Loyalty & Betrayal

Almost timidly, he entered her bedroom. Sienna was, indeed, asleep. Moving on autopilot, he tried to avoid waking her, but he was still learning the layout of this room, and forgot until it was too late that Sienna’s bedroom had a creaky floorboard just beside the bed, in exactly the spot where someone weighing over 200 pounds would step on it and wind up waking their partner. Sienna rolled over, mumbling, then sat up as she became more alert and saw that it was him.

“Hey.” She rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. “You were out there a while.”

“I was thinking.”

“Uh-huh”.

So wary, now, he thought. Or maybe not. Wariness implied trying to avoid something. Sienna’s face now had the unflinching determination of someone who had had the worst happen, survived, and now knew for a fact that she could cope with it. The sweet, trusting Sienna he had known was gone for good… I’m rambling, he realised, and marshalled his thoughts.

“What were you thinking about?”

An awkward silence fell. How the hell do I say this?

Sienna‘s voice broke into his thoughts. “Let me tell you a story.”

He obligingly climbed into bed next to her rolled onto his side. Fond memories of the last time that had happened warred with the knowledge that the evening so far made it unlikely that this one was going to begin with “I’m alone in my hotel room, taking off my bra, when suddenly there’s a knock at the door…” Suddenly, she smiled at him softly, and she was his Sienna again, his loving beautiful Sienna. His mate.

“Three years ago, I was sitting in a bar with some friends, including a short blond cop I happened to be very good friends with, when we‘d all met for a quick drink after work. As usually happens when three or more women are gathered together, we started telling tales of the men in our lives. Now, she has this big, smart, slightly weird partner who does his own thing all the time, and apparently, one day he rushed off to confront a man about to kill his own childen with a shotgun, not stopping to put on a vest or anything… he just went in there alone and left her outside, not knowing whether she would ever see him again…”

He squirmed uncomfortably as she continued, “…and suddenly, I had to ask her to stop, because I was feeling ill. I pretended it was because Cosmopolitans don’t mix well with Bud - we’d been to a few bars by then - but actually it was because I realised exactly how she felt, because I would have felt the same. And then I went home that night, and looked at her big, smart, very handsome partner asleep in our bed, and it was then I realised that I’d fallen in love with him.”

She paused and added as an aside. “Maybe I should have figured that out earlier, but we kept having lots of hot sex, and I kept getting distracted. And so, over the next few weeks, I waited for the right time to say it, but the right time never came, until one rainy night the following month, we went out for dinner and ended up at an Italian restaurant. I knew there was something bothering you, but I figured you’d tell me in your own time. Then I realised, if both of us kept waiting for that, we’d be looking at each other for ever and never telling each other anything that really mattered. So I got up, told my friend’s very big, very smart, very handsome partner that I loved him. Just in passing, and then I went to the bathroom to give him space. And whilst I was in there, I had this horrible thought. What if the reason he looked so thoughtful was that he wanted to end it? What if this was our last night together?”

He froze. It had never occurred to him to wonder what Sienna had thought about his behaviour that night. She squeezed his hand reassuringly, and he suddenly realised he’d instinctively reached out to hold hers and reassure her. She smiled at him again, and he wriggled a little with embarassment, knowing what was coming next.

“Then it turned out that he’d spent the whole evening wondering if I was pregnant, because the birth control I use stops my periods, and once we’d got that sorted out, he asked me to move in with him, and I accepted in a New York minute, but I’m never going to forget how much courage it took me to get out of that bathroom and face the unknown, because all I could think about was the worst explanation, and the thought of losing you when I’d just found you hurt like nothing else I’d ever experienced.”

She rolled onto her side, and reached out to stroke his face gently. “The point of this rather long and rambling story, Bobby, is that for us, shit happens if we’re not straight with each other. What is it that’s bugging you? I mean, I know I’m not the same person you fell for… but I can’t go back…” Her voice was steady, but to his eyes her vulnerability was clear. He would always be able to hurt her, he realised, and the realisation was in some ways a perverse comfort - she was not invulnerable, she did need him - but mostly, it was a grave responsibility. And also, he realised, the reverse was true. She would always be able to hurt him. Robert Goren would always, now, have someone (apart from his mother) who could get through his armour; his days of keeping aloof from humanity were gone for good.

