Love's Sweet Revenge

By the time he reached the temple, Autolycus was growing weary from the nonstop pace he'd set for himself. The fact that he still hadn't eaten anything substantial all day wasn't helping either. But he wasn't going to be able to rest until he knew what was really going on.

"Hello? Um...anybody home?" Okay, that probably wasn't how someone was supposed to go about addressing the Gods, he realized, feeling pretty embarrassed to be here and asking for a God's help to begin with. Autolycus had never been an overly...religious...man, preferring to rely more on his own wits than on prayers to get what he wanted.

"Okay, uh...well, I've brought an offering...wasn't sure what exactly you were into: food, flowers, animal sacrifices...so I just brought a nice stack of dinars, feel free to spend 'em for whatever turns you on..."

"And from whom did you steal those?"

The voice right behind Autolycus startled him, because he had not heard anyone sneak up on him. He turned around and was doubly startled, because it turned out the voice belonged to-

"Cupid! So you are the one whose been messing around with my head. Why?" Though he had never seen the God in person before, he had no doubt who it was. The impressive white wings and the satchel of his famed arrows slung over his broad shoulders were a dead giveaway.

The God didn't look angry-which was a bit of a relief to Auto. Cupid said, "Actually, it's my mother's fault. And I should think the 'why' would be obvious to you. Or did you believe you could steal from one of her temples and get away with it without some form of retribution?"

"What?!" The thief was utterly baffled. "I didn't steal anything from Aphrodite. Do you think the King of Thieves got his title by being dumb enough to actually steal from a God? Well, at least a God as high up as her?"

Cupid looked surprised, and paused to consider Auto's reaction. "My mother's temple outside Preveza was burglarized, and the man responsible left this." The scroll appeared instantly in the God's hand. He held it out for Autolycus to inspect.

The thief mumbled to himself, reading the scroll with a frown. The handwriting was not his, nor did he ever leave such an idiotic calling card at the scenes of his crimes. He never needed to. "This is a joke, right? I didn't write this! Wait a minute..." Autolycus narrowed his eyes as he inspected the markings stamped in waxt hat had been used to seal the scroll. He recognized that seal..."Beron, you son of a Bacchai..."

"Beron?" Cupid interrupted.

Autolycus shook his head and handed the scroll back to Cupid. "Beron is another thief, from Preveza, right where you said the temple was trashed. He's cheesed at me because he thinks he should have the title of King of Thieves for himself. He probably figured if he could set me up for robbing Aphrodite, it would put me out of commission-and he almost pulled it off, the slimy rat..."

"How do you know it's him?"

"That's his seal, on the scr Hey Hey, I have to be up on my competition! So, now that we've figured that out, why don't you go tell your mommy to take her little love spell off me and go harass Beron instead for a while."

"Well, the problem is, she already lifted the spell this morning."

Auto so didn't want to believe that. He knew it was true, somewhere deep inside, but it didn't make it any easier to accept. "But...I, ah...why am I still..."

Cupid stepped closer to Auto and helped him finish his thought, "...feeling like you're in love? You're surprised to find out you enjoyed being with Joxer, even if it was Aphrodite who put you there to begin with?"

"No!" Autolycus answered quickly, but the God held his gaze, patiently waiting for the truth. It was hard to lie to him. I guess Gods have that effect on us mortals. "Okay, maybe...I don't know...I mean, Joxer, he's such a....a....he's Joxer! And he's a man, for Zeus' sake!"

"Yes, he is. But love doesn't care about gender. Love only cares about what the heart sees and feels," Cupid explained gently. "What does your heart tell you?"

"My heart...my heart tells me I'm crazy. Delusional."

Cupid shook his golden-haired head patiently. "That's your mind, trying to rationalize that which cannot be explained. No, your heart..." The God rested a gentle, strong hand on Auto's chest. The touch seemed to spread out warm tendrils through his body, tendrils that dissipated much of the anxiety and fear the thief was feeling. Cupid coaxed, "Listen to it...tell me what it is telling you."

