Past, Present and Future

When Cassidy stood from the table Simon’s Doctors instinct kicked in. No one else seemed to notice or they were too lost in their thoughts but she was definitely in pain. If it wasn’t for his trained eye he knew he would have never noticed. She was favoring her body slightly and he almost jumped up to help her out of the chair if she didn’t do it so quickly herself. Did he just imagine it? No, she was definitely stiff he noticed as she walked away from them all. He knew that she was trying to hide it so made a point to talk to her in private and see if there was anything he could do.

“She’s torn and bleeding, hurting inside and out” River whispered so only Simon and Mal could hear. Mal flashed a look to Simon and he nodded confirming it and told the captain that he would look into it. While he wasn’t best friends with her husband she didn’t seem like the bad sort and even if she was he wouldn’t leave her to suffer without some help.

Within minutes Wash, Zoe, Mal, Inara and Kaylee were the only ones left in the kitchen and were oddly silent.

“Wow” Wash muttered to himself, “can I just say wow?”

“Honey…”

“No I mean here’s another beautiful woman on our ship saying all sensible like that she is married to someone on the crew and this time its Jayne, am I the only one all shook up over this? And her story…”

“Now that’s the part that has me all shook up inside, she only gave us the barest of details but as much as she felt necessary to help us track down her son. In truth I was watching Jaynes face tell the story as much as listen to her words and if I can read that man like I think I can we just bought ourselves a lot more trouble than I first feared.”

“Regardless Mal could you have made her feel any less welcome?” Inara interjected.

“Oh don’t go blaming me, she was all sorts of happy to find me, it was Jayne that caused her upset.”

“Have we thought about maybe that’s a problem in itself? I mean Jaynes not really a gentle man maybe she’s afraid of him…” Simon was just going over the possibilities in his head of how she would have gotten hurt and the idea that Jayne had something to do with causing her discomfort was unsetting.

“Now Doc I know we all have our grievances with Jayne but do you really think he would hurt his wife?”

“No way!” Kaylee couldn’t believe what she was hearing, “you saw as well as me that she didn’t let him push her around and anyways no ones saying they didn’t want to see each other…maybe it was something else.”

“Jaynes not one to hurt someone like that, I’m not saying he’s the best of sorts but he’s better than that. Regardless, what do we plan to do about it Captain?” Zoe wondered aloud.

“We aren’t going to do anything about that, instead, if it’s all the same to you we’re going to turn our sights to Destiny and talk to our contacts there to try and find out what we can about this boy. Someone remind me to tell her that a picture would help.”

“Captain, I told you that they were the ones in the picture we found under Jaynes mattress.” Kaylee—trying to be helpful added.

“What were you guys doing looking under Jaynes mattress?” Wash asked.

“He has a picture of them?” Inara smiled at the possibilities.

“Yes,” Mal said exasperated at his crew circling the subject, “but that isn’t what’s important, we need a more recent picture if possible Kaylee. Wash I need you to send out the bait and let me know if anyone bites…maybe we can get some information. Inara, if you want to be left somewhere while we take off, I know Destiny isn’t your type of business stop.”

“I will go with you, even though I won’t be any help with the actual job I want to be able to see this through and maybe help where I can. It’s horrible to imagine how worried she must be over him.” As Inara spoke she stood to leave. They all had things to do and it was late.

“Well get that message sent Wash and then maybe we should all turn in.” Mal said as he walked through the door.

Later that night, Book, in his musings, had almost literally stumbled across their new passenger and he was trying his best to figure out a nice way to sooth her troubled spirit.

“I cleaned out a room for you, I’m sorry if I made an incorrect assumption that you and your husband will not be sharing a bed but I made one available just the same.” It was the Sheppard Cassidy had met in the kitchen area.

“I appreciate that Sheppard, your assumption was correct” Cassidy tried to smile up at the kind man but her smile broke too early for it to pass as sincere.

“Call me Book please.” He said in a soft voice as he moved closer, almost as if he was talking to a skittish cat. “I do not know the specifics of your relationship, but I have known Jayne for awhile now and in truth I thought that we were something of friends…for him not to mention you in all the times we were together…”

Cassidy had a bitter laugh before she made space for him to sit beside her, “We aren’t your standard happy married couple are we?”

As he sat beside her he wondered how many questions would be considered prying, “I know that it was a marriage of convenience but it does seem like you two do have more of a history than that.”

“His family was very close to mine…in truth Sheppard when I was younger I had a bit of a crush on him and marriage wasn’t the worst thing I could imagine….but then, of course, things changed.”

“I don’t mean to pry Cassidy but…well you’re an attractive couple and well maybe I’m just a hopeless optimist but its obvious you care about one another, maybe, in time you can”

“I hate to interrupt, but I fear you are grasping straws. The reality is that we married in a desperate situation and if everything had gone well…who knows what might have happened. But things didn’t go well, things didn’t even start well, and if I didn’t pick this crew I would have never seen Jayne again, and maybe it would have been better that way.” During the course of Cassidy’s speech she had stared off as if lost in times long ago.

“It is my experience that very few things happen by accident my dear. You picked this crew out of the virtual limitless amount of people that would have taken the job for less money, could that be a sign?”

Cassidy stood and turned to Book, “I sincerely hope not, can you show me to my room? I’m exhausted.”

The walk to the room was silent, Book had cleaned out the empty next to Jayne sensing that she might find comfort being close to someone she knew. He left her unable to resist one final comment, “I don’t know your history but I cannot ignore what I see and I cannot resist trying to help.”

