Medical Attention

The next day Dr John Carter went to work, fully prepared to be issued with a dismissal notice. He was prepared to be fired for engaging in sexual conduct not only with a fellow doctor, but on hospital grounds. Not that he was the first one to do that. Luka had definitely had sex on hospital grounds. More than once. So had Dr Susan Lewis and her flight nurse husband, Chuck. Make that ex-husband. He could never figure those two out, whether they were together or not, but they seemed happy anyway. But they’d never been caught, at least not by their pissed-off girlfriend, right in the middle of the act. John fully expected Abby to tell as her way of getting revenge on him. He waited all day for the dismissal, or at best, a stern warning from either Kerri Weaver or Romano. He waited for sly, knowing looks or smiles from his co-workers who surely must have heard by now what he and Luka had done in the closet. He waited for someone to call him a fag or a homo. He waited all day on tenterhooks. But nothing happened. There was no dismissal; no warning, no looks or smiles or giggles, no name-calling. Nobody knew. Carter realised by the end of his shift that nobody but himself, Luka and Abby knew what had taken place. For whatever reason, Abby chose not to tell. John was so grateful to have kept his job, and his secret, he went to say thank you to his former girlfriend but she just gave him a withering look and turned her back on him. It was like a slap in the face to John.

He had spent a restless night on his own after Abby departed with her suitcase, tormented by thoughts of a handsome, velvety-voiced Croatian with soothing hands. In the morning after much tossing and turning, he knew what he was going to do. What he had to do to keep his job and his sanity. He ignored Luka all day, didn’t say hello, didn’t speak to him, didn’t even make eye contact. Fortunately, in a busy hospital, they hardly even crossed each other’s paths so it was not difficult to avoid confrontation. When Luka, desperately needing to talk to the younger medical practitioner, cornered him in the men’s bathroom, John calmly took Luka’s hand off his arm and said, “Don’t ever touch me again, Kovac. Stay the fuck away from me or I will charge you with sexual assault. You understand?” And then he walked out, leaving Luka in a state of shock. Sweet John Carter did not swear and make threats like that. Not normally. But he did. And to the one person who never thought he’d be on the receiving end. Poor Luka didn’t know what to do. It just about killed him. He couldn’t handle it.

So he went to Africa.

It was hard for John to say those things to Kovac, and he didn’t mean a word of it, but he had to do something drastic to stop Luka from trying to seduce him again. Because if Luka seduced him, Carter would give in and next time they might get ca by by Dr Chen or Dr Corday, or a student nurse, or worst case scenario, Robert Romano. Oh, Romano would have a field day with that, Carter thought with wry despair. He could just imagine what the one-armed surgeon would say to him, how he would mock him in front of everyone and take great enjoyment in it. It would NOT be pleasant. Plus, John was not gay, (or so he kept telling himself). Whatever he and Luka did together, it was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened. And will never happen again. When Kovac went to Africa, Carter missed him, of course he did, but he was also glad he was gone. Out of sight, out of mind. It would have been too painful for Dr Carter to see Kovac every day, and the wounded look in his eyes. He saw that wounded look right after he told Luka to stay the fuck away from him. It hurt John to see that but he had to say it. He had to beat his addiction. His disease. The disease called Luka Kovac. Now that Kovac was gone and no doubt having a wonderful time with the African women, John’s addiction lessened and waned. He made it his mission to get over the Croatian doctor and get back to his regular, normal heterosexual life. Now that Abby had moved out and his apartment was quiet and lonely, John really wanted her back. Each day John attempted to win Abby over with his nice-guy charm and each day Abby thawed towards him a little more. When he finally asked her to come back, she agreed. Hey, she was just as screwed up as John and needed someone just as much as he did, even if that someone was not the RIGHT someone. But Carter tried to convince himself that it was Abby he wanted, and Abby he loved, and somehow managed to trick his mind and his body into believing it. He and Abby shared some amazing moments of passion after she moved back in but in hindsight, it was probably just the thrill of make-up sex, not true love. But John didn’t know that at the time. He thought he was head over heels for the pretty brunette nurse and wanted her to have his babies and live in his mansion with him. One chilly night, on the helipad on top of the hospital roof, wind blowing his brown hair all over the place, John proposed. He took the plunge. He laid his heart on the line. And you know what Abbey said?