Auto closed his eyes and breathed deep. He tried to do as Cupid suggested, and the results were startlingly clear. "It's telling me, 'Hey, Auto, you just had one really great night with someone. Why are you fighting it so much? So Joxer might be a little weird, but he's not really as bad as everyone thinks he is. Maybe he's...even kind of...cute-in a scrawny, ferret-faced kind of way..."

He opened his eyes to see Cupid grinning at him. Removing his hand, he asked, "Anything else?"

"It's also telling me I was a royal jerk this morning with the way I treated him, because of my own fear. And at the very least I owe him an apology."

Cupid nodded. "I think that would be a very good idea. I don't suppose I have to tell you, last time I checked on him, he wasn't doing particularly well."

Autolycus frowned, picturing all too easily the state Joxer must be in. "Is he in some kind of danger?"

"If not yet, I think he might be soon."

"Damn. I should've...well, no point going down that road now, I should just get moving before this situation gets any worse. But what about Aphrodite? Will she leave me alone now? And Beron?"

"Don't worry about them-I can deal with mother. And I'm sure she'll be more than eager to deal with Beron, if what you've told me is the truth. It is the truth, isn't it?"

"Cross my heart and hope to go to Tartarus."

"I'll take that as a yes. Good luck, Autolycus." And with that, Cupid was gone.

Taking only a brief moment to gather his senses, Auto collected his things (including his money, no need to leave that offering after the fact) and headed back towards the village at a quick pace. His thoughts were filled with worry about what kind of trouble Joxer would be getting himself into before he could come to the rescue...

* * * * *

Finding trouble was something Joxer never had any, well...trouble doing, whether he set his mind to it or not. But especially when he did.

That evening, after having consumed several more pints of the type of ale that was so thick you practically had to chew it, he was feeling damn ready to find some trouble. Something to make him forget about Autolycus, about Gabrielle, and about everything else in his miserable existence. He'd wasted his way through most of the day sulking and nursing his misery alone in the room, but he'd finally grown weary of that, and so he'd stumbled downstairs to find some other diversion. Excessive drink was the first part of his cure for a broken heart. And once the alcohol had convinced him of his prowess as a fearless warrior, a good fight would serve nicely for the second part. Even though he knew he'd probably end up being the one bearing the brunt of the damage inflicted. At this point and this inebriated, he didn't even really care about that any more.

The crowd gathered that evening in the tavern looked promising: rowdy, foulmouthed and even fouler in temperament. It was a typical collection of wandering thugs, brutes, and soldiers-for-hire sitting ar the their tables, the crowd you might find in any small and seedy watering hole, drinking heavily and getting more dangerous by the moment. The tavern's poor server girls were worked up into a sweat trying to keep the ale flowing at a fast pace to keep the men appeased, but it never seemed fast enough, especially as the men grew more inebriated. It seemed that one poor girl had become the focus of a particularly nasty-looking thug's growing temper.

"I said more ale, ya stupid wench! How many times do I have to tell ya ta bring us more t'drink!"

"Here! Here's your lousy ale," she cried, slamming the tray and the pitchers onto the table. As she turned to run back to the bar, she added angri"Lo"Lousy stinkin' bastards..."

"Hey! What did you just call me 'n my friends?" He grabbed roughly at her ass, and she promptly spun back around to slap away his hand.

"A bunch of lousy stinkin' bastards! And keep your hands to yourself!" The barmaid had had enough, after being harassed all evening by this particular beefy thug and his cronies. But she didn't expect him to go ballistic on her. She didn't expect him to grab her and knock her hard across the face, sending her flying to the ground.

"Nobody calls me that and gets away with it, stupid bitch!" He looked ready to continue his attack but his friends held him back, trying to draw his attention back to the full mugs on the table instead of the humiliated woman on the floor. It was an effective diversion, and the woman took the opportunity to pick herself up off the ground and scurry back to the relative security that existed behind the bar.

