The Desperate and the Forbidden

Male masturbation in this chap. It's not too bad though. I had wrote this and it wasn't too graphic. I changed some things slightly.
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The Desperate and the Forbidden
chapter/four: The Risks At Hand

Sean was scrubbed up and ready to fix Mrs. Camden's nose in near record time. Since it was the first thing on the agenda, he could get it out of the way. Liz raised an eyebrow to him as he entered the OR. His coat was tied, gloves were on, and the mask was in place.
"The patient is in twilight and is ready when you are, Sean." Liz announced kindly.
"Thank you, Liz... fifteen blade." Sean took the scalpel and began his work.
"I assumed Christian would be assisting." Liz inquired.
"No, just me today." Sean smiled through his surgical mask.
"Well, where is Christian? I haven't seen him this morning, and it feels strange starting off the day without the usual morning insult."
"I'm sure everything's fine, Liz." Sean replied trying to concentrate.
"Are you sure? You two are still livivng together, right?"
"Uh huh." Sean responded, still concentrating.
"Well, ususally you leave together...."
"We don't leave together, we have seperate vehicles." Sean sounded offended. He raised up and straightened the kinks out of his back.
"You know what I mean, Sean. Did he come in last night at all?"
"Liz, Christian's personal life is none of my business."
Liz couldn't believe what she just heard; Sean and Christian always share their business and personal business with each other. She wanted to roll her eyes, but noticed that Linda had beat her to it. Sean didn't see the gesture.
"When has it not been your business, Sean?" Liz asked what they were all thinking, including Sean himself.
"Why are you so interested? Chrsitian is a grown man and I can't be discussing his personal endeavors when I'm trying to focus on a patient."
"Please, you two always discuss your personal endeavors during surgery, plus, you could do a nose job blind-folded. He was scheduled to assist you." Liz resonded, hand on her hip. Sean looked at her past the top part of his glasses.
"Like you said Liz; I can do a nose job blind-folded, I don't need Christian to hold my hand."
"No, Sean, you don't. But, ususally when one of you is scheduled to assist the other and there is an unexplained change in plans, something is going on, or about to explode."
"Nothing is going on, nothing will explode, we're fine."
"Okay, but if one more fight breaks out..." Liz cut herself off mid-sentence.
"That's only happened twice.... and it's not going to happen again.... Scissors."
Liz finally gave up. It's fine, why worry about the business? It's not like it's been perfect in the last few years. The assistant handed Sean the chisel. He knew Liz was right, he could do a nose job practically in his sleep, but he hoped the concentration on it would take his mind off other things. Ask Julia, she knew better than anyone that when Sean had something on his mind, he got productive.
--
The Sunlight had been hurting his eyes, not to mention his head. Seeping in, fucking with his sleep. Christian groaned at the throbbing behind his eye sockets, it wasn't being helped by the evil rays of daylight. Christian slowly opened his tired eyes to blurriness, he blinked a couple of times to rid them of it. At first he was confused as to where he was, whose bed he was in. Then he remembered, he was in Sean's bed and could avoid the awkwardness of waking up in some chick's house. He turned his head to gaze at the clock on the nightstand. It said 11:32.
"Shit, Sean." He muttered. He was beyond late and wondered why Sean hadn't bothered to even try and wake him. Obviously he had missed the fucking alarm.
Christian sat up and rubbed his hands over his face, trying to banish the last drop of sleep from it. He threw back the covers and swung his legs over the bed, yawning, and willing himself to get on up. Two minutes later he was in his own bathroom, in his own shower, letting the water cascade down his body. It was soothing, warm, and getting all the drowsiness completely out of his system. Even with the relaxing shower, he couldn't help wondering why he felt the way he did.
Coming to terms with the fact that he was in love with Sean, his partner, his best friend... that was one thing. Admitting it out loud was a whole different ballgame. Questions swirled in his mind like the water and the suds from his bodywash swirled down the drain. Questions he wasn't sure he wanted to answer or face, but questions that were imposing their will, whether he liked it or not. What would he say to Sean? How would he go about it? Sean and himself had discussed many things over the course of their twenty year friendship. Most couples who are together for decades longer don't have the luxury of talking so opening with each other about the kind of shit Sean and Christian discussed. So why would admitting to the man who he knew so well, and that knows him equally as well, that he loved him be so hard?
He scrubbed his hair and ran his fingers through it as the water rinced away the shampoo, letting the questions wrap around potional solutions. After all he had the perfect chance last night, he let it pass. He had always been the type of man that if he saw something he wanted, he went after it with passion and conviction.
