Just Listen

Note: This section has some description of a medical condition and one of the therapy techniques for overcoming it. It gets very blunt. Yes it is a real condition.

Grissom was pretty pleased with himself. After he left Catherine he went home and got a few things done around his townhouse. He purposely didn’t call Sara until almost 4pm that afternoon. He was even able to sell her on the idea of staying in with pizza and movies without mentioning that he only wanted to do that because of her rough morning.

Sara answered the door like nothing had happened that morning. She was surprised when they were settled in watching the first movie and Griss still hadn’t questioned her about the morning. She had her plan in mind on how to end it with him, and it started with him asking questions. Now he wasn’t playing along. She would just have to take the issue head on, which is what she was trying to avoid. Just thinking about it had her squirming in her seat next to him.

Grissom saw her shift and thought back to the morning. “Are you alright? Do you need to lie down again?” Sara looked over at him puzzled. “No of course not. Why would you think that?” Grissom shrugged “Well Catherine said when whatever this is happens, that it helps if you lie down. You’re sitting there moving around like you’re uncomfortable, so I just thought maybe that was it.”

“Well maybe this will be easier than I thought.” Sara sighed. “No it has nothing to do with that. It’s just this whole thing. Us. I don’t think it’s going to work. I’m sorry Grissom.” She stood up and walked into her kitchen. Grissom was stunned, but after a minute he followed her. “What exactly isn’t going to work?” He shocked her with how calm his voice was. “I don’t know. I just know this isn’t going to work. It’s better if we just end it before it gets ugly and we wind up hating each other.” Grissom watched her as she stared at her counter. Something was definitely wrong with this. He knew Sara well enough to know she doesn’t give up anything without a fight.

He walked over and stood next to her. “Why won’t it work Sara? What’s your evidence?” “This isn’t a case. There is no evidence.” “So you’re willing to just end this between us on a feeling? That’s not like you Sara.” She turned her back to him and looked at the ceiling. “It’s not just a feeling Grissom. It’s inevitable. Every time I’m in a relationship it ends badly.” “So history is doomed to repeat itself? I don’t think so Sara. Things are different this time.” Sara couldn’t move. Telling him it was over was tearing her apart and her tears were silently falling. “Nothing is different this time Grissom. That’s the problem. Nothing has changed.” She felt him move close behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. She refused his efforts to turn her around to face him. After a few moments he gave up trying and leaned in beside her ear. “Do you love me?” Her breath caught and the lie she tried to force out died on her lips. He asked her again. “Do you love me? That changes everything Sara. I don’t care about your history. I don’t care what has happened to your relationships in the past. God knows I don’t have the best history in that department either. But that’s in the past. I’ve spent too long hiding my feelings and running from them. I wont do it anymore Sara. But I wont force you into something you don’t want. If you want me to go, really want me to go, I will. But only if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”

Sara was frozen. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She knew she couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him she didn’t love him; not when she fell in love with him all over again every time she looked into those warm blue eyes. Her thoughts ran wild as she stood there with her eyes closed. “So much for the plan. Maybe I should just tell him…No I can’t do that…That would make him end it…it has for the others…But Grissom is different….But he’s still a man…he can handle the truth…..But I can’t tell him.”

“Sara I know you’re scared. Don’t you think I am too? We’ve both waited so long for this. We can’t just walk away because we’re scared. Honey I love you..”

“No! You can’t. You can’t love me.” Sara tried to get past him, but he held her tight. “What are you talking about?” Sara twisted out of his grasp and ran to her bedroom. “You just can’t. I don’t deserve it. You’re better off without me.” She slammed the door and sank to the floor in tears.

Grissom stopped just outside her bedroom door and heard her crying. “Sara talk to me.” “Just go away Griss. You don’t need me and I don’t want to see you hate me.” “I could never hate you. I love you. Open the door and talk to me.” “You don’t know Griss. You have no idea.” “Then tell me.” Sara flung the door open and faced him for the first time. “Fine. I’ll tell you and then you can go. I can’t be with you. I can never be with you. Not really anyway. We can talk, we can date, but there can’t be anything else.” Grissom looked perplexed and she continued. “Sex Griss. We can’t have sex, ever. I can’t. It just doesn’t work for me that way. Now you know. So go ahead and say it. I’m a tease, I lead guys on, I’ll never be a real woman, and I don’t deserve to be loved. Go ahead. I’ve heard it all before. Why do you think I don’t date much? Because at some point they expect sex and when I can’t deliver, they walk. So say whatever it is you’re going to say and go.”

Grissom was floored. None of what she said made sense, but one thing stood out in his mind. Her pain. She was expecting him to leave her for not having sex with him. “Since when is sex so important? Sara I love you. That has nothing to do with sex. Will you come sit down and talk to me? I don’t know who said all those terrible things to you, but they had no right. Especially because you chose not to sleep with them.” “You don’t get it. I don’t have a choice. Even with someone I love, I can’t. No matter how much I want to.” “Talk to me. Help me understand.” “Let me get cleaned up and I’ll tell you the whole story.”

