koayanisgatsi

An unknown cold came into the apartment and she could feel her body tremble as a small drop of water fell on her bare skin.
She could feel a breath, someone’s breath over her. It was familiar, too familiar, the breath, the scent, the light touch on her, the soft kiss laid on her head. Luka, she prayed, but she could tell it wasn’t his touch, she knew it wasn’t his breath, his scent.

Forcing herself to the extreme as she did not really want to, Abby turned to open her eyes and face who had walked into her apartment in the middle of the night.
She could still not focus her eyes on the introducer’s face but she could make out a male’s shadow, cold, wet, soaked more like it.
Finally she saw him, John Carter staring down at her as if seeing the vision of an angel.
He seemed taken by her, she on the other hand could not help herself but to show it clear in her eyes happiness was the furthest feeling inside her now.
It wasn’t him who was supposed to be here it was Luka and it was obvious in her eyes, that she felt this way.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice cold as ice, she could not bring herself to be nice now. She didn’t want him here; she didn’t want to deal with this now. She didn’t want to feel the pain and suffering she would soon cause him. She had been happy only hours ago and it felt as if the happiness was vanishing from deep within her and she could only blame him for this.

“I just got back” His words were soft of someone who was happy to be where he was, who had missed her and who wanted now to try and fix whatever had been wrong between them, but she didn’t want to fix or be fixed in anyway. She was fine, taking the thunderstorm she had faced, the rocking boat she had been in, she was fine, happy and he was here spoiling it. “Our plane got delayed” He kept informing to her distracted eyes, she searched for her clock but could not seem to find it.

“What time is it?” She finally faced him with eyes so cold it made him feel chill down his spine.

“Five thirty”

“Why are you here?” She demanded staring at him, letting him know he was an unwanted guest.

“I missed you?”

“So you just let yourself in?”

“I have a key remember? Look, Abby, I’m sorry! I understand you’re angry and… … … …”He actually couldn’t understand why she was this angry. Fine he had left with no warning but shouldn’t she be glad he was back? Here with her, trying to fix everything.

“I’m pregnant” It suddenly slipped out of her mouth without warning.

Carter stared in disbelieve.
She studied him for a minute. His eyes light up, he was smiling.

“It’s’ Luka’s”

His face fell, his eyes found the floor trying to analyze the situation, trying to figure out what had just happened. He couldn’t bring himself to. From one second to another he felt joy, thrill and than pain, anger, horror.
Abby’s hand moved to the drawer beside her and she took a cigarette out of it.

Carefully inspecting that venenom in her hands and gazing at her belly, Abby put the cigarette back in the drawer and got up. His eyes followed her.
He could see it now. It was true, this was not a nightmare, it was real, too real. A pain of a strength he was unaware even existed took over him.

His eyes were suddenly filled with tears.

“Hum, Luka’s? How? Why? When Abby? When, when did you cheat on me?” He got up feeling the anger grow deeper in his chest.

She wasn’t looking at him; instead she stood over by the window watching the lifeless streets of dawn. Outside it was pouring rain.
From the window she could see the few people that were on the streets running to hide from the large drops falling on them.


“Was it when I was helping you with your mother? No, you’re brother? ABBY!! When?!!”

“The night before he left” Her voice was low and weak, she could feel the knife hitting him, cutting him, opening a wound that was possibly still unaware to him, but to dam familiar for her.

“So, when I needed you the most?!! How could you do this? Come on Abby. Why?! I need to understand, what the fuck happened? Why did you sleep with Luka?”

“I don’t know” She felt the tears begin to roll down her eyes and she blamed her hormones now.

“YOU DON’T KNOW?!! How can you not know! Seems kind of stupid to me, to ruin an entire relationship and not know why” He was screaming, he was standing right in front of her and shouting as if she were miles and miles away.

She was really crying now, trying to cover by swallowing her tears, by throwing her head back and biting her lower lip.

“You know what Abby, I came back because of you. I came back to try to fix things, but hey, you made sure to end it even before I knew it. So, if you know, or don’t know why you did this I honestly don’t care. I had it, I had it with dealing with everything, your mother, you’re brother, Luka … … … because let’s face it, he was always in your mind, you always worried and I knew you wanted him but I thought … … … … I actually thought you loved me.”

“I did. I do!” She tried.