“How can I say this?” he began, then stopped, trying to find the right words.

She held his gaze steadily. “Please… just tell me the truth.”

He took a deep breath, then blurted out: “It’s not really you I have a problem with. It’s me. You’ve become more like me.”

***

And, as if by magic, things make a lot more sense.

Ever since I got back, Bobby has seemed so weighed down, so… flat, compared to how I used to know him. At first I thought it was the same as with me. My depression lifted as soon as my mate returned to me, and I’d thought it would be the same for him, but now I realise that this runs deeper.

Mid-life crisis? Maybe. Or possibly that wretched Nicole Wallace’s reappearance has reminded him that, sometimes, he and Eames go too far in screwing around with people’s heads.

I take his hand. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I need you to explain it to me,” I reply, in my best don’t-think-you-can-blind-me-with-fancy-explanations voice (works a treat on Crime Analysts who are too smart-ass for their own good).

“It sounds so… stupid. When I was with you before… you were young and innocent…”

“And now I’m old and twisted?”

Bobby looks irritated, then realises what I’m doing by interrupting him and cracking jokes in the middle of a Serious Conversation. “You’re trying to tell me that you think I’m taking this too seriously.”

“I think you’re making it into more than it is. So I can’t be your moral compass any more. So you can’t look at me and think that at least there’s one person in the world who’s still sweet and innocent. So what? You’re a good person, Bobby. You don‘t need someone else to act as your conscience.”

“I don’t know if I believe that any more.” He heaves a heavy sigh. “Sienna… I get under their skin. I see inside their heads, and I understand why they do what they do, and I could offer sympathy, and then I think of the victims, and I use what I know to screw with their heads until they crack. You‘re right, I am a headfucker. It‘s what they‘ve always called me, and it‘s what I am.”

“Bobby, that’s your job. Police officers all over the world do that. You’re just better at it than most.“ I pause. “What brought this on?”

He waves a hand. “Just… stuff. Things getting on top of me.”

Yeah, right. Mental note to self: find Mike Logan tomorrow, and see if I can either charm or bribe him into spilling a little dirt on what’s been going on whilst I was in London. Something has triggered this and I need to know what… but for now, Bobby needs reassurance and love.

“Maybe. But…” I search for the right words. “If someone kills, or commits a major crime, they should go to jail. You’re protecting people who are innocent by keeping the guilty away from them.”

“I used to tell myself that. Now it doesn’t work, and all I can think about is that I’m just a complete bastard, that the real reason I joined the police was so I could indulge my own liking for manipulating people less smart than me.”

Oh, ye gods. I could spend days refuting that argument, but I’m tired and it’s late at night, so I go for bluntness. “Well, it’s possible for someone to serve the cause of good whilst being a complete bastard.”

Bobby snorts with laughter, then turns serious again. I decide to cut this conversation short. “Bobby… what you and I have now is a partnership of equals, and sometimes I am going to come across as a hard-assed bitch-” another snort of laughter “-because that’s now part of my job, but that’s not who I am, and I’m only like that when I have to be, and so are you. There’s much more to you than “Detective Goren the headfucker”. You’re my Bobby, and you can be gentle and loving and funny, and you make me happy, and I love you.”

Bobby smiles for the first time this evening, and reaches for me. It’s not sexual at first, just a comfortable cuddling and reassurance, but soon I’m starting to think how nice Bobby’s kisses on my forehead feel, and how much nicer it will feel if I just tip my head back a little and kiss him gently on the mouth. His tongue gently laps against my lips and I open my mouth, at the same time snuggling deeper into his arms. His breathing is getting heavier, and I can feel his arousal starting to build. I smile wickedly at him and murmur: “How about a quick demonstration of that last part?”

***

He matched her grin. “How quick?”

“That depends on you.”

