The Past Returns

Disclaimer: I don't own High Mountain Rangers, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Angst, Out of Character, Disturbing themes, Violence

Rating: FRT

The Past Returns
Chapter 4


Jesse woke the next morning like he usually did, with the sun. Getting dressed, he quietly walked to Cody's room to check on the boys. Pushing open the door, he was surprised to see only Matt sleeping in the room. Wondering where Cody was so early in the day, he went in search of him. It didn't take him long to find the boy. Standing at the entrance to the living room, he watched Cody sitting on the couch, absently petting Ding as he stared into the flames of the fireplace. "You're up early son," he casually commented as he stepped into the room. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," he apologized.

"It's okay, didn't hear you come in," Cody explained away his jumpiness.

Jesse sat down on the other side of Ding, "Want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Whatever's got you up so early in the morning. You don't usually wake up until you smell breakfast cooking."

For several minutes Cody stared into the fire, silently debating with himself on how to respond. "Had a bad dream," he finally admitted.

"Couldn't get back to sleep?"

"No sir, so I got up and took a shower."

"What was the dream about?"

"I'm not sure," Cody hedged. The truth was he remembered every moment of the dream, or was it a memory, but he didn't know if he was ready to tell his dad about it.

"Cody, son, if you don't tell me what's bothering you I can't help you," Jesse calmly pointed out.

"I don't remember," Cody snapped.

"Cody."

"Sorry," Cody mumbled. "Didn't mean to snap."

"I know this is all getting to you son, it's getting to me too, but snapping at people isn't going to help."

"I know, I'm not sure where that came from. I really am sorry," he apologized again. He'd never in his life spoken like that to his father. In Cody's eyes his dad was a hero, the greatest man alive and he deserved all the love and respect he could give him. He couldn't believe he had snapped at him like that, especially when he was only trying to help. That was more than his mom or Matt had ever done. Startled by that thought, he didn't hear anything else his dad said. The echo of it kept running through his mind as he asked himself where it had come from. As startling as the thought had been, he was nearly as shaken by the feeling of bitterness that accompanied it.

Jesse had stopped talking after a minute when he realized Cody wasn't listening. He tried to get the boy's attention a couple of times, with no success. Reaching across the couch, he shook his son's shoulder, "Cody, you with me boy?"

"Huh? Sorry Dad, guess I zoned out for a minute. What were you saying?"

"I said I know you're sorry and I think getting snappish is probably normal after all that's happened in the last week."

"That doesn't excuse it, you don't deserve to be treated like that."

"No it doesn't, but it does make it understandable." Raising his hand, he ruffled the boy's hair. "Don't you worry about it son, if I can survive a Marine corps drill instructor I think I can handle a 15 year old snapping at me." That brought a chuckle from him, just as Jesse had been hoped for. "Want to make it up to me?"

"What can I do?" Cody asked, eager to make amends.

"Go wake your brother up for breakfast."

"Aww come on Dad, anything but that," he teased.

"You can handle it son, I've got faith in you," Jesse grinned, his eyes twinkling with suppressed laughter.

"Ought to get combat pay for this," Cody grumbled. Pushing himself to his feet, he climbed the stairs to his bedroom and went inside. "Matt...hey Matt, time to get up," he called. The only response he got was muffled by the pillow his brother's face was currently buried in. Grinning, he stepped over to his own bed and picked up the pillow from it. Standing between the beds, he tossed the pillow back and forth in his hands, "Should I or shouldn't I? I should," he decided, whapping his brother in the head with the soft bundle. Quickly he tossed it onto his bed and began to straighten the covers, doing his best to look innocent.

Matt jerked awake, blinking in the morning light, he wondered what had hit him. His eyes narrowed suspiciously as his gaze landed on his brother. Sitting up, he grabbed his pillow and whapped Cody in the back with it.

"Hey! What did ya do that for?" Cody demanded indignantly.

"Payback little brother, payback."

"Payback for what?"

"You go try that innocent act on somebody that doesn't know you Toad," Matt smirked. "I know you hit me with your pillow."

"You're dreaming Matt, I was just making my bed," Cody denied the accusation. "and it's Ace," he added.

"Sure you were Toad, so why did you wake me up?"

"Time for breakfast," Cody answered without thinking.

"See I knew you were the one that woke me up."

Cody ducked his head, realizing that he'd just unintentionally admitted his guilt.

"Why didn't you just say my name?"

You're kidding right? That never works Matt, but I did try."

"Sure it does, I'm easy to wake up."

Cody laughed, "Maybe if there's an earthquake."

"You ask the rangers, I never have any trouble getting up," Matt sincerly pointed out.

"That's work, it's different."

"Same here."

"Afraid not big brother," Cody smirked as he straightened from making his bed. "A guy should get combat pay for waking you up," he added, quickly making his escape before Matt could decide to use his pillow again. Chuckling he made his way down the stairs, joining his dad in the kitchen, "He's up."

