then their mouths met for the first
time in a long. This time it was slowly. Firstly just their lips met, and then
slowly she started to trace his lips with the tip of her tongue. Harm moved closer
towards her.
“God Mac you make me so hot but it is not
the time for it now, we just cannot. I just cannot.”
She didn’t reply to it, but moaned into her
mouth when he opened oth other side of the nursery bra and softly started to
tease her nipple till it tightened completely and a milk trop touched Harm’s
fingers.
“I always wanted you, Mac, always, every day.”
“But it is not enough anymore Harm,” she
said and broke the kiss off. “I have too much to take care of now. I will not
be able to work for quite some time. I have some money put aside so it won’t be
a problem but I am not sure if I will be able to go back to work within two
years. I don’t want the babies to stay with a day-mother or something like that
for the first two years. It’s your decision what you want to do with Tristan,
he is your son, but I decide myself what I will do with the twins.”
“What about their father?” he asked afraid
to hear the answer. Was it AJ?
“He does not know, he will never know and
he does not care at all. It was artificial insemination. I wanted a baby Harm,
you had your family and I needed my own. I am not sleeping with just
everybody,” Mac replied, “What did you think? I would not move on with my life?
I had to, I was falling apart. I needed my own family, I needed … I had to
leave. I saw too many families to break apart.”
Then he realised it. She went away to save
his marriage, save his family. And she was jealous, jealous of a family he
would have, without her.
He didn’t know what to say so he stayed
silent. Mac was staring at Tristan’s head, not saying a word either.
“What do you want Mac?” he asked after a
few minutes.
“I don’t know. I never knew …”
“You always know what you want but you
never seem to tell anybody. I am the same.”
“No you are not. You always do what you
want, you know it. You wanted to go back to flying, you did.”
“Yeah but those things never … I mean
relationships and so on. Seldom, I get what I want working …”
“You never had a problem with
relationships.”
“What? Mac look at my past, there are tons
…”
“You have never had problems, like I said.”
“But I only had sex with them, I didn’t
know a lot about them. They were easy to get. Jordan was the only one who was
interested in my past but it didn’t work out. I am not good with getting
serious. But I never wanted to get serious with anybody but … but you, Mac.”
Mac only started to laugh. She couldn’t hold
it anymore. “You never wanted me Harm. You had more than once chance but you
never made a pass on me.”
“Chances? Me?” Harm put a finger on Mac’s
cheek to move it towards him, to look into her eyes, “I never had a chance Mac,
you never showed any interest in me.”
“I did, I went to you when Brumby broke up
with me … oh, because he was thinking that I was more involved with you then I
would ever be with him, because you knew what I want.”
“I told you why Renas aas at my place, her
dad died a few hours before. I wanted to be with you but I could not throw her
out.”
“You know, that night, I seriously wanted a
bottle of vodka in my fridge … there was nothing more I lusted more for. It had
always helped before, always.”
“But you were strong, as always,” he nearly
whispered.
The room was filled with a compassionate
silence; the only sound was Tristan’s calm suckling. Harm softly caressed his
son’s head.
Xxx
“I have some soup for you,” Trish said when
she opened the door and found Harm sleeping curled around Mac, his hand resting
protectively on her belly and Tristan next to Mac. The pregnant woman was tlestless,
only clad in sweats and her bra.
Gram came towards her daughter-in-law and
together they studied the happy small family sleeping. Both women were smiling
and went back to the kitchen to have some coffee together.
“They look so comfortable together,” Trish
said and sipped on the coffee.
“They love each other Trish; it just takes
some time to say it.”
“Harm has always been stubborn, like his
father. I knew Harmon two years before he said more then ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodbye’,
another year before we dated the first time but quickly after that we got
married, I pregnant with Harm, and Harmon went missing.”
“You had too little time together. That’s
why I am glad that he cannot go back to active status anymore. She needs him now
more than ever,” Gram replied. “She always needed him but he was too stubborn
to act on his feelings, too stubborn to see it.”
“You are right. Did you also saw the need
in her eyes?”
Both women giggled.
“Did they ever …,” Trish said between
hiccups.
“Hmm… you want to know things about your
son!”
“Forget it.”
“They did some time ago once, but they try
to get around that.”
“Oh…,” she blushed, imagining her son
kissing Mac …
Xxx
Five days later Mac’s doctor came to ask
her a few questions and control the babies’ vitals.
“How do you feel?” the doctor asked Mac.
They were alone in the bedroom.
“Fine, no pain anymore.”
“Your blood pressure is perfectly low and
they are already in a perfect position to be born. You are 35 weeks along
today, between now and week 38 most twins are born naturally but if they want
to stay 40 weeks in there it is okay too. Their heartbeats are loud, regular
and strong and I guess they are quite active. You should start now with some
Lamaze classes; I could also get yoDVD DVD to work at home.”
“That would be perfect,” Mac replied with a
smile.
“What about nursing Tristan, does it work?”
“Perfectly, I could nurse him four to five
times a day but I keep it three times a day and pump if necessary.”
