Learning To Let Go

All Previous Disclaimers Apply.


“Hey, baby!” Haley Hotchner called out as she heard the front door of the house she and her husband had bought shortly after he was promoted to FBI headquarters open and close slowly. Uh oh. She hurried to make sure that she was ready to hold Jack out to him when he got into the kitchen. Haley was a woman who knew her husband. When he opened the door that slowly, that sadly, something had happened in his day that he would need comforting for. She had found that there was no better comfort than feeling your child in your arms and knew he felt the same.

“Come on, little man,” she whispered to the two and a half year old seated at his miniature play table, coloring, “Daddy’s had a hard day. He needs you.”

“Daddy sad?” Jack asked, extremely perceptive for a toddler.

“Yeah, baby. Daddy’s sad.”

“Why?” Haley smiled and ruffled his hair. It was a word he never tired of asking and she, secretly, hoped he would never tire of asking. Whole worlds could be contained in just a one word question that so many people seemed to forget as they got older. If you never questioned, you never learned, but Jack was certainly learning. More and more every day. He amazed her every time she looked at him.

“I don’t know, sweetie, maybe you can find out?”

“Yep,” Jack put down his crayons and held his arms out to her, asking to be picked up. She obliged him and reacted automatically when he turned his face up for a kiss, pressing her lips to his.

“Aaron? Sweetheart?” she was a little scared as she walked thorough the formal dining room. Even when he had had a hard day, he never failed to answer her. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw him standing in the living room, looking at the pictures up on the mantle in the dying light. She wasn’t really sure why there was a fist of fear in her chest, but there was just something in the way he was standing, something in the way he was staring so intently at the photograph of his team, taken at their Christmas office party, that made it hard for her to swallow. She stopped dead in her tracks when he turned to look at her and there was a pain in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since the first time he’d had to take a guilty life to save an innocent one.

“A life is still a life,” he’d told her. She’d held him for hours that night, trying to chase away the guilt, anger and sorrow. This was not the same, she realized, it was somehow more and he would need her again.

“Jack, baby,” she whispered, nuzzling his cheek, “Why don’t you give Daddy a kiss and then we’ll see if you can play with Ethan for a little bit over at Miss Lisa’s, okay?”

“’Kay,” he answered brightly, squirming to get out of her arms. Her son never passed up an opportunity to play with the little boy across the street, just three months older than himself and Haley knew that Lisa and Brent would understand once she explained what was going on. She watched carefully, looking for any clue that might tell her what was distressing her husband so, as Jack ran to his father. Aaron picked him up for a moment, looked into his eyes, kissed him, and then held him close for a good thirty seconds before setting him on the floor again. Bless his little heart, Jack seemed to sense that something was wrong and he didn’t squirm when Aaron held him, just waited patiently to be put down.

“I’ll be right back,” she mouthed as Jack took her hand to lead her from the room, telling her quickly what he wanted to take over to Miss Lisa’s. Aaron nodded vaguely, turning back to the pictures on the mantle. It only took five minutes to throw a few toys and a pair of pajamas in a little bag that Jack could carry all by himself and they were crossing the street hand in hand.

“Haley?” Brent, Lisa’s husband, looked concerned when he answered the door.

“Hi, Brent,” She ran a hand through her hair, almost in frustration when Jack pulled on her hand to be released so that he could go find Ethan, “Look, I really hate to impose on you guys like this, especially on such short notice, but do you think that maybe Jack could stay the night?”

“Sure, sure, that’s fine,” Brent crouched down, putting his face level with Jack’s, “Hey, Jack. Ethan’s in the kitchen waiting for dinner with Jamie. Why don’t you go join them?” Jack looked up at his mother and smiled when she nodded and let go of his hand. He didn’t exactly run, but it couldn’t be called a walk either, as he raced to join Ethan and Jamie in the kitchen. Jamie was Brent and Lisa’s first child, the child they’d had while they were still in high school, and he was nearly fifteen years old by now. He had a way with a child that was hard to explain, always patient and kind. The younger boys adored him and aspired to be just like him.

“Is everything all right, Haley?” Lisa joined her husband at the door, compassion and worry warring for dominance over her facial features.

“I’m not sure,” Haley answered shortly, impatient to be with her husband.

“Is Aaron okay?”

“Physically,” Haley decided that the truth was the better of the routes she could take at this point, “He hasn’t said a word since he got home a few minutes ago. I get the feeling he didn’t want to break down in front of Jack.”

“Did something happen at work?”

“Honey,” Brent put a gentle hand to his wife’s shoulder, “Haley’s about to tear her hair out she wants to get back to Aaron so bad. Don’t worry about Jack, Haley. We’ll take care of him tonight, food, board and entertainment. You just go be with Aaron.”

“Thanks, guys,” she hugged them both briefly and turned to cross the street.

“Call us if you need anything at all,” Lisa called after her. Haley didn’t even bother to turn around, though she was certain they would understand.

