The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: R
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing: Jack & Peter
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 46 (46/60)
Sharing – A Two Way Street

Jack pushed the hair out of Peter’s eyes and Peter looked at him almost sheepishly. “Locke said sunset’s not far off. What do you say we go take a short walk up the beach away from the settlement and go watch the sun go down? It would be relaxing.” Peter shook his head okay and said sure. Jack went and found two windbreakers, a blanket and a bottle of water and they started out. Jack purposefully walked way around the campsites and a ways down the beach before coming out onto it. They walked down further and Jack spread out the blanket onto the soft sand and they both sat down on it to watch the sun setting. Locke was right, it was a beautiful sunset. A big ball of crimson hitting the water with shimmering red flashes dancing on the waves. The sky was so clear blue you could make out some of the stars coming out and a half moon was visible low on the horizon. Peter tried to clear his thoughts but he kept thinking back about what was happening to him 24 hours ago and 48 hours ago before that. He was so thankful he was back, but he couldn’t clear his mind of all the images that were haunting him. It was as though Jack could hear his thoughts. Jack sat closer to him and took him by the hand and caressed it with his own. A little sigh escaped his lips. He brought Peter’s hand up to his lips and kissed it gently, looking Peter in the eyes, and held it to his own cheek for several moments before setting it back in his lap. “You know I love you right? I was sick with worry when we figured out you were missing and how long it’d been. I knew how you felt when you’d said you didn’t know how you’d go on if something happened to one of us. It felt like somebody had reached in and grabbed my heart and was squeezing the life out of me. You were all I could think about. And then when Sayid found me and told me you were alive I was so excited until he told me what had happened and how you looked. I threw up before we even got to the hatch, a combination of relief, anxiety and fear. My emotions were overwhelming me Pete. Then when I was examining you, they overpowered me and I threw up again in the trashcan. I just want you to realize what effect you have on me. Even when you’re not around I’m thinking about you. I want you to be with me Peter, as long as you can be. I’ll take you however I can have you. Whatever they did to you doesn’t make me love you less, I love you more. I want to be with you.”
Peter’s eyes were glistening. It was so good to hear that Jack still loved him and still wanted him. He reached up and caressed Jack’s face and slipped his hand behind Jack’s neck and pulled him to him for a tender kiss. He ran his thumb over Jack’s lower lip. “God, what would I do without you Jack? I love you so much it hurts. Your desire makes me so crazy at times it’s like I’m high on you. When my heart hurts it’s as though you feel it. You make me feel like I can get through all this…”

“We can and we will. As long as there’s life there’s hope. I’m not giving up on you. I’m here whenever you need me or want me.” Jack smiled and gave him another kiss, this one more teasing and caressed his hand again.

They watched the setting sun on the horizon as it dipped lower. Peter broke the silence next, “Did I ever tell you how much I respect you Jack?”
Jack gave an embarrassed smile and blushed. “You’re not going to embarrass me are you? You don’t need to go there.”

“I’ll try not to, but it’s true. You’re a spinal surgeon. That took years of hard study, discipline and experience to achieve that. That’s more than most people achieve in a lifetime. It is a truly respectable accomplishment. You should be proud of what you accomplished.” But Jack had a bad mixed expression on his face – not the reaction Peter thought he might see. “What’s wrong Jack? Why is that painful to you?”

Jack shook his head and looked away out on the ocean. “It’s a long story and I don’t want to go into it.”

Peter removed his hand from Jacks, “That’s not fair Jack. You know all about my past and present. I want to know what happened. If you can’t share things that are painful to you, how do you think we can make it? I’m supposed to let you know everything, but you can hide your pain from me? That’s not equal and not fair.”

Jack looked distressed now and Peter could see his eyes water. Peter interlaced his right arm with Jack’s left and held his hand. “Tell me damn it. I want to know. I’ll still love you.”

Jack sighed quietly while he tried to decide what to tell him. “A lot happened in the last few weeks before we crashed here. My dad was a spinal surgeon too, head of the department, well respected nationally. He was the reason I became a surgeon. We fought a lot when I was growing up, but I always wanted to please him and make him proud of me. It was why I studied so hard. I had to show him I could achieve it too. We worked at the same hospital. One night, they brought in a young woman in bad shape. My father started operating on her. One of the head nurses came and got me up in my office where I was sleeping and told me I needed to scrub in and take over for my dad, that he shouldn’t be operating. I scrubbed up and went in to assist but when I saw how shaky his hands were I knew he’d been drinking and I took over. She was already going downhill. I discovered he had severed an artery and she was bleeding to death. I couldn’t save her. I tried and was so mad at him for drinking and operating. He should have passed the surgery to me or someone else. I found out later she was pregnant and it upset me even more. He asked me to basically cover for him at the hospital medical inquiry. Kept telling me all that he’d done for me all my life and how important being a doctor was to him. Then in the medical inquiry something else came to light and I felt like my conscience and medical ethics were forcing me to speak up and I told them what had happened.” Tears ran down Jack’s face and he wiped them away and composed himself again. “He got his medical license revoked because of it. The most important thing to him and I destroyed it forever for him.”

