Peanut Butter Banana Sandwiches

He didn’t know why he was here. This was a stupid idea. He made a face and scooted away from a bug crawling in the grass. He didn’t know why he let the two of them lure him away from his nice quiet safe house underground, just to go… picnicking. Stephanie set out a blanket on the ground while Sportacus jumped up and down on the balls of his feet like an impatient child, holding out a backpack full of food and glancing over at the lake.

It figured they’d bring him somewhere so disgustingly wholesome.

Stephanie finally got the blanket set up, placing small rocks on the corners to keep it from blowing away from any stray gust, though the day was calm and rather hot. Robbie stalked over and sat resolutely on it, crossing his arms and legs in a huff. Stephanie smiled at him and he softened for a moment, but then stubbornly turned his head away. She giggled at his attitude and turned to Sportacus.

“Do you need anything else?” he asked her. She shook her head.

“Nope. All done.”

Sportacus looked like he might jump out of his skin in excitement.

“I’m gonna go swimming then!”

Robbie snorted. He was a big kid. Though, swimming sounded okay on a hot day like this, but there was no way he was getting in that water, it was probably infested with parasites that would latch onto him and suck him dry… he chuckled and turned to look back at the pair of them, fully intending to tell them about his theory and watch Stephanie’s face become horrified at the prospect of muck and bugs.

The idea died a sudden, abrupt death.

When he turned around, Stephanie was sitting on the edge of the blanket, folding a shirt up and putting it beside her. He recognized that shirt. There was no way the elf was…

But he was. Completely shirtless. The boots were next, then the goggles and hat. Luckily, the pants stayed on, but they had always been skin-tight, minus the flaring at the bottom. Robbie felt all the blood in his body rush to his head, and he felt slightly dizzy.

It should have been outlawed for the man to be seen without all clothes on, he thought dazedly. It was dangerous. The shirt and hat especially. The shirt because those abs could kill someone, and the hat because people would probably hurt themselves trying to touch his hair all the time. Dirty blonde and it looked like it was lighter than air. It probably was. Robbie felt the rational part of his brain shutting down.

Sportacus continued to bounce lightly on his feet and grin while Stephanie fished out the bottle of sunscreen. He thanked her and took it, shaking it and then popping the seal. It was a new bottle. He saw it at the store when he went to restock his Sports Candy supply and get more food for Stephanie (he had been slightly surprised when she insisted she couldn’t live on it all by itself like he did), and grabbed a bottle curiously. Coconut scented.

Of course, it didn’t smell exactly like… whatever it was that Robbie used, but it was close enough to make him happy. He started applying it to his arms and face and chest, missing entirely the glazed look Robbie had adopted. When he was done, he playfully grabbed Stephanie and applied some to her squinched-up-in-mock-disgust face, and told her to put some on her arms too if she was going to be in the sun. He released her and she giggled and collapsed on the blanket, fishing out an apple from the backpack and munching on it. Sportacus was about to drop the bottle and run for the lake (it was soooo hot, he didn’t know how they could stand it in the summer) when he remembered Robbie. The tall man spent so much time underground, he’d probably burn very easily… Sportacus crouched down next to Robbie and spread some sunscreen onto his face.

At that moment, Robbie’s mental facilities started up again with a bang, like faulty machinery. He blushed and tried to bat the elf’s hand away, but Sportacus merely avoided his swipes and went on calmly applying the sunscreen.

“There!” he said, and recapped the bottle, tossing it onto the blanket. “All done!” He beamed at Robbie, who was staring at him. His grin slipped a little.

“… what? What are you looking at?”

“Your ears,” he replied calmly. Sportacus paled slightly. In his excitement, he had forgotten… he wore that hat over the tips of his ears for a very good reason.

As his mind was still trying to reboot, Robbie didn’t think much of reaching out and tracing a finger over one of the very slightly pointed ears. They were fascinating. At a distance, even without the hat on, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell. But up close, they had a very slight point that couldn’t be entirely human. Robbie blinked, a part of his brain coming online again.

“I knew it. You’re so an elf.”

Sportacus looked away and fidgeted. What was he supposed to say to that? This was awkward. Stephanie had crawled over now, and he looked at her uncertainly. He wasn’t afraid of being shunned, really… but it was something he didn’t like to spread around, that he wasn’t quite human… it defeated the whole purpose of him being a slightly-above-average hero. With Robbie touching his ear though, it was getting increasingly hard to concentrate on being worried about anything.