But, the answer was simple; It was too big of a risk. Sean was not some ditzy bimbo one-night-stand at a bar. Sean was his business partner, his best friend. Sean was the only relationship he really had that had lasted, that meant... anything. The only one he hadn't completely fucked up. Julia didn't count, he had knew Julia for twenty years, he had knew her in other ways more complicated. But, Julia, always tried to push Christian away-- wanted him to get his own family. Chrsitian only knew one family and she didn't want him apart of it.
He couldn't be completely upset at her, he never was. Hurt? Yes. Upset? No. She was just afraid she'd act on certain long repressed feelings. Maybe he was too. Neither wanted to really hurt Sean. The need to be with Julia was always out-weighed by the need to protect Sean. He had told Sean that he didn't think anything could come between them, except Julia. Then he waited for Sean to give them his blessing. Sean couldn't do that. Chrsitian was lying; if he could have his cake and eat it too, he'd take a big slice. But, if it meant loosing the man he so admired, he'd sit back and let Sean have Julia. Just like he always did.
Christian's words from last night echoed in his ears like a song gets stuck in your head.
"She's just not the one Sean, for either of us."
Christian had convinced himself of that already, now he need to convince Sean.
He played the damn conversation over and over in his head. Thinking about what he'd say, it never came out right. Maybe they'd argue, fight, or Sean would go quiet and then leave the room. But there were the good ones where they'd kiss, then fuck, then Sean would feel guilty and leave Christian alone in bed. That was a rare occurrence; Chrsitian being the one left alone in bed after a hot night of sex. Sean would be the only one, well at least these days, that Christian wouldn't want to kick out. Wouldn't tell him to leave after Sean had fell asleep in his arms and sun had came up.
Chrsitian's hands rubbed ever so lightly down his body, making their way to the hardening shaft of his dick. He could imagine lying naked with Sean, holding him. His fingers wrapped around his cock, pumping harder. Shutting his eyes tighter, getting lost in fantasy, ignoring voices screaming at him that he shouldn't have these thoughts. Propping himself up with his free hand on the shower wall, water running down his back, seeing himself kissing Sean, exploring places that were forbidden.
Faster, harder.... Christian gasped at the release, coming instantly, his breathing hitched, slowing. He opened his eyes, a hundred more thoughts running like mad inside his head.
Chrsitian had collected himself and turned off the water. He finished getting ready and headed for McNamara/Troy.
--
Upon arrival, he found Sean sitting in the breakroom sipping fresh coffee. Liz sat beside him reading a newspaper with very little fascination.
"Well, it's about time you decided to join us. I thought we were gonna have to put out an ad for a new surgeon." Liz greeted letting the paper fall. Sean barely acknowledged Christian's entrance.
"You remember what happened last time we done that Liz... Sean nearly got his head cut off and I nearly lost my right hand." Chrsitian said pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"Chrsitian, I don't want to hear anymore about that, I'm trying to put it behind me." Sean finally spoke.
"Along with a shit load of other things." Liz replied in reference to getting shot, lossing her kydney, the usual stuff that happens in an operating room. "So, why are you late?"
"Alarm clock trouble." Christian replied looking at Sean who was staring down into his coffee with troublesome fascination. Liz didn't notice, she went back to the article that slightly held her attention.
"Out late with a supermodel, yet again?" Liz asked more like a statement.
"No, the supermodel was out quiet early." Christian smiled arrogantly before taking a slow sip of the hot liquid.
"Guess she realized what a pig you were and ran screaming." Liz commented.
"Not at all, actually, she saw the picture I keep of you in the photo album I have on the coffee table, then she ran screaming."
"Aww, that's so sweet. You keep a picture of me in a coffee table photobook." Liz deliberately ignored the insult. Christian smirked cause he knew she would.
"Lizzy, do you mind? I need to speak with my partner alone." Christian glanced at Sean, who finally looked up from his mug.
"I'm sure anything you have to say, you can say in front of Liz. After all, she knows everything that goes on in both of our lives." Sean rolled his eyes over to Liz, who was still 'buried" in the entertainment section.
"Why didn't you you make sure I was up, Sean?" Christian accused.
"I didn't think it was my duty to. After all, you're not a child. I don't put you to bed, I don't wake you up." Sean reminded Christian of his words last night.
"If you drink too much and I get up first, I make sure you're up. I'd expect the same goddamn liberty."
"You shoudn't drink so much alcohol when you know we have surgery scheduled early the next day."
