Darkest Nights

Elliot barreled into the bathroom, panting for breath, and immediately rushed to the shower, where George was.

He turned the water off before grabbing George and lifting him out. George had made himself bleed by scrubbing his skin so hard. "Oh, George…" Elliot murmured in dismay.

He lifted George's shaking frame out of the shower. George was having trouble breathing, and Elliot could tell exactly what he was remembering: being orally sodomized.

"Shhh, George, you're okay," Elliot whispered, gently rubbing George's back. "They don't have you anymore, baby, it's okay." Calling George by anything besides his name shocked him, but, Elliot decided, it felt right. He loved George, and it felt natural to call him by an endearing name. Not to mention that fact that the terms of endearment could help to comfort George. "Come on, you're okay…" Elliot said, continuing to rub George's back and shoulders.

"I deserve it! I understand, you don't need to convince me anymore! I deserve it! I'm worthless and pathetic and arrogant and a terrible person!" George cried frantically. His breathing was harsh from the terrible pain his attackers were inflicting on him. He was still shaking violently, tears were streaming down his face, and he was squirming desperately in an attempt to escape.

"Shhh, they can't hurt you anymore. They're gone, it's just us," Elliot murmured, swallowing hard and closing his eyes. Every time he saw George in a flashback, he felt like he was going to vomit. He hated the men who had done this more and more every day.

Finally, after what felt like hours, George's muscles began to relax, and his breathing evened out. "El?" George croaked as he escaped the flashback. "I- they don't have me anymore?"

"No, they don't, baby; it's just us. Shhh, it's okay, just calm down a minute," Elliot whispered gently.

George shifted awkwardly, and it took Elliot a moment to realize that George was still afraid. He scooted back slightly, deciding to give George some space, but his arms stayed securely wrapped around George. Neither of them really registered that George was naked.

George's body began to shake again, but with tears this time. "I can't do this anymore, Elliot!" George sobbed. "I can't stand thinking I deserve it one second, and realizing how stupid it is, but not being able to stop thinking it because every time I come close, I remember it and become convinced again! I can't stand spending more time THERE than I do here! I can't stand feeling like everyone is going to attack me at any moment, and I deserve to be attacked! I don't want to think I'm a terrible person!"

"George, I'm sorry," Elliot said. He hugged George gently, wondering how much more George would have to go through before he recovered. "I love you, George, and I promise, this will get better. Just hold on, and we'll talk to Rebecca tomorrow. She'll figure out how to convince you that they're wrong, and how to make you feel safe enough to realize that no one's going to attack you again."

"Elliot…" George bit his lip, debating on whether to tell Elliot about his new fears and thoughts. Finally he shook his head and simply said, "I can't do this anymore."

"Don't give up," Elliot urged. "George, you mean so much to me. I don't want to see you sink into a hopeless depression or let the PTSD overwhelm you. I want you to recover."

George wanted to tell Elliot that it was too late to stop the depression and PTSD from overwhelming him, and that Elliot shouldn't want him to recover in the first place. Instead he said, "Elliot, I'm trying, I'm really trying, but I just… I can't…"

"I know you feel like you can't, but George, you're the strongest person I know. You may think you're too weak, but that's what Keyes wanted. You're much stronger than he thinks, and if there's a single person on the planet who can get through this, it's you," Elliot said.

Elliot knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he truly believed the words; he had never met someone as strong and resilient as George. Anyone else, including himself, would have caved a long time ago; if not right after being found, after being attacked by Keyes in interrogation. But George, even though he was backsliding and struggling, was still the bravest person Elliot knew. Elliot just wished that he could make George see that. He wished he could make George see that not everyone hated him, and that he and Nora wanted George to recover.

"I'm not, Elliot," George whispered brokenly. "If I was, it wouldn't have taken me so long to see that Keyes was right about me."

Elliot tilted George's chin up, forcing him to meet his gaze even though he knew it was uncomfortable for him. "George, look at me. Not a single word Keyes said about you was right at all." Elliot doubted he would be able to convince George, but he still wanted to, more than anything. "I love you more than anyone on the planet, and if what Keyes said about was true, I wouldn't. I don't like bad people. I don't like arrogant, stupid, weak, pathetic people, either. You aren't any of those things."

"I thought I was such a good profiler," George said. His voice was rough, brittle. "I thought I was one of the best profilers in the FBI. I'm not. If I was, I would have been able to figure out that I was Keyes's target all along. I would have been able to figure out that it was my fault that he killed the others. But I was so fucking arrogant that I couldn't, and all the others paid the price. He wouldn't have killed anyone if it wasn't for me. This is all my fault." He gave a bitter laugh. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall, huh? Only I was never big in the first place. I just thought I was."

