a holiday for the brokenhearted

Mark Sloane came home to find his son leaning against the railings of the deck, a bottle of half drunk beer in his hand, something he often did when he was upset or confused about a case. Stepping outside, Mark made his way over to join him.

"I take it things didn't go quite the way you'd planned with Jesse?"

Steve sighed, not taking his eyes off the sea as though he expected it to suddenly wash up the answer to all his problems.

"I don't know what to do." He finally admitted. "I thought that maybe we could still be friends, and he wants that too but I don't think it's going to work."

"Why not?"

"Everything I say manages to hurt him and he's not taking care of himself. Maybe if we didn't see each other then he could get over it and move on."

"I hate to say it but I don't think that would help, if anything it'll make him worse because he'll think you're rejecting his friendship because of his sexuality."

Steve threw himself down into a chair and dropped his head into his hands. "Then what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm losing my best friend and I'm just letting it happen because I have no idea how to stop it. Come on dad, you always know what to do, help me."

Sitting down opposite him, Mark took a moment to marvel at the man Steve had become. He remembered sitting down with him and giving him advice as a child, as a teenager and all the way through his training to be an officer. He was proud of the person Steve was and everything he'd worked so hard to achieve but he knew his son could be a little blind when it came to love.

"Steve, the only advice I can give you is to watch."

"Watch? Watch what? I need help here dad, not riddles."

"I am helping you. Watch him and pay attention to details. Not as your friend but as someone new, someone you need to get to know. Trust me, you might notice something useful."

Smiling to himself, Mark left Steve to think it over. He was a smart boy, he'd work it out eventually.

*********************************

The next day, the hospital was quite busy due to a pile up caused by a drunk driver and it was nearly 3pm by the time Mark and Jesse finally sat down in the doctors lounge for a break. Just as they'd grabbed a coffee though, they were both paged back to the ER. They both headed straight down there only to be greeted by a tearful Amanda.

"Thank god you're here, it's Steve, he's been shot."

"Where is he? How bad is it? Is he going to be ok?" Eyes wide with fear, Mark and Jesse began to talk over each other, both desperate to find out any news.

"I don't know much." Amanda interupted them. "But he's in surgery now so all we can do is wait."

They all quickly found people to finish off their rounds so they could be there for Steve. Thankfully, because of the family feel that Community General had and the fact that both Mark and Steve were both well liked around the hospital, it wasn't difficult to find people to help.

Sitting around to see if Steve was going to be ok was one of the hardest things Mark had ever done and he found complete empathy for all the people that walked through the hospital doors and had to do the same thing. Every tick of the clock made him flinch and every doctor walking by made his heart lurch, terrified that he was going to look up into a professional yet sympathetic face telling him that he was never going to see his son again.

The agonizing wait felt like hours but finally Doctor Marsdon approached them and all three waited nervously for him to speak.

"I thought you might like to know that Steve will be fine. The bullet missed any major arteries and the operation was a success. We're moving him up to a private room as we speak but he's still unconcious from the anesthesia so you'll be able to see him in about an hour. If he wakes up any sooner we'll page you and let you know."

He gave them a last, reassuring smile before heading off to check on his patient.

Mark slumped back into his seat, not quite able to take it in. He was going to be ok, his son was still alive. Suddenly it all hit him and he felt tears of relief start to slide down his face. A quick glance to the chairs next to him showed him that Amanda and Jesse were in the same situation.

"Look at us." He choked out round the lump in his throat. "You'd think it was bad news with all of us sitting here crying. Come on, we can't see him for another hour at least and I don't know about you but I need a coffee."

"I think I need something stronger." Jesse muttered. "But a coffee will do."

Even though they knew Steve was going to be ok, waiting for him to come round from the anesthesia seemed to take forever and by the time they were finally told they could go and see him, they were so impatient they probably would have gone anyway.

They piled into his room trying to act normally as they knew how much Steve hated being hurt and appearing weak. Since he'd only just woken up and was still pretty groggy from the operation and the strong painkillers he was going to have to take for a while, Amanda and Mark moved close to the side of his bed so that he wouldn't have to try and lift his head to see them.

Jesse on the other hand, hovered by the door. A few weeks ago he'd have been right there with them but now things were different and even though him and Steve were working on their friendship, he wasn't sure if he'd be welcome. He focused on the scene in front of him, a happy family of hugs and smiles of relief, and he felt a pang of sadness. He'd never had that with his real family and now the closest thing he had to one was slowly being taken away from him too. Quietly, so he didn't disturb them, he opened the door and let himself out.

