To Feel
folder
Smallville › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
5,541
Reviews:
12
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Smallville › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
5,541
Reviews:
12
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Smallville, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 3
Chapter 3
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Clarks POV
When Lex showed up I was beyond shocked, my brain wouldn’t even function in the slightest bit. I didn’t now what to say, what could I say? I had entertained the thought and fear of getting caught, but had never really decided on what I would do if I was.
When he began to draw nearer I started to panic. What was he doing?! Was he going to take my blade! But no one can touch it; no one’s ever supposed to see it. They don’t understand! How could they possibly when they’re human, they have everything I want and they don’t even realize it. They couldn’t understand how I feel because I’m the only one, I’m the only alien freak; I’m all alone.
My compromise wasn’t really much of one. I had wanted to tell Lex long ago, because as I told him, I think he could understand where the others wouldn’t. I could trust him, besides, there was always something about him that made me feel… something.
When he suggested putting away my blade I panicked again, I had only gotten in three cuts before he came, and that wasn’t enough. I knew I couldn’t cut anymore with him there with me, but having the blade out would allow the pain to linger and that would have to be good enough.
After a cleaning up and a quick note to my parents we were in the car. An awkward silence filled around us but all I could concentrate on is the burning in my arm that I fear I might never feel again very soon. I followed him without protest up to his office; for a second it almost seemed like nothing was wrong, like everything was as it had been. But then he turns and says something to me that doesn’t fit with that lie.
“Clark, will you sheath the blade now?” Reluctantly I nod, and after cleaning it quickly I slip it into the steel sheath. As usual the effect is instantaneous. Though my arm is still wrapped I know the cuts are gone, leaving just the slightest itch to my arm. I shudder as I feel everything go dull and cold again. I grip the blade tighter, wanting to add just a few more cuts to calm myself, but know I can’t yet.
“Good. Now let me see your arm and lets talk about this.”
“My arm’s fine.”
“Clark, that shirt is soaked through with blood…”
“It’s fine I promise, it’s part of the explanation.” I see the conflict he’s going through but eventually he nods. He then turns from me, heading to the tray of alcohol he always has out. He pours a shot and slams it back before pouring another. He must truly be nervous because I can’t count the times he has gone over the way to drink expensive alcohol. Now ready he heads over to the dark leather couch, and after taking a seat gestures for me to do so as well.
I sit on the edge of the seat, blade and left arm clutched to me, ready to bolt any second.
“Alright Clark, explain this to me.”
“It’s the only way I could feel alive. Without my blade I feel nothing. There’s no hot, no cold, no warmth from a touch, no nothing. I don’t feel real, I don’t feel alive, because I feel nothing. Lex you have to understand, I can’t go on without this; it’s the only thing keeping me sane.” Lex gave a heavy sigh and I knew that he didn’t understand, not yet.
“I know that at times life can feel like it isn’t real, but cutting is not going to bring that life to you, it’s not the answer.”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m not speaking metaphorically, look…” I said, removing the shirt from my arm and shoving my arm towards him. There was still a little blood on it but all that remained of the cuts were a few silver lines, blending in with the others.
Lex grasped my arm suddenly, pulling it to him with a look of complete shock on his face, and as if in a trance lightly touched my arm. I let out a whimper involuntarily. This is why I didn’t let people touch me anymore, I could see them do it but not feel it. It made me want to pull back out the blade and dig it into my arm, just so I could make sure I still could feel.
“Don’t you understand? I feel nothing right now. I feel dead inside because my body is dead to this world.”
“You can’t feel me touching you?”
“No,” I almost sobbed and tried to curl in on myself. “you could slam a knife into me and I still would feel nothing.” I could almost see the switch in Lex, from friend to curious scientist.
“Then why does that blade cut you?” He asked.
“It’s special. The blade is coated in the green meteor rock… that’s the only thing that can hurt me.”
“Jesus Clark, what are you saying?”
“That I’m an invulnerable freak that can only be hurt be green meteors.”
“Clark, you’re not a freak.” Lex said coming closer and grabbing me by the chin so I could look in his eyes and see the truth of his words. “You’re just like me and the other meteor mutants.”
“No Lex, you don’t understand. I’m not a meteor mutant, I … I’m not human.”
The hand dropped away suddenly and I curled further into myself. Now came the shouts, the disgust, he would have me taken away and…
“So you’re what? An Alien?” I gave a jerky nod into my arms, still afraid to look at him.