Having observed this attack on the misfortunate woman's honor from a nearby table and seeing that no one else was going to do anything about it, Joxer was ready to spring into action. Well, considering that he was finding it difficult to stand up, let alone walk straight in his current condition, maybe "spring" was not the best word to use. Wobble into action was more like it...

* * * * *

It was past dark when Auto finally made it to the edge of the town. He wasn't sure Joxer would even still be around, but he figured he should be able to track him from here, if necessary.

But it turned out it wasn't, for as he made his way towards the tavern, the logical starting place for his search, he heard a familiar nasal voice proclaiming, loud enough to be heard in the street outside, "I fear you not, you miserable sod-neither you nor your bad breath! Now apologize to that fair maiden, or prepare to feel the fury of my deadly rage! Ha ha!"

"Oh for the love of Zeus..." Auto groaned, rushing forward and charging through the doorway of the tavern. He glanced around, trying to find his friend before he got himself pulverized.

Most of the crowd had backed away from the two men involved in the confrontation so they were easy to find. Autolycus' spirits sank when he saw the size of the brute who was glaring down at Joxer with an expression somewhere between supreme amusement and homicidal rage. The brute had at least a foot on Joxer vertically and several horizontally, and most of it looked to be pure muscle. Either Joxer had developed a death wish, or he was so drunk he had no idea just how formidable his opponent was. Maybe both. Whichever was the case, Auto had to do something quick or else what was left of Joxer would probably fit in that stupid helmet of his within the next few minutes.

"You're gonna wish you were never born, you little weasel, by the time I'm done with you." The brute let out a growl, clenching his meaty fists together and advancing.

Joxer shrugged and raised his own fists in a pale imitation of the thug's stance. "Been there, done that, so quit stallin' and let's get brawlin'..."

"Now now now, fellas, hold on!" Autolycus threw himself in between the two before the first bonecrushing punch could be thrown. "There's no need to resort to violence to resolve this little dispute, now, is there?"

"Yes!" both of the other men answered resolutely.

"No!" Autolycus interjected in desperation. Turning to Joxer, he pleaded, "Joxer, apologize to this fine...gentleman...for what you said to him."

"Never! He is the one who must apologize to her-" Joxer swung his arm in the general direction of the bar, but the motion sent him off-balance and right into Autolycus' arms. With a loopy smile and suddenly forgetting his opponent, he slurred, "Oh, hello. Do I know you? You look awfully familiarrrr... hiccup!"

"Hey!" the thug interrupted. "I was about to clobber the puny jerk. Or do you wanna piece of the action too?" he threatened. "I'll take on both of ya in a heartbeat."

Autolycus laughed nervously. "Oh no, not me. I know when I'm outclassed. Listen, I'm sorry to take away your punching bag, but, ahhh..." Shit, I don't believe I'm about to do this, but I don't see any other way to save both our hides right now... Using one arm to keep Joxer mostly on his feet, Auto used his free hand to remove his money pouch from his belt-the pouch containing what remained of his take from the Verascon job-and to it it to the brute. "Let's say you take what's there, I'll take the puny jerk, and we'll and call it a fair trade, okay?"

The thug opened the pouch with a frown, which quickly dissipated to a greedy smile as he realized what was inside. And how much. Money that could buy him all the puny jerks he could want to pulverize. Auto wanted to cry just thinking about it. With a shrug, the brute pocketed the pouch and announced, "He's yours, though Gods only know what you want with 'im. Just try to keep that fat mouth a'his shut, or next time he can wrap it around this," and he held out one of his very impressive fists once again as a final warning.

"A pleasure doing business with you," Autolycus muttered, heading with Joxer towards the door with Joxer in tow. It was definitely time they moved on from the immediate area, before the big slugger had a change of heart. "C'mon, Mister Mighty, it's time to say goodnight," Auto coaxed the wobbly and totally sloshed warrior as they stumbled down the road, heading back towards the woods.

"Yerr a rreal ssswell guy...whoeverr you arrrre," Joxer slurred, the adrenaline running out and the alcohol settling in. "Wherr'rregoingoing?"