Nothing.

He was so sure she would say yes straight away but she didn’t. She didn’t even say no. She didn’t give him an answer at all. To John, that heartless lack of an answer hurt even more than the time he was stabbed in the lower back by an insane patient with a kitchen knife. If Abby didn’t want to marry him, how could he have this perfect life he’d envisioned? He couldn’t, that’s what. All his white picket dreams shattered, John did something utterly out of character and unexpected.

He went to Africa too. Said it was because he wanted to help the underprivileged but it was partly because he wanted to get away from Abby, and partly because he missed Luka, not that he would ever admit that out loud. When he saw Kovac again, John felt like a piece of him that was missing had been put back again. Never mind that Kovac had fooled around with God knows how many females in his tent over the many nights he’d been in the Congo. Carter didn’t care if Luka banged some chicks. That’s nothing unusual. He was just happy to see the older man again. And he could tell Luka was happy to see him too. Luka was so happy to see his ljepota, his little beauty again, more than John would ever know. Even if he had to keep his distance and squash down the urge to kiss the boy until he couldn’t breathe. No, he was just thrilled that John was there, that he was even talking to him. He generously forgave Carter for the ominous bathroom threat. Not that they spoke about that. Or what they had done in the supply cupboard. They both knew it was a taboo topic. They hung out, got drunk together, became good friends again but Luka never crossed that line and made any moves on his younger brown-eyed co-worker. Anyway, it didn’t matter that they didn’t hook up again. Kovac was satisfied with his never-ending queue of ladies while John had a few feminine prospects lined up. He began to see visions of that white picket life again.

Africa changed John, for the better, in many ways. Yes, it was stinking hot and there was always the danger of getting caught in the crossfire of the local conflict and children were dying of diseases that don’t even exist in America, but the courage of the people there was astounding. He found it extremely rewarding helping to save lives without the help of all the expensive equipment and medicines he was used to having on demand in the E.R. While the equipment and medicines would help a damn lot in Africa, Carter and the other doctors who volunteered there did the best with what limited supplies they had. Everything there was simple and uncluttered. The basic necessities. The simplicity of the life of the native people made John realise he had to simplify HIS life. Get rid of all the shit. It became clear to him that Abby was not the one for him. So, he sent her that letter. That Dear John letter. Which Abby threw out in disgust and unbeknownst to her, was found and circulated around the hospital. By the time she discovered that everyone had read it, she was well and truly pissed off. Not only that everyone knew Carter had dumped her in a fucking letter, but the fact that she knew the real reason why he was breaking up with her. In fact, the second John said he was going to Africa, Abby knew why, without a doubt.

Kovac. John wanted Kovac back. Well, he can fucking have him, Abby resolved determinedly. She was done with Dr John Carter. Done and done. I love you, I don’t love you, I’m gay, I’m not gay, marry me, don’t marry me. Christ. He’s too messed up, even for the likes of her. When John left Kovac in the tropical Congo and came back to the E.R., he came back to a very icy Abby. She was that icy, he almost got frostbite from her. But he kinda expected that. He knows what she’s like. The mood swings and selfishness. Abby could be very selfish at times and not see the other person’s point of view. John saw a t-shirt once with the words, “It’s all about ME,” written on it. He could just picture Abby wearing that. He almost bought it and then decided not to for fear of having her kick him in the nuts. Yeah, Abby’s frosty welcome was not something to keep in his “good memories” box.

Then there was the God-awful, soul-freezing, frightening moment when Carter thought Luka was dead. That he had been cold-bloodedly executed. Carter’s heart nearly fell out onto the ground when he heard that. And so, back to Africa he went. There was no way in hell John was going to leave Luka’s body in another continent to rot, unburied, all alone. He went back for Luka’s body and to find out exactly what happened to his friend. Abby wasn’t too delighted about him going back there but he hardly paid any attention to her. As far as John was concerned, Abby was out of the picture. What SHE wanted didn’t matter anymore. All he cared about was bringing back Luka. Dead or alive. There lingered faint hope that maybe, just maybe the authorities had made a terrible mistake and maybe Luka wasn’t really dead. Still, he had to brace himself for the possible sight of Luka’s beheaded, decaying corpse lying in a ditch somewhere, or his body hanging from a tree with maggots squirming inside of his mouth, or curled up on the ground with the back of his skull blown out and his hands tied behind his back. There were many grisly, cruel ways that Luka could have been put to death. To retrieve Kovac’s body and bring it back to the States, John had to brace himself for any of those possibilities. And try not to get himself killed in the process.

