Jack couldn't believe his ears. The sound of the TARDIS forming was louder then even his own heartbeat. He started to shake. He started feeling anxious. Clumsily getting to his feet, he looked around. He was looking desperately. The air seemed to rush out of his lungs as he laid eyes upon her. To his amazement, there in the doorway, was the Doctor. His Doctor. The brown with blue pin striping suite perfectly fitted, his long jacket making him look powerful. His hair was the same as it had always been, his eyes looking weary. Either way, Jack was thrilled. The wind sent an icy chill down Jack's spine. He tried to speak but the words wouldn't go past the lump in his throat. He started awkwardly towards him, a smile on his lips, misty eyes and arm stretched out waiting for the usual greeting. Jack stopped abruptly when nothing happened near the TARDIS door. There was something about the way he stood, almost like he was frozen or unmoving. He was just standing there, staring at Jack. He did not walk out with his usual smile, his friendly hug. By now they'd be hugging, but he was still standing alone. There was no “Hello Jackie boy!” or “ Oh you impossible thing you!” Jack felt what was left of his emotional heart fall into the pit of his stomach. It had finally happened. He was finally really out of his mind with want and need. His mind had finally decided to it had too much. Jack started to sway, he started to shake his head. He clenched his arms around himself in a hug. Trying to hold on to hope he trudged himself forward.
The Doctor watched as Jack stumbled towards him, a crazed look starting to match his wild, unkept hair. There was a storm rolling in, its sound stretching across the tension that was building. Jacks features were pale; his lips were cracked and bleeding from dehydration. His eyes were that of a monster, something dark. Something not Jack. The Doctor noted that he looked almost too small for his coat, like his once strong frame and broad shoulders had vanished. This man in front of him was mad. Mad, and part of it was his fault. He had waited too long to get here. The Doctor kept telling his legs to move, but he felt held to the TARDIS. The Doctor could not pull himself from his place against the blue door. It was then that he heard the laughter from the broken Captain. The Doctor felt terrible, as he watched Jack. He was acting so stupid, why could he not take the simple step towards his friend, his old companion. The pain in his chest for him was aching so badly he couldn't breathe. Every second he stayed away, made him feel more and more like a coward.
The immortal man swaggered like a drunkard. His laughs were almost evil sounding, void of something good. His laughter was cold and bitter, just like the way he felt inside.
"I really am losing it!" He finally yelled, "You aren't even here you stubborn bastard, you're never there when I need you." Then more laughter and every pitch of it drumming into the Doctors emotions like daggers. The laughter soon faded too hysterical sobbing. He watched as tears were falling from Jack's eyes, his hands visibly shaking harshly. The Doctor struggled to swallow the lump in his throat,
"I loved you too yah know, and you just keep leaving me behind when
I need it most!" He spat. His words felt like venom to the old Time Lord. "You don't care about anyone but yourself,
we can keep loving you but no-one is ever truly good enough are they?. It's stupid how you just get our hearts so easily, even though we know it will never change, we always hope it will though. I bet even Rose still does too" Jack stopped then, struggling for control to stand steady, to stop ranting, to regain control. He was flailing his arms around, he felt like two different people fighting for control, "You even
left Rose behind and that girl was perfect,
so perfect, and you just threw her away to that other
dimension!. She came back too you like I did, and you probably threw her back! Didn't you?! You use us while you need us, but when
you start to feel better, were all tossed away like
garbage because you had your fill!"
The Doctor was shaking. Images of Bad Wolf Bay returned. They ripped him apart inside just as freshly as they had then. The way his human self had everything he ever wanted. His arms around her, the way they embraced. He spent many nights imagining they love they must make, the memories. He could not tell just what he was feeling right then, but something was rising inside of him. He did not even notice the cold now, and all of his self control seemed lost. He finally managed to step towards Jack. He was unsteady at first, but with one swing of his arm he landed his clenched fist straight into Jacks temple. The sound made a loud snap, Jacks eyes rolled back sharply. The crazed male fell into the ground with a loud thud, kicking up dust as he did. Everything was red in his vision, the throbbing made things seem slow. Jack's stomach burned, the ground was spinning. The Doctor's breathing was heavy; a sweat had broken out across his forehead. He couldn't stop shaking. He was so angry, his fury felt like that of the Dalek bitterness he always carried,
"Fuck you!" He suddenly exploded, "Just fuck you Jack Harkness! Your a stuck up cocky selfish bastard. Your so self centred you should have a planet orbiting around you!" His head was beginning to throb; the TARDIS' humming was getting louder. Everything around him seemed fuzzy. It wasn't long before he realized the TARDIS was trying to warn him. The radiation was tearing at him again, he was speeding up its process. Her telepathic ability suddenly smashed into his brain with an almost scolding fury. Falling backwards he fell into the dirt, everything was spinning. Sprawled out awkwardly he managed to kind of sit up. "Fuck you..." He managed again a little weaker, "At least I know she is still alive and happy the only way I could have managed to let her be" The last part came out as a forced, choked sob. Angrily, the Doctor let a few tears fall.