“Really Sportacus?” she asked, looking at him curiously and then studying the ear that Robbie wasn’t busy touching. He fidgeted again.

“Yes…” he murmured, getting butterflies in his stomach. He stayed as still as he could as Stephanie reached up and touched his other ear. He felt a small flicker of annoyance, feeling somewhat like a petting zoo animal, but it passed within an instant and Stephanie withdrew her hand.

“Wow,” she breathed. “That’s so cool!” and she beamed at him, eyes bright and smiling. He felt like he was going to melt in relief.

But if he melted, he wasn’t entirely sure Robbie wouldn’t poke at him with a stick, as the man still had his ear under close scrutiny.

“It doesn’t do anything special Robbie,” he finally muttered. Robbie came out of his daze and finally let go, leaning back.

“You’re sure?” Robbie replied sarcastically. “Maybe it can do sports tricks too.”

Sportacus smiled at that and abruptly jumped to his feet and back flipped over to the water’s edge, splashing in like an exuberant puppy. He pretended not to hear Robbie yelling at him for being a showoff.


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“I’m hungry,” Stephanie said, flopping back onto the blanket. Robbie looked at her. Her feet were wet where she had been dangling them into the water, and her head and side were damp from where Sportacus had snuck up and splashed her, diving back underwater before she could retaliate.

“Then get the food out,” Robbie replied dryly.

“I don’t wanna eat without Sportacus…”

He sighed, rolled his eyes, and got to his feet. The stupid elf was in the middle of the lake, doing backstrokes. He walked to the edge and cupped his hands to his mouth…

“GET OVER HERE YOU BLUE ELF!”

He smirked as Sportacus was startled enough to lose his rhythm and thrashed for a second before treading water. He spotted Robbie and paddled over.

“What is it?”

“Your pink thing wants food, but she won’t eat without you.”

Sportacus smiled. “Okay, thanks Robbie.” He glanced at the slight sheen of sweat on the other man’s forehead. Poor Robbie… he could use something to cool off…

Robbie thought he might be in an alternate universe when he saw something akin to an evil glint in those blue eyes, and he backed up one step.

Not enough.

“YAH!” Sportacus yelled, and splashed Robbie thoroughly. He wasted no time in submerging after the stunt and swimming to the dock, reemerging underneath it.

“-HATE YOU YOU STUPID ELF!”

He felt a little guilty, but not enough to keep him from grinning mischievously. When Robbie sat down where he was in a huff, the grin faded. Did he really make him mad? He hadn’t meant to… he was just playing… he paddled quietly out from under the dock and swam up to Robbie, who was facing away from him.

“Robbie? Hey… are you okay? I’m sorry… don’t be mad…”

Robbie turned around.

“Huh? Why are you smil- AAHHH!”

Mud dripped down off of Sportacus’ face and hair, and Robbie was laughing so hard he had fallen over onto his side.

“You…” Sportacus said. “You tricked me! You villain!” And he splashed the other man again, to which Robbie retaliated by smacking him in the back of his retreating head with a mud ball.

Stephanie watched from the blanket as the two men enacted a mock battle between good and evil. She rolled her eyes as they even went so far as to add sound effects and cheesy dialogue.

‘Boys,’ she thought, and ate her sandwich.


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Eventually, Robbie got exhausted and trailed back up the blanket, and Sportacus followed. Robbie half-expected him to shake off like a dog as he got out. There was still some mud in his gold-brown hair, but Robbie thought it was an interesting look. It made him look like he was some kind of wild man. Add a couple of twigs and a loincloth and the look would’ve been complete. Robbie would have snickered to himself, except he was soaking wet and starving.

Stephanie handed him his sandwich, after confirming for him that it did not have apples, vegetables, or oranges in it, like Sportacus’ sandwich did. He sat down on the edge of the blanket and ate it quickly, drinking the soda that Sportacus had reluctantly brought along. He didn’t miss the disturbed looks the elf was giving it as he drank it.

“Oh!” Stephanie exclaimed after the two men had finished eating. “I have a present for you Robbie!”

He blinked. “Eh?” It had better not be socks again.

“Because we know that you didn’t want to come, but you did anyway, so me and Sportacus decided to get you something.” She smiled at him, and no matter how many times she did that he’d still feel that damnable warm tingly sensation in his gut. He held out his hand.

