The Boys From Tennessee

Libby talks with Peter, Jack & Sawyer about typical male reactions to rape.

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: R
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing:
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 45 (45/60)
There’s A Very Real Danger

Jack and Peter slept for close to two hours in the hatch before Jack woke and realized that even sedated, Peter was still moaning and moving in his sleep. He gently stroked Peter’s face and kept whispering it was okay and finally Peter seemed to still again. Jack was thinking about all of the emotional and psychological trauma Peter had been through and had decided he needed to talk to Libby. He knew she’d done counseling at a rape crisis center among other places. He also knew that Sawyer might possibly fight him on this. Hell, maybe she’d even let them just sit in to listen to what she had to say. Might help them in the way they related to him after this.

Jack got up from the bunk bed and dressed. He wanted to find Libby and talk with her. He wondered if she’d ever had that conversation with Sawyer that she had with him about Peter and his having PTSD. Little did he know that Libby was having that conversation with Sawyer right at that moment.

Libby had seen Sawyer coming back up from the beach by himself and had walked and met him halfway while they were still well away from the campsite. She asked Sawyer to sit down so she could talk to him about Peter. “I think I need to talk to Peter today based on what I heard happened to him. But I wanted to talk to you first about where he was before this latest attack. I’ve already had this conversation with Jack sometime back but it’s important now that you understand too.” Libby said quietly. They went and sat down in the shade of the trees.

“I’m going to talk about things I know he’s already shared or you’ve already may have noticed. You know that Peter was in the Tennessee State Hospital as a teenager, and that he’s tried to kill himself in the past. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about his behaviors as symptoms of a disorder, but he does have one. And it’s got everything to do with the way he is with you, Jack, and everyone else. He’s got Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on top of the sexual and physical abuse he suffered for so many years. His symptoms are classic. He suffered for almost ten years of total control by his father and other men who chronically victimized him. He’s sad, hopeless and depressed a lot, although he tries to cover it up. He’s admitted to me that he had suicidal thoughts daily, but he says he doesn’t plan to act on it. I got him to agree verbally and swear to a suicide prevention contract with me – he’s to come to me before acting on anything. There’s a very real danger of suicide with the gang-rapes he’s just been through Sawyer.

He forgets or blocks on some traumatic events. Things he won’t let himself remember directly when he’s awake, he’s having vivid nightmares about since he’s been on the island. You’ve told me about some of them. That’s going to be worse for a while. He feels different from everyone because of what he’s been through. He talks about feeling like he’s detached from himself sometimes. He’s got a tremendous amount of helplessness, shame, and guilt. The fact that he sought me out, and then told you and Jack about his past was probably due in large part to the previous counseling he’d had, and his awareness that he needed to let us know what was going on with him. It takes a lot for a male survivor especially to think and talk about their trauma because the feelings associated with the trauma are overwhelming. Those feelings are very painful for him. He’s said that every time he’s talked about his past.” Libby paused. “There are things we need to watch for or be aware of with Peter. He’s really sort of stuck in a teenager mode. His promiscuity is not atypical of people who have suffered a great deal of sexual abuse at an early age. He’s using it on several levels, acting out what’s happened to him earlier over and over again. It’s both a search for a rescuer and an isolating mechanism as it tends to break up whatever long term stable relationships he manages to develop. He’s said to all of us that he’s a masochist and that he wants to be dominated. His obsession with BDSM is tied in with all the ritualistic sexual and physical abuse his father put him through, and subconsciously he still sees that as the way to experience sex with men... I know Peter has some self awareness about some of this, probably due to the therapy he’s had. At the same time he’s incorporated a lot of this into his lifestyle and his sexual identity and what he wants. Peter’s told me he loves both of you. I’m not interested in the specifics of what you may do with each other, but I am concerned about its impact on Peter if any of it goes to the extreme. I’m asking both you and Jack to watch it with him in the future. He’s extra vulnerable to you. He’d be compliant and probably let you abuse him to the point of torture, mutilation or maybe even death. I’m not talking about bruises or welts here, I’m talking about permanent physical problems, things that could backfire and kill him or push him over the edge emotionally. I know he might even ask or beg for it. You have to be strong Sawyer and don’t let it get that far. I think you love him so I’m asking you to let that be what guides you. I just wanted to give you some insight into Peter and give you some awareness.” Libby paused and watched Sawyer’s face. Sawyer looked like he was fighting for control. He hadn’t thought about all the things Libby was sharing with him. He knew he’d already crossed the upper threshold a few times with him. It just never had dawned on him that Peter might have something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It certainly explained some things about Peter and his relationship with him. Sawyer just nodded yes but didn’t speak.