Jack was still staring at the ground. His vision had gone from red to blurry now. The words the Doctor had said were sharp and cold, like icy punches hitting his very core. If looks could kill, Jack certainly would have been dead. He should have known the Doctor would have some idea of what happened with Ianto and the 456... He was after all, not by any means, a stupid being. Jack almost sobbed at the thought of Ianto again, the whole scene playing like a movie in front of his face. Jack did not even know who he was anymore, that much was evident then. He would never, ever have said those things before. After all, anyone who knew The Doctor, knew how he felt about Rose. It was just a shame that the poor Time Lord could never catch a break, and be happy for more than a short period of time. Seemed the universe had a way of always giving him hope, then shitting on him again. He supposed though the Doctor wasn't the only one. Jack understood that feeling too, even if some of it was by his own hand.
Managing to sit up, Jack finally stared at the man who was now hunched over himself on the ground. He had hurt the Doctor. The one person Jack could always count on. He had hurt the best friend Jack had ever had. The man he most respected, the man he loved on more than just on level of emotion. He finally got what he wanted, and he tossed it back into the Doctor's face with ungrateful disrespect. He just couldn't stop hurting the people he loved. Jack knew he could be an ass when he wanted too, but this really took the cake. Completely mad or not. The image of the most feared man in the universe, clearly overwhelmed with pain, was like a slap in the face that finally snapped Jack back completely. His hands were visibly clenching his sides and abdomen. He pulled himself over to the Doctor, starting to cry again. He never seemed to be able to stop these days.
He grasped the Doctor in his arms, their foreheads touching,
"Fuck Doc" He finally managed shakily, "I'm so fucking sorry" He half sobbed then feeling more broken than ever, "I didn't mean-" He struggled, "I never-"
The Doctor finally lifted his eyes to look at Jack. Very gently he wiped the tears from Jacks eyes, a gesture that shocked them both. Neither one said anything for quite some time. Everything around them seemed to just pause. Their eyes spoke a thousand words of sorrow. Jack very slowly returned the Doctors gesture then, wiping a tear from his beautiful brown eyes. That's when a slip of the Doctors control sent him hurling through Jacks memories and emotions like the TARDIS through the vortex. It made the Doctors eyes burn, his head hurt. The things he saw, the things he was feeling. It was just too much to handle. It was overwhelming. They both had to remind themselves to breathe, as Jack got sort of wobbly.
This was not how he wanted them to reunite. Not like this, not with the Doctor. Jack frowned; the tingling in his mind was still there. Somehow he had caught a brief image of the Doctors recent thoughts and feelings in the psychic moment. The backlash between their minds was like being crushed by a truck. Everything he had felt, and seen. It broke Jacks heart all over again. He stared into the Doctors eyes, his arms pulling them closer. He was not sure if he had done it for the Doctor, or for himself. Either way, it felt right. The smell of his hair, the way he could feel the Doctors chest rising with each breath, the cool feel of his skin. Jack did not want to let him go.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" the Time Lord managed shakily, "This is why I wanted to stay away, I knew nothing good was going to come of this!" He shoved Jack away, its attempt almost pathetic. He fell more than once trying to stand. It was so painful to watch. Holding his right side, the lanky man in brown finally managed to his feet. Jack didn't move. He couldn't move. It did not seem real as he watched the Doctor struggle to get back to the TARDIS. He felt ashamed; the Doctor had just seen everything that was eating at him, driving him crazy. He also felt like he had betrayed him by seeing everything that had happened since they last parted. His last images of Time Lords being ripped away from earth again, the Doctors best friend disappearing too. Jack just couldn't catch a moment's peace without his past coming to bite him in the ass, or the Doctor's getting in the way. Jack slammed his fists into the ground so hard, they bled. He let out a frustrated growl.
The TARDIS door slammed shut with a violent fury. The tenth generation Time Lord swore at the top of his lungs in his native language till he ran out of breathe. He landed against the stairs with a thud, sliding to the floor. The TARDIS floor was cool against his face as he laid down. He did not care anymore where he was, as long as it was within the walls of the TARDIS. He really could not care less as long as it was far, far away from everybody and everything. He could still feel the effects of using his abilities; they were churning his stomach violently.
"Are you happy now?" He managed with a bitter hiss towards the TARDIS, "This is all your fault!" Talking made everything ache. Another spasm of his insides, and everything seemed to grow fuzzy, dark. Some days were just worse than others lately. Dying was definitely taking its sweet ass time.
His last thought before everything went black, was that he should have locked the damn door.