Imagine his utter, spendinnding joy when he found Luka. ALIVE! Carter nearly wept. But he stayed strong and got Luka the fuck out of that place. Like a knight in shining armour, Carter rescued him. And Luka was so full of unending gratitude and thankfulness and deep devotion that his American doctor friend came all this way back to find him, that he kissed John on the cheek. In front of everyone. It was the first time Kovac had shown affection to John in public and the first time John had let him do it. It did not worry Carter what people would think; he was just so overwhelmed to have found Luka still breathing. It was the most amazing day of his entire life.

Kovac came back to the good old US of A and after his recovery, he was back at work and trying to cut down on unnecessary tests and procedures, much to everyone else’s confusion and disgruntlement. Seeing how much money was spent on such tests seemed like a huge waste to him, especially when they didn’t have that kind of wealth to throw around in Africa. While attempting to change the way things were done around the place, he started to get interested in the new nurse Sam. Her bratty little finger-stealing son Alex was what drew them both together. When a freshly-shaven Dr John Carter rejoined the chaos of the E.R., he bought someone back from the Congo with him. Makemba, or Kem for short. She was a beautiful AIDS clinic worker who happened to be carrying John’s child and her arrival stirred up the whole hospital. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Romano got crushed by a falling helicopter, Pratt paralysed a patient, Dr Chen’s mom died, a suave new male doctor – even suaver than Kovac - was hitting on the widowed Elizabeth Corday, Kerri Weaver’s girlfriend got pregnant and so did Dr Susan Lewis. It had been quite an eventful year.

Abby was cool towards Carter as usual but at least they were on speaking terms again. Hoping to realise his dream of settling down, John bought a townhouse for Kem and the baby. But she said she could not live in Carter’s world and she went back to the Congo, leaving the poor man devastated. While a lovely person, Kem annoyed everyone with her incessant questions about the hospital and not everybody shed a tear to see her go, least of all Abby.

And that’s where we’re at.

On his next shift, Carter was upset. Luka could see this. He knows that Kem got on that plane and flew away despite John’s romantic last-minute airport dash. Luka couldn’t stand seeing John so sad. Again, another woman who cannot seet a t a fantastic catch she has passed over. He wonders what the hell is wrong with these crazy women. How can they discard the wonderful, kind, good-looking Dr John Carter like some kind of fast food wrapper? That young man was like a gold nugget amongst all the dirt, and not just because he was obscenely rich. Luka doesn’t care one iota about that. He would be attracted to John even if he was working at Subway making sandwiches. But if John had proposed to Luka or bought him a house, well damn. Luka would have stuck that ring on his finger and said, “When can I move in?” He wanted to be with John, in spite of all the other ladies and his blossoming relationship with Sam. However, it appeared that John wanted to be with Kem. Kovac saw the way John’s dark eyes were clouded with sadness even as he saved lives on the operating table and it nearly broke his Croatian heart.

During a rare break, Luka loitered around in the general vicinity of his former male lover and when the opportunity arose, he tried to taartearter’s arm and direct him into the closet. Not so much for sex but just for a quiet moment to talk. Carter refused.

“No,” he said sourly, yanking his arm back. “Leave me alone, Kovac. I’m not in the mood.”

“I just want to talk, Carter,” Kovac persuaded in a soft tone of voice, taking John’s arm again. “I just want to see if you’re okay. Just come in here and talk to me.”

Not believing the older MD’s intentions, Carter twisted out of Luka’s grasp, fairly yelling, “No! We can NOT go there again. Got it?”