Since his shifts were covered for the rest of the day, he decided to go home so, instead of heading down to the wards, he went to the locker room to change his clothes and grab his bag. It took a while to make his way through the hospital as everyone kept stopping him to ask how Steve was doing, mostly young female nurses, Jesse noticed with quite a bit of jealousy. He'd almost made it out of the building when someone grabbed his arm and he turned to find Mark there.

"Where are you going Jesse? Don't you want to see Steve?"

For a moment, Jesse thought about lying but realised with Mark he'd never get away with it.

"I was going home." He sighed. "I didn't think he'd want me there."

"Well then, maybe you should have hung around long enough to hear him ask for you then." Mark smiled, taking Jesse's bag. "Let's leave this behind the reception desk and go back and see the patient shall we?"

"He really asked for me?"

"He really asked for you." Mark confirmed. "So, are you coming?"

"Yeah I'm coming." Jesse followed his mentor back to Steve's room, trying to bite back the pleased grin on his face.

"Found him." Mark exclaimed cheerfully as they entered the room. "He was just getting changed so he'd be more comfortable sitting around here with you."

Jesse's eyes widened at Mark's blatant lie but he didn't bother to contradict him.

"That's actually a good idea." Amanda said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't mind putting on some more comfortable clothes if we're not working anymore today.

"Me too. You two will be ok while we get changed, right?"

"Yeah we'll be fine." They both replied although, even to their own ears, it didn't sound completely convincing.

An awkward silence decended once they were alone. Despite being a big guy, laying in a hospital bed, barely awake and tucked firmly under the scratchy, uncomfortable sheets, Steve looked very young and very small and Jesse was finding it a little hard to see him like that.

"I'm glad you're ok." He said finally. "We were all really worried. I've never seen Mark cry like that before."

"M'sorry." Steve slurred sleepily. "Didn't mean'ta upset everyone."

"Hey, it's not your fault, we don't blame you. We blame the bastard that shot you."

Steve flinched in surprise, not used to hearing Jesse swear.

"You said a bad word." He chided and Jesse burst out laughing.

"And you sound like a little girl with a surprisingly masculine voice. What are you gonna do, tell on me?!"

Steve grinned tiredly. "Yup. Just wait till my dad gets back, then you'll be in trouble."

"Alright big guy, you can tell on me all you like later but right now you need to get some rest, you're starting to fall asleep on me."

"Ok but I gotta tell you something first."

"What?"

"It's a secret, gotta whisper it to ya."

Slightly amused by this new, child like version of Steve, Jesse made a big production of leaning closer so Steve could divulge his 'secret'.

"Ok, what is it?" He stage whispered, trying not to laugh as Steve quickly scanned the room as though he were looking for spies or something.

All humour disappeared though when Steve's gorgeous blue eyes locked onto his and he said the words he'd been dreaming about since he met him.

"Love you." He leaned up to place a chaste kiss on Jesse's lips then laid back down again, exhausted by the effort of moving.

Not sure if his heart was trying to leap out of his chest because of the kiss or break into pieces because he knew Steve probably wouldn't remember it once the medication wore off, it took Jesse a while to focus. Unfortunately, by the time he'd pulled himself together enough to talk, Steve had fallen asleep.

Slightly dazed, Jesse slipped quietly out of the room and headed back towards the nurses staion to reclaim his bag when he bumped into Amanda and Mark half way there.

"Hey, he's just dozed off so I thought it was best to leave him to sleep."

"Good idea, he's going to need his rest.You have some holiday left don't you Jesse?" Mark asked suddenly.

"Yeah, I haven't taken any yet."

"Good. I was wondering if you'd mind using some of it up to do me a favour."

"Of course." Jesse agreed immediately as he always did when Mark asked anything of him.

"I need you to move into the beach house with Steve for a week."

"What? Mark, I don't think that's a very good idea." Jesse protested.

"You know I wouldn't usually ask you for something like that but I have to go to Portland tomorrow for an important medical conference and I'll be gone the entire week. It's too late to cancel now, they won't be able to get another speaker in time. You know he won't look after himself if he's there on his own."

"Can't Amanda stay with him?" Jesse asked in desperation.

"No Amanda can't." Amanda said sarcastically. "For a start, I have no holiday left and even if I did, do you really expect me to uproot CJ and dump him in a strange house for a week?"

"No." Jesse sighed. "I guess I'll have to do it but I'm pretty sure he's not gonna like the idea of being stuck in a house alone with me for an entire week."

"I'm sure he'll be fine about it, especially when he realises it's the only way he'll be able to go home tomorrow."

"Are you sure he'll be able to go home? Maybe he should stay in hospital for a few more days just to be safe."

"He will be safe because you'll be with him and he's more likely to heal quicker if he's somewhere he feels comfortable." Mark said patiently.