“How can you say that?! Every time Luka stormed out, you left behind him, every time he needed a cover up, there you were, you defended him of things he was without a question guilty of…. … … … I was so stupid. God, I was stupid! … … And the worse part, Abby, is that Luka never did anything, he’s innocent. I mean I can’t believe it. It was all you! You chased him, you went after him and I can bet you were the one to knock on his door that night. … … … … Here take your dam key. I won’t need it anymore!” He threw the key and stormed out leaving her with her tears.
Though she still heard as he sat down at her doorstep outside and cried himself out for minutes that seemed to go by like hours.

So there it was, the end for her worries. She had told him, it was over! The end of them!! There was no turning back, no way out, nothing to do.
She felt awful, like one of those fairy tale’s witches who steals the dreams and feels pleasure in doing so. He had been right. It had been her to follow Luka, to go after him no matter what, to worry about him and try to heal his pain, but it was an instinct. How could ever explain this? Even to herself? She hadn’t managed to yet and she was sure she would never be able to. It was feeling she knew would never leave her.

God, she needed a dam cigarette. No! She needed Luka! She picked up the phone and dialed, something had to go right today!!

“You’ve called Luka Kovac, I’m not here at the moment, or well, I’m sleeping, so leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as possible.”

Dam machine! “Luka, it’s Abby … … … listen, we need to talk, … … … you’re probably sleeping.. … … … I mean let’s face it, you had a two day trip… … … … meet me for lunch in front of the ER, but please don’t go inside. Or we’ll be stuck in there for days”

She hung up. She hoped he really didn’t go into the ER, otherwise Chuny would most likely babble it out to him at the second he walked in.



The rain had stopped and the sun was shining brightly in the sky, it was a beautiful day, but Abby couldn’t really see it. She didn’t really care she found herself lost in her worries .She couldn’t really think about anything else besides the dream she had had after she tried to talk to Luka that very same early morning.
It was funny how since she had gotten pregnant she could easily drift into dreams that meant something, sometimes ridiculous dreams, like of something Susan would say, or a case that ended up showing up in the ER. Like today’s case with the MVA holding three kids.

Abby felt a shiver down her spine thinking that the petrifying visions she had had about Luka, could indeed be real. But they couldn’t. If Carter was home, it meant Luka was also back, safe. She would soon see him and stop being this stupid.

“Hey, what are you doing out here in this disgusting hot weather?” Susan walked outside.

“Waiting!”

“Waiting for what?”

“Kovac”

“He’s back?” Susan’s eyes filled with excitement

“Carter showed up lat night in my place, so I called Luka and asked him to show up here”

“Wild night?” Susan tried to get more details.

Abby smiled ironically “What do you think?”

“How did he take it?”

“As expected. Angry, hurt…”

She stopped herself from saying anything further as Carter showed up in front of them.

“Hey stranger, how was Africa?” Susan greeted him with a smile feeling the weird cold air that hung between him and Abby.

“Better than here. But I’m going back”

“You just came in” She sounded shocked.

Abby only blinked. He watched her from the corner of his eyes, trying to swallow the pain he seemed to find himself in.

“I’m not wanted, I’m switching place with Kovac.”

Abby stared at him shaking her head. She had heard wrong.

Susan stared puzzled and deciding to ask for Abby. “What do you mean”

Carter sighed, this was taking longer than he wanted it to. All he wanted to do was grab a few things and let Weaver know he was going for unknown time and that he would send Luka in his place.

“Luka stayed. He had a few patients he wanted to finish working on himself.”

“Luka is still in Africa?!” Abby could simply not believe it.

Carter nodded to her bewilderment.

“I can’t believe this. What the hell is he still doing there?!

“I just told you”

“I told you to call.” Susan stated.

“Susan I don’t need this now. Why the fuck did you leave him there?” She demanded from him.

Carter frowned and entered the ER. Abby followed.

“I asked you a question”

“He’s a big man, he makes his own choices.”

“You left this shit place to help him. You were supposed to bring him back!” She was screaming as she walked behind the front desk to stand beside him.

Frank hurried to the other side.

Carter still frowned looking around the chaos he found himself in. Jesus, it was worse than he remembered. The noise was unbearable. He held a finger to his ears managing to piss Abby really off.

“CARTER!! WHEN IS HE COMING BACK” She barked.