“John…” Luka called out but all he saw was John’s stiff back as he strode purposefully away. A student nurse was staring at him and Luka snapped, “What are you looking at, magarac?” as he went past. He had just called the nurse a jackass in his own language. One can’t have a goddamn minute of privacy in this overcrowded hospital and nobody minds their own goddamn business. Shortly, Luka finished his shift and, needing to make certain his lovelorn friend was not going to attempt suicide or get hooked on painkillers again, he hung around in the nearest diner for three hours, reading, till John came out. He stuffed his book in his bag and unobtrusively followed the younger man out in the street. They were both wearing coats in the brisk weather. Eight steps later, John sighed and stopped, rubbing at his tired eyes.

“I know you’re there, Kovac. What do you want?”

“To talk,” Kovac answeredestlestly from behind him. “That is all.”

John sighed again and turned around. He looked mildly irritated as well as physically drained after his long shift. “Can’t you tell when someone wants you to just go away?”

Kovac shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, gazing at the other male with his green-flecked eyes. “Yes, I can but that doesn’t mean I’m going to. I think you need to talk, and I am here for you to talk to.”

Even though he is wrong in this instance, the younger doctor thinks he knows exactly what Kovac has in mind when he says “talk”. And it involves a lot more than just mere words. If Luka was assuming that John was just going to slip into the closet with him and start up this…this shameful, sordid AFFAIR again, he’s going to be disappointed. John was over that. Way over it. He’s not going to do it anymore. Even though deep inside, he secretly wanted to. Especially now that Kem had left him. It hurt that she was gone. How he would love to let Luka’s stroking hands and hungry mouth make all the pain go away. But it shouldn’t happen. Luka = disease. Disease = addiction. Addiction = bad. With a sound of exasperation, John said, “Please, just leave me alone. We can’t do that again.”

“That” meaning sexual activities of the homoerotic kind. They were somehow standing next to Luka’s car. It was 11.45 pm and the streets were empty, save for a stray cat and a homeless woman shuffling along with her shopping cart. She went past them muttering to herself, not paying any attention to the two handsome men conversing on the sidewalk.

“Why not?” Kovac questioned.

“Well, not only am I not interested in you anymore,” Carter lied, “but remember how we got caught?”

Kovac remembered. Fuck yeah, how he remembered. Stupid fucking Abby had to open the door and catch them in the act. If she hadn’t done that, John wouldn’t have gotten scared and broke it off with Luka. He still holds a grudge against the bitch for that.

“As far as I know,” Carter continued, “Abby has not told anyone but next time we might not be so lucky. We could lose our jobs. I dunno about you, but I need my job, Kovac.”

Kovac considered this, his eyes darting around at their surroundings. Eventually, he met John’s gaze and said, “Okay, you’re right. We can’t do that again.”

“Finally! You get it. Hallelujah.” John spread his hands in a gesture of triumph and looked to the heavens.

“Yeah, I get it,” Kovac answered. With relief, John faced his co-worker again, about to tell Luka to leave him alone for the third time when Luka resumed speaking.

“We can’t do that. So, let’s not do that, John. Let’s do it at home then.”

“Huh?”

While Carter was trying to understand Luka’s logic, Luka opened the passenger door and jostled John into the car. John gave a surprised, “Hey!” But he let himself be bundled into the vehicle. It was probably better they discuhis his inside the car, instead of out on the street where anyone could hear them. As Luka slid into the driver’s side, Carter stared at him and said perplexedly, “Have you even been listening to me? What do you think you’re doing now?”

Calmly inserting the key into the ignition, Luka stated, “I’m kidnapping you, Carter.”

“You…what? No, you’re not,” Carter protested. He attempted to escape but Luka had engaged the child locks and John could not open the door. “Let me out!”

“Not a chance.” Luka grinned evilly. “Besides, you know what I think?” He didn’t wait for Carter to answer that. “I think you want to be kidnapped by me.”

With a shocked look, John denied, “I do not!”

“C’mon, admit it. You still want me,” Kovac said confidently. “Isn’t that why you followed me all the way to Africa?”

“No! It…it wasn’t. It wasn’t that at all.” Carter was beginning to look flustered.

“Little liar,” Luka replied in a low tone, almost a purr. He swivelled in his seat and leaned close to the second man, placing one palm on Carter’s slim thigh. Carter jerked at the contact but he couldn’t go anywhere.