She continued, “It’s extremely important that I talk with Peter some today. I was a counselor at a rape crisis center for a while. I’ve counseled male rape survivors and it’s important for Peter to hear that what just happened to him is not his fault. I don’t want to get into therapy with him today, but he needs to hear that what he’s going through and may go through is typical of men who’ve been raped.” Sawyer whispered okay, he’d changed his mind about her talking to Peter. Sounded like it might help him to know what normal responses of rape victims were. Libby paused a moment. “I think considering the circumstances it might be good for you and Jack to hear what I’ve got to say too, if you can listen and not interfere like you have in the past. What I want to do is impart information and validate with him that what he’s feeling is normal. He can seek me out when he wants to talk about it. What do you think about that Sawyer?”

Sawyer shifted uncomfortably confirming in Libby’s mind that he needed to hear it too. “I think maybe you’re right. That might be what he needs right now. He’s already blaming himself for what happened to him and said they’d taken everything from him. He’s devastated emotionally,” Sawyer said quietly.

“Do you think Jack will go along with this also?” she asked.

“He will if you explain it to him like you did me.” Sawyer thought for a couple of moments. “Let’s see if we can put together something for supper and maybe the four of us can eat together before you have your little talk. He’s skinny and weak now and we need to get him stronger. Plus I doubt he’ll want to eat afterwards.” Libby nodded. It sounded like a good plan. She said she wanted to talk with Jack first so he’d understand what the purpose was too. They both walked down the beach and put together a large meal for the four of them. As they were walking back to the hatch they met Jack coming to look for Libby. Libby talked to Jack about what she wanted to say and Jack agreed Peter needed to hear it, and that he and Sawyer probably did too. Jack cautioned Libby about how bad Peter looked and told her everything Peter had told him about the attacks. Libby stopped at one point and wiped tears off her face. It really got her that they’d done this to Peter. The most damaged person on the island they could have raped. She knew she had to get this out of her system before she saw Peter. She told them to go ahead and she’d be there in about five minutes. She sat down on a large fallen tree, thought about what he’d just been through and cried for a few minutes and got it out of her system. She went into the hatch and went by the bathroom and wet her face with cold water and dried it off. She prepared herself for what was coming and knew she’d do fine with him. She wandered into the kitchen area and saw that Jack and Sawyer had already set up the food and table. Jack gestured at a seat for her to sit in and said, “I’m going to wake him up now and tell him we’re all going to eat supper with him. Be patient it may take a little while to get him out here.” Sawyer was pacing around now, unable to be still. Libby was a little surprised he was so anxious about it. He stopped at one point and said quietly to her, “Try not to be too shocked. He looks awful. They really tore him up.” She nodded affirmatively and steeled herself, knowing it had to be bad since everyone who’d seen him kept saying that to her. She and Sawyer could hear Jack’s and Peter’s voices now but not what they were saying. You could hear pleading in Peter’s voice and firmness in Jack’s. She knew Jack had to convince him to come and eat with them. Then you could clearly hear Peter saying ‘fuck’ and the insistence and resolve in Jack’s voice. In a few moments they both came down the hallway. Peter spoke first saying hey to them both. Sawyer and Libby both said hey back to him and Jack gestured for Peter to sit down. Libby stood up, smiled tentatively and wrapped her arms around him to give him a hug. He gasped and she loosened her grip. He held onto her longer than he wanted to and tried hard not to look upset when he let her go. She let him break off the hug. But it meant a lot to him that she’d come and was concerned about him. She locked into her counselor face and tried hard not to show anything but concern at this point. He looked as bad as everyone had said, and was obviously ashamed of how he looked. He had a black eye, a large bruise on the side of his jaw and she could tell he’d been struck repeatedly in the face. There were other ugly bruises everywhere she could see.