“Aaron?” she called as she entered the front door, making a beeline for the living room. He’d taken off his suit jacket, and was now sitting on the floor, simply staring at the picture from the Christmas party that he had pulled off of the mantle. She crossed the room in three quick strides and knelt down next to him, “Babe, what is it?”

“He doesn’t look like he deserves to have anything bad happen to him, does he?” His voice was so quiet that at first she wasn’t even sure that she’d heard it.

“Who, baby?” she made sure to pitch her voice low, gentle, but didn’t touch him yet. His voice was quiet, but she could see that he was tense, coiled like a spring. He might snap if she tried to touch him at the moment. She was not a profiler, but she had learned a thing or two being married to Aaron Hotchner for so long. It was better to wait until he reached out for her when he was in a state like this.

“Reid,” he answered. She looked over at the picture and realized that Aaron was running a finger over the young man’s form again and again, almost obsessively focusing on it. Oh, no. God, please no . . . She felt her throat constrict.

“He’s not using again, is he?” she asked quietly, wanting more than anything to put a hand to his shoulder. She had not seen Reid while he was going through withdrawal, had not wanted to get involved, especially with Jack being so young, but Aaron had come home every night that he wasn’t watching over the young man looking like he had just been through war. It had put a strain on him unlike nothing else she had ever seen and she could only imagine what Reid had gone through in those six days.

“No,” Haley was almost frightened by Aaron’s short, ironic, bark of a laugh, “I almost wish he were. That, at least, we could do something about.”

She worked hard to swallow around the lump in her throat, “What is it then, Aaron? Please. You’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry,” he looked up at her, genuine regret in his eyes, “I don’t mean to scare you, Hales.” He reached out and took her hand in his, inviting her to pull him close, inviting her in. She did so, wrapping him in her arms, knowing instinctively that he would have to put his ear to her chest. He would have to have the confirmation of her heartbeat. It was something he always did when he was upset.

“What’s wrong with Reid, baby? Won’t you tell me?” she whispered, placing a kiss to the crown of his head, “He’s been through so much. What could happen to him now?”

“You would think that,” She was surprised to hear that his voice was choked with emotion, even more surprised to feel hot tears soaking into her t-shirt, “You would think he’s been through enough. If there’s a god up there, he’s a sadistic bastard.”

She wanted to say something, but his next words had tears springing into her eyes, “Reid’s dying, Hales. He’s got a brain tumor that’s going to slowly stop his body from functioning.”

She gasped, pulled him closer. She’d only met the young man a couple of times, but she’d been impressed by the innocence he seemed to exude despite all he’d seen and the way he seemed to always be on the verge of something great, not quite there yet, but almost. She knew Aaron considered him a younger brother just as much as his own biological family and she could only imagine what kind of hell he was going through in his mind right now.

“But, there are treatments, surgeries, procedures . . .” she trailed off, feeling him begin to shake.

“I called Reid’s doctor today, and had him tell me everything about Reid’s condition. I didn’t tell Reid, but I even made him courier over copies of Reid’s scans and sent them to other doctor’s around the city. They all agreed. There’s nothing to be done. And so, anywhere from a month to a year from now, we’re going to lose him,” She waited for it, bracing herself for the storm that was just about to break, “And it’s not fair!”

“Shh, baby, shh . . .” she murmured again and again, rocking him slowly, trying to comfort him through her own tears. She didn’t say that it was alright. Because it wasn’t alright. It could never be alright. And it might never be okay again. Maybe God really was just a sadistic bastard. How could this happen to a sweet young man who was supposed to have the rest of his life ahead of him? Aaron needed a why, and so did she, but she knew there would never be one. So, instead of questioning anymore, she simply laid her head on top of his, continued to rock, and cried silently with him as he sobbed himself out.

“He’s so young.”

“I know.”

“He doesn’t deserve this.”

“I know.”

“He’s, Jesus, he’s like my . . . little . . .”

“I know, baby, I know. Shh, baby, shh. We’re going to get through this. We have to help Reid get through this. I can only imagine how scared he must be.”

An hour later, after they had both cried themselves dry, they shared a shower, trying to find a way to feel human again, not beings of sorrow. There was nothing sexual about the way they clung to each other under the warm spray, nor in the way they stumbled to their bed completely nude and held each other close under the sheets. This was pure comfort. And in the morning, when they woke up, it was with new resolve in their eyes. If Reid wanted his last days to be happy, to forget about his impending death, then, by God, they were going to make sure his last days were the best of his life. They sealed the silent pact with a kiss, and then made love with wild abandon, reaffirming that they were, in fact, still alive.

“No matter if it’s a boy or a girl,” Hotch whispered to his wife as they lay in the afterglow, his hand pressed to her flat stomach, both absolutely certain that she would conceive, “The name is Reid.” She simply nodded and pulled him in for another kiss.