“Don’t, Luka,” he pleaded, weakly pushing at Kovac’s hand, his heart pounding in both excitement and fear. Luka just leaned closer. His warm breath caressed the younger male’s cheek as he whispered into Carter’s ear.

“You still want me, don’t you? Because I still want you lje ljepota.”

Carter flushed at the older man’s pet name for him and tried to stop the blood rushing to both his face and his groin. That exotic accent did naughty things to him. Kovac moved his hand along Carter’s leg and breathed in the sorely-missed scent of him, like rich-boy cologne, sterilising solution and the sea breeze. He enticed huskily, “Tell me you still want me.”

Even though he DID still want Kovac, God help him, Carter wasn’t going to say it. Instead, he said in a trembling voice, “We can’t do this anymore.” He removed Luka’s steadily creeping hand from his thigh. It felt like the other guy’s palm print was burnt into his skin. When Kovac frowned at him quizzically, Carter reinforced in a stronger tone, “We CAN’T see each other again. It’s insane. It nearly drove ME insane. I don’t even know why I let you do those things to me all those months ago. I’m not into guys. I’m not!”

Contrary to his proclamation, Carter was half hard. Noticing this in the yellow streetlight filtering through the windows, Kovac replied patiently, “Whatever you say, John. I’m not judging you.”

“No, Kovac, you don’t get it,” Carter ranted. “You’re bad for me. Not only did you make Abby leave me but now Kem has left. She figured out that us two had a…a… THING and she left me.”

Kovac blinked in astonishment. He did not know this. He thought Kem left because she wanted to save the world.

“Yeah,” Carter said in a wounded, accusing voice. “I don’t know how but she figured it out. She left because of you. She left and she took my baby with her. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. And I’ll probably never see my child.”

Suddenly, Carter buried his face in his hands and started crying. On top of having his pregnant girlfriend break up with him, he lost a little boy in mid-surgery today. He was only five years old. Motor vehicle accident. No seatbelt. Carter had done everything he possibly could to save him but to no avail. The boy died. Of course, it wasn’t John’s fault, but he still felt like he failed. He was very aware that the parents of this little boy had just lost their son and he felt the same. He felt like he lost his son when Kem left. He didn’t know for sure if the baby was going to be a boy but he felt intuitively like it would be. Or maybe it was wishful thinking but whatever it was, his child had been snatched away from him like the little boy on the operating table. The only difference was, John’s child hadn’t been born yet. He felt a huge sense of loss. It wouldn’t matter so much if he and Kem never got back together because he knows how women come and go but to lose your first and only child – potential heir to all your fortune and future carrier of the esteemed Carter name, was something you could never replace. He felt so weak and pathetic, bawling in front of Luka like this, but he couldn’t stop.

“Oh, crap,” Kovac uttered guiltily. He should have known better than to push the guy when he’s emotionally unstable. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He wanted to hug Carter but didn’t think it was a good idea so he kept his arms and hands to himself.

Carter dragged in a wavering breath and wiped his eyes with his knuckles, forcing himself to quit blubbering. It was embarrassing. He sniffed and said impatiently, “Forget it.”

Having second thoughts about kidnng tng the boy, Kovac pressed the button that released the child-proof locks on the doors. He wouldn’t stop John if he wanted to leave. He had thought that he could make John feel better, as he had the last few times he gave Carter “medical attention”, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe John did need to be left alone.

“You can go,” he offered.

Carter didn’t say anything, didn’t look at Luka but he didn’t get out either.

“Or…you can stay,” Luka added slowly, eyeing Carter closely to see if he could discern the younger doctor’s plan of action. When Carter still didn’t make a move to exit the vehicle, Luka started the engine.

“If you want to go, get out now,” Luka advised. “Or else I’m taking you home with me. Because seriously, by the looks of you, you don’t need therapy. You need intensive care.”

Carter was too exhausted to reply. He just sat there, staring out the window. Luka took that as a positive and put the car in first gear, swinging the vehicle out onto the road.


To be continued...


A/N: I know! You hate me! *ducks* But the next chapter will make up for it, I swear! And it will be up very soon, I promise.