While Sara calmed down and splashed some water on her face, Grissom started some tea. When it was finished he carried two mugs over to the sofa where she sat, and he waited for her to begin.

“When I was a kid, it wasn’t just the yelling and fights I got used to. There were screams too. After my father would yell, throw things, and hit my mother, I would hear her screaming in their bedroom. I was five when I found out what the screaming was about. One night, when the screaming stopped, I heard their bedroom door open and my father went down the hallway. Later he came back but instead of going back to his bedroom, he came into mine. I was scared but then he started talking to me and everything was ok. I thought it was one of those times where he wasn’t the monster who invaded my dad, that my dad was back. See that’s how I thought about it back then. I thought it wasn’t my dad doing these things to us, it was a monster who took over my dad’s body. Then it would leave and he’d be ok again.

But that night I was wrong. It was a different kind of monster. That night I learned that my mother’s screams were a blessing, because at least when she was screaming he wasn’t raping me. That’s why rape cases get to me so bad. I know what they went through so I feel like I have to help them. I know what you’re thinking and no I don’t need therapy. I’ve already done that routine and I made my peace with my father raping me a long time ago. The funny thing was, when my shrink said I didn’t need to see her anymore about that, I thought it was over. That the other stuff would go away. But it didn’t.

After I went to foster care I was taken to a doctor for a full exam. That was the first time I was able to tell anyone what my father did. Naturally they had to examine me and make sure I hadn’t been seriously hurt. The exam was as almost as bad as the rapes, but at least it didn’t take as long. When I was older and started seeing a gynecologist, I was terrified. But I knew I had to go. Every time I had to go it was the same thing. I was calm, not panicking or anything, and then the pain would start. The first time it happened the doctor thought it was just that the speculum was hurting me, so he tried to do the exam manually. Then he found out what the problem was. Apparently even I’m fully relaxed, the muscles there tense up when anything is being inserted. It’s an involuntary thing and the result is I can’t have sex. Just an annual exam hurts to where I can’t walk. Afterwards the pain lingers for a while and then I’m fine.

So now you know. Any time a relationship gets to a point where most people are having sex, I get dumped. Do you remember the plane? Ken thought he could get me past it. He was convinced that after an orgasm I’d be able to have sex. When he was wrong, that was the end of that relationship. The others have ended before that.”

Grissom sat there in tears as she told her story. When she finished he reached for her and pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry Sara.” “It’s ok Griss. I get it. Men have certain needs and expectations in a relationship, and I can’t fill those. You don’t have to feel bad about leaving me.” He pulled back from her and took her face in his hands. “Will you just listen? I’m not leaving you. I love you. God Sara no one should have to deal with the kind of hell you went through. And for men to dump all the other crap on you for something you can’t control is just wrong. It’s not your fault. None of it.”

Sara blinked back tears. “You’re not leaving me? You don’t care that I can’t have sex with you?” Grissom smiled. “No I’m not leaving you. Of course I care you can’t have sex with me, but only because you’re so upset by it. We’ll work it out. If I can only sleep with you in my arms and nothing more, that’s enough.” She threw her arms around him and cried. “Thank you. I didn’t think about this when we started seeing each other, then after this morning when you saw me all I could think was I was going to lose you. I love you so much Griss.” Eventually her tears stopped and she pulled away. They curled up together and watched the rest of the movies. At some point Sara fell asleep with her head on Grissom’s chest. Grissom looked down at her and stroked her hair. “Sleep well my love. I promise you I will find an answer to this problem. You shouldn’t have to suffer through doctor visits like that. There has to be a way to end your pain.”

Sara sighed in her sleep. In her dreams she remembered her doctor suggesting a solution to her problem. She woke up hours later still snuggled into Grissom’s chest. It felt so good being in his arms she wanted to stay there forever. But she had to find out if her dream was right. Was there a solution to her problem? She slipped out of his arms and opened up her laptop. A few hours later she had more detailed information than she had gotten from her doctor. There was a solution to the problem, but she wasn’t sure she was entirely comfortable with the solution. Especially when she noticed that every website she read mentioned including one’s partner in the treatment.

Grissom woke with a chill. The warmth that had blanketed him was gone. He opened his eyes and saw Sara sitting at her desk with her laptop open. She looked breathtaking with the light playing off her hair. He sat up and just watched her for a few moments until she noticed he was awake. “Hi. There’s coffee ready if you want some.” Grissom gave her a smirk. “You always make coffee at 2am?” “No usually I’m at work so I get Greg to do it.” She closed her laptop and followed him into the kitchen. “I was doing some reading after I woke up. I found more information about this problem I have, and there is some therapy that may help. I’m just not sure I’d be comfortable with it.”

Grissom slipped his coffee and then looked at her. “Honey if there is something that can help you so you don’t have to suffer like you were yesterday, then I’m all for it. But if you’re not comfortable with it, then we’ll find another way.” Sara was shocked and it showed. “You mean you don’t want me to look into the therapy?” “I mean I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. If you’ve been reading up on it and you’re uncomfortable, why put yourself through it?”

“Even if the therapy means I’d be able to have sex with you?”