“You did what you had to at the time Jack. He probably understood that on some level and even respected you had the balls to do what was right,” Peter whispered.

“My mom called me after about a week and a half. Made me come over. Said he’d gone to Australia and was on a real bender. She was worried he was going to die this time. She said I had to go and get him right away, that he’d come back with me. I didn’t want to go but she guilted me into it. When I got to his hotel, they hadn’t seen him in days. His wallet, and most of his money was in the room. I got really worried about him. I put in a missing person’s report and got a call the next day from their coroner’s office to come and look at an older unidentified white male to see if it was my dad. I went and it was him. He’d basically drank himself to death causing his heart to give out. I was devastated. I knew it was all my fault. If I’d just kept my damn mouth closed and made a sin of omission, it wouldn’t have happened.” Jack was wiping tears away again. “So that’s what I’ve accomplished with my great career. Did it all for his approval and then took away the thing that mattered the most to him.”

Peter was watching him closely, “Don’t you think at some level he forgave you Jack, maybe he was even proud you had that much backbone?”

Jack sat thinking, mulling if he was going to tell Peter the next part. Peter could see it in his eyes. “Tell me what you’re thinking, damn it Jack.”

“You may be right, according to Sawyer you are right.” Peter’s eyebrows were up now, wondering how Sawyer got into this tale. “Seems he ran into my father in a bar in Sydney. They both were getting drunk. Described my father well enough and what he said that I know without a doubt, that it was my dad he was drinking with. Said my father said he was a surgeon and that his son was one too. Something bad and happened and we’d had a falling out. He knew he should call me and tell me just that, that he was proud of me for being a man, that he forgave me and that he oughta call me and tell me all that, and that he loved me. But he said he was weak and he couldn’t do it.” Jack stopped a moment. “Sawyer told me all this right before the raft sailed. It was like he was afraid he wasn’t coming back and that he had to let me know what my father had said. Sawyer had me crying. I couldn’t even thank him properly I was so tore up.”

“Damn” Peter said softly. “That’s an incredible coincidence – your dad and Sawyer talking and then all of us crashing here. So were you taking his body back to the states then?”

Jack nodded yes. “Yep, I was taking him back in his casket to LAX when Oceanic 815 crashed here. I found the casket later Peter, but no sign of his body.”

“Shit. That sucks. I don’t know what to tell you Jack.”

“Anyway that’s why I looked like I did when you said I ought to be proud of my accomplishments Pete. All that other went through my head.”

“I stand by what I said, I still respect and admire you for what you accomplished. Sounds like you, me and Sawyer all have our own daddy issues huh?” Jack just nodded. Peter reached over and kissed Jack harder on the lips and hissed afterwards at the pain from the suture on it. “Thanks for telling me all that. Makes me feel closer to you. You’re not Superman you know. You can let me see the chinks in your armor sometimes.” Jack smiled back at him. It did feel good to tell somebody and not carry it around in his head alone. He knew Peter was right – emotional sharing needed to be a two way street. The breeze was blowing cooler now and the sun had set. The stars were popping out in the night sky. Peter showed him several constellations in the sky and told him what they were and what they meant. Jack asked him how he would know so much about the night sky. Peter looked serious, and said he would run away from the house a lot of nights and spend the night in the barn or in a tent away from the house and learned about the constellations with a book and a flashlight. They made him feel like he wasn’t all by himself.

“I used to look up at the stars and pray that somewhere on earth there was somebody that would love me one day that was looking up at those same stars and that God would get me together with them. Made me feel like I wasn’t so alone.” Jack thought that was possibly the saddest and most touching thing he’d ever heard anyone say. “Come here!” Jack said and he wrapped his arms around Peter and held him close. Peter couldn’t speak but Jack could feel what he couldn’t say. They held onto each other for a long time before kissing. Peter shivered when they sat back and Jack decided it was time to get off the beach which was growing colder and windier. They headed back to the hatch together.