"I never heard your alarm clock, Sean" Chrsitian leaned against the counter and took another slow sip. Liz let one side of the paper fall and looked over at Christian, thinking to herself that this sounded interesting. More so than the newspaper.
"You should've heard it." Sean reclined back in his chair, feeling uncomfortable, wondering if it was the chair, or the conversation.
"You turned the damn thing off before I could." Christian shot back, not hateful.
Liz's eyes widened. Something was definately going on with these two.
"You came into my room, Christian, you know good and damn well that my alarm is shitty and low."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did I miss something here?" Liz folded the paper up and sit it down. "You two slept together?"
"It's not like that Liz...." Sean looked over at her.
"I had a nightmare and we slept together... nothing happened." Christian finished as he noticed Sean's uncomfortable demeanor.
"A nig... what are you two?" Liz smirked.
"That's exactly what I said... Look, Liz, it was nothing we slept in the same bed, nothing happened. We've known one another for twenty years, we're adults." Sean stated.
"Hey, I'm not the one to pass judgement." Liz got up and walked out of the breakroom and on back to work.
Both men watched her leave before Sean finally drew his attention back to Chrsitian. "Thanks for blurting shit out."
"Me?" Christian's gaze snapped back to Sean.
"It was harmless, we're adults. We didn't do anything wrong."
"No, we didn't, so there's no need to act weird, Sean. I'll be in my office if you need me." Christian passed Sean on his way out and patted his shoulder in a friendly gesture.
'There's plenty need to act weird, you didn't want to act on it.' Sean thought. He had contemplated about it. He could go in Christian's office and just confess. But he knew it was risky. Christian is the straightest guy he knows, if he divulges in him his biggest secret, Christian was likely to freak out and Sean would loose his freindship with the man forever. It was too high of a bet, and Sean was not a gambler.
If Escobar were here, he'd tell Sean that he had no balls. He'd tell him to go after what he wanted. But he had too much shit on his plate to let his conscience conjure up old ghosts. Besides, he was at ease knowing that prick Gallardo was rotting in hell.
Sean sighed and sat his coffee down on the table before picking up the newspaper Liz had left behind. Maybe the latest world disaster would take his mind off the shit eating at him. After a few seconds of flipping through pages and articles, he began to find it more depressing. Then his eyes scanned an article about a young boy, just sixteen, who had murdered his mother after she caught him in bed with his fifteen year old female cousin. He murdered her because she would not give her blessing of their incest. It was different from his situation with Matt, but not by much. All the piece did was piss Sean off a little bit more. He folded the paper and brought it down on the table a bit harder than he probably should have. The motion knocked his coffee off the table and caused it to spill on to his leg, barely missing his crotch.
"Shit." Sean let out a yell and scooted back in his seat away from the liquid dripping off the table and in relation to the stinging of the coffee .
"Sean, what's wrong?" Christian's voice was present in the doorway.
"I burnt my goddamn leg." Sean winced at the hot sensation as he used the newspaper to wipe it off of him as if it were a towel.
"You okay?" Christian asked getting some towels and tending to the mess before it caused any more accidents.
"Yeah, I'm... I thought you were in your office?" Sean changed the subject on himself.
"I was, I was just walking through to get a chart. Need any help?" Sean had walked over to the sink as Chrisatian was talking, Christian's eyes left the coffee 'death-trap' long enough to watch him.
"No, I'm fine Christian." Sean replied wetting a rag and continuing to wipe.
"Let me take a look at it." Christian offered.
"No." Sean's tone was a tad touchy.
"It could be serious."
"It's nothing, Christian, it wasn't that hot." He wasn't lying, it wasn't, still hurt though.
"Sean, is this about last night?" Christian asked.
"Spilling coffee on myself has nothing to do with last night." Sean smiled a bit.
"I mean... the way you're acting." Christian said standing back up.
"How am I acting?" Sean replied, his back still turned away from Christian.
"Like you don't want to be in two feet of me." Christian responded tossing the wet, crumbled up, coffee stained newspaper along with some paper towels that looked the same in to the trash can.
"I'm just busy is all." Sean took a breath.
"With what? You don't have another consult til one-thirty." Christian inquired, he walked slowly up to the side of Sean keeping his distance so he wouldn't unnerve him.
"It's..." Sean held his wrist up and studied his watch, "one-ten now."
"Sean, did it bother you?" Christian gazed down at a spot on the floor, arms held behind his back, he almost looked innocent.
"No, not at all." Sean refrained from turning his head in Christian's direction. Infact, he hadn't looked at Christian since he want to the sink. The sting of the coffee, however, was the last thing on his mind.