“HEY STOPP THE SHIT” Weaver barked and the room fell silent.
The noises from the machines disappeared, Abby shut up with an angry look at Carter.
He looked at the charts in front of him.
The phone began to ring.
A new med student got to it.
Frank shook his head.
Weaver spoke. “Welcome back Dr Carter, Kovac with you?”

“Nope”

Weaver looked puzzled

“Are you Dr Carter” the new med student asked looking up at John. He nodded.

“Is it that lawyer again? Tell him I told Carter to call, hours ago” Frank shouted, seeing the new med student was holding the phone.

“No, hum... ... ... Dr Carter, it’s a woman, ... ... ... Gilian... ... ... She says it’s urgent ... ... ... she is crying” Nella called loud.

Hearing the name, John froze. He took the phone from the girl’s hand. Petrified of what could be waiting for him at the other end of the line.

“Gilian? Hi., WHAT??!!! ... ... ... hum... ... ... Ok, but are you sure? ... ... ...”

Carter rubbed his forehead nervously

Abby was now, fully staring at him.

“No, ... ... ... Gilian, wait, ... ... ... I’m coming there... ... ... well there’s, ... ... if there’s a remote chance, ... ... ... I have to find him.
I’ll be there as fast as I can”

With that John disconnected.

The whole admitting desk had stopped what they were doing and were all waiting to find out what was going on.

John did not say a word but instead kept walking to the supply closet.

If he was going back there he’d take along at least a few things they would need there.

Abby and Weaver followed him.


He stopped in the lounge, grabbed a bag and proceeded to get things from the closets and place them in the bag

“Dr Carter, ... ... ... John Carter!! I suggest you inform me what is going on”

“Kovach might be dead.”

Abby felt her legs grow week, her heart stop beating and her eyes filled with tears.


“What... ... ... what do you mean might?” Kerry asked taking a hold of Abby’s hand to comfort her.

Susan came behind Abby to listen in.

“I don’t know, ... ... ...”

“Who’s Gilian?” Abby finally got some words out of her mouth.

Carter looked up at her with sorry eyes.

“She’s a friend, she was with us in the clinic... ... ... she was responsible for making sure things were ok there and she, was the one to discover there was a bombing in the clinic where Luka was.”

The three women looked puzzled at him.

“His body wasn’t found! Neither were the ones of many patients who were with him, ... ... ... now, knowing Luka, I’d say he took these patients out of there... ... ... but there’s no way he can contact anyone so he’s just probably missing somewhere. ... ... ...” Carter tried to give them hope. But he wasn’t really convincing himself.

“So, why does she think he’s dead?” Abby voice was so hurt, so tearful it made him feel sorry. A feeling he thought he was incapable of having after what had happened.
She was crying, her eyes were honestly filled with tears and the pain was more than obvious in her.

“A couple of days ago, a few men came in the clinic and tried to kill us. They wanted to, they were going to, but I had tried really hard to safe the brother, so they decided not to kill us, but when I left… … … … I don’t maybe they went back”

Realizing the situation Kerry spoke up.

“Go Dr Carter.”

“I’m going with you” Abby nearly screamed.

“Are you crazy, you’re pregnant, I’m not taking you with me. One: It’s dangerous, two ... ... Luka would kill me if I took you and his child along in this trip, and three ... ... ...” Carter could not bring himself to say it.

“He could be dead” Abby finished for him feeling the tears turn into sobs.

Susan rubbed her back gently.

“Dr Lewis, why don’t you take Abby to a calmer place?”

Susan forced Abby out by her arm taking her to an empty exam room and closing the drapes.


“Dr Carter, bring this man back, or come back yourself. I don’t care! I need a doctor here … … … … … and Abby’s child will needs a father… … … do you understand me?” Weaver shot him a look. Carter only nodded


Abby couldn’t stop crying. This was beyond painful.
Susan kept rubbing her back, trying to comfort.
But nothing could possibly sooth the pain, there was no remedy, nothing to calm her down.

That night in her bed, she lay
Tears still rolling down her face.
This wasn’t fair!
Luka had been right, all along, why have faith in God, if he took it away... ...! Took away everything that made sense, all that mattered and made one happy!

She sobbed thinking of all that could have been, all that she could have had, ... ... ... and like that, sleep took over her!

And she dreamed.... ... she dreamed of the past this time. A past not so long ago, a past she could have done something to fix,... ... ...
but in her dream there was no need for fixing it was all so perfect!