“We thought it might be reassuring for us all to have supper with you tonight and share a nice meal. Does that sound okay?” she asked Peter. He nodded yes but didn’t speak. She could tell his emotions were still so near the surface. Jack served up the food as Sawyer went and put a couple of records on the record player and nodded at Locke who was manning the hatch in the computer room. Jack, Sawyer and Libby all tried to talk about things of interest or funny things that had happened on the island, trying hard to not talk about what he’d been through. Peter realized that they were probably going to talk about it later in the evening since they all were avoiding the subject so hard right now. After the meal the numbers alarm went off and Locke had input the numbers. Sawyer got up and went to talk to Locke for a couple of minutes and came back. Shortly you could hear the outer hatch door close.

“I’m gonna input the numbers the next couple of times, I gave Locke a couple of hours off,” Sawyer said. Peter looked from one face to another and felt a sinking feeling in his guts. They wanted to talk with him so they’d sent Locke away. He didn’t know if he had enough emotional reserves left to talk about it. He just wanted to forget all about it. “Don’t gang up on me,” he whispered, “I’m on the edge.”

“We’re not ganging up on you Peter, but I want to talk to the three of you. I don’t want to do therapy with you tonight, but I need the three of you to listen to what I’ve got to say and really hear me. Can we move over to the couch and some better chairs?” Jack and Sawyer started moving in that direction and Peter got up and followed them disconsolately. Libby motioned for Peter to settle on the couch and Jack and Sawyer both sat to either side of him. She hated to see how slowly he sat down and his obvious pain and discomfort.

Libby got right down to business. “I know basically what happened to you the last several days Peter, so I’ve got some things I wanted you, Jack and Sawyer to hear. You’ve probably heard a lot of this before Peter, but Jack and Sawyer haven’t.” Peter’s eyes teared up, but he gritted his teeth together and looked away from all of them, fighting to stay in control. He hated this. He felt like it was gonna be like having his psyche on display.

“I was a rape crisis counselor for a couple of years and had a lot of experience in working with men and women who’d been raped. There are things that you all need to hear and be clear on, that will help you in the long run. This affects not only just you but the people who care about you Peter… I’m going to cover the same information I used to share with the rape survivors at the center. And you have to realize Peter that you are a rape survivor and that your feelings and responses are the same things that other people go through too.”

Peter wiped tears off his face and gave a little nod.

“I want to talk about generalities regarding male rape and society first. Whatever the reason for abuse, it is never the victim’s fault. Sexual feelings or attractions do not motivate a rapist to commit a sexual assault. Instead, a rapist is motivated by a need to dominate, control or humiliate another person in the most personal way. When we consider our society’s definition and standards of what it means to “be a man,” it becomes obvious that male rape is committed to make the rapist feel powerful, not sexually satisfied. Our culture expects men to never be vulnerable and to be able to protect themselves against any kind of attack. A man who is raped may feel ashamed of himself for “not being a man” because he couldn’t stop the attack. Feelings of guilt, shame, isolation and anger are likely to be intensified due to the societal stigma about being a male victim. Survivors may ask, “Why me?” or “What did I do to cause this to happen?” It is important to remember that the responsibility for the rape lies with the rapist. Rape has nothing to do with the way someone looked, walked or dressed. Sexual assault is a crime of aggression, humiliation and power.”

“It is important to remember that just because a person’s body reacted sexually, does not mean that he enjoyed the abuse. A homosexual or bi-sexual man may feel that he is to blame for the assault because of his sexual orientation.” Peter pulled up both his legs onto the couch and wrapped his arms around his knees. She knew this was uncomfortable for him to hear, but that he desperately needed to hear it now so he could recover easier later.

“Like female sexual assault victims, male victims experience many of the same emotional reactions to sexual assault. Some of those are emotional shock, fear, anger, helplessness, depression, social withdrawal, mood swings, dislike of sex, difficulty with intimacy, an overwhelming sense of loss of control over their bodies and themselves. They may also feel powerless, inadequate, low self-esteem, confusion, memories of physical pain, intense sexual flashbacks, inability to sleep, anxiety and panic attacks and nightmares that are intense, violent and sexual. It may seem that they are reliving the rape all over again. Survivors may also have changes in eating habits, nausea, and stomach pains. Other things they may display is difficulty with intimacy or a fear of intimacy, feeling alone, sexual acting out, poor choice of partners, multiple partners and an inability to say no. Also survivors have reported disconnection with feelings, feeling unreal, being detached from reality, “out of body” experiences and linking abuse to love.”