"Then why did you spill hot coffee on you leg? You don't just have accidents when nothing is eating at you."
"It's nothing Christian. Drop it." Sean thought it sounded as if he were pleading.
"Is it Matty?"
"No." Sean shook his head, finding something in the sink fascinating, or at least Christain thought he did by the way Sean kept his gaze there.
"Julia?"
"No."
"Conor or Annie?"
"No." Sean wanted to sound frustrated at Christian's persistence, but he kept his voice calm and went back to wiping like a control freak.
"Wilbur? 'Cause I called Julia and she said he was fine and was having the time of his life with Conor. You know, Sean, he may have found a life-long friend. Maybe, they'll become closer than... brothers." Christian said putting emphasis on the word 'brothers'. He leaned forward and looked over Sean's shoulder. Sean shook off his notions and looked back at his partner.
"I'm fine, Christian, really. The kids, Julia, they're all fine. It's okay. Everything." Sean assured, amazed that he kept his voice calm and steady. Sean ignored the voice in the back of his head that asked him who he thought he was trying to convince. He also ignored that the voice called him a fucking hypocrite, among a few other things.
"Okay... I just wanna make sure we're good."
"We're good, Christian." Sean smiled causing Christian to smile back.
"You want me to sit in on your next consult?" Christian offered.
"If you want, it's nothing really."
"We're partners remember? We should have more hands in each other's business...."

For the most part Sean had tuned Christian out, too busy trying to control the damn butterflies in his stomach, that is until he felt Christian's arms wrap around his waist and pulled him back into him. He felt Christian's lips on his neck ever so lightly as he kissed him, then grazed his lips on the area next to Sean's ear. Chills ran up and down the startled doctor and the next thing he knew Christian was reaching for his belt, undoing it and his zipper. Christian's hand slipping down inside...

"Sean? Sean?!" Christian's voice brought him back to his consciousness. Sean gazed over at him blankly, swallowing, then opened his mouth like he might say something. It wasn't like Christian was in his head, but it sure felt like it to Sean.
"Did you hear me?" Christian went on.
"I'm sorry." Sean responded that no, he didn't.
"I said we should have more hands in each other's business. After all, we work better as a team and four hands are much better than two." Christian walked off as he finished.
Sean looked down at the floor, his face flushed in almost embarrassment. He couldn't even look at, or talk to, Christian without his mind getting away with him. He finally willed himself to move from the spot that he had occupied. Maybe the consult would take his mind off of it.
Sean walked to his office rather slowly, he was still embarrassed and sick at himself. He scolded himself for having feelings for someone he could never have, like some school girl lusting over the captain of the football team, knowing full well he'll never love her back, like Christian would never.... Sean stopped that thought and collected himself before he entered his office.
--
A week passed without much to say, things were normal, Sean was glad they were. He couldn't take the wars raging in his head. Sean went on about his business, tried to keep distance from Christian without making him think he was avoiding him.
At two o'clock Sean showed up at Julia's, it was Sunday, the weekend was over and he was dropping off Conor and Annie, back to their loving mother. The kids ran on to their rooms to put away their things, Julia poured Sean a drink, Olivia wasn't home.
"How where they?" Julia asked handing him the glass.
"Great, they were good kids... are good kids. I had no trouble at all." Sean responded taking a drink. Julia lifted her head in an understanding nod. Sean had noted that Julia seemed more cold to him since she found out that he had told her he was her husband while she was in her amnesia state. She eyed him queerly. A hateful expression marking her features. Sean knew eventually she'd get over it, Julia doesn't know how to hold a grudge.
"So, Annie's scar has healed nicely. It should be barely noticeable in a few months." Sean spoke after a short, but awkward, silence.
"Yeah, Sean, you did a great job." She said in a bitter tone.
"Why don't you drop this talk nice, but stare at me cold act, Julia. I said I was sorry."
"Sorry is all I ever hear from you Sean." Julia held her drink by her neck, looking away from Sean at the wall.
"I just..."
"What were you thinking, Sean? I'd just forget about Olivia and then you and me would go live happily ever after?" Julia interupted.
"No, it wasn't that, I'm sorry, I just... I just wanted to feel like I had a moment's happiness. I wanted you to feel like you had someone, that you weren't alone. It wasn't fraudulent, but... I know that I made mistakes as a husband. I can never go back and redo them. I wanted you to believe you had a good husband, if only for awhile."
"I wasn't always there for you either Sean, but I'm happy with Olivia. I love Olivia, I wish you and Christian could be happy for me."
