Looking Back

Justin stood there listening to the dial tone roaring in his ear. He had a hundred different emotions hitting him at once. He had built up such internal resentment towards Brian over what he assumed was going on now that Babylon had reopened; he was instantly overcome with guilt when he realized how far off he had been.


The guilt was running hand in hand with a certain sense of accomplishment. After the multiple times Brian had rejected him during that first year, there had been a small part of him that had always wanted to be able to say 'I did it! I'm the reason Brian Kinney has settled down!' At this stage, though, Justin thought he was well past that. After all, he wasn't a love struck teenager anymore. He had to admit that while acknowledging these previous thoughts was bad enough - actually acknowledging the feelings of accomplishment stemming from those thoughts was even worse.


He felt bad when he realized how miserable Brian was, but truth be told, it also made him feel good. As long and hard as he had fought for Brian's love, any reminder of it made it feel even stronger. It made him feel like a complete person. It reminded him that, even if he bombed in New York, there were still people back home that would love him no matter what… back home…


Justin's train of thought was abruptly interrupted when the dial tone was replaced by that obnoxious beeping noise that starts to play as a reminder to hang up your phone. He replayed the conversation in his head again. Brian had never really wanted Justin to go to New York. Once again - as he had done several times in the past - Brian had sacrificed his own happiness for the sake of someone else and their happiness. Justin chuckled to himself; for someone who had always preached that he didn't believe in love, and who would go out of his way to make people think he didn't care about them at all; Brian always did everything he could to make sure bad things didn't happen to his friends - or at least tried to minimize what he could. As far as Justin was concerned, if sacrificing your own wants and desires for someone else's didn't qualify as love, he wasn't sure what did.


There were too many thoughts going through his mind for him to try and sleep right now. He went back to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of Jim Beam 'in honor of Brian'. He went back into the living room and sat down in his recliner. He turned the radio on and listened to some random station while sipping his drink. When he was in the mood to dance, he used his walkman so that he could play the music as loud as he wanted without it being disruptive to his neighbors. But at times like this, when he just wanted some background noise; he listened to his big stereo with the volume down low - barely above a whisper.


He had leaned back and closed his eyes while continuing to nurse his drink. He wasn't trying to block anyone or anything out; he just wanted to clear everything out of his head for a while so he could get some rest. To ensure that his head would clear as quickly as possible, Justin had grabbed his "treasure chest" from the cupboard above the fridge and rolled up a joint. As he was sitting in his recliner sipping his drink he lit the joint and took a big hit off of it. He held the smoke in his lungs as long as he could before letting it out slowly. In between drags on his joint he drank down what was left in his glass.


He looked down at the empty glass and was debating going for a refill when a familiar song came across the radio. A smile came onto Justin's face and he decided the refill could wait…


You can dance every dance with the guy that gives you the eye…
Let him hold you tight…
You can smile every smile for the man who held your hand 'neath the pale moonlight…
But don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're going to be…
So darlin' save the last dance for me…


Justin closed his eyes and laid back in his recliner while the song and his recovered memories washed over him. There were still holes here and there in his memories of that night, but he had recovered most of the ones where he and Brian were dancing together.


He took another long hit and held the smoke in again. He kept replaying the dance over and over again, as they would start to leave the dance floor he would rewind it in his mind and play it again. He had grown very accustomed to this because the one time he had let it play out farther he had opened his eyes just as he had heard Brian calling his name. For days after that, every time he closed his eyes he could see the baseball bat in mid swing.


He realized the song on the radio had changed but he reached over and turned it off before it could break through his train of thought. He finished off the joint as he turned off all the lights and headed for the bathroom - humming the song the whole time. He continued to hum as he washed his hands and turned out the bathroom and hallway lights. He had gotten rather good at navigating through his apartment when all the lights were off - it was one of the tricks all starving artists used to save money. The humming got softer as he made his way through the apartment until he was just hearing the music in his head. As he slipped in between his sheets, his eyes remained closed and a smile spread across his face. All the worry and sadness he had been feeling about Brian was fading away… Brian still loved him and better still - Brian was missing him! He lay there waiting to drift off to sleep with a smile still on his face.

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Brian cussed himself over and over again for the next twenty minutes while he finished off a dying bottle of Jim Beam. He had gotten careless this evening; letting Justin know how much he was thinking about him. It wasn't that he was trying to hide it or deny it; he just wanted to make this transition as easy as possible for Justin. He actually had been surprised when Justin had believed it. Justin was better than anyone else when it came to seeing through Brian's bullshit. Maybe it had been easier to maintain with so many miles between them. Keeping up appearances was rather easy when all correspondence was through phone calls and emails. He decided to go to bed and worry about the potential fallout in the morning. As he walked over to turn off the radio, Save the Last Dance for Me by The Drifters started playing. The corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile. He sat back down and listened to the whole song before finally turning off the radio and going to bed.

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Justin was waking up slowly. He could hear Daphne in the kitchen making breakfast, but he didn't want to get up yet. The combination of his talk with Brian, the copious amounts of alcohol he had consumed and the joint had given him the most vivid dreams he had ever had. At one point he could have sworn someone was really giving him head! If he had a choice, Justin would stay in bed all day just to reminisce.


He grumbled softly to himself when he heard Daphne call out to Keith and tell him that breakfast was ready. He had pulled the comforter up over his head hoping he could hide out a little longer. He felt the bed move and realized someone had been laying there next to him! All of a sudden he was completely awake. He didn't remember bringing anyone home last night. What he did remember was that he had sent Daphne and Keith to sleep in his room before answering the phone. As he looked around he realized that he was in his bedroom… in his bed… and someone else had just gotten out of it! Daphne was obviously in the kitchen so that only left one person. At that moment, the bed dipped down again and Keith leaned over him, "Morning Sunshine. Daphne said breakfast is ready, why don't you come join us? You must be hungry after last night…"