"No, George, that isn't true," Elliot said, swallowing hard. He could hardly believe George was berating himself so much- it wasn't like him at all. It just proved how ruthless George's attackers had been in their pursuit to make George hate himself. "I know I'm not going to be able to convince you yet, but one day, whether in a week, a month, a year, or ten, you will believe me. I will undo all the damage Keyes did, and I WILL make sure that bastard gets life in prison."

"I should be the one in prison," George whispered, shoulders slumping. "I should have been able to tell that he was still dangerous. If I was as good a psychiatrist as I made everyone think I was, I wouldn't have made such a stupid mistake." He dug his nails into his palm angrily. "And I deserve for everyone to hate me, because of that. You and Nora shouldn't care at all, and everyone else is right for hating me."

Elliot forced himself to take a deep breath, to keep the rage at Keyes and the desire to cry for George at bay. "I will never stop caring for you, George. I'm going to say it again; Keyes is a sick bastard who deserves to be locked up. YOU-" He grasped George's shoulder, firmly, but not enough to scare him- "Are a sweet, amazing person who got caught in the crossfire and deserves for everything to be okay. You deserve to be loved and cherished, and you ARE the FBI's best profiler. You aren't arrogant, you aren't weak or pathetic or worthless. You were confident, but never arrogant, before this."

Elliot waited for George to say something. But George stayed silent, looking at the wall and shaking his head, as though attempting to come up with an argument.

"I know I SHOULD say I believe you," George spoke finally. His voice was so meek and timid that Elliot could barely hear him. "I trust you more than anyone else, and if anyone can convince me, it should be you. But right now, no one can."

Elliot opened and closed his mouth, wanting to say something- anything. But no words came. Finally, he exhaled sharply and stood, walking to the closet and grabbing a towel that he handed to George. He blinked rapidly, trying to force away tears.

George looked down at himself as Elliot handed him the towel, embarrassed to see that he was naked. He didn't like anyone being able to see his scars; they proved how weak and pathetic he truly was. If he was strong like Elliot said he was, he would have been able to take a lot more pain, and he wouldn't have gotten septic shock from an infected cut.

"I love you," Elliot murmured again, embracing George tightly. He rested his chin on George's forehead. "More than anything. And one day, if it's the last thing I do, I will make you see that that's true, and that you deserve to be loved."

George rested his head over Elliot's heart, listening to the thundering beats. He could hear Keyes and the others saying that he didn't deserve to be taken care of in this way, but he didn't think he had the willpower to pull away from Elliot, either. He didn't feel completely safe, but he felt safer with Elliot than he did without him, and he didn't think he could give the security up along with his self-image. "I love you, Elliot," George whispered shakily. "I-I haven't done anything to deserve it, and m-my attackers would tell me that you don't care at all, or they'd hurt me to balance it out, but-"

Elliot silenced him with a gentle kiss. George swallowed nervously at the contact, but returned the kiss and closed his eyes. He broke the kiss and rested his head on Elliot's shoulder, and the tears that he had tried to suppress fell freely onto Elliot's neck.

Elliot tenderly lift him and carried him to the bedroom. He set George down and crawled in next to him, holding him, letting George relax slightly.

"One day…" George trailed off, swallowing in an attempt to get rid of the lump in his throat. "One day, I'm going to be as good to you as you are to me. I won't be a terrible person or a burden anymore. I'll stop proving Keyes right."

"Everything Keyes said was completely wrong to begin with. You will never be a burden or a terrible person, and you already are as good to me as I am to you," Elliot said. "You're already the best lover I could ever want. You don't need to do anything, except get better. I hate seeing you in so much pain, but I'm going to do as much as it takes, for however long it takes, to fix it."

George looked downwards, clearly doubtful that anything Elliot did would help or change his mind. But then a look Elliot couldn't identify passed over George's face, and he nodded. "Okay," George said quietly. "Okay."

"Okay," Elliot agreed, in a soft whisper. He brushed George's cheek with his hand, kissing him softly. He coaxed George into relaxing, shushing him and stroking his back until George finally stopped tensing and subconsciously trying to distance himself from Elliot's body. Even if he was still afraid, George was at least relaxed.

They stayed in the embrace for several hours, before the day's mental exhaustion overwhelmed them both. Elliot shifted them both again, letting George lie half on top of him, ear over his heart, while he rested his chin on George's head and tightened his hold on George's shoulders. He kissed the top of George's head before pulling the blanket over both of them.

Without another word, George and Elliot fell asleep in each other's arms, sorrow, pain, and exhaustion etched on their faces.