As Book shut the door behind him Cassidy was left to memories. Help…..well she needed lots of that Sheppard and you’re welcome to try, but good luck because it will be near impossible. She laid there on the bed and closed her eyes lost in memories.

Their history was a complicated one and it had started years ago.

Jayne Cobb was a family friend…can one still be a family friend when the family no longer exists? She knew him for as long as she can remember. Her brother worked in some risky enterprises and she was always grateful that Jayne was always around to get his back. Sometimes Jayne would disappear for years at a time but she knew that he would get Bryant home alive. Jayne was a presence she didn’t really understand until she was sixteen and she stood at the window in their home studying a dust cloud growing in the distance. She hadn’t seen Bryant in over two years, thank god for the letters letting them know he was alive. It was even longer that she hadn’t seen Jayne, he had family to look after but his presence was felt nonetheless.

She jerked up when the dust revealed two figures on horseback at full gallop. Please, please she was desperate for news, they were having a hard time of it and the Cobbs weren’t much better. Mattie was on the edge and she wouldn’t make it if they took much longer. As the figures approached the grip on her heart tightened and she ran out the door the second recognition hit. Her skirts were cumbersome but they couldn’t slow her, nothing could.

Bryant turned to Jayne and his smile couldn’t be larger, “Cass is going to be running out of that door any second now.”

Jayne couldn’t hear Bryant over the thundering of the horses but he smiled back at his friend, he was grateful to be home. As they approached the house the door banged open and a young woman came running out. Her long hair was flying out behind her and her skirts were pulled up as she ran giving them a healthy view of her legs. They slowed their horses before they would accidentally run the woman over. She was only a few yards from them when she finally slowed and Bryant leaped off his horse and grabbed her for a fierce hug.

Jayne was confused to say the least, who was this woman? Bryant hadn’t mentioned that he was seeing anyone and this girl was sparking some recognition, he searched his memories as he slid down the saddle. Then she looked straight at him and smiled. Cassidy…lord above the last time he saw her, well he couldn’t remember the last time he had been this close to her. When had she…

“Jayne, hug my sister will yah? Its been awhile hasn’t it?” Bryant was a welcome intrusion to his thoughts but ‘awhile’ was an understatement. He reached for her and hugged her if only to put a stop to his thoughts. Then again the feel of her against him was just as dangerous.

Cassidy didn’t remember when he had become this handsome. No, Cassidy, bad thoughts. He is your brothers best friend and thinks of you as a sister and he’s seven years older than you and your brother would kill you both, and lord did he need a shave….but she hoped he didn’t go through with it. Her head fit nicely under his chin and…

“Ok Cass, let the guy go before he learns to like it,” thank god for Bryant.

That was the last visit she saw them together. It was the last time she remembered feeling that happy and carefree. It would be almost a year later when they would come home in much the same way but desperate for the lives of their families.

That was a memory he tried to hold onto. Jayne was walking the gangplanks lost in the same thoughts. Cassidy was so young, so happy and carefree. She was there when her family was murdered, she had endured so much at the hands of his enemy and the one thing she had to hold onto, their son had been taken from them and he would die before giving up on getting him back.

“Torn up inside” River called up to him from below, “not your fault but you think it is, you can be a scary man, but not like that.”

“Stay outta my head crazy girl” he yelled down to her. He could barely stand her on the good days but today he had no patience and decided to leave her to her crazy talk and retire to his room.

Once back in his room he tried to shake the weight on his shoulder…maybe a shower. He felt the water cascading down his back as if it was a dream. In all honesty he only felt one thing and it was the mind numbing pain in his chest that was coming close to overwhelming him. “Bryant, I never meant for this to happen” he leaned his back against the wall and closed his eyes, “forgive me brother” he whispered to himself. If the ship wasn’t already short on water he would have spent the night there lost in memories and regrets, but he had things to do now and a goal, he almost couldn’t remember the sensation. Evan was lost in the verse and god only knew what was happening to the boy he considered a son. He stepped out the shower no less confused than when he entered. He had failed in the one thing he considered absolute. He didn’t protect her. It was a foreign feeling, he knew he wasn’t a ‘good guy’ but he had never felt so empty inside and he had never felt so completely useless before with someone he cared so much about. Here he was gallivanting across the verse while she was battling demons and fighting for her life. “Why didn’t you contact me Cass?” he asked aloud alone in his room. He would have fought hell and high water to get to her and help….but she didn’t trust him enough to ask for help and instead fought by herself. Gorram it she was there when he promised to protect her! He fell back against the bed knowing the fault wasn’t with her, but with him, “I failed” he murmured as he punched the wall next to him.

She had woken from a familiar nightmare and was silently trembling next door when she heard the sound of his fist hitting the wall. It was a familiar sound, Jayne had a temper for sure and when he had nothing to hit the wall served just fine. She despaired that once again she was the cause of his anger. Tears threatened to stream down her checks but she had cried enough and it wasn’t helping. The night had surfaced far too many memories yet strangely enough she wasn’t crying over them, it was the fact that she had endangered Jayne and this crew beyond what they thought, they could die for her mistakes.

More than anything, she didn’t want to depend on anyone elses strength but she had forgotten how strong Jaynes presence was, it surrounded her. She sat on the bed and reached across and pressed her palm against the wall where she heard the sound and selfishly for the first time in a long time she remembered and took comfort in what it was like to feel any measure of being safe.