"Somewhere you can sober up and get some rest, and I can figure out why in the world I just spent all my money saving your ass."

"...I could have beaten 'im. 'E wassunt that tuff. I would've...would've...uhoh...uuuuuh...!"

Joxer's stomach had apparently called it a night. Auto turned away with a grimace and, while waiting for the warrior to finish "painting the town" so to speak, decided that it had to be love. Nothing else could put him through this much misery.

* * * * *

Joxer awoke from a foggy sleep, which had been filled with disturbing dreams, and groaned miserably. He felt as if he'd gone twelve rounds with Xena and then had Gabrielle finish him off with a couple good whacks of her stick to his head, just for good measure. His brain felt ready to ooze out of his skull through his nostrils. He wanted to throw up, but his stomach warned him that it had already purged itself quite thoroughly and to not to even think about solid food at the moment. The rest of his body was not doing much better.

Cautiously, almost afraid to see where he might have ended up after the previous night's drunken stupor (which thankfully he only barely remembered), he opened his eyes. Trees. A forest. The sun was already high in the sky, therefore it was late morning at least. He was wearing only his underwear and a loose blouse and was lying on a thin blanket on the grassy, dew-wet ground.

And Autolycus was lying there right next to him, watching him.

Joxer blinked several times, believing that he must be hallucinating.

Nope. Auto was still there, and smiling at him, no less.

Joxer gulped and tried to fight down his first reaction, which was to return the smile and allow himself to believe that for some reason, Auto's affections for him might actually have been real after all. Trying instead to put on an indifferent face, he asked coolly, "What...what are you doing here?"

With a cocked eyebrow, Auto answered, "Well, last night I found you totally trashed and ready to take on some brute the size of a small castle. I managed to talk him out of trampling you into the dirt-well, bribed him was more like it-and dragged you out here to make sure we were clear of any trouble. Though we had to make several pit stops so you could...ah...well, let's just say most of your clothes are airing out right now, so I don't think you'll be going anywhere for a while unless you want to show off those charming shorts of yours to the world at large. You don't handle alcohol very well, you know."

"You didn't answer me. What are you doing here?" Joxer was not in the mood for playing roundabout games with Autolycus, not with the mother of all hangovers and the pain of rejection that was still too close to the surface of his thoughts.

"Uh, yeah. There's that. I...um..." Autolycus paused, looking uncomfortable, then just started laughing and shaking his head. "You know what, Joxer? I don't know what I'm doing here. I ran away scared...scared and mad as Ares at being manipulated...I had to sort out a lot of things, find out what happened and why." He quickly explained what he'd learned from Cupid about what Aphrodite had done, though he left out the little heart-to-heart with Cupid that had followed this revelation. "But you know, even before I knew what happened, even though I didn't want to accept it...I still...I couldn't stop thinking about you," his voice had dropped to barely above a whisper before he added, "...and wanting to be with you again."

Joxer rolled away, unable to look at him, unable to believe the words he was hearing. "The joke's over, Autolycus. Haven't you all had enough fun at my expense already?"

"I'm not joking. I...I'm telling you, I don't understand it, but I know it's not the Gods this time. Something...we connected...in a way that no trick of the Gods can take away. If there's anyone here who can barely believe it, it's me. Trust me on that. I want the chance to prove that it's for real. Prove it to myself, and especially...to you." Joxer felt a hand rest tentatively on his shoulder. He tried not to let it get to him, nor Auto's sincere sounding plea, "I'm sorry I hurt you before. I'd do anything to prove to you I mean that."

Joxer didn't respond, didn't move, not for a very long time. He wanted so much to believe Auto was telling him the truth...yet pain and too many doubts were holding him back. He didn't want to get burned again.

But if there were a chance...just a chance for what he'd wanted for so very long...