Sean wanted to tell her how he really felt. It was her same old bullshit. 'If you're so damn happy with Olivia, why did you seek out Christian?' Julia failed to realize that everytime she forced Sean to stand in his truth she avoided standing in her own. Sean knew he was at fault for a ton of shit that had foiled and tarnished their fairytale marriage, but at least he admitted it. Julia refused to face the fact that she had a hand in its destruction as well as he did.
"I know, it's okay, Julia. You're happy with Olivia. I see that. I respect it... You know, that Olivia's one lucky woman, having someone as loving and caring as you to love her. I just hope she never looses sight of that." Sean smiled, Julia returned it, even if it was half-hearted. "I feel sorry for Olivia anyway, that whole mess with Eden."
"Another mess you caused." Julia said taking a sip of her drink.
"Me?" Sean shot her a confused look, though he knew what she meant.
"Um huh?" Julia nodded, staring dead at Sean.
"My fault, Julia? Okay, fine... this whole goddamn thing can be blamed on me. I let Eden seduce me, Julia. Wake up! I'm sick of feeling sorry for it, I'm tired of apologizing. I screwed up! Are you happy now? I just want to move on, forget about it."
"Well, move on. It's you, not me, that keeps trying to put this relationship back together." Julia snapped back.
"Then why did you sleep with Christian?" The words came out before he could contain them. "You've been lusting after him all these years. You never could be happy with me entirely. So you played us off one another all this time because you couldn't make up your mind."
"Stop it, Sean, God... I'm sick of... why does it bother you so damn much? It's not okay if I date or screw someone is it?" Julia lashed out.
"I don't care who you screw Julia, but why did you go after Christian? You know he can't commit." Sean threw it back in her face.
"So, it doesn't bother you if I... are you telling me Christian was off limits?" Julia raised an eyebrow at him.
"He's my best friend." Sean shot back.
"I don't think it's Christian you're jealous of. I think it's me." Julia stated seriously.
"What the hell does that mean." Sean pushed back his jacket and rested his hand on his hip.
"Everytime I screwed up, you pushed me out in the cold. But, everytime Christian screwed up, you forgave him like nothing had ever happened." Julia pointed her finger at Sean as she spoke.
"He's like my brother." Sean snapped.
"Brother, huh? Call it whatever you like, Sean." Julia replied coldly, she sat her drink on the counter.
"You think just because you're gay, I hav--"
"Love isn't about being gay, Sean. I know you're not gay, after twenty goddamn years, I know. And Christian would take a bullet before he'd date another man, remember that."
"I'm taking the kids out Wednesday, after school, I get off early..." Sean replied nonchalantly as he headed for the door, "It's alright Julia, you're over me, I'm over you. We're civilized adults, who can still co-exist and be friends, even after disasterous circumstances." Sean continued, he stopped between the frame.
"Are you talking about me, or Christian?" Julia asked crudely.
"All of us." Sean responded before he turned and left. He didn't know if Julia was being dead serious about her beliefs, or if she was being sarcastic and childish in saying he was in love with Christian. More in love with him, in fact, then he was with her. The sad part was she was right, Julia was always right. He hated lying to her, but what was he going to do? Tell her the truth so she could go share her findings with Christian? Julia was right again, Christian would take a bullet before he'd date another man. That thought made the lunch he had just shared with his kids rise up to his throat.
--
Sean walked into the condo and threw his coat over the back of the sofa. Christian was busy on the floor, making baby noises, and playing with Wilbur, enjoying father-son quality time. Sean watched him, letting himself smile. Christian was cold-hearted at times, but at times like this, he seemed capable of human emotion.
Christian lifted Wibur up and blew kisses on his tummy before he put him back down to his toys. Sean had sat on the couch.
"Everything okay with Julia?" Christian asked noticing his partner's lethargic demanor.
"Fine." It seemed to be the only word Sean knew these days, 'fine'.
"You sure? You look like she just told you you could never see your kids again. She didn't did she?" Christian asked getting a drink.
"No, lucky for me."
"You want anything?" Christian offered, "While I'm up."
"No, I don't need anything." Sean continued to watch Wilbur, thinking of his own kids, thinking of his own life. What was he thinking? Wanting to have something with Christian? He had a business and kids to think about. What would they think of him? Aside from that, if he spilled his heart to Christian, what would he think of him?
Sean felt the couch sink down as Christian sat beside him. Sean didn't bother to look at him, or acknowledge his presence. He was too lost in his own problems to care.

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There you have it. I even got in some interaction from other characters, how bout that? I'm still not done, hope no one runs off-- review, please :)