“Sara I don’t want to have sex with you. I want to make love to you. If this condition of yours makes certain activities impossible, we’ll find another way. If this therapy you were reading about is something you want to pursue, then I’ll support you in it. But don’t force yourself into something you’re not comfortable with just because you think I want you to.”

Sara looked into his eyes and relaxed. For the first time a man she cared for knew about her problem and he didn’t hate her. She didn’t disgust him and he didn’t pity her. Grissom loved her and he genuinely wanted to help. “I have a number for a therapist my doctor recommended. Maybe I’ll call and get an appointment, just to talk about it and see if it’s something I could be comfortable with.” “That’s a good idea. It’s always best to have all the information before making a decision.” She smiled “I thought you’d say that. But Griss could you do something for me? Would you go with me?” “Of course I will. There is no reason you should go anywhere you may be uncomfortable alone.”

A few days later Sara and Grissom sat in the office of a sex therapist listening to the details of her condition and treatment. Dr. Karen Sith understood Sara’s fears and her insecurities and put them to rest quickly.

“Sara this seems like a serious problem, but actually it’s fairly simple to cure. What you have is a common cause of painful intercourse called vaginismus, the involuntary spastic tightening of the muscle controlling the entrance to the vagina. It is commonly seen in women with a history of sexual abuse, where your body developed a defense against being hurt. It’s also seen in women without an abusive history, and it’s not uncommon. To relieve vaginismus is fairly simple. I recommend involving your partner in this to make it more enjoyable. You use a series of graduated dilators to stretch and relax the muscles that control the opening of the vagina. You begin by daily inserting the smallest dilator that you can comfortably insert, using the same process as recommended for vaginal self-examination. You should feel pressure, but no pain. If you can’t feel pressure, move up to the next size. Leave the dilator in place for 15 to 30 minutes while tightening and relaxing the vaginal muscle. When you feel ready, try the next larger dilator. You continue to graduate to larger dilators until she is able to comfortably insert a dilator of the same or larger circumference as the head of her partner's erect penis.

With your history of abuse and the length of time that you’ve been dealing with this, I would also recommend that the two of you engage in foreplay well before Sara is actually ready for penetration. Massages, fondling, kissing, play one of those board games for lovers. Anything that gets Sara comfortable with being touched sexually will help. If you can incorporate any of those into the sessions, that will help you make the mental connections to tell your body that being touched sexually and penetrated is enjoyable.”

Grissom listened and mentally made note of the things he could do to help Sara, if she would let him. He listened to all of Sara’s questions for the therapist, noting all of her concerns in his mental file. When they left the office she had a stack of booklets and papers detailing everything she needed to do at home for her therapy as well as tips that could be beneficial. She was quite the whole way to the parking garage where Grissom’s Mercedes was parked. He gave her a moment before he started the car, but she just stared at the papers in her lap. “Sara are you alright?” “Yeah I’m fine. I’m just thinking. After hearing Dr. Sith talk about it, it really doesn’t seem that bad.” “What doesn’t seem bad, sweetheart?” “The therapy. I mean it doesn’t sound like all fun and games, but it doesn’t sound as bad as I thought it did.” Sara looked at him and searched his eyes for a hint as to what he was thinking. “It just doesn’t sound like something I want to do alone.”

Grissom took her hand and looked into her eyes. “I told you before I’m here for you. No matter what.” “You really want to help?” “Of course I do.” “Really?” Grissom sighed “Sara what is it going to take for you to believe me and accept that I want to help you?” “Well since you asked…….”

(later)

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into that.” “Well you said you wanted to help. I just can’t believe that clerk’s nerve.” “Sara I hate to tell you, but when I man my age walks into a shop like that with a young beautiful woman and they’re looking at sex toys, there is one general conclusion that is drawn and that is that the man either can’t satisfy her or he can’t perform.”

“Couldn’t he just think I landed a hot, more experienced man and wanted to spice things up a bit?” Grissom chuckled. “Well he could, but I’m sure he didn’t. At least not at first. After he saw what we were getting I’m sure the thought crossed his mind.”

“By the way, do you want to tell me how you knew your way around that store so well?” “Do you want to tell me why you felt we had to get so much stuff?” “I wanted to be prepared for anything. Your turn.” “Prepared for anything? Five different sized vibrators, a foreplay board game, massage oil, body paint, climax beads, and I don’t even know what’s in that box you picked up.”

“You’re pretty well versed on what these things are. Care to explain that” “I can read the packages Sara.” “Uh huh. Sure. I’m not buying it, but I’ll let it go.”

Grissom took Sara and her assortment of toys back to her apartment and he went back to his townhouse. Sara had to work the next four nights and needed to get some sleep. But he promised her that he would be by every morning after her shift to help her with her therapy. He realized it would make sense for them to move in together, but he wanted to be sure Sara was ready. Suggesting moving in together after seeing each other for just a couple of weeks might seem like he was pressuring her. She needed time and space, but he hoped after helping her with her therapy that she would realize he’s with her for good.

““We do not obtain the most precious gifts by going in search of them but by waiting for them.” If he didn’t pressure her, if he didn’t try to rush her, he just might get everything he’s dreamed of.