“Alright already, hand it over.”

She carefully dug a plastic container out of the backpack (she frowned slightly as she noticed someone had duct-taped it shut to ensure it didn’t escape), and handed it to Robbie along with a fork. He raised an eyebrow at it and pried the tape off. He missed the exasperated look Stephanie gave Sportacus, and his mouthed reply of “It’s sugar!” as explanation. Finally, he got the lid pried off and looked inside.

Cake.

He grinned suddenly. Cake! It looked kind of weird, and some of the frosting was on the sides from being knocked around in the backpack, but it was cake! He glanced up at Stephanie briefly.

“Thanks.”

She smiled and ate her apple. Sportacus was staring intensely at him, and it unnerved him slightly because it was so uncharacteristic of him to sit still, never mind keep his eyes in one place for so long. It was almost creepy. But regardless, there was cake in front of him, and its sweet smell was making his mouth water. He scooped a piece out with his fork and popped it into his mouth. He hummed happily in delight. It was delicious. He couldn’t quite figure out what the flavor was though. Slightly spicy, cream cheese frosting… he swallowed.

“What’s this crunchy stuff in it?”

Stephanie shrugged.

“Coconut maybe? You know how Sportacus is around sweet stuff. We kind of had to grab one and run.”

Sportacus frowned slightly. It was true that just being in that cake store made him feel like he needed to run far, far away, and Stephanie had had to calm him down a couple of times before deciding on which one… but she made it sound like he had a phobia. He handled being around Ziggy’s sweets pretty well, didn’t he? He pouted slightly and crossed his arms. But… watching Robbie dig into the cake was simultaneously disturbing and hopeful.

The man was enjoying carrot cake. It was priceless. He found himself smiling slightly, even if it was mildly insulting that Robbie thought him incapable of being around sugary things now. Still… slowly, Stephanie was introducing him to healthy food, even if it was in a… unappetizing way, to him. He could stomach peanut butter if he had to, but it tended to make him drowsy afterwards. But it was clever to mix in banana with it so Robbie would eat it. Very clever.

After Robbie finished the cake (Sportacus watched him lick the last of the frosting off of the fork) Stephanie said she was going to go pick some flowers, and wandered off with a warning from Sportacus to not go too far or his crystal might not be able to pick up anything if she was in trouble.

Of course, there wasn’t much chance of her walking that far, but he couldn’t be too careful. After she walked off, humming cheerfully to herself, he caught Robbie shivering.

“Oh,” Sportacus said, and Robbie looked at him. “Your clothes are all wet.”

“Your intellect is dazzling yet again, Sportaflop.”

He sighed, shaking his head.

“You should probably let them dry out.”

“What do you think I’m doing? And don’t forget the one who made them this way either.” Robbie threw a glare at him. He rolled his eyes.

“Look, you have to actually take them off if they’re gonna get dry. Besides, you’ll get sick sitting in wet clothes like tha-”

“No.”

“What? Why not? You want to get sick?”

“There’s no way in hell you’re getting me to take these clothes off!”


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“I hate you…”

“Yeah I know Robbie.”

Robbie was sitting on the blanket, curled up as much as possible, in a pair of boxers. His clothes were hanging over a tree limb, dripping dry in the summer sun. And as much as he was loathe to admit it, he felt better now that his skin wasn’t against that cold wet clothing anymore.

But he was exposed. And that wasn’t good.

Whereas Sportacus had the body of a minor god and seemed happily oblivious about it, Robbie knew very well where he himself stood on the scale of attractiveness. He was tall, lanky, skinny, pale, and by now his hair was probably all a mess from being splashed so much by the man doing stretches nearby. Robbie glared at him.

“Stop that,” Sportacus huffed, sitting up from his leg stretches. “You feel better now, right? So what’s the problem?”

“Like you would get it,” he muttered, and turned away. “Stupid sports elf.”

Sportacus clenched his fists involuntarily. He was getting frustrated with everyone belittling him or treating him like a little kid. He was a grown man, and even if he liked to have fun like a kid sometimes, it didn’t change that he was an adult.

This ‘stupid sports elf’ thing was wearing thin, and quickly.

