Condemned to be Free

AngstLovesWincest: Thanks and yes, I always fix the boys in the end no matter what horrid things I do to them. :)

Sammy: You're welcome! :) I can't believe the SPN stuff isn't updated regularly. I would think it would have the most hits after HP fic. Oh well, I have a lot of writing done so I just need to get it up on the site. I hope you like it!

Pairing: None for this chapter
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Rape aftermath, angst (I try to keep it real so be careful reading it)
Summary: Dean's been raped and Sam has to try and figure out how to help him through it.
A/N: This chapter is mostly some dialogue that I felt needed to happen and we all know that the weird in depth talks usually happen in that strange time of the night when it feels like you're the only people awake on the planet. And Sam, like any good intentioned soul, makes some mistakes.


Dean woke up at one point and felt Sam's arms around him and smiled. He didn't open his eyes. He knew it had to be early afternoon and he didn't feel that he could face full daylight yet.

Sam's chest rumbled a little and he pulled Dean a bit closer. Again, Dean smiled, feeling totally safe. Then he heard the rumble again. Actually it was more like a whisper. Dean just listened intently, trying to figure out what Sam was saying.

"It's fine. Yes, I'm sure."

Sam's arms tightened again and this time Dean was a bit nervous. He didn't know who Sam was talking to and he didn't really care anymore. He didn't want anyone in the room with them.

He felt the bed dip with the weight of another person and then felt covers being moved until someone was holding him from behind as well. He wondered if Sam had called their father. He definitely didn't want his father to see him this way, but he managed to remain still. Then there was another voice near his ear.

"Still got a pretty mouth, boy..."

Dean began to struggle, but Sam was holding him too tight and the other man ripped down his sweats and started trying to shove himself inside of the frightened man.

Dean wanted to cry out, but he couldn't. He knew if he yelled for 'Sammy' that both men would respond and he just couldn't decide what he was supposed to do. He couldn't breathe and hot tears streamed down his face. Just as he found his voice the man plunged inside.

Dean just screamed and fought like hell.

Sam flew off the bed as he got hit. It took him a few seconds to figure out what happened, but he was sure Dean was trapped in a nightmare. The room was dark now since he'd allowed Dean to sleep the entire day away and he wanted to reach for the lamp, but he couldn't take the time in case Dean's screams woke other people up so he jumped on the bed and covered Dean's mouth with one hand while trying to restrain him with the other.

It didn't work too well and Sam went flying again and smacked his head on the bedside table. He scrambled up and hit the light expecting to see Dean fighting an imaginary attacker. Instead he was met by the horrifying sight of his brother tangled in the blankets, trying to free himself with his eyes wide open.

Sam tried to grab him again, but Dean didn't seem to see him at all. Sam finally backed off, sat down on the bed next to Dean and let himself cry. "What do I do? What do I do?..." He kept repeating the question to himself in the hope that somehow he'd suddenly come up with an answer. Trying to wake Dean up wasn't working and he couldn't let him go through his nightmare. He took a deep breath and started trying to pull at the blankets. "Dean! I'm here, Dean! Calm down and I'll get you out of there!"

He repeated himself loudly a few more times before Dean apparently heard him and calmed down.

He blinked a lot and then focused on Sam. "What happened?"

Dean looked so dazed and traumatized that Sam just shook his head. "Give me a minute." He went into the bathroom and closed the door before turning on the sink full blast to muffle his sobs. Eventually he washed his face and came back out, relieved to see that Dean was sitting up and looking normal by all accounts. "Sorry..."

Dean just shrugged. "I had a nightmare."

"I gathered. You want to talk about it?"

Dean frowned. "We don't do that stuff."

"We do now." Sam sat on the bed, but didn't touch his big brother once he realized how tense he was. He looked like a coiled snake that was about to strike. Sam rubbed the side of his head. Yeah, but I won't be the one hurting... "Talk to me, Dean. I'm here for you, but sometimes you have to tell me what to do...what you need. I couldn't stand it if I did anything to hurt you more."

Dean studied Sam's face for a little bit and then reached out to touch the puffiness under his left eye. "You were crying."

"Was not."

"You turn blotchy when you cry."

"No, I don't."

"You have ever since you were a baby." He smirked. "One time you cried so hard and then dad freaked because he thought you had hives."

Sam pouted just a little because he'd always like believing that he was pretty when he cried. He thought Dean was beautiful when he cried. He'd never tell him that, though. He really liked pretending that he looked that good when he lost it. "I'm okay now."

"I'm sorry."

"For what? You didn't know. You just said you were having a nightmare. You had no idea it was me."

"Yeah...I did."

Sam thought that over a moment and tried to come to terms with it. "Why?"

"In my nightmare...he came back."

"Which one?"

Dean just stared at him.

"Oh. So...what happened?"

"He got into bed with us and he...you know."

"I wouldn't let that happen."

"You were the one holding me down."

Sam got up then. He couldn't sit there and hear about it. He knew what had happened to Dean. He was there. He saw Dean being held. He saw the gun at his brother's head and he'd watched the look on the bastard's face as he climaxed inside of his brother. His brother...

In a panic, Dean thought that Sam felt he was accusing him of something. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry....I know that you wouldn't do that. I didn't mean to..." Dean lost the ability to find words that would make any sense.

Sam was back on the bed at his side in an instant. "No. No, Dean. Don't say you're sorry. I know you don't think that of me. Your mind just...did that because...." Sam shrugged. "You're scared. And that's okay. I don't want you to apologize for anything."

"I'm crazy."

"No, you're normal."

"I was trying to beat you up because...well, that's not normal."

"It's a normal reaction to a crazy situation."