"Thanks son, pancakes are almost done. Could you set the table?"

"Sure thing dad."

From the corner of his eye Jesse watched his son. He was relieved that the boy seemed to be in a better mood, he prayed it would last. However, after the experiences of the past week, Jesse feared that his prayer was useless. He set the platter of pancakes on the table just as Matt stepped into the room. Grabbing the plate of bacon from the back of the stove he added it to the table and sat down. Bowing his head he said a short prayer. A grin spread across his face when he looked up just in time to see both boys grabbing the bacon. "You could at least wait for the amen," he teased.

"We did," Cody grinned. "We just move fast."

"Uh-huh," Jesse nodded. "Well why don't you just move that plate my way," he playfully ordered.

"Sorry dad, survival of the fittest, isn't that what you've always taught me?" Cody asked, snagging several pieces of bacon for himself.

"Taught you respect for your elders too," Jesse grumbled.

"You taught us to look out for our elders too," Matt chimed in. "Which is why we can't let you have any bacon, a man your age has to be careful," winking at his brother as he spoke.

"You're gonna see what a man my age can do if you don't hand over that bacon boy," Jesse threatened.

"I don't know...what do you think Cody? Should we let him have some bacon?"

"Hmmm, well a man his age should be careful, but then again he doesn't have a lot of time left, I guess we should let him enjoy what he has." Cody fought to keep the grin off his face, enjoying the light-hearted teasing.

Jesse shot him a mock glare, "You just wait boy, you'll pay for that."

Cody froze, the pancakes he'd been transferring to his plate suspended from his fork.

"Cody? Son are you okay?" Sharing a concerned glance with Matt, he stood up and moved behind Cody's chair. "Cody, talk to me boy," he tried again, laying his hand on Cody's shoulder.

Cody jerked in his seat, a whimper of fear escaping from him. "No, don't," he mumbled.

"Don't what Cody?" Matt asked, watching his brother, his green eyes filled with concern.

"Matt?" Cody looked across the table at his brother, confusion clearly written on his face.

"Are you okay now son?" Jesse asked, taking a step away.

"Dad?" Cody looked up at him. "When did you get up? What happened?"

"I'm not sure Cody, you just suddenly froze up."

"Froze up? But why?"

"I was hoping you could tell me." Jesse moved back to his seat. Recognizing that Cody, right now, was like a frightened animal he hoped that by giving him some space he'd be able to remember something. "You jerked when I put my hand on your shoulder and you said no, don't. Do you have any idea why you'd say that?"

Cody stared at his dad incomprehensibly, what his father was describing didn't make any sense. However he knew his dad would never lie to him about something like this, if only he could figure out why it had happened. When it came to him, he felt sick.

Jesse watched him as the blood drained from his face, making him look ill. "What is it son?" he quietly asked.

"May I be excused?"

"Aren't you going to eat?"

"I don't feel very good," he answered, keeping his eyes on his plate.

Jesse sighed, "You're excused, I'll put you're plate in the warming drawer in case you get hungry later."

"Thanks dad." Pushing away from the table, Cody quickly left the room.

"You have any idea what that was about?" Matt asked his dad.

Jesse shook his head, "I wish I did. Did he say anything to you last night?"

"No, just that he didn't want to talk. He did say maybe he would today," Matt mused. "You think I should go talk to him?" he asked, already rising to his feet.

"Sit down boy," Jesse ordered.

"He's obviously upset dad, one of us should talk to him," Matt argued.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't, but eat first. You may need the energy and it'll give Cody a chance to pull himself together," he added when Matt opened his mouth to argue.

Reluctantly Matt sat back down, a mumbled "yes sir," shot his father's way as he picked up his fork. "I'm really worried about him dad."

"So am I son."

Cody stood in the barn, brushing his horse's coat. The action worked to calm his frazzled nerves, a little bit at least. He knew at some point his dad or brother would come looking for him. Whichever one came to the barn, he would want answers, of that Cody was certain. The problem was he didn't have any answers he was comfortable giving. Since he'd awakened last night from the nightmare, memories had been coming back to him in flashes. He wasn't sure what had happened in the kitchen, but he knew that for a few minutes he hadn't been in the room with his dad and brother. Cody had no idea what had triggered the memory, but he knew it had taken him to a place that scared him, a time and place he didn't want to remember. When the memories had started coming to the surface, he had tried, was still trying, to push them back into the corner of his mind they'd been hidden in. Buried so deep he didn't even remember them or when he'd shoved them into the recesses of his mind. "Why couldn't they have stayed where they were?"

"Why couldn't what have stayed where they were?" Matt asked, stepping up to the horse and scratching his nose.

"His mane, the hairs won't stay in place," he motioned to his horse.

"Cody, please don't lie to me. You can tell me to get lost, or that it's none of my business, but don't lie."