He stood up from his spot on the grass and walked over to Robbie. He didn’t miss the uncertain way Robbie eyed him as he got closer, or the way he curled up tighter without seeming to realize it. He sat down again directly in front of him, and grabbed his hands when he started to scoot backwards and away from him.

“I’m not just a stupid sports elf.” he said. Robbie looked about ready to faint, so he kept his voice deliberately even and soft. “I don’t think you really believe I am just that, but even if you do, I’m going to tell you now you’re wrong.”

Robbie tugged ineffectually on his hands, trying to break the other man’s grip so he could get away. He didn’t want to do this. He should have known better than to come along, and known better than to take that cake at face value. He didn’t want to have this conversation. It was easier to think of him as just some pretty-boy jock elf who did back-flips everywhere. This one, who held onto him and was forcing him to see the truth, this one wasn’t what he wanted to deal with.

“Robbie, listen.”

His eyes focused on the man again, and he blinked. Sportacus sighed.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he continued. “But… when you say that kind of stuff… it hurts. It’s like… like you don’t see anything else except for my sports tricks and sports candy. Or, that’s all you want to see. That hurts.”

“Why?” Robbie blurted out without thinking. He immediately snapped his mouth shut again, cursing inwardly. Stupid stupid stupid…

“I don’t really know,” Sportacus admitted, looking up for a moment like the answer might fall from the sky and hit him on the head. He looked back down and his eyes met Robbie’s.

“I guess because I like you.”

Robbie’s world was slowly coming apart at the seams.


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“I mean, you’re funny and smart, and you’re probably the only one in town who doesn’t expect me to be a hero all the time and save them… though, I’d always save you anyway… and you’re interesting. I like you, Robbie.”

Robbie’s eyes had glazed over again. Sportacus bit his lip and pushed forward.

“How much more do you want me to say? I want to know more about you. I want you to not be alone anymore, and I want you to be happy. That’s… that’s why it hurts when you say you think I’m nothing but a stupid elf. I don’t want you to think that…” he swallowed hard, and his grip on Robbie’s hand tightened slightly. He didn’t know exactly what he was risking, but the butterflies in his stomach returned harder than ever, and for once in his life he thought he might be sick.

“If you think that… you can’t love somebody who’s just a stupid sports elf who does nothing but eat sports candy and save children with acrobatic stunts.”

Robbie’s eyes dilated, but Sportacus didn’t notice. He was beyond nervous or scared. He was terrified. His hands were shaking slightly.

“Don’t make fun of me.”

Sportacus blinked. … What?…

“I’m not-”

“Stop lying.”

“Robbie I don’t underst-”

“OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T!”

Sportacus was shocked literally into silence, and Robbie looked more furious than he’d ever seen him.

“You, the town hero, you find it so amusing to humor the one who nobody loves, is that it? It’s like a conquest. ‘Let’s make fun of Robbie, he probably likes guys, and when I tell him I like him, he’ll fall in love with me and follow me around like a little puppy dog, and we can all make fun of him behind his back!’ That’s it, isn’t it! How the hell could anybody like Robbie Rotten, the pale ugly skinny man who lives in a glorified cellar and hates everyone!”

Sportacus felt something in his chest jump in panic. He was losing him. He didn’t want to believe Robbie was so lonely that he couldn’t trust anyone, didn’t want to believe that something had happened to him that made him automatically reject everyone, but this was screaming at him in his face, this was yelling at him, do something. He started trembling.

“That’s not it at all!”

“You’re a liar!”

“I’m not lying damnit!”

Robbie panted, face red and eyes shining. Sportacus wasn’t in great shape either, pale and tears about ready to spill over. He let go of Robbie’s hands, and before the other man could make an escape, grabbed his shoulders instead, and pushed him onto the ground.

“Don’t leave,” he said, his voice cracking as he tried to stay calm. “Don’t… Stephanie will cry… please don’t leave.”

Robbie didn’t move. His eyes were glazing over again, and Sportacus knew he was on the verge of losing him again. He was willing to flail blindly in the dark mystery that was Robbie Rotten and his intentions, if it would mean the man could be happy.

“Robbie…” he said quietly, almost whispering, as if afraid of breaking something. “What do you want me to do to prove it?”

Ah. There it was.

Robbie’s eyes focused on him again, and Sportacus saw clearly for the first time all the layers of suspicion built up in them. He also saw beneath those layers, the amount of hurt there was, and even deeper, that small piece of soul that was pleading like a child left alone in the dark: “save me, please”.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked again. Robbie looked at him again for a moment.

