The Enigma of the Mind

Spock lay in his quarters staring up at the blank, plain ceiling. The logic in his body kept him calm and collected but on the inside his human emotions were tumultuous eating away at him, causing him pain and sorrow for the love he felt has vanished. Spock wasn’t angry at McCoy or Kirk, he was angry at himself, what had he done wrong, what had caused for Kirk to so suddenly seem solace in another man. What even happened? Spock wasn’t sure of the whole story, but for now he did not think it necessary, the act of lovers is self explanatory and utterly complicated; humans procreate, have sex, and make love in order to remain human. Maybe this was not an act of love by his Jim Kirk, but rather expressing a need or a worry. His Jim Kirk. Spock felt a wave of sadness hit him, he felt as if he had just lost the Captain to a rebel force or even death. Spock closed his eyes and began to recite his Mantra. T’hy’la.

Spock could not comprehend how a human had managed to strike such emotion in him, to shake his foundation as much as it did. He did love him, but at this moment Spock was not sure of logical or emotions right now, what he knew was grief and what he felt was real. The pain of the reality he walked in on sung his eyes and made his heart yearn for Jim. What would be the logical thing to do? Spock had to belief in his logic again, maybe there was some degree of logic to human nature, and maybe the pure want for love is logical. Spock decided to go talk to McCoy about this; he needed an honest man’s story from the heart. Kirk was in no mind set to talk coherently without crying softly; McCoy would answer him with his blunt answers as he always did. Spock sat up and stared at the floor. This is what he had to do. Spock walked over to his door and paused before opening it, he needed to feel ready for this. He wanted for everything to have some degree of logic but what he learned most from the Captain was sometimes logic can be flawed as well. Spock pressed onwards to go consult with the doctor, he would be cautious of Spock’s intent, but Spock had learned of the course of his lifetime that anger wouldn’t get him anywhere but father away then what he wanted; Jim Kirk.

McCoy sat in his office in the medical room; he felt a brick on his heart and the weight of a Vulcan’s pains on his shoulders. For once, he truly wished he would have insulted him with words and not his actions. I slept with Kirk. McCoy felt both ashamed and appreciative that the incident had happened, their honesty kept it going, there were no lies, even to Spock the truth was splayed before him. The surgeon had no idea what the next move should be, he had been avoiding Kirk all day not because he was mad or regretful, but because seeing the Captain cry and mop, broke his heart knowing he had taken part in its destruction and redemption. The days went by quickly for McCoy; he had sent Chapel off duty earlier in case Kirk or Spock appeared. I they were surviving. McCoy felt helpless, as if everything he knew was right was now wrong, he felt so sure and safe with Kirk, but knowing that the Vulcan he grew to appreciate was devastated made the doctor actually want to apologize for hours on end. It wasn’t Kirk’s, or his fault, it had just happened. As Kirk said before, when he made love to Spock, it had just happened. No ill will or vicious intent, they loved each other, and in a way, he loved both of them. He respected the two being lovers more than the selfish thought of having Kirk for himself. The doors to the medical office slide open and footsteps could be heard, McCoy felt fear and hope run through his veins in an instance. This is it. He wasn’t sure if it was Kirk or Spock, or who it was, but he knew that either way, he would be explaining himself. The Vulcan walked calmly towards the doctor and stopped, the two made eye contact but said nothing, Spock breathed in and sighed a little, McCoy could see the hurt still in his eyes.

“Spock, I, me stealing your lover would be the last thing I would ever want to do…” McCoy stopped, he didn’t want to come off as being jovial or joking, he wanted to sound serious, let the feelings of his heart out and display them for the Vulcan to see. “Spock, what happened been Jim and I, it just happened, we didn’t plan on it, no revenge tactics, it was an old country doctor mending his old tired heart with the passion of a man.” Spock blinked and remained quiet; McCoy knew he wanted more explanation.