He finally rolled back around to face Auto, staring into the other man's eyes, searching them for the truth. Gods, he was beautiful to look at. You could barely ask for a more wonderfully handsome man. Joxer would've done anything for looks like that, looks that made women swoon...and was making him stiff with yearning. What in the world could Auto possibly see in him-a skinny, funny-looking, clumsy failure of a warrior? He couldn't fathom it. He remembered well all the reasons Auto had told him the other night about why he loved him, but what if any of that had been real? His brain, especially in its current befuddled condition, couldn't figure out what to do or say next.

When the silence lingered, with Joxer unable to find any words, Auto took a chance and leaned down for a tentative kiss. Joxer reeled at the touch, the remembered taste of those lips, the gentle but so erotic way Auto's full mustache teased his nose and upper lip... This is agony, Joxer moaned to himself. The worst kind of torture. I want to be strong, to resist... but I want him and I want this too badly...

Auto pulled back after a moment, concern evident in his gaze. But no disgust, not like Joxer had seen on his face that morning. That was something, at least, to give him hope. Joxer asked him, continuing to test his professions of desire, "So...was that still good for you?"

Unwavering in returning Joxer's gaze, Auto answered seriously, "Oh yeah. Frighteningly so."

"I want to believe you." Joxer reached up to caress Auto's cheek, unable to resist touching him any longer. The feel of rough stubble on his fingers was so good...In some odd way, being with a man like this made Joxer feel stronger, strangely more sure of himself, as if it was an affirmation of who he was, his masculinity. That he had the power to make another man tremble, the way Auto was trembling now as his fingers danced lightly against his skin.

Auto turned his head so his mouth brushed against those fingers, the sensation making Joxer shiver this time. Joxer ran one finger along Auto's lips, tracing their contours, until thiefhief smiled devilishly at him, and used those lips to trap his exploring finger. He nibbled on it gently with his teeth, and it was too much for Joxer to take; his resolve to resist was gone long before Arelereleased the finger and said softy, "Give me a chance to prove it to you. No running away this time, I promise. There's nothing I want more right now than to be here, with you."

As far as Joxer was concerned, that was good enough. Sliding his hand gently away from Auto's lips to his neck, he urged the thief's head back towards his own. The warmth of his mouth and the musky aroma of Autolycus' body filled his senses, casting all other thoughts from his mind. Well, except for just a tad of modesty, when he found Auto's hands sliding down his chest towards his waist. "Out here, in the open like this?"

"Why not..." Auto purred, not halting his efforts to free Joxer of what remained of his clothing. "I can't wait until we can make it to the next village. Besides, we're a good hike away from the main road, so who on Earth could be watching us anyway..."

Aphrodite and Cupid watched with amusement, not far from where the two men lay, blissfully ignorant of the world around them. "Check it out, mom. True love," Cupid sighed. "I must admit, you did something very cool here with these two without even planning on it. Or did you?"

"Eh!" The Goddess was not as impressed. "I give it a week before Auto goes berzerk from hearing Joxer sing that stupid song of his ad nauseum. Are you sure you didn't muck around and do your gooey lovey-dovey arrow-thingy on Autolycus while I wasn't watching?" she challenged.

Cupid simply gave an enigmatic smile that many centuries later might have been likened to that of the Mona Lisa. "And what if I did?"

"I'd say you have a really perverse sense of humor, kiddo. C'mon, I've got a real thief to take care of. Let's leave these two alone to their...business..."

'Dite left in a quick golden flash and a flurry of petals, but Cupid stayed for a moment longer, watching, that grin still trapped between his cherubic cheeks. He cast a quick spell on the surrounding forest to ensure that the two men would not be disturbed by any stray wanderers or hunters for the rest of the day. They deserved some quality time alone. "Love does conquer all," he said to himself, adding with a chuckle, "even revenge-and even my mother," before disappearing as well.

Joxer lifted his head, glancing around anxiously. He sniffed and he could've sworn the air smelled faintly of rose and sweet hyacinth. "Did you just hear something?"

Auto merely shrugged and pulled Joxer back down against his body. Where he belonged. Why he was so sure of that was something he'd worry about some other day. "It couldn't have been anything important."

THE END.