Sacrifices

Sarah let go of John’s hand and chased after him. “Sawyer, wait. Damn it, wait!” He finally stopped, giving her the coldest look she had ever seen. “What do you want from me? An apology? Is that it? Fine. I’m sorry I flew to Sydney to help you. I’m sorry I kept your ass out of jail. I’m sorry I slept with Hibbs so that he wouldn’t kill you because you screwed up in Tampa. Yes, James, I slept with him but I did it because I was trying to protect you.” She felt the tears burning her eyes and she realized that John was hearing her confessions. “I’m sorry that I ever believed I wasn’t one of your marks and that you weren’t grifting me and that you really cared for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your perfect con. I’m sorry,” Her tears were flowing now as her voice grew louder with emotion, “that I ever fell in love with you. I’m sorry I gave you my heart and soul. I’m sorry that you broke my heart and that now I don’t trust anyone with it. I’m sorry….” Her voice faded away to nothing.



Sawyer looked at her, his expression still unfeeling, and said, “Consider us even.” And with that he was gone. No explanation, no nothing. Sarah stood there shocked by the turn of events. It was all just so surreal.



When she finally looked around, John was gone as well. As she walked back to the caves she kept telling herself what an idiot she was for ever going to Sydney in the first place. She should have let Sawyer rot in jail and then none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t be trapped on some island with … with… with who? With Sawyer? With John? She couldn’t trust Sawyer anymore; couldn’t trust herself with him, couldn’t trust her heart with him. And John? While the sex was out of this world fantastic (she felt her knees getting weak just thinking about it, about him and the way he had… shit, she had to stop thinking about that), how did she know if she could give her heart to him when she didn’t even really know him? It was ridiculous to think that she could fall for someone she didn’t even know. Wasn’t it?



She was able to pull herself together enough to not have people ask too many questions. She muttered something about a migraine to anyone who asked and made her way back to the blanket she and John shared. He was no where to be seen. She didn’t have the energy to go look for him. He probably didn’t want to see her anyway. After all, he had just heard her admit to Sawyer that even though she had been in love with him she had slept with someone else, that he had broken her heart, that she didn’t think she could ever trust anyone again. Why would he want to be with her? She had too much baggage and he had enough to deal with just surviving in this God-forsaken place. Maybe she should just move back to the beach now and save him the trouble of asking her to leave. Of course it wasn’t going to be any better there. That’s where Sawyer was and he didn’t want her any more than John probably did. Shit, now she really was getting a migraine. She gathered up her paltry belongings, took a few things from Jack’s medicinal stash, shoved them in a duffel bag, and went to the only place she could think of. No one would look for her there because no one knew it existed, and the one man that knew about it, well, she was fairly certain that John wouldn’t go looking for her anytime soon.



Because she didn’t look back, she never noticed the piercing blue eyes follow at her from just outside the cave’s entrance. If she had, she would have been able to warn Sawyer about Locke.



***



“Let’s see,” Sarah thought out loud, “where should I place the lamp? Hmmm, how about here?” She chose a spot near the stream and started building a fire. “Not too shabby for a studio apartment. Not much view to speak of, and the furnishings suck, and it’s a hell of a walk to the corner store, but the neighbors sure are quiet.” She would have laughed at her own joke but it was just too pathetic. She found barely touched bottle of wine that she and John had shared earlier that day; they had been too preoccupied with other things to worry about the wine.



She sat back against a tree near the fire and started drowning her troubles; before she knew it she had polished off the bottle of wine and finished off all the liquor she had stolen from Jack. “Not bad; Australia makes some mighty fine wines. Too bad John and I didn’t get to….” Her thoughts grew fuzzy as the alcohol began to take its effect. She closed her eyes and let the numbness take over her body, her brain. That must have been why she was hearing things, hearing John’s voice ask her, “Didn’t get to what?” She knew he wasn’t there, wouldn’t ever be there; that’s why she never opened her eyes. She decided to play along with the fantasy in her mind, “Have a chance. He’d never understand, you know.”



Her fantasy spoke again, “He might. If you gave him a chance.”



She laughed bitterly. “Riiiiight. He’d get why I had to sleep with that vile Hibbs, why I gave my body to someone I hated, why I let him do things to me that no one... Hell, Sawyer didn’t get it and it was for him. I knew he didn’t have the money to pay Hibbs back, knew that Hibbs would kill him as soon as look at him. That was why I went there and begged for his life. Begged! Can you believe it? I groveled like some street urchin, begging for his life.” She was crying again, and now that the confession had started she couldn’t stop herself. It was word vomit and nothing could stop her and she was glad she was alone and that the jungle was her only witness. She drew her knees up to her body and wrapped her arms around them. “And then Hibbs, the bastard, gave him photos of us together and told him that I had betrayed him. He never even let me explain. He just packed my stuff and tossed me out on the street like I was garbage, telling me that I belonged out there with the trash and that he never even loved… that it was all a game, a con…. How could John possibly understand any of it? Why would he want yesterday’s garbage? Why would he ever trust me, knowing what I did?”



“Because he knew you had your reasons. Because you did what you had to do to save someone’s life, someone you cared for. Because he understands what it means to do anything, anything necessary to save the life of someone you love. Because on this island, in this place, who we were before, what we did before, doesn’t matter anymore. Because everyone deserves a second chance, Sarah.”



Okay, since when did her imagination start making sense? And when did she refer to herself by her own name? She opened her eyes and tried to focus on the fire that was slowly dying. Instead she saw that John was there, just on the other side of the glowing embers, watching her. Great, now she was hallucinating. Stupid alcohol. She mumbled, “You aren’t really here. I’ve just had way too much to drink and it’s been a really trying week. If you really were here, which I doubt you ever would be, you’d sure as hell not be talking about second chances but would be demanding to know why I…”



Suddenly her phantasm made its way to her and pulled her to her feet, “I am here, Sarah. And I do understand the sacrifice that you made for Sawyer. He couldn’t understand because he has never had to do that. He’s never sacrificed a part of himself only to be betrayed by someone whom he thought loved him.” He tilted her head up so that she was looking into eyes that showed a hurt they both shared. “I’ve been there, Sarah. I’ve made that sacrifice. I’ve been betrayed. We’re a lot alike, you and I.”