“There was no logic in what we did, there isn’t logic is love, love justifies itself. Kirk said he was in love with you and confused that you could not return the same love, the man was pouring his heart out to me while my own heart ached for his approval. The three of us have been partners for years now, we have grown accustomed to each other, and I became quite fond of Kirk. I was in the darkness saving people, while he was doing the same and getting the credit. I was envious of how skillful he is as a Captain.” McCoy took a deep breath and continued, “I can say I am sorry a thousand times, but that would be illogical, when I say that it was purely for the need of me living I am being truthful. I needed to feel needed Spock; I wanted to feel someone’s warmth, someone there by me, letting me love them.”

“I understand doctor” Spock paused, he didn’t mean to interrupt, he just found it necessary to state his opinion while it was the topic. “Human necessity lies outside of logic in its own realm, it needs no justification, humans are capable of sex and love but sometimes cannot be distinguished. There is no reason for you or Kirk to seek revenge against me; in fact, there is no reason why anyone should be mad. Sad and devastated were the initial responses, but I realized that Jim is in love with me and out of the confusion in his heart and the want to connect with another human being seeking empathy made love with you, doctor, he needed to solidify his ability to please someone, in a way, I think he is afraid of touching me, as if I am a manifested dream of sorts.” Spock paused; he wanted to give McCoy a chance to speak.

“Spock, your logic, by God it actually is relevant! Spock, I think that what we need is to talk with Jim and reassure him that you two need to talk and express yourself beyond the realms of sex and love and transcend into an entirely new category. The love between a man of logic and a man of passion. I understand that what we did wasn’t long term and that is was to be short lived, something that I’ll never forget, I enjoyed it, I needed it, maybe it was what I needed to realize what love is and remind myself that this old heart can still have feelings. I think that all your logic capsized my heart…” McCoy smiled, he was trying to cause Spock to smile, or at least give him that small grin.

“Doctor, there is no need for your witty comments, but I do appreciate things starting down the path of fixing things. I realized that my logic needs to be curbed by emotions sometimes too, the harsh reality of logic is a lonely one, one that I do not wish to follow anymore, I wish to have logic guide me down my path with Jim Kirk.” Spock stopped, he was contemplating everything that was just said, he really was in love with Jim, why else would all of this have hurt so much, for doctor to apologize. McCoy saw the love the shared and the respect he had for them, he was the sleepy surgeon who got through his days on saving lives, mending bones and trying to fix his own heart. And, in a way, his witty comments and penchant for human emotions is what made Spock find amusement and meaning in the day.

“We should go find the Captain, we need to rescue, Jim Kirk for the isolation he fears.” Spock looked upwards towards the ceiling. “Are you going to be able to see Jim again?” Spock held an inquisitive look in his eyes.
“Yes, I still feel guilty, about all of this, that is what happens when you get old, you get morals.” The doctor smiled at this statement, he realized that with or without morals he would still always be the same old Bones. “Maybe we should wait for him to come find us, I don’t think approaching him in the halls would be the best idea, he might pass out or cry, and that would bring too much attention to ourselves.”

“I haven’t seen him since yesterday, I don’t know where he could be” McCoy thought for a moment, maybe I should call him down here, the I closed the sick bay and redirected them to Chapel for now, we have time, plenty of time. “I can page him or try calling his room; maybe I can coax him down here.”

“Doctor, I believe I have one more thing to ask about.” Spock looked at the ground, “neither Jim nor I have ever engaged in sex beyond foreplay, I was going to ask you this several days ago, but, you are the only qualified person on board to really understand the anatomy.” McCoy grinned, he found it amusing that Spock of Vulcan, the knower of everything to be clueless about the body he had. “Spock, you are right, I am the most qualified.” McCoy began to get a devilish grin. “What do you say that for the last time I have sex with Jim, I show you two how to properly engage in anal sex, I am the doctor after all.” McCoy paused he wasn’t sure if this is what Spock was exactly asking for.