“How long have you know?” He asked, clearly trying to keep his voice calm.
“The day you hit me. I thought I was human before that, just really strong and fast.” I gave a chuckle at how insane that sounded, god I was so naïve.
“How fast? How strong?” Lex asked cautiously, but he sat down next to me again so I took that as a good sign.
“Mmm, faster that any of your cars, faster that a bullet. And strong enough to lift a tractor one handed, or smash through concrete walls. And impervious to anything but meteor rocks.
“Jesus Clark. How do you know nothing can hurt you? I mean…”
“I’ve been shot a few times.”
“What?! By who?”
“Well, often times the people weren’t in their right mind, like my dad.” Or you I added silently in my head. “Or it was just me getting between bullets and someone. The bullets wouldn’t leave anything except a bruise, and now they don’t even leave that.” I said glumly.
When I had bee trying to think of what I could do at the beginning of all this to feel again, shooting myself had actually crossed my mind; but I figured that the loud bangs would bring far too much attention to myself.
“You’re dad! Fuck Clark, there’s ten years of therapy for you.” I gave a little chuckle at his comment and the tension eased a bit more.
“So you understand. You won’t try to stop me?”
“Clark…” I could hear the hesitation in his voice and new I had to convince him before he made up his mind.
“Lex please. I’ll give you my blood.”
“What?”
“I have a few jars of it; you could probably use it to find some medical cure, since I’ve never been sick or anything. You could study it and help me, figure out what all my powers are maybe before they stumble onto me. I’ll even let you experiment on me… please help me. You’re the only one that I trust, the only one that doesn’t make me want to cut open my arm every five seconds.”
Lex looked at me curiously at my last words, but I know I have him intrigued and very close to caving. I dropped to my knees in front of him, scooting between his legs and wrapping my hands gently around his lower legs. “You can even help me understand other stuff, because I think I’m at a point where I’m really starting to diverge from humans.”
I had him. I knew I had him, and the thought made me want to collapse in relief.
“Al right Clark. I’ll help you. We’ll try to understand this and try to find another way for you to feel alive besides cutting.” I remained silent, nodding in agreement. I wasn’t going to tell him that nothing else would work. I would let him search for another solution while I took comfort in the release I had found that does works.
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A/N: PLEASE review!
************************************
Clarks POV
When Lex showed up I was beyond shocked, my brain wouldn’t even function in the slightest bit. I didn’t now what to say, what could I say? I had entertained the thought and fear of getting caught, but had never really decided on what I would do if I was.
When he began to draw nearer I started to panic. What was he doing?! Was he going to take my blade! But no one can touch it; no one’s ever supposed to see it. They don’t understand! How could they possibly when they’re human, they have everything I want and they don’t even realize it. They couldn’t understand how I feel because I’m the only one, I’m the only alien freak; I’m all alone.
My compromise wasn’t really much of one. I had wanted to tell Lex long ago, because as I told him, I think he could understand where the others wouldn’t. I could trust him, besides, there was always something about him that made me feel… something.
When he suggested putting away my blade I panicked again, I had only gotten in three cuts before he came, and that wasn’t enough. I knew I couldn’t cut anymore with him there with me, but having the blade out would allow the pain to linger and that would have to be good enough.
After a cleaning up and a quick note to my parents we were in the car. An awkward silence filled around us but all I could concentrate on is the burning in my arm that I fear I might never feel again very soon. I followed him without protest up to his office; for a second it almost seemed like nothing was wrong, like everything was as it had been. But then he turns and says something to me that doesn’t fit with that lie.
“Clark, will you sheath the blade now?” Reluctantly I nod, and after cleaning it quickly I slip it into the steel sheath. As usual the effect is instantaneous. Though my arm is still wrapped I know the cuts are gone, leaving just the slightest itch to my arm. I shudder as I feel everything go dull and cold again. I grip the blade tighter, wanting to add just a few more cuts to calm myself, but know I can’t yet.
“Good. Now let me see your arm and lets talk about this.”
“My arm’s fine.”
“Clark, that shirt is soaked through with blood…”
“It’s fine I promise, it’s part of the explanation.” I see the conflict he’s going through but eventually he nods. He then turns from me, heading to the tray of alcohol he always has out. He pours a shot and slams it back before pouring another. He must truly be nervous because I can’t count the times he has gone over the way to drink expensive alcohol. Now ready he heads over to the dark leather couch, and after taking a seat gestures for me to do so as well.