“Let me reiterate that you were a victim of a violent crime that was not your fault. Survivors of rape may experience many feelings. These emotions are normal responses to a traumatic event. There is no “right way” to feel. No two people react in exactly the same way. Emotions may be very frequent and strong for one person, less intense for another. Some survivors may go through a period of strong emotions for a short time after the rape. Others will seem to have put the rape behind them, only to have the feelings return at a later time. Remember that recovery takes time. You need to talk to someone who will understand and support you through this difficult time.”

“I wanted to mention Peter some of the things that can trigger male survivors off and leave them feeling as if they're back at the point of being abused. The smell of others, especially body smells, can cause you to flashback and trigger bad memories. Many male survivors state that when having sex with a partner, that they feel dirty and unclean once they have reached ejaculation, and this is connected to the sight, feel and sensation of seeing their semen, which reminds them of being abused, and that alone can ruin any sexual relationships they may have.”

“A man may also feel wrong, bad and dirty, wanting to bathe often, usually after having sex with partners, and if masturbating, will only do so as a function, not for pleasure, because the sensation and good feelings have been taken away and you’re left feeling dirty and ‘wrong’ again. There's also the fact that you can get obsessed with masturbating, not just once a day, but several times a day, which can increase when you feel stressed, lonely, screwed up, etc.”
“Male survivors may also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually abused. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the abuse, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time, so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.”

“Major sexual symptoms of sexual abuse for a male can include difficulties in becoming aroused and feeling sensations; sex feels like an obligation; sexual thoughts and images that are disturbing; inappropriate sexual behaviors or sexual compulsivity; inability to achieve orgasm or other orgasmic difficulties; erection problems or ejaculatory difficulty; feeling dissociated while having sex; detachment or emotional distance while having sex; being afraid of sex or avoiding sex; and guilt, fear, anger, disgust or other negative feelings when being touched.”

Libby paused and looked briefly at all three of them. She could see the effect her talk was having on all three of the men. Much of what she had covered had already applied to Peter or she suspected it had even prior to this latest attack. She asked them if what she had covered so far was helpful. Jack and Sawyer both shook their heads yes, but Peter just sighed sadly. “I know this is all too close to home Peter, but you need to hear all this so you can get on with your life. I want to talk a little about unique issues that are faced by male survivors next. I’m going to be finished in about three minutes so hang in there.”

“Some male survivors even question whether they deserved to be sexually abused because; as they think that they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors see their assault as a loss of manhood and feel disgusted with themselves for not ‘fighting back’. These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them are not true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive--there's nothing un-masculine about that. As a result of guilt, shame or anger some men may punish themselves by exhibiting self-destructive behavior after being sexually abused. For some men, this means increased alcohol or drug use.”

Jack and Sawyer looked at each other and Peter sat and rolled his eyes.

“For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Some men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated.” Libby paused briefly, “Anything any of you want to bring up right now?”

“I don’t want to talk about what happened right now but I appreciate you telling us this,” Peter said quietly.

Sawyer raised his eyebrows and Libby saw his face. “You’ve got something you want to bring up Sawyer?” she asked. Jack looked over at him, curious.

“Yeah, I know Pete doesn’t want to talk about specifics, but he said something earlier that I think we all need to know, including him,” he said. “Especially after what you said earlier Libby.”

“What is it?” she asked.

Sawyer turned directly to Peter. “I got a question for you Pete. Including the day you were kidnapped and the day Rousseau brought you back, how long do you think you were gone?”

Peter had an upset expression almost immediately. Sawyer wouldn’t be asking this without a reason. “Four days total including both those days. Why???” he asked intently looking at them all.

Jack and Sawyer glanced at each other. Finally Jack spoke up, “Peter you were gone a total of six days including the day you were kidnapped and the day you returned.”

Peter looked shell-shocked. He shook his head unbelieving. “Are you fucking lying to me?” he asked incredulous.

Jack, Sawyer and Libby all shook their heads no. “It was six days if you include those two days,” Sawyer said quietly.

“Oh God no. I’ve lost 48 hours I don’t even remember? How could I not remember two whole days? Oh Christ!” Peter was visibly shaken up and disturbed.

“Peter, calm down and relax if you can,” Libby said. “You may have blocked them out or there may be other logical explanations too. Did they give you anything to drink or take? Did you ever lose consciousness?”

“They got me drunk the first day and I remember them making me drink some rum that had a ‘Roofie’ in it. I passed out that evening and I passed out again from the pain the last evening they had me.”