“Kiss me then.”

Under normal circumstances, Sportacus would have blushed at the blatant demand, and hesitated in doing so.

But these weren’t normal circumstances at all.

He swallowed, and leaned down over Robbie, face inches from his. He waited one second, to see if there was a flicker of doubt in Robbie’s eyes, fear, anything. If there had been, he would have asked if he was sure.

But there was nothing there.

He closed his eyes and lowered his face to Robbie’s, and touched their lips together. The butterflies in his stomach had transformed into a flopping twisting coiled snake, and he could feel his hands shake harder. It was something that sent sparks to the ends of his toes. He pushed a little further, and felt himself relax, and felt Robbie relax under him too. Slightly emboldened, he let his fingers rub Robbie’s shoulders slightly. He felt something ease up and melt in his chest, and he slowly attempted to deepen the kiss. He had never really done this before, so he wasn’t sure he was doing it right, but it felt right, so he continued.

He felt the lightest flutter in his stomach as Robbie started to kiss him back, hesitantly. Rewarding the man for even trying, Sportacus allowed his hands to travel upward and caress his neck lightly. This in turn made Robbie make a little noise of contentment against his will, and he arched up into Sportacus. The skin-to-skin contact nearly made Sportacus moan, but he held it back and continued letting his fingers roam. One seemed fascinated with Robbie’s damp hair, which completely unraveled what was left of the style in it, and the other seemed content to travel down Robbie’s arm and grab onto his hand. Robbie was responding more now, and feeling something wet against his lips, Sportacus opened his mouth.

He nearly lost his balance and collapsed entirely onto Robbie when he realized it was the man’s tongue, and said appendage was currently inside his mouth and doing… things… he moaned.

‘Does Robbie always taste this sweet?…’ he thought dazedly, and broke away for air, his eyes feeling heavy. How strange…

“Huh?” Robbie looked confused as Sportacus swayed slightly, and looked… sleepy? “Sportacus? What’s wrong?”

Sportacus smiled slightly, gradually leaning over until he was resting on his side.

“You taste like sugar,” he murmured. “And you said my name right…”

Robbie cursed, which caused the half-asleep elf to giggle quietly. Residual sugar left in his mouth from the cake… he hadn’t thought of that. He glanced at Sportacus, who looked like he might collapse into sleep at any moment. At least it hadn’t been enough to send him into a complete sugar meltdown… Robbie sighed.

“Whatcha sighing for Robbie?” Sportacus yawned, and hugged the other man, cuddling up to him. Robbie’s eyes widened slightly at the difference, but he brushed it off.

“You,” he replied, poking the sleepy elf in the forehead. Sportacus blinked.

“Oh…” he said slowly. “’Cause I’m sleepy… dunno why…” he was fighting a losing battle with his eyelids.

“It was the sugar.” Robbie told him. After another sleepy “oh” and a yawn, he was asleep curled into Robbie. Robbie tested the arms wrapped around him to see if they would budge, but all he got was a mumbled sound of protest from Sportacus, who gripped tighter. At the best interest of his lungs and ribs, Robbie let the elf use him like a warm teddy bear.

He looked at the sky through tree leaves above him, until eventually the activity of the day caught up to him and he joined Sportacus in sleep.


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Stephanie strolled back to where the blanket was, arms full of flowers and humming a new song. She looked at the lake, and the lack of Sportacus disturbing its calm. In fact, it was too quiet… was something wrong? Her breath caught in her throat. No no no, nothing could happen . She went around the tree and looked at the blanket.

She sighed in relief. They were both fine. Nothing bad was going to happen to her again. She looked again at the two sleeping men and smiled. Sometimes she felt like their mother, or older sister. But that didn’t stop her from feeling the both of them were pillars for her. As long as they were still standing, she would be fine. She started braiding flowers into Sportacus’ hair, and after that she made flower crowns for the three of them, and placed them carefully on their heads. She smiled, proud of her work, then yawned. It had been a pretty exhausting day, and looking at them sleep had made her feel like taking a nap…

She crawled and squirmed her way in between them, closing her eyes. Robbie turned in his sleep, so his chest was against her back, and she snuggled against Sportacus. She felt more content and safe than she had in a long, long time.