“Actually,” he slid onto his back. “It depends on you.” He reached out and cupped her face with one huge hand. “Sienna… please…”

She understood, needing no more words. As he watched eagerly, his love slowly drew her negligee over her head, revealing the top half of her magnificent body, toned arms and generous breasts. He was rapt, held in place by anticipation, aching for her touch already as she moved towards her, her lower body still concealed by the covers. He moaned softly as she drew back the covers, revealing his body to her and pausing to sweep her eyes up and down his body. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips, and he saw her nipples harden in the night air.

Gracefully, she straddled him, her naked body on top of his, her knees planted on either side of his waist. The sweet pleasure of submitting to his lover’s lead was not one he often indulged in - more often it was he who pleasured her - but increasingly Sienna had begun to master him, to pleasure him until he was the one crying out, begging, “Don’t stop, please”. Her lips found his and she kissed him long and hard, guiding his hands to her breasts, and he knew that tonight his lover would take all of his fears and worries from his mind. He shivered at the thought of how intense the pleasure could be, would be, as his red-headed love used her knowledge of him to ruthlessly drive him to the edge, ecstatic with desire.

Suddenly, she slid backwards to lie between his legs, her mouth finding his erection and teasing it larger with skilful licks and sucks, darting little runs of her tongue that tickled unbearably. He already sensed that tonight Sienna would not allow him to do the same for her, that she would stay in control, finding her pleasure in reducing him to near mindless arousal and bliss. She slithered forward, and pressed her breasts either side of his slick shaft, boldly meeting his gaze, as if daring him to try to come before she was ready. Before he could get near that point, she lifted herself up and pushed herself forward to straddle his hips, just a hairs’-breadth above where their bodies would touch.

He would swear that he felt her heat against his erection, but as he lifted his hips she lifted hers and smiled evilly, then bent down to possess his mouth with hers. He pushed his tongue firmly between her lips, mimicking the hard thrusts he could give her, would give her as soon as… oh God… Sienna’s strong fingers grasped him hard and guided him inside her. She began to rock gently on top of him, pleasuring herself, and he smiled to see her upper body flush with arousal, her lips wet and dark. He reached up to cup her breasts, then rolled the nipples between his fingers. She began to ride him in earnest, thrusting with her hips and moaning now, crying out loudly, as her orgasm built, and his with hers, and as they reached the point of no return together Sienna locked eyes with him and he came naked in front of her, looking deep into her eyes in primal unity.

As she collapsed on top of him, groaning with satisfaction, he murmured into her ear “I love you, and you are the most incredible woman I’ve ever had.”

She raised her head long enough to reply hoarsely. “I love you, and you fill me like a stallion. Biggest man I’ve ever had. Biggest and best.”

He wrapped his arms tight round her and they remained that way until, slowly, they fell apart, and then into contented sleep.

***


Six hours later, he woke to the familiar scent of Sienna making coffee. He showered and joined her at the table, where she was chewing a toasted bagel and reading some case notes. She pushed a mug at him. He added enough milk to cool it to being drinkable, then chugged half of it. She raised an eyebrow. “In a hurry?”

He smiled at her tenderly. “Wish I wasn’t… but we’ve got this big case to crack, and something tells me it’s going to get a lot more complicated.”

She tipped her head on one side. “Is this the one with all four of you? Must be interesting, you and Logan working the same case…”

He grinned. Logan had settled in well, but the two of them occasionally found themselves locked in rivalry that was just on the right side of friendly. “Yeah. Still, at least I know Eames is on my side.”

Sienna smiled back. “Yeah. Hold that thought, Bobby, and remember - if she and I are on your side, you must be a good guy.”

“Sometimes I think you both just put up with me so you have someone around to fetch coffee.”

“I’m sure she’d say that five years of fetching coffee means something.” They smiled at each other, not needing to say aloud how very much more than that Eames’ friendship meant to him. Sienna stood up and gathered her papers, checking her purse for change. “See you later. Now go to work and do good in the world.”

He smiled and did as he was told.