I sit on the edge of the seat, blade and left arm clutched to me, ready to bolt any second.
“Alright Clark, explain this to me.”
“It’s the only way I could feel alive. Without my blade I feel nothing. There’s no hot, no cold, no warmth from a touch, no nothing. I don’t feel real, I don’t feel alive, because I feel nothing. Lex you have to understand, I can’t go on without this; it’s the only thing keeping me sane.” Lex gave a heavy sigh and I knew that he didn’t understand, not yet.
“I know that at times life can feel like it isn’t real, but cutting is not going to bring that life to you, it’s not the answer.”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m not speaking metaphorically, look…” I said, removing the shirt from my arm and shoving my arm towards him. There was still a little blood on it but all that remained of the cuts were a few silver lines, blending in with the others.
Lex grasped my arm suddenly, pulling it to him with a look of complete shock on his face, and as if in a trance lightly touched my arm. I let out a whimper involuntarily. This is why I didn’t let people touch me anymore, I could see them do it but not feel it. It made me want to pull back out the blade and dig it into my arm, just so I could make sure I still could feel.
“Don’t you understand? I feel nothing right now. I feel dead inside because my body is dead to this world.”
“You can’t feel me touching you?”
“No,” I almost sobbed and tried to curl in on myself. “you could slam a knife into me and I still would feel nothing.” I could almost see the switch in Lex, from friend to curious scientist.
“Then why does that blade cut you?” He asked.
“It’s special. The blade is coated in the green meteor rock… that’s the only thing that can hurt me.”
“Jesus Clark, what are you saying?”
“That I’m an invulnerable freak that can only be hurt be green meteors.”
“Clark, you’re not a freak.” Lex said coming closer and grabbing me by the chin so I could look in his eyes and see the truth of his words. “You’re just like me and the other meteor mutants.”
“No Lex, you don’t understand. I’m not a meteor mutant, I … I’m not human.”
The hand dropped away suddenly and I curled further into myself. Now came the shouts, the disgust, he would have me taken away and…
“So you’re what? An Alien?” I gave a jerky nod into my arms, still afraid to look at him.
“How long have you know?” He asked, clearly trying to keep his voice calm.
“The day you hit me. I thought I was human before that, just really strong and fast.” I gave a chuckle at how insane that sounded, god I was so naïve.
“How fast? How strong?” Lex asked cautiously, but he sat down next to me again so I took that as a good sign.
“Mmm, faster that any of your cars, faster that a bullet. And strong enough to lift a tractor one handed, or smash through concrete walls. And impervious to anything but meteor rocks.
“Jesus Clark. How do you know nothing can hurt you? I mean…”
“I’ve been shot a few times.”
“What?! By who?”
“Well, often times the people weren’t in their right mind, like my dad.” Or you I added silently in my head. “Or it was just me getting between bullets and someone. The bullets wouldn’t leave anything except a bruise, and now they don’t even leave that.” I said glumly.
When I had bee trying to think of what I could do at the beginning of all this to feel again, shooting myself had actually crossed my mind; but I figured that the loud bangs would bring far too much attention to myself.
“You’re dad! Fuck Clark, there’s ten years of therapy for you.” I gave a little chuckle at his comment and the tension eased a bit more.
“So you understand. You won’t try to stop me?”
“Clark…” I could hear the hesitation in his voice and new I had to convince him before he made up his mind.
“Lex please. I’ll give you my blood.”
“What?”
“I have a few jars of it; you could probably use it to find some medical cure, since I’ve never been sick or anything. You could study it and help me, figure out what all my powers are maybe before they stumble onto me. I’ll even let you experiment on me… please help me. You’re the only one that I trust, the only one that doesn’t make me want to cut open my arm every five seconds.”
Lex looked at me curiously at my last words, but I know I have him intrigued and very close to caving. I dropped to my knees in front of him, scooting between his legs and wrapping my hands gently around his lower legs. “You can even help me understand other stuff, because I think I’m at a point where I’m really starting to diverge from humans.”
I had him. I knew I had him, and the thought made me want to collapse in relief.
“Al right Clark. I’ll help you. We’ll try to understand this and try to find another way for you to feel alive besides cutting.” I remained silent, nodding in agreement. I wasn’t going to tell him that nothing else would work. I would let him search for another solution while I took comfort in the release I had found that does works.
****************************************
A/N: PLEASE review!