“Yes, doctor, that is what I am alluding too, one last chance to get out what you heart has had welled up inside, to express yourself. There will be nothing to fear this time, if it makes you feel less guilty, you can considerate it an educational activity.”

“Spock the last time I gave anyone an educational activity is when I told someone you had pointy ears because you were Satanic” McCoy grinned, “I agree to it then, I find it awkward coming from you Spock, but then again, these past days have been out of the ordinary.” Spock looked over at McCoy with more relaxed eyes, “Thank you Doctor, I think this is the most logical way to end everything over the past few days, and then for Jim and I to begin to learn how to love each other.” McCoy and Spock looked at each other with curiosity and wonder, the two had agreed to engage in sexual acts with Jim Kirk and were not afraid, to both men a Vulcan and a doctor it seemed logical that the way to solve hurt emotions and the confusion was to be exposed and vulnerable in front of the people they trusted the most.

From the doorway came a faint knock and the door slowly slide open, a tearful Kirk appeared at the door holding his sides. He looked as if everything is his life had ceased to exist, and that he was no more, he looked up and Spock and McCoy with bewilderment that the two men were near each other and almost smiling. Kirk felt unsure of what was going on and moved towards them cautiously. His heart was filled with emptiness and the glass shards in his heart were causing him grief; he did not know of the mending that was about to take place and the full of his heart would soon be regained with a simple act of charity and wise words from the lips of his lover. Kirk looked up at each of them, the wise Vulcan and the noble doctor, each their own person and motivations. He knew he loved both of them, but the love he felt for Spock was more real than the love he could ever have with another man. He respected McCoy as the wise best friend; he couldn’t imagine keeping the doctor from finding the love a woman he deserved.

Spock and McCoy exchanged glances, Were they really about to embark a new voyage, of love and discovery. Both men felt a certainty and safeness with Kirk in their presence, Spock and McCoy never could get along as Kirk and Spock did, they had a certain degree of competition. They were motivated to test the other and push them to their limits; this of course was an interesting observation.

“Listen, Bones, Spock, I don’t know what to say about all of this, I am surprised we are all talking and the hostility disappeared, I am not sure of what exactly went on between you to or what words were exchanged but I am glad that we can begin to function as a triumvirate again. I cherish our friendship far too much for it to just fade away without anyone speaking up or defending it.” Kirk paused, he needed to explain himself, he needed to make sense of the situation. He needed temporarily to understand Spock’s logic. “McCoy, you are my friend, a friend whom I trust dearly, I was surprised by what we did, but I am glad it was with you that the experimenting took place, I couldn’t trust anyone more with my physical and emotional states than you, but I know that your heart does not lie with me, but with a woman you have yet to meet. You deserve someone Bones, you have been a doctor for so long I think people forget that there lies a great heart in there.” Silence faded in and the men stood there glancing at one another waiting for another to speak.

“Jim, the doctor and I discussed the start of our relationship and how we are both new to this, we are inexperienced, I think we all are. But, I think the only logical way to an illogical situation is for emotions to be settled before action can take place. I was upset earlier thinking that my inability to please you right was the because of this, I did not know the doctor needed emotional qualms about his lust for you, but I know now that we need to engage in sex in a safe way, or at least a way that is most pleasing to you Captain.” Spock’s lips curled and formed a familiar devilish glance at the two men. McCoy cracked his neck and looked up at Kirk, “Jim the only way I will be able to look at the three of us again especially you two in a relationship is knowing that you are doing things right and that I have not an ounce of lust for you Jim, I don’t want that guilt. Spock and I decided that we need to be vulnerable in front of one another. As odd as it sounds, I am curious as to how a Vulcan can let go to that degree.” McCoy darted a glance at Spock. Kirk now realized that three men were about to have sex in order for him to be able to make love again. Kirk wasn’t sure how this came about, but knew that it felt right, he wanted to let go of McCoy and to touch Spock again, he wanted the tensions between the men to fall and fade and for the love of a Vulcan and a man to begin and for the respect for the doctor to grow even more.