Dean tilted his head and wrapped his arms around himself. "That's an interesting way of putting it."

Sam smirked. "Yeah...well I went to college, remember?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Not for psychology, dumbass."

"Law...psychology....same thing basically."

Dean smiled slightly. "If you say so."

The silence stretched between them for a few minutes, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was just there. Sam wasn't about to reach out to Dean. Even though he would always be his strong older brother, there was a part of him that couldn't get past the fact that he was a bit fragile at the moment.

Dean took a few deep breaths and then looked at the windows. "It's night."

"Yeah."

"Maybe we should head out?"

"No, we can't. We're supposed to stay around for awhile and I still have to get your medications tomorrow since I slept through the day."

Dean rubbed his hand over his face. "It's nuts. I feel like I haven't slept at all."

"You probably didn't. I'm guessing if you weren't dreaming then you were probably pretty restless."

"I guess." Again the silence stretched until Dean spoke again. "I've been thinking..."

Sam bit off his witty retort. "About what?"

"Why."

"Why?"

"Yeah, why this happened to me."

Sam sighed. "It just did. These guys had the drug with them so they were going to get someone that night. It just happened to be you."

Dean shook his head. "I don't know. I wish..."

Sam finally scooted a bit closer so Dean could more easily look him in the eye. "Tell me..."

"It's horrible, but I wish....I wish that it had been someone else."

"What do you mean?"

Dean wiped furiously at his eyes, refusing to let any tears fall. "If they were going to get someone no matter what I just wish they would have. Anyone but me. I don't care who they did this to as long as it wasn't me. I'm sitting here wishing this hell on someone else just so that I can get rid of it..."

"Anyone?"

Dean frowned. "Well...not you...or dad...or..." Dean went on to name just about everyone they knew and finally Sam put up his hand.

"Dean. There's nothing wrong with you. You may be thinking you're trying to wish it on someone, but you're not. You're just wishing it off of you."

"I'm sick, you know..."

"No, I don't know."

"I thought about it."

"About being ra-"

"Don't say it!"

Sam was startled at Dean's yell and he nodded. "Okay...sorry...I won't. But what did you think about?"

"Guys."

"What about them?" Sam felt a lump in his throat. This was that sexuality talk he'd read about. He didn't know if he was ready for it, but apparently Dean was so he had no choice.

"Sex...with guys. I've thought about it."

Sam was surprised, but also curious. "Okay...what does that mean?"

Dean turned away, obviously uncomfortable. "Never mind."

"No, Dean...look, I want you to talk to me. It's important. I just don't want to force you to say things you're not ready to say so I'm letting you lead the conversation, alright?"

Dean nodded and looked back at Sam. "I'm sick."

"Dean..."

"I've had some thoughts about some guys and now...now I know what it is and how could I have wanted that? How could I ever have even thought about it?" Dean began to tremble and he started to pull his knees up only to wince and put them back down.

Sam grabbed one of the blankets that had been kicked to the ground and put it around Dean's shoulders. "You never thought about what happened to you tonight, Dean. Trust me."

"I just told you that I thought about sex with guys."

"That wasn't sex."

"How would you know?"

Sam closed his eyes. So there it was. Truth time. "Because I do, Dean."

"Open your eyes."

Sam did and saw the shocked look on Dean's face. "I didn't want to tell you this way."

Dean was having an internal struggle with the new information. He wanted to be okay with what Sam had told him, but at the same time his shattered mind was trying to make the revelation just one more thing that his little brother had in common with his rapist. "But..." He tried to think of what he wanted to communicate, but all thought failed.

"Dean, your attackers were most likely not homosexual. Remember...this is all about power and control and not sex. When you're with the right person...sex is a beautiful thing. Even when you're not with the right person it should at least be enjoyable. You've never had sex with a man, Dean. That's not what this was."

"How did you do it?"

Sam's eyes widened. "What?"

"I mean..what did you do?"

Sam sighed. "Everything."

"Even...?"

"Yeah."

"But the pain..."

"It didn't hurt like you're hurting. It wasn't like that at all. It was...amazing."

Dean just looked down at the blanket covering his legs. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. You just went through hell. Give yourself some time and forgive yourself now for all the things that you're bound to say in haste while you're healing. Anger and rage are pretty common for a survivor, you know..."

"I could have AIDS."

"You don't."

"How do you know?"

"Protection was used because they were afraid of getting something from you, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm guessing they're fine and the condoms were used so..."

"So nothing to worry about."

"You still have to get tested."

"I know."

Again the silence engulfed the room, this time threatening to swallow them both.

"Why don't you get some sleep, Dean?"

"What about you?"

"If I sleep too much I'll be no good tomorrow. Just rest. I'll be close by and I'll grab a few hours sleep before morning."

"Will you..." Dean looked up toward the ceiling as if completely annoyed with himself.

Sam smiled. "Will you be pissed off if I just get back into bed with you?" The relief on Dean's face let Sam know that he'd guessed right on what Dean wanted.

"I guess. But just be quiet about it. I don't want to have to kick your ass."

"Yes, master." He carefully tucked Dean in, claiming that he was just fixing the covers for later when he got in.

Dean rolled over and closed his eyes, willing away any bad thoughts that could cause him nightmares.

Sam watched him for a bit and then got up. He pulled on a sweatshirt and grabbed his phone. When he saw the slow and steady movement of Dean's back, he slipped just outside the door and dialed the number that he'd been debating whether to even think about calling.

Getting an answer was the one thing he didn't expect to happen.

"Hello?"

Sam opened his mouth, but didn't even know what to say.

"Sam? Is that you?"

Sam swallowed and sighed. "Yeah, dad. It's me. We need to talk..."

TBC...