Cody sighed, resting his forehead against the stallion's flank. "It's none of your business."

"You're my little brother and something is hurting you, that makes it my business," Matt countered.

"Didn't think that would really work," Cody mumbled.

"So, talk to me Toad."

"It's Ace," he automatically corrected.

"Cody," Matt crossed his arms over his chest, silently telling his brother he wasn't going anywhere.

"What do ya want to talk about?"

"You're going to insist on playing dumb, aren't you?"

"I'm not psychic Matt."

"No you're not, but I think you know what I want to talk about. I'll play along though, let's talk about these panic attacks you've been having. What's causing that?"

"Doctor said it could be ptsd."

"I know that, but that doesn't really answer my question."

"It started last week, I didn't know why. Dad took me to see the doctor, but he doesn't know why either."

"You know why now, don't you?" Matt calmly asked.

"Why do you say that?"

"I didn't you did."

"No I didn't."

"Just now, you said you didn't know why, past tense. That makes me think you know why now."

Cody's entire body tensed up, tossing the curry comb to the side he moved out of the stall. As he tried to shoulder his way past Matt, his brother moved to block his path. "Move out of my way Matt," he ordered.

"No." He tightened his hold on Cody's shoulders as the younger boy struggled to break free.

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to know what's wrong?"

"Why?" Cody asked suspiciously.

"Why?" Matt was surprised by the question. "You're my little brother, I want to help you."

"You didn't then," Cody accused. "You didn't want to be around me!"

"What are you talking about Cody? I've never treated you like that."

"You left me and I got.... Let me go," he ordered again. Twisting his body to the side, he successfully broke Matt's hold, rushing past him. He was nearly to the door when Matt's words stopped him in his tracks.

"I love you Cody, please let me help you."

Cody fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around his chest he waited. He wasn't disappointed, a moment after he fell to the ground, Matt joined him.

Hesitantly Matt laid his arm over Cody's shoulders. He felt his brother tense beneath his touch, but at least he didn't pull away from him. "What happened Cody?"

"I can't tell you," came the whispered reply.

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid."

"Of what?" Matt gently asked.

"You leaving me again."

"Cody you know why I went to live with Mom..."

Cody shook his head.

"I thought we were past this."

"You left and I got...hurt," the last word came out as a whisper.

"What do you mean you got hurt? You mean it hurt your feelings, right?" God he hoped that was what Cody meant. He couldn't mean what it sounded like he did, please God not that.

"I was bad," Cody hung his head. He didn't remember every time, but he remembered enough. He could hear that voice telling him he'd been bad and that he had to pay. Then the pain would come, but he couldn't yell or he'd be in more trouble. He was horrified by what he was remembering as well as terrified, some instinct warning him this was only the beginning.

Jesse stood in the yard, just outside the open barn door. His eyes filled with anger as he listened to his sons talking, he couldn't hear everything, but what he did hear made him want to inflict some hurt of his own.

A noise, somewhere between a strangled cry and a howl of rage brought Matt's head up. Staring into his father's angry eyes, he jumped to the only conclusion he could. Letting go of Cody he jumped to his feet, rushing the older man and bringing him to the ground. "You son of a bitch! How could you do that to him?" Matt yelled, using his fist to puncuate his questions.

When Matt pulled away, Cody had the confirmation he'd feared. He had been bad, he had deserved what had happened and now Matt would leave again. He'd never want anything to do with him, no more...his head snapped up as his brother's angry yell reached him. Eyes wide with shock, he realized with growing horror the trouble he'd caused. Pushing himself to his feet he rushed forward, knocking Matt off their father.

"Cody what are you doing? Let me go," Matt struggled to get out from under the boy without hurting him. "He deserves what he's getting and worse, don't protect..."

"It wasn't him Matt," Cody interrupted, ending his tirade. "It wasn't dad," he repeated.

"Then who was it? Who hurt you Cody?"

Cody looked away then, he knew Matt wouldn't like his answer. Standing up, he offered a helping hand to his brother, pulling him to his feet. Turning away, he walked over to his dad, relieved to see him on his feet as well. "Are you okay dad?"

"I'm fine son," Jesse assured him. "What about you?"

"I think I know why I've been having panic attacks," he softly replied.

"Somebody hurt you?"

Cody nodded.

"Who was it son?"

"I'm not sure."

"What do you mean you're not sure?" Matt asked.

"I don't remember that part yet, I can't see a face. I just hear a voice, telling me I was bad..." Cody trailed off, his voice thick with unshed tears.

"Then how do you know it wasn't dad?"

"Do you want it to be him?"

"Of course not Cody, but you said it happened after I left. You sounded like you thought it was my fault, what else am I supposed to think?"

"I know dad's voice, it wasn't him. Besides, that isn't the only time you left me behind." Giving his brother a meaningful stare, he turned and walked back into the house, neither confirming or denying that he held Matt responsible for what had happened to him.

TBC

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