“Roofie? Remind me what that is,” Libby asked.

“It’s a date rape drug,” Jack answered, “very dangerous to mix with a lot of alcohol. Could explain him losing consciousness and losing days if they gave it to him more than once.”

“Well, there’s a logical explanation right there Peter. I wouldn’t be too worried about your not remembering everything. If they were drugging you and forcing you to drink, you may never be able to account for that period of time. Do you want to talk about it more now?”

Peter shook his head no, but looked back at Jack. “That could account for me not remembering everything Jack?”

Jack shook his head yes, “If you were intoxicated and drugged at the same time, absolutely. I’m just thankful they didn’t overdose you.”

Libby looked at each of them. “Do any of you have any more comments, questions or immediate concerns?”

Jack and Sawyer both looked overloaded but shook their heads no. Peter looked up at Libby and said sadly, “About 75% of what you talked about sounded like me before I even went through this gang-rape Libby. I guess I’m screwed now huh?”

Libby shook her head no and moved her chair closer to the couch and took his left hand in hers. “No, you’re not screwed. You’ve come a long way in overcoming and dealing with your childhood abuse. You’re a lot stronger than you realize. I wanted all of us to hear this information so we’d all be on the same page. Now Jack and Sawyer both know that what you’re going through is a normal reaction to an extremely abnormal and traumatic situation. Hopefully we can all be more forgiving and supportive of you as you deal with your reactions and behavior. Don’t let this information make you feel overwhelmed. Let it make you feel confirmed that you are normal. Your reactions are the same as many men’s and women’s who have been through similar experiences.” Peter nodded unhappily.

“You remember your contract with me right?” she asked. He gave a little nod yes. “You’re going to keep to it right and see me if you need to? You promised me.”

“I will,” he said quietly. Jack and Sawyer both felt some relief as they knew what she’d just asked him.

She patted him on his knee. “I think you need to relax some now or maybe take a short walk. Don’t think or talk about it for a while. There’s plenty of time in the future. There’s going to be a lot we’ll need to talk about to help you process all this Peter. But that’s for another time. I’m available anytime you need me, just seek me out.” She looked over to Jack and Sawyer in turn. “You’re both welcome to come talk with me anytime you want to also – about anything you want to discuss. You know my address.” She smiled and they both smiled back at her. She stood up and patted him one last time, “You need me, I can talk to you anytime you need me. In the middle of the night if necessary. You understand? I won’t mind.” Peter nodded affirmatively. Libby left the hatch and headed back to the beach. Jack felt like he had a million things on his mind at once as the countdown alarm went off. Sawyer got up to go put the code in and looked relieved he had something to go do. Peter just sat on the couch not moving staring out into space. Jack could tell he was numb and overwhelmed. He heard the outer hatch door open and close and Locke came walking in slowly looking refreshed.

“I saw Libby leave and thought it was okay to come back in? Is it okay now?” Locke asked. Jack nodded yes and thanked John for allowing them some privacy with her. John headed back towards the computer room passing Sawyer in the hall. “It’s getting close to sunset, looks like it might be a pretty one tonight,” he threw out as they passed. Sawyer came back in and sat down on the chair that Libby had been sitting in. Jack was running his fingers lightly through Peter’s hair just to be touching him.

Sawyer eyed Jack, “What do you say you let Pete come back with me to my place tonight Jack? It would probably do him good to get out of this hatch.”

Jack was already shaking his head no, “Too early Sawyer. I need to keep a close eye on him for a while. He’s already been running a temp and I need to watch some of these wounds. He’s still real torn up. I’ll release him as soon as I can. Plus, it might be good if he’s not seen with you just yet after you stole all the guns. You’re persona non-grata right now. Let’s let things cool down a little don’t you think? Peter stays here a while. You can bunk here on the couch if you want to.”

Sawyer looked at Peter and put his hand on his leg, “Well looks like I won’t be staying here tonight Pete, but I’m as close as the beach and I’ll be back tomorrow. Enjoy your time here with Jack.”

Peter reached over and grabbed Sawyer by the hand, “Can’t you stay a while?”

Sawyer shook his head no, “Nope, I got things I need to tend to Pete. You’ll be okay here with Jack. He’ll take good care of you. ‘Sides I’ll be back in the mornin’. You just don’t go traipsing off by yourself anywhere you hear?” Peter nodded okay and watched as Sawyer left the hatch.