“Show me your breasts now please,” she said
and watched Tristan sleeping at the head of Mac’s bed. Mac pulled the shirt over
her head and unfastened bra bra.
“They might swell a size bigger after
birth,” she commented and touched the sides slowly to see if she feels
something uncommon, but everything was fine, perfectly fine. “What do you wear
at the moment?”
“Good question, I guess thie hee here is a
FF cup but I am not sure, they are all cut differently. I don’t like those but
the lace irritates my nipples. Usually I really like wired but this is without,
but I only put it on some time ago because of the supporting straps.”
“I know what you are talking about; I have
three girls and a boy on my own – all under the age of five.”
The reply did not shock Mac; she had seen
the pictures on the walls in her office. Four blond children with blue eyes and
a light skin.
“Your weight is okay, a few pounds more
then average but you are tall. I want to do an ultrasound middle of next week
to know their weight and size, but I can tell you already that they will be
tall and I guess have a good weight.”
“You can tell that by looking at me?”
“And by knowing you. You look great and you
are not a cranky person; never been. Your belly looks tight and I can see their
hands and legs when they move and kick around.”
Xxx
When the Doc left Harm moved to her room, “How are your legs doing?” Mac asked and “You don’t have to hide it; I have already “GB>“Girls?” “Your breasts, especially when Tristan is Mac suddenly lifted her head and they “I want you to marry me.” No was was said, the only sound was the regular “I cannot.” Slowly Harm stood up and went towards the “Okay, just forget it though; forget that I “Harm, yon’t n’t understand.” She said and “We do not have to tell anybody.” “No Harm, it isn’t right. You have to give “You want me to mourn over Renee’s death? I “But if things bother you Harm you maybe “I will not tell you.” “It was about me?” “Many things were about you and what you “But I never wanted that to happen, I “You can never know how other people will “I could not Harm, it was the best for both “I know. We only slept twice without “Things?” Mac asked and they changed “Yes, Renee was jealous, more than jealous “What do you mean?” Mac asked and leaned “She started to gain too much weight, her Xxxxxxx End part 5 More? Ms.Parker@gmx.at
left his wheel chair at the door and made the few steps towards her bed alone.
Mac had to smile at seeing his progress.
tried to hide her chest under a shirt again.
had a close look at it.” She smiled, “And I like the new size of the girls.”
suckling. It is a picture I never imagined,” Harm took a deep breath and put
one hand over hers, “you said that you needede ane and I am willing to give you
everything you want. I mean a family; I mean your kids could have a father if
you want. I want you in Tristan’s life and I want you in mine. I want us to be
together, I always wanted us to be a couple. You have no clue how often I was
sitting in my office imagining how it would be to press you against the wall in
your office and ravish you. It was not always about how it would feel to be
inside you, mostly I wanted to bring you to orgasm with my mouth, I dreamed of
it – believe me Mac. And I dreamed of waking up next to you, after a night we
spent together cuddling. I like sex, of course, I am a guy but it is not the
most important thing for me, not my own pleasure. I always thought of you as my
soul mate Mac because sometimes I felt like you were the only person who understood
me,” he started to stare at their hands. “I want to tell you that I am sorry
for what I said to you before I went back to active status. I don’t know what
was going on inside me. I don’t know what happened with me after you left,
there was a part inside me who didn’t want life anymore, a part that died the
moment you left. But don’t think that I want to fool ody ody but myself for
what happened. I have to thank you that you came back for the funeral, that you
stayed after it and took care of Tristan. He accepted ys his his mother, he
never knew another one. You were the first and I want you to be the only one.
Forever.”
stared at each other.
breathing of both.
windo0w, partly shocked by Mac’s answer.
ever asked you.”
got out of bed to stand behind him, her belly pressed against his back, “Renee
just died Harm, it isn’t correct. What would people think? I cannot marry you
because it would just not be right.”
yourself time to mourn.”
dt, It, I mourned. You do not know what happened when you were away, and I do
not want to speak with you about it. I want to forget it. Things I never want
to have to think about again happened. Never ever.”
should tell somebody.”
did, do and have done; what you think, thought or would think …”
thought that when I left…”
react. I was down, I didn’t want to speak to anybody. The wedding day was set
and we got married. I hoped that you would come. I hoped that you would email
me back but you never did.”
sides. I wanted you to have the family you decided to have. It was your
decision to go this way, back to her.”
protection, only twice and so it hned.ned. I had to marry her, I always told
myself that if there was a baby I would settle down, even give up my active
status, I mean the possibility to go back. But things developed differently. I
thought things would change when we were married but they didn’t.”
places, she was now standing in front of him, studying the falling snow while
his hands rested on her belly.
of you and sheppedpped taking care of herself, her body and the unborn baby.”
into his stronger body but not completely; not to put all her weight on his
still wlegslegs.
blood pressure was too high and she got aggressive and loud very quickly.” Mac stayed
calm. “I told her to stop a few things and she only yelled at me, the result
was that I slept in another bed, in another room and tried not to cross her way
… up to the day when things happened.”