Jesse nodded his head, finally admitting defeat. This week was going to be hell. Stuck with the man he loved sounded great in theory but when the guy was so uncomfortable around him that it was destroying their friendship, then it became awkward. Not to mention that, if somehow Steve remembered their kiss, he'd probably freak out and avoid him even more.

Jesse sighed again, not noticing Mark and Amanda sharing a conspiratorial grin. When did his life go so wrong?

"Why don't you two go home?" Mark suggested. "He doesn't need all three of us to stay."

"I don't mind staying with you to keep you company." Amanda offered.

"No, it's fine, you go home to CJ, and you better get packing, Jesse. Will you come and pick him up from the hospital tomorrow afternoon?"

"What if I can't get the time off? It's really short notice." Jesse wondered suddenly, internally berating himself for not thinking of it sooner. His hopes were dashed seconds later though.

"Oh, that's ok, I got Doctor Richards to agree to cover for you if you said yes."

"Oh good." Jesse forced out through a fake smile. "I was worried."

"Thank you so much for doing this, Jesse. It makes me feel better about leaving knowing that he's in such good hands."

A fatherly hand was placed on his shoulder and Jesse knew that no matter how he felt, he couldn't let Mark down.

"I'll be here to get him at three." He muttered, and tried his best to return Mark's beaming smile.

******************

Jesse returned to the hospital the next day completely exhausted. He'd been so worried about the upcoming week that he'd only managed to get about two hours sleep the night before. Grabbing a spare wheelchair, he walked to Steve's room as if he was walking to his execution. Knocking once, he pushed open the door fixing a cheery smile onto his face even though he felt anything but happy.

"Hey, how are you feeling? Are you ready to go?"

"Jesse? What are you doing here?"

Jesse's heart plummeted as he took in Steve's surprised expression.

"Didn't Mark tell you I was coming?" He asked even though he knew it was a stupid question as the answer was obvious.

"No. He said that he had to go to a convention or something and he'd be gone a week but he'd got someone to keep an eye on me so I didn't try and go back to work too soon. I figured he meant I'd have to stay in hospital."

"Well there's good news and bad news. The good news is, you can go home today if you like."

"What's the bad news?" Steve knew things could never be simple where his dad was concerned and he wondered what his dad had pressured Jesse into now.

"Uh, the bad news is that if you want to go home, you have to have me living there with you until your dad gets back." Jesse cringed as he said it waiting for the explosion of temper he was waiting for. Surprisingly it never came but the shocked, slightly panicked look Steve was giving him hurt a little if he was honest.

"If you don't want to be stuck with me for that long you can stay here, the bed's free and I know there's loads of nurses round here more than willing to give you some TLC." He'd meant it to sound joking and friendly but somehow the words had turned jealous and bitter as they'd left his mouth.

Steve studied him for a moment like he was working out which would be the safer option before he finally spoke. "Ok, so are we going home then?"

The words made Jesse's heart leap even though he knew it meant nothing. He tried to keep that in mind as he helped Steve out of the bed and into the wheelchair and he was just thankful that Steve hadn't been injured so badly that he needed help getting dressed because he wasn't sure he'd have been able to control himself.

Desperately trying to keep thoughts like that out of his head, Jesse began to babble as they made their way back to the beach house.

"So, the rules are, no going into work, no gym, no surfing, basically no strenuous activity until you're better but if you wanna go out somewhere just let me know and we can go cause I know it'll probably get pretty boring stuck in the house all the time. Although you'll still need a lot of painkillers so you'll probably be asleep a lot of the time. Don't worry I promise I'll be really quiet and I won't wake you."

He finally stopped talking as he noticed Steve staring at him.

"What's wrong?"

"I just can't believe that you're actually nervous around me."

"I'm not nervous." Jesse denied quickly. Why would you think I'm nervous?"

"Because you only start rambling like that when you're nervous."

"Ok, so what if I am?" Jesse asked suddenly. "What do you expect? I'm gonna have to spend a whole week trying to care for someone that doesn't even want me there, of course it makes me a little uncomfortable."

They pulled up to the house as he spoke and he quickly jumped out of the car and unfolded the wheelchair before Steve had a chance to reply.

"I don't need that you know." Steve commented as he slowly pulled himself out of the car. "My legs still work just fine."

"I know, but you're still using the wheelchair whether you like it or not. You don't have to be the tough guy all the time you know, no one's gonna mind if you show a little vulnerability once in a while."

Steve sat down in the wheelchair without anymore complaints, a little stunned at the way the younger man had spoken to him.

"I know this isn't the way you wanted to be spending your vacation time." He said finally. "I'm sorry that dad talked you into it."

"It's ok Steve." Jesse sighed. "It's not your fault."

And as Jesse wheeled him into the house, Steve couldn't help